Lessons Learned: Whisky Tasting

1. Guilt is a powerful weapon when trying to coerce someone into doing something they are reluctant to do. Like painting houses.
2. If you are going to attend a whisky tasting party after spending the day painting an apartment building, make sure to take a nap between events.
3. @ss Spelunker owns a suit. In fact, he owns a blue pinstripe suit with a REAL silk shirt. I kid you not!
4. When you ask your significant other to look up an address, actually wait 1 minute before giving them the what-to-for. Otherwise, you will never know if he was just blowing you off or really was going to do the task in 1 minute.
5. Even if you try to dress conservatively, Christmas cleavage (whether a smidge or overflowing) provides holiday cheer.
6. There are many types of whisky: Scotch (single-malt or blended), Canadian, Irish, Bourbon, Rye, Corn (otherwise known as moonshine) – try not to sample them all in one evening.
7. When drinking whisky, nurse your drinks carefully and don’t pour more than a shot at a time. You may be able to continue tasting after 2 hours that way.
8. Although Military Special may not be of a caliber for a whisky tasting, it’s a great mixing whisky for those that can’t tolerate straight whisky and don’t want to be caught mixing the Chivas Regal with coke.
9. Whisky slush contains orange juice, lemonade, tea, and most importantly, whisky. This amalgamation is a delicious reminder of a whisky sour – and just as potent.
10. Real eggnog contains raw eggs and can give you food poisoning if not stored correctly. Instead, buy the eggnog that comes pre-mixed with rum – it contains no dairy or eggs, so poses no danger when left on a table full of mixers all night long.
11. You know you are drunk when the hostess points out that she forgot to put the mistletoe decorations up after you are caught making out with your significant other.
12. You know your significant other thinks you are drunk when he tells other guests in your presence that he plans on getting you drunk enough that he can do you up the butt.
13. A Santa hat that is longer than your dress, begs the question – is the hat too long? Or the dress too short?
14. Bring a box of macaroni and cheese to a party. When you get the food munchies past midnight, you can always make a tasty snack – even if you make it only with water.
15. You realize you passed out WAAAAY early when you wake up the next morning and there are other guests crashing who never saw you the previous night.

S.H.*.T. Hash #284

Due to some random decision on my part, I decide to attend the SH*T hash today (probably because it’s in Mclean). I don’t know what inspires me to brave this extremely cold (29º) and blustery day.

CO Kimchi Visitor
However, whatever my reason, I run into Nascock on his 2nd day in DC. Whattya know? A Colorado Kimchi hasher actually made it to the East Coast???!!! He’s surprised to see me too because for some strange reason, he thought I lived in Austin. Of course, I introduce Nascock to other SH*T hashers as the guy who took care of my “taco needs” while I was in Colorado Springs. And of course, he gets a few pictures of me with my CO Kimchi mug to post to the website.

I run just to keep warm, but that doesn’t mean that I run much or run fast. I’m having some difficulty with the shiggy because my headlamp isn’t very bright. Fortunately, just as I begin to realize that I’ve lost the trail, Lactose Tolerant joins up with me and helps me find my way back on trail. However, by this point, I am so far behind the pack that my little detour causes me to miss out on the first beer check. Boo!

Lesson Learned: While attempting a stream crossing, don’t set your feet down on leaves – there might not be a rock under those leaves.

Violations
Not surprisingly (it is a very small crowd), I am nominated for several rounds of violations:

First, I’m accused of running on the walker’s trail. However, I simply missed out on the runner’s dead end that ended in a back check that returned the runners to the walkers’ true trail arrow. So technically, I never left the runner’s trail.

Then, since the hare, Fire in the Cornhole, instructs the slower runners to head out of the beer check ASAP, Chlorine and I end up being the First B*tches In (FBI). I guess that’s to be expected when there are only 3 females are running on trail today.

Next, I get violated for failing to have high beams on trail. I really can’t help it if my headlamp batteries are dying. But don’t boo me for failing to flash my tits! Do you realize how cold it is out here?

Finally, I get nominated for hash sh*t because I’m wearing my houndstooth coat, which apparently causes people to think that they are looking at one of those 3-D puzzles. I have worn this coat so many times – I’m just NOW getting this violation??!!

