Come on!...Drive Thru this Blog: WISSHHH Man-morial Weekend: Wang Pageantry

After my adventuring last night, I have a bit of a clean-up, sober-up operation to complete this morning. Clean up the area around my tent, take a shower, brush my hair, place my filthy pants in a dry bag – uggghhh! And my head feels so stuffy. Thank God I can hide my eyes behind sunglasses. And for good measure, I break out my leopard-print pimp hat to keep my face shaded from the sun (I’m feeling a bit gremlin-ish – Light bright! Bright light!). Coffee? Anyone?

Fortunately, Slurpee, NWW, and Fizzy want to go to Target for a table. Great! I can make a run to 7-11 for the largest coffee they sell. We discover that the ABC liquor store is right next to Target (very convenient) and purchase additional Bloody Mary mix. But Fizzy, stop giving away all our Bloody Mary’s!

Finally, 7-11! Coffee (for caffeine) – check. Slurpee (for sugar) – check. 4 bags of ice – check. Back to the campsite to let my home remedy take effect – wait for it…. Yep! I’m now an official Mexican jumping bean! Sugar! Caffeine! And Free P*ssy gives me another slurpee! Ooohhh…I’m dangerous now! I still don’t want to drink any alcohol, though. Blaaaccch!

I walk down the side of our cliff-side campground to join Betelgeuse at the beach. I need some sun – I’m very pale (especially my belly). After lathering myself with some SPF 30, I’m good to go.

There’s a picnic bench leaning into the water. You know a couple could get into some mischief on that. It’s the appropriate height for all sorts of deviant behavior. If only….

It’s a rather blustery day, so I have quite the challenge to keep my hat on while sitting on the beach. After fighting with my hat for an hour or so, I head back up to the campground. I see Dirty Dog and Limp Biscuit upon my return.

They ask me, “Can you be a shaker?”
“Of course”

I perform my Brazilian carnival impression.

“Okay. We’ll come find you later to be a shaker.”

And I have no idea what they are asking me to do…

I sit my camp chair in the circle that has formed outside TurtleDick’s and Bend Over Rover’s tent and attempt to relax and enjoy the music that’s playing. Tinky comes through at 3pm and tell us that the trail will begin in 5 minutes. Hmmm…maybe I should run today. @ss Spelunker tells me that he’s haring today’s trail. Really?

“Shouldn’t you be out there laying the trail then?”
“I’ll get to it. I’m preparing for the beauty pageant too.”
“Really? Have any extra costumes? I wanna try.”
“You can’t. It’s for men only.”
“Darn. I thought my pimp hat and sunglasses would be a good addition to the lineup.”

Needless to say….trail never happens. @S, what happened to you? I wasn’t really enthusiastic about running anyways, though. I do have to mention one thing, though. @S, why’d you have to sit on my lap? Was there any purpose to it? I can’t even recall why you did it in the first place. Afterwards, my chair starts falling apart bit by bit.

At 5pm, I place my chair in the Beauty Pageant viewing circle to reserve my spot. When I return, Breathless is occupying my chair and has just broken one of the straps for the footrest. Dude! Not cool! Number 1, you’re sitting in my chair, and number 2, you broke my chair. Go away! But it turns out that the strap breaking isn’t really his fault cause a ½ hour later, the other strap breaks. Figures! A $13 chair isn’t expected to last long, but I thought it would have lasted longer than 24 hours.

The pageant finally begins! All the different components of the pageant are incorporated, too. First, is the evening gown competition. And this is where the wang-flashing begins. I seated myself close to an ex-Okinawa hasher named Crew-It and unbeknownst to him or any of his neighbors, he has been targeted for molestation. As every competitor passes around the circle, they waste no opportunity to shove their wangs in his face. I think CI has more lap dances in an hour than most men have in a lifetime (too bad they were given by men). Wait up! There is one female competing! She has a dildo peeking out of her dress to prove her manhood. Too funny!

Next up, the swimsuit competition. The amount of visible wang has increased exponentially. Some guys have their wang tucked behind them, some guys let their balls hang out of either side of the crotch, and some just let it all hang out. Dudes! Now you’re really scaring me!

During the pageant intermission, I finally find out what a shaker does and respectfully decline to participate. A shaker uses her tits to shake a person’s head during an apple pie shot. Considering the size of the other women’s tits that are the primary shakers, mine don’t hold a candle to their shaking ability. No thanks!

Another section of the pageant is the question and answer section. The correct answer to every question is “World Peace and Free Beer.”

So who is the big winner? Although @S made an impressive showing, P*ssy Whipped impressed the judges during the dance/lip-synch portion of the pageant by ripping his barbarian horde outfit to shreds.