Bar: The Mclean Pub

Lessons Learned: TRASH Prom from Hell

1. Don’t expect a road trip with 9 people to be short. There will be potty breaks, snack breaks, and dance breaks to extend the 5 hour trip into a never-ending van ride.
2. Never open the door of a moving vehicle. You never know who might end up as a chalk outline in the hotel parking lot.
3. Witnessing a hasher go down for the count will cause you to immediately reevaluate your religious beliefs. Also, it’s a serious buzzkill.
4. If you can’t recognize your significant other in a dark U-Haul until he laughs at your question, “What’s your hash name?”, you are either intoxicated or in need of glasses.
5. Ixnay on the vajayjay (independent noun clause, origin: Pig Latin): gynecological instructions following a routine pelvic exam that affect you and your partner for 10 days. Synonyms: frustration, aggravation, annoyance Antonym: satisfaction
6. Avoid drinking 151. It WILL cause you to puke. It’s only a matter of time.
7. If you cannot remember anything about the previous evening other than a bit of karaoke and standing in a U-Haul, it was a good pub crawl with plenty of alcohol.
8. Kool-aid can cure a hangover. I have never truly appreciated the wonders of fruit-flavored sugar water.
9. Don’t be surprised when the TRASH lays 2 back-to-back trails in a single afternoon because the first trail does not incorporate an acceptable level of shiggy.
10. Inquire about water hazards before setting out on trail. That way a search party doesn’t need to go out when you’re an hour late to circle because you decided to backtrack the entire trail.
11. Even after witnessing multiple TRASH bibbings in the past year, you still gag at the sight of bib mix being poured on the bib-ees.
12. Always have a back-up transportation plan after a TRASH bibbing. Do you want to be in a U-Haul with that bib stench permeating the vehicle?
13. Buck-a-fuffalo dressed as a leprechaun looks an awful lot like Rusty Prick.
14. Dolly Style makes a very good impression of Gene Simmons when wearing face paint. I really had no idea that he was metallically lisping “Stand By Your Man” until it was announced half-way through his song performance.
15. It has come to my attention that I must implement a new rule in the ongoing care of @ss Spelunker: Tippy cup is only permitted during ½ hour blocks following an acceptable period on the bench. As unfortunate as this sounds, this prevention measure is necessary to avoid carrying 150 lbs of dead weight.
16. A short lunch at Ruby Tuesdays can turn into a 3-hour pit stop if your waitress loses your order.
17. The road trip back home with 9 people in a supposedly 15-person van is hellish. If you aren’t combating space, comfort ability, or hangover issues then you have the other passengers’ day-after-drunkfest gastral juices and odors to contend with.

Bars: I really have no idea what bars I went to on the pub crawl, but Prom was held at Drifter’s Saloon.

Tupperware is Moving to CO

Another hasher is moving to CO. This time, it is the lovely Tuppy, founder of the SH*T hash.

Good luck!

WH4 Hash #1160

It’s been a while since I’ve been at White House. I checked my run count and I’m at a piddling 56 runs today. Boo! I’ve got 44 more runs before I even qualify for my pewter mug. Even though I’m 54 runs away from earning my EWH3 wooden mug, I’m certain I will have the EWH3 mug before the WH4 one. At least I have my Colorado Kimchi mug to tide me over until sometime next year. Thanks, Brownie! BTW, Dust Balls, if you read this, I have your mug too. He is a hard person to track down, that Old Fart hasher.

Today we are in College Park. Ahhh!! My old stomping grounds when I attended UMD. I bet there will be some good shiggy today. I definitely am packing a change of socks and shoes for this one. Of course, the last time I ran one of Peace O’Chum’s trails at BAH3, I ended up wading through a creek up to my waist. Hopefully, the water level isn’t that high at this time of year.

Chum does not disappoint. I wade across 4-5 streams, sample some apple pie shots while in a tunnel, run next to an airfield and the metro train tracks, all while avoiding most local roads. Quite impressive! I do have to wonder how she finds her unmarked trails through the woods, though. And although I am not keeping track, Bad Dog beats me to the end during the last ¼ mile, which makes me the DFL (I think?). And he was wearing a tux on trail too! I suck balls!

Fortunately at the end, I get to sample some more of those lovely apple pie shots in my brand new wooden mug. I have to spit out some grit though. Is it from the cider or from the mug, I wonder? Ahhhh, well, I knew I should have rinsed the mug out before taking my first sip.

Milestones

A-Salt My @ss is the first person to christen the backseat of my Mini Cooper. Not much later, though, RPI gets a ride too.

Safety Third

I’m sure we all know that beer is of primary importance to a hasher, followed very closely by sex. At the WH4 camping trip this year (which I did not attend), safety was invariably proven to be a third priority. This resulted in the creation of the safety third arm cast (btw, EWH3 stole the safety third cast shortly after its inception and returned the cast after desecrating it by affixing several local hash stickers upon it). Any violation regarding safety requires the violated party to drink from a vessel wearing the cast. Since you are unable to bend your arm, the beer ALWAYS ends up on your clothes. Today we are honored to have 3 safety third violations.

Rant

It’s my fault, I suppose, but the bar served my sandwich cold. I just assumed that a corned beef sandwich would come out hot. Serves me right for not specifying.

Bar: Cornerstone Grill

Lessons Learned: Thanksgiving Week

1. If you ask for assistance to place your cat in a cat carrier, be wary of the methods employed to achieve that goal. Your cat may end up spazzing out from its mad dash to escape a sadistic torturer.
2. Pay attention to the time and time zone changes. Discovering that your seats have been given away because you boarded a plane with only 10 minutes to spare will put you in a bad mood.
3. Download movies to the iPod. That way the significant other will not b*tch in public about the laptop being stored in an overhead compartment.
4. Ensure the significant other informs his family about OUR hashing plans a month in advance. That way they will not organize the grandmother’s birthday barbeque at a time when we cannot attend.
5. The Border Jumper hash rocks! What other hash would postpone their regular hash start time to accommodate your travel plans?
6. Who in their right mind would own a passel full of yapping Chihuahuas? One is bad enough, but to place 5 in a yard as attack dogs is ludicrous.
7. Do not set your beer down where a 2-year old is capable of obtaining a quick nip. You may earn the Border Jumpers hash shit for your mistake.
8. I used to like football – before I was forced to watch 10 hours of it. West of the Mississippi, you can watch football non-stop starting at 10am. On a related note, you will always root for your home team even when they suck, if it will manage to piss somebody off.
9. Don’t play video games in front of 8-year olds. They will ask to play when you don’t feel like sharing.
10. GPS navigational software is not very reliable when performing local searches. To date, it has 3 strikes against it for providing faulty directions to non-existent bowling alleys, miniature golf courses, and chocolate shops.
11. If your wife has put the kibosh on your drinking, don’t call her after downing 2 shots of tequila and a couple of beers. She WILL know.
12. You can avoid airplane viruses by sucking on throat lozenges. Of course, knowing this AFTER coming down with a 102-degree fever does you no good.
13. Cover your mouth when coughing. Loogies do not belong on a laptop keyboard.
14. Sick people make great designated drivers. As long as the drugs they’re consuming don’t make them sleepy.
15. If you live in the state of MD, you can ship wine to yourself, but you can’t purchase it online. Bummer.
16. Guitar hero is an addictive game. Even when you’re stuck playing the trial version in Best Buy. What dork would do that?
17. Ethiopian food is fun and nutritious! Where else can you eat with your hands and be guaranteed a dairy-free meal?
18. Shuffleboard is a very competitive game at the VFW. So is the lottery. At least the beers are only $1.25 a piece.
19. A dip in the Occoquan River in November guarantees you a spot in the Polar Bear Club (otherwise known as the Idiot Brigade). Afterwards, it might be prudent to get your shots updated too.
20. Bondage porn is very dissatisfying if you’re not into that stuff. Come on! Where’s the penetration??!!! On the other hand, 80s porn is very humorous. Don’t you find mullets and unshaved beavers sexy?

Bars: Old Horse Saloon, Joe’s Billiard Hall, Etete, Occoquan VFW

The Dangers of Over-Packing

Due the generosity of the Arizona taxpayers, I am currently seated in the Phoenix terminal during my 2 1/2 hour layover utilizing public Wi-Fi to update my blog. My trip to NM was interesting although I can't call it a success (I'll get more into that later).

Regardless, I want to warn people of the dangers of over-packing. I thought I was a smart packer by packing a suitcase that was 43 lbs. for my trip out west. However, I didn't account for my shopping tendency and managed to buy 4 bottles of wine during my trip. I should've shipped them to myself, but thought I would take the chance that they wouldn't cause my suitcase to go overweight. Boy, was I wrong! I dropped my suitcase onto the scale at the check-in counter this morning and it hit a whopping 57 lbs. Uh oh!

I would've paid the extra fee if it was only $25 and not have to deal with the hassle of finding a shipper in the airport, but the fee is $50 for the extra 7 lbs. Ugggghhhh!

Fortunately, @ss was willing to check his backpack, so we removed 2 of my wine bottles and wrapped them up securely in his backpack. Hopefully, they survive the trip intact. Anyways, removing the 2 wine bottles dropped my suitcase weight to 50.5 lbs and the attendant let me slide with the 1/2 lb overage.

SUV update

So, $868 later and my SUV is fixed. Didn’t know I was having car trouble? Well, it all started when….

My good mechanic friend helped me pick up my new Mini Cooper from the dealer. I drove my SUV out to Annapolis and he drove my SUV back while I drove the Mini. After dropping my SUV at my house, he tells me my shifter has much more play since the last time he drove it. Hmmm….I can’t say I’m surprised because when others are driving my SUV, they have trouble finding some of the gears.

And…

Laa-Laa informs me at the Blue Hen Analversary weekend that 2 of my 3 back brake lights are burned out. Jeez! It’s a wonder I haven’t been rear-ended or pulled over for that.

So, last Thursday I drop my SUV at the mechanic with 4 complaints:

1. Inspect shifter
2. Brake lights
3. Engine noise – drive belt perhaps?
4. Burning oil smell – oil change perhaps? Its been about 4K miles since the last one.
   

Later that day I get the synopsis:

1. Shifters been worn out to the point that not only are bushings worn out, but all the widgets up to the shift lever are ground to dust.
2. Brake lights will take 10 minutes to replace.
3. The engine noise I’ve been hearing for 3 weeks are the oil pressure flaps. I’ve burnt my oil to a crisp. They’re going to perform an oil change and also include an additive to decrease the viscosity of the oil for the next oil change.
4. And that smell I just decided to check out on the way to the mechanic? Oh, that was just my brakes. My front left caliper locked up and scraped my brake pads down until there was nothing left.
   

Lord almighty! It’s a wonder that I haven’t been the cause of 6-car pileup with these sorts of car problems! All I can say is that driving back and forth to VA Beach has been hellish on my poor SUV. I’ve practically run it into the ground.

Well, no more of that from now on. Whether or not I drive 3K miles or not, I’m changing/adding fluids every 6 months (especially since the Mini doesn’t require servicing until 15K miles). I want my SUV to last a long, long time.

Thanksgiving in Las Cruces, NM

So I’ve been dating @ss Spelunker for about 8 months now and it has now come to that point in time where we get to meet each other’s family. Fortunately for me, @ss has chosen to visit his dad this year, so spending Thanksgiving meeting his dad and siblings should be painless. Although I’m sure his mom and grandmother are easy-going, men are just waaaaay more laid back about meeting girlfriends.


So, we fly to El Paso this Saturday where we plan to immediately hash with the Border Jumpers and party with them until we are either too drunk to move or until his family calls wondering where we are. After that it will be random family time/sightseeing around Las Cruces, NM through Wednesday when we head back down to El Paso to watch Butt Darts perform his comedy routine. Then more family time until we fly out Friday afternoon.


But guess what @ss gets to do when we arrive back in Baltimore on Friday evening? Yep, the family fun time isn’t over yet! A 1½-hour drive to DE to meet MY dad, siblings, and grandparents. Depending on how ambitious I am and how stubborn @ss is to wake up on Saturday morning, I may drag him out to my high school for the annual Reindeer Stampede 5K. Since he loves to win races, I’d like to see if he can beat the course record of 16:43. He claims he can run 5½-minute miles for short segments. Let’s see what he’s made of!

Lessons Learned: OBX Marathon Weekend

1. 
   Just because you pick up some eye candy, does not mean that the person makes good hasher material. Especially when the person believes in working 20 and sleeping 4 hours each day.
2. 
   Follow the flow of traffic while driving a new car. Just because the dealer told you that you can’t drive above 80 mph for the 1st 1000 miles, doesn’t mean a cop won’t pull you over for doing a 69 in a 55 after your car fails to appear as a registered vehicle.
3. 
   If you absolutely need to take a piss, it is better to piss along the side of the road than to stop at a deserted gas station. The 45 minutes you spend in handcuffs claiming innocence of drug trafficking, drinking and driving, and urinating in public to 5 NC state troopers is just not worth it.
4. 
   Just because you are capable of providing a reminder, does not mean that the reminder will grant you a free pass to a blowjob or butt sex. And intentions to steal the booty could result in losing your turn.
5. 
   Don’t park your car near trees. Even if you only park for an hour, you could return to find that a flock of birds dumped their load on your vehicle.
6. 
   Always put a sheet down when sleeping on a foreign couch. There may be a reason that you weren’t invited to sleep on the couch in the first place – try flea powder in sensitive areas.
7. 
   Hashers of all abilities are capable of running a half-marathon with no training. You may not finish in under 2 ½ hours, but you’ll finish.
8. 
   Tell your significant other BEFORE a race to return to mile marker 10 to pace you to the finish line. That way he doesn’t look bad, lose his free pass blowjob, and have to spend an hour freezing his @ss off while you debate running the last 3 miles.
9. 
   If there is free beer available, hashers will figure out a way to drink it. Even if it means borrowing a finisher’s medal and aluminum wrap for 5 minutes to score the wristband that grants 6 beers.
10. 
    Chafing marks are unattractive, however, jock itch is both unattractive and contagious. Which would you rather choose if asked to perform oral sex?
11. 
    Even though Veteran’s Day is a Federal holiday, don’t expect a great turnout at a post-hash beer pong game. I guess even Tidewater hashers don’t want to show up for work with hangovers.
12. 
    Being sporked could mean 2 things: 1. Hitting a pong ball into a full vessel while playing beer pong. 2. Using Spock’s “Live Long and Prosper” hand signal to give your partner an alternative version of a shocker.
13. 
    Having a massage after running a half-marathon can be beneficial as long as you drink plenty of water afterwards and your quads are still capable of performing toilet seat squats.
14. 
    Crabs. The gift that keeps on giving. Especially when you slice your thumb picking at them.
15. 
    Sleeping for 1 hour prior to a 3-hour return journey will reduce the risk of falling asleep at the wheel. That and drinking a bottle of water to ensure regular pit stops.
    
    

Bars: Coastal Flats, Dogfish Head Ale House, Modern, Capital City Brewing Company, The R Bar

Lessons Learned: Blue Hen 15th Analversary Weekend

1. Surprised by Friday night bar congestion? Don’t be. It IS the University’s Parents’ weekend, after all. I’m sure all the parents are simply trying to obliterate the thoughts of what a 5-year education costs these days.
2. Don’t assume that a Pub Crawl will not incorporate some bit of running. Even if downtown Newark, DE is only a ½ mile long, trail can still be long and zig-zag in every direction away from and around the bars.
3. Don’t lay trail on railroad tracks in Newark, DE. Due to the proliferation of tracks and railyards, cops are especially vigilant of university students (or hashers) taking shortcuts. Also, the fact that the 90-mph Acela train cuts through the town on its way to NYC is a slight discouragement too.
4. Hashers can even offend local tree-huggers at their hang-out by singing “Jesus Saves”. It’s not because the tree-huggers find the lyrics offensive, it’s because they find the presence of “Jesus freaks” offensive.
5. Blue Hen hashers enter the Iron Hill Brewery with the sole intent to see how long it takes to get kicked out. Tonight’s sojourn is a Blue Hen hash record – 45 minutes (although only 5 minutes after their rendition of S&M man starts).
6. It may be wise to inform local hashers about the significant other – that way they don’t attempt to kick him out of the bar for hitting on his girlfriend.
7. Try to keep the significant other sober enough so that he won’t perform shocking feats like giving oral sex or a shocker in the presence of family. Or if he insists on drinking, ensure he is too drunk to contemplate sex.
8. Introduce scrapple to non-Delawareans. If it tastes good, does it matter what it’s made of?
9. Delaware hashing guarantee: Trail might not be dry, trail might not be short, but trail will most certainly be flat!
10. The concept of a beer mile can be applied to any sport, including baseball. Try chugging 3 cans of beer while running around a baseball diamond. First into homeplate without puking wins!
11. You can puke from several orifices at once. Namely mouth and nose. I’d like to see both ears next.
12. Holding a hasher after-party in a church may be unusual, but holding one in the Sunday School playroom is just a bad idea. It may be best next time to find a location that you are not guaranteed to lose your deposit on.
13. You can wear out your welcome by performing all of the following activities: building a castle wall from school room playtoys, having a wrestling match that ends up being a human pile-up, playing Beirut beer pong and spilling the beer on the school room carpet, putting a Barbie dress on your cock, peeking in school kids’ lockers, and bringing hard liquor to the school room when beer just isn’t enough.
14. Emphasize to the hare the definition of a hangover trail PRIOR to setting trail: “Short-ish type trail with plenty of beer checks and little physical jarring of brain activity.”
15. Even if 1/3 of the pack gets lost on trail and finds their way off-trail to the ending location, the remainder of the pack is only concerned about the safety of the lost hasher dog.
16. Circle always ends when the pizza delivery boy arrives. Do you want cold pizza?
17. When it takes 4 hours to drive home, don’t expect to catch the Patriots-Colts game live on television unless you have time for a lengthy pit stop.

Bars: Deer Park Tavern, Grotto’s Pizza, Home Grown, Iron Hill Brewery, East End Cafe

440th EWH3 Hash

Just like last year, EWH3 has put together a “Choose Your Own Adventure” hash. Hashers have the choice of 3 trails with 2 different starting locations: 9-mile ball-buster starting at Tenleytown and working it’s way across the Potomac to Arlington, a “regular” 4-5 mile trail and a walker’s trail – both starting at Courthouse. I am running the regular trail – I am still not ball-buster material, especially now that I can barely run 5 miles without stopping.

Rant:

I’m partly at fault on this one, but I truly did not see any flour anywhere. We come out of the ravine underneath I-66 and navigate around an apartment complex. At the far corner, I spot a true trail arrow that appears to lead down the road. Unfortunately, under the cover of trees and darkness, I don’t see any flour on the sidewalk up until the next street. So like a good hasher, I investigate the surrounding area. I go down to the Custis trail to see if there are any marks on the bike path. None. I check the opposite sidewalk to see if the flour jumped to the other side of the road. Nothing. There’s about 10 of us lost at this point. What’s last resort? Use a cell phone to find the beer check. We’ve been stuck here about 15 minutes. Thankfully, we are able to contact the brew crew and get directions. Unfortunately, we discover that trail is marked on the trees – we just weren’t very good at spotting it. Uggghhh!! I hate when that happens!

Circle gets broken up – again! I wish this would stop happening. Apparently, we aren’t circling up fast enough as people are mingling for over an hour before we start circle. I don’t notice these trends because I don’t wear a watch, but I will admit that I seem to be leaving the hash later and later each week – or maybe that’s due to other reasons, hmmmm?

Transplanted Cousin

Well, I postponed it twice, but I finally meet my cousin for dinner tonight at Spices in Cleveland Park. It’s a fabulous sushi restaurant, so I highly recommend a visit. The long and short is that she is now working in DC, moved into an apartment with a college friend, and is probably going to break up with her boyfriend this weekend. Ahhh….to be 22 again! I remember those days!

Here P*ssy, P*ssy

I seem to be in the mood to spend money recently. What is my newest purchasing decision? A cat. Or rather 2 of them. Why cats? They’re pretty easy to take care of compared to dogs. Why now? I’ve always had animals in my life. It just took me this long to get over the death of my cat 2 years ago. Why 2 cats? Cause they’ll keep each other company during my working hours and on the weekends I travel to hashing events.

I’ve Made My Decision!

It’s taken me long enough, but today I finally have some free time to make the short jaunt over to Annapolis to test drive a Mini Cooper. This car is an absolute pleasure to drive! I take a few windy roads and play with shifting in and out of gears while going through turns – what fun! So, I custom-order the car as soon as I return to the dealer. Why? Apparently, 60% of cars purchased from Mini are custom builds. The dealership usually only stocks about 30 cars on the lot and many of those are custom-builds that a customer changed his mind about.

So what exactly did I get? A Mini Cooper S with the double-paned sunroof in dark blue with an interior to match. I threw in the upgraded sound system, a center armrest, mudflaps, and a boot box (otherwise known as trunk compartments). I’m told my car will arrive in 6 weeks. The countdown begins!

Song: Empty Space

I actually wrote this song around the end of last month, but as you can see, I’ve been quite delayed in posting. I actually considered it an unfinished work and then today decided it was meaty enough to complete. I fixed the rhythm (which was inconsistent) and assigned a chorus (which is again 2 stanzas). I can envision this as a rock power ballad if rock power ballads ever gain popularity again.

I wake up in the morning

And you’re not there

The space where you should be

Is empty and bare

Chorus:

It’s that empty space

That makes me bitter

Only your voice each morning

Keeps me centered

It’s that empty space

That invades my soul

Steals a piece of me

And obliterates all

I am bereft and forlorn

Without your heat

When it wraps around me

And throughout my sheets

Chorus:

It’s that empty space

That makes me bitter

Only your voice each morning

Keeps me centered

It’s that empty space

That invades my soul

Steals a piece of me

And obliterates all

How much longer

Must this go on

Where I wake up

And miss your form

Chorus:

It’s that empty space

That makes me bitter

Only your voice each morning

Keeps me centered

It’s that empty space

That invades my soul

Steals a piece of me

And obliterates all

For now I rely on memories

Of moments together

And ignore the emptiness

My soul has weathered

Virginia Derby and Busch Gardens: 25-ish Lessons Learned

1. Don’t be surprised when you’re nominated to be a hare 10 minutes before the hash is to begin. And don’t be surprised when you must drink for laying a sh*tty trail. However, you can earn a free, warm Sparks from Barcode B*tch if the trail is short and stroller-friendly.
2. Trust in your parking karma to score a sweet parking spot in front of the track. However, don’t expect to arrive at the entrance before the rest of the group when a passenger chooses to chug a Sparks upon arrival.
3. Don’t expect reliable advice from an expert horse agent for your gambling tips at Colonial Downs. Especially when they’re drunk.
4. Make sure you know HOW to place a bet when you approach the teller. If you say your bet incorrectly, you still have to pay for it. Didn’t want the 2, 4, and 7 horses in a trifecta? Too bad. Pay up.
5. Bring a lawn chair to the Virginia Derby. Most of the available stadium seating will be occupied by senior citizens.
6. Don’t exclude longshots from your betting. Just because they’re not popular betting choices, doesn’t mean the horses can’t run. And win.
7. It pays to know the beer wench. You can have all-you-can-drink beer for only $4.
8. If you grew up in the shadow of a gambler and spent your entire childhood at the racetrack, you are a hot commodity come Derby day.
9. Don’t expect to find a franchised restaurant on VA Rte. 17 north of I-64. There aren’t any.
10. Turkeys are mean sons-of-b*tches if you approach them. Avoid them whenever possible, but especially when they’re hissing at you.
11. Watching a black lab chase a turkey around a backyard and into the neighboring woods is the funniest sh*t EVER! Hearing the bird’s terrified squawks are the best part.
12. Stand near a male as a preventive measure from dancefloor stalkers. If that doesn’t work, then drag your significant other onto the dancefloor. Also, dancefloor stalkers are NEVER taller than 5’5”
13. Apparently, kissing your significant other while at a bar will encourage your best friend to score a playtoy for the evening. Cause who wants to be the third wheel?
14. If you lose your drunk hairdresser at the bar, don’t expect to find her again until the next morning. Paging her via the DJ and walking around the bar for a ½ hour will not locate someone that has left.
15. A guy does not have to be attractive in order to dance well. Or at least, he seemed attractive before he took his hat off.
16. Don’t ask drunk people to navigate. You may end up making more U-turns in 5 minutes than you usually make in an entire week.
17. Take a dump before your morning run or trust in your karma to provide a port-a-potty at Mile 1.
18. Don’t forget to tip your waitress for breakfast. Otherwise, you will get heckled by your friends for your mistake and be required to return to the diner to make reparations.
19. Military types get in free to Busch Gardens. But they still have to pay $10 for parking in an auxiliary lot that is a ½ mile from the main entrance. This exorbitant fee can be circumvented by driving directly to the lot rather than waiting in line at the main entrance.
20. Expect long lines at Busch Gardens. For everything. Including food.
21. Season pass ticket holders get discounts on everything including food and parking. And if you’re a VA resident, the season pass costs $54. If you don’t live in VA, you’re SOL.
22. Apparently, you can acquire the habits of your significant other which can include stuttering, whining, and thriftiness even as you’re trying to curb/train these habits.
23. If you’re gonna do something gay at Busch Gardens, do something that doesn’t occupy an hour of your 6-hour time schedule. Waiting for the Corkscrew Hill ride is NOT worth it. Especially, if it is your significant other’s favorite ride.
24. Second to Corkscrew Hill, the American Jukebox performance is the gayest show at Busch Gardens; the performers wear gay-colored jump suits with ruffled sleeves during the 70’s bit. What college kid would admit to performing this on their resume? At least there isn’t an hour-long wait, though.
25. When eating a smoked turkey leg, think of the 30-lb. turkey from the previous evening and look forward to slaughtering it come Thanksgiving.
26. Don’t be on top on the morning prior to your weekly long training run. Your knees will NOT forgive you.

Bars: Colonial Downs Racetrack, Saddle Ridge

Total Bar Count: 98

Total DC Bars: 50

Week 1: Long Training Run

Start time: 9:00am
Mileage: 2.49 miles
Time: 27:28
Temperature: 81 F
Terrain: Pretty flat pavement

Ugghhh! I SO do not want to get up this morning to run 4 miles. But I've got to. I'm certainly not gonna want to run 4 miles after I finish riding roller coasters at Busch Gardens. I should've gotten up an hour ago. It's so d*mn hot out! And I stayed up waaaaay too late last night at Saddle Ridge.

My knee is throbbing. That's all @ss's fault.

And when I get back to Hoover's aunt's house, Hoover tells me that she would've gone running with me. You friggin' said no!

D*mn! I certainly did wake up on the wrong side of the bed today. I'm extremely b*tchy. I hope its just because I'm tired...

Week 1: Training Run #3

Start time: 5:30am
Mileage: 2.00 miles
Time: 21:02
Temperature: 61 F
Terrain: Pretty flat pavement

God! How can I get up this early in the morning before the sun is even up? I have no choice today though. I've got to take my cousin to the airport and pack for VA Beach this weekend. At least it's over quickly.

And I won my bet with @ss. I got home before 11pm last night!

Week 1: Training Run #2

Start time: 8:00pm
Mileage: 3.00 miles
Time: 32:01
Temperature: 88 F
Terrain: Pretty flat pavement

An improvement of 20 seconds over yesterday. Who woulda thunk it?

Week 1: Training Run #1

Start time: 7:00pm
Mileage: 3.00 miles
Time: 32:24
Temperature: 84 F
Terrain: Pretty flat pavement

Not bad, but not great either. I've got a long ways to go in 12 weeks.

Water, Water, Everywhere

Being the quasi-domesticated person that I am, I freak out when I reach for some dishwasher detergent after washing dinner’s pots and pans and discover that my kitchen sink has sprung a leak. I immediately text my dad to have my favorite handy-man fix my problem. I then remove all my cleaning supplies from under the sink and begin to mop up the ½-inch tall puddle of water. Then I start the dishwasher. Bad move.

Water gushes out of the garbage disposal and back onto the area I had just mopped up before I manage to turn the dishwasher off. Great! I didn’t realize that the exit hose from my dishwasher fed into my kitchen sink. Fortunately, since I’ve located the source of my problem, I now know that I can use the left sink which doesn’t have a leaky garbage disposal unit.

Jeez! Am I glad I didn’t start my dishwasher this morning on my way to work! What a disaster I would have waiting for me when I arrived home!

Fortunately, my dad is free tomorrow and can come over first thing to replace my garbage disposal. Unfortunately, my dad has never replaced one before. Dad, this is on-the-job training for you. I’m sure it’s not difficult. And before you ask, no, my dad doesn’t do home repair or car repair work as a career. He just happened to build the house I grew up in by himself (well, except for the plaster work – which my uncle did).

Cousin In Town

So I got this phone call from my cousin last Friday, right? Since I’m the only person in my family left in the DC area (there used to be 3 of us here before 2 moved away), my cousin needs a place to crash while she is in town interviewing. She just graduated from that all-girls college, Smith, where so many females of my family went to college (I was accepted, but didn’t want to pay $30K/year to attend – it now costs $50K/year). Anyway, she’s an aspiring economist/mathematician/statistician, which in my mind means she needs to have more fun, but regardless, DC is the place to be if you aspire to those careers (except mathematicians – they can work anywhere).

Anyway, back to the subject at hand – she flies in tomorrow, but I forgot she was flying in. Oops! There go my plans to go to the SH*T hash and give Metro Ho her patches. At least it means I don’t have to do my 3-mile training run in the morning, though.

She’s staying for 3 days and will have to figure out public transportation quickly because I’m going to the hash on Thursday evening. Fortunately, she studied abroad in Scotland, so public transportation is not a foreign concept to her.

Week 1: Speed Session

Start time: 6am
Mileage: @1.63 miles
Lap #1: 2:00
Lap #2: 2:03
Lap #3: 2:06
Lap #4: 2:05
Temperature: 71 F
Terrain: High school track

Considering my inability to run in the past few weeks, I'm amazed that I perform as well as I do today. Maybe the fact that I'm motivated to perform well in my next half-marathon has something to do with it. Or maybe the fact that it is a mild 71 degrees outside.

New Training Schedule

Well, it’s that time again. I never got on the ball for training for the Half Mind Marathon, so I’ve abandoned that effort. However, the Baltimore Half-Marathon is 13 weeks away and I have planned the following schedule:

Mondays: Speed Session, Spinning, Hash (until Labor Day – Rest afterwards)

Tuesday: Cardio of choice, Abs, Training Run

Wednesday: Weight Lifting, Spinning, Training Run

Thursday: Weight Lifting, Abs, Hash

Friday: Training Run, Rest

Saturday: Rest

Sunday: Training Run

Of course, outside of the training runs and weight lifting, I can do as little or as much cardio as I please. I will provide a progress report weekly to ensure I’m staying on track. I will start my first week running 12 total miles and eventually work up to 23 total miles weekly by week eleven.

EWH3 Pub Crawl: 15 Lessons Learned

1. You don’t realize how hard it is to drink a 25oz can of beer before it gets warm. But I’m sure that shotgunning a Fosters is good training for the beer mile.
2. Always pack chalk. Even for a pub crawl. Especially when it starts at 12:30pm.
3. If you arrive late to a pub crawl, you still need to pay full price. Don’t like the policy? Take it up with the organizers.
4. If you must choose between a 9-block walk and a 2-stop metro ride when it is 90 degrees outside, choose the metro ride. You’ll sweat less that way. And maintain your buzz longer.
5. Don’t be surprised when wagers are laid on how long you will keep your top on in a Hooters restaurant. And especially don’t be surprised that Hermie wins the bet.
6. Just because there are no sizes larger than a medium at Hooters, doesn’t mean that you should buy it. Although wearing a shirt that ends 3 inches above your midriff is HOT.
7. If you are going to bring your own liquor to a bar, make sure the manager doesn’t see you pouring it into the glass of coke you just ordered. And if you get kicked out of said bar for performing said act, don’t expect the pack to boycott the bar for your actions. We’ll meet you at the next bar in an hour – have fun!
8. If you seat yourself at the bar, don’t be surprised if you must give up your seat to a gimp. Even if you are a girl.
9. If you decide to drink a frou frou drink like raspberry beer, expect most of it to be consumed by other hashers wanting a taste test.
10. If you get a request to show your tits, why refuse? You may lose an opportunity for a magazine spread. Right! Or you’ve just heard the world’s worst pick-up line.
11. If it’s not your beer, don’t drink it. Especially if it’s warm to the touch. And MOST especially if Hermie hands it to you. It’s probably not beer.
12. When the pub crawl is officially over at 8pm, don’t let that stop the pack from continuing the crawl. Onwards to the next hasher-friendly bar!
13. Keep your phone on vibrate mode in loud bars. That way you can help out-of-town hashers locate you without them needing to drive around Adams Morgan for 1 ½ hours looking for parking.
14. Hashers are caring souls that will take in other wayward, homeless hashers. Especially when they pass out in the street in front of the last bar.
15. If your name is Donnie the Retard, don’t be surprised when most hashers ask, “Do you have an 8-lb watermelon head?”

Bars: Cardinal’s Nest, Senators, Hooters, The Big Hunt, The Reef, Millie & Al’s

Total Bar Count: 96

Total DC Bars: 50

The Big Hunt doesn’t count since I have visited it previously.

Friday Night Mini-Crawl

Hoover’s back on the East Coast. She’s hanging outside of Richmond for the next month learning how to cook (actually, she already knows how to cook – she’s just finessing her technique). In any case, Beltway Bob’s is meeting up at Rustico in Alexandria and I direct her to meet up with me there.

Now Rustico is a bar with hundreds of beers on a level equivalent to the Brickskeller, but with more personality and a brighter atmosphere. I start off with a draft of Hefeweisen from who knows where (Germany maybe? something foreign for sure), then move onto a Belgian Raspberry before Chlorine starts feeding me shots and French champagne. Obviously, mixing our alcohols can produce no good. Fortunately for me, I stop with the champagne (for the most part), but Chlorine buys several more rounds.

At some point, we ask the bartender for a recommendation for a dance bar in downtown Alexandria and he recommends Two Hundred Nineteen (their spelling, not mine!). I’m partial to Rock It Grill for karaoke, but I accommodate someone who wants to try out the new bar (I really don’t remember, I’m quite happy at this point, you see?).

And just as we are getting ready to leave, Hoover finally shows up with her brother and his girlfriend in tow. Girl! Can’t you show up anywhere on time? She bitches at me for making her drive to Rustico when she could have stayed downtown, but in my defense, I told her a ½ hour earlier that we were getting ready to leave.

Anyways, Two Hundred Nineteen turns out to be a much smaller establishment than I envisioned it to be and not really much of a dance bar although the music isn’t horrible (they’re playing mostly 80s when we arrive), but we don’t have the juice to move onto another bar at this point and Chlorine won’t pass a bouncer’s inspection at the next bar.

So Hoover and I dance for a bit and startle the locals as we always seem to do (our specialty!). I escape this time without any hickies on my chest, though. I guess I just didn’t drink enough this time. We don’t stay long as we all plan on attending the extensive pub crawl the next day. We can party hard tomorrow!

Bars: Rustico and Two Hundred Nineteen

Total Bar Count: 91

Total DC Bars: 45

Calf Injury

High heels are hell and can hurt you. I’ve been waking up for the past nights with charleyhorses and they’re killer. I apparently need to eat bananas and stop wearing heels. The funny thing is that it doesn’t bother me when running. The blister on my pinky toe hurts worse. I found some stuff left over from one of my races which was some muscle balm containing menthol. I rubbed that stuff on my leg and massaged my calf for about 10 minutes. It helped a lot. Hopefully, my calf will feel better soon.

427th EWH3 Hash

I miss the runner send off. It’s no big deal as I’ve heard the trail is 6 miles long and I certainly don’t aspire to that level of participation today. I manage to catch up with the walkers and socialize on the way. Funny how I haven’t been running lately at the hash. What’s up with that?

In any case, the biggest excitement at the beer check surrounds the huge mud puddle that Plan B parks next to. This causes a bit of jostling from hashers trying to avoid stepping in it. Unfortunately for Shamrock, she doesn’t notice the puddle until her dog, Guinness, is completely immersed in it. To make matters worse, he tries to drink the dirty mud water and refuses to exit his puddle when she tugs on his leash. Well, at least he’s happy where he’s at, but I sure wouldn’t let him into my car afterwards.

At the end, Bow Chick-A Bow Bow and Bloody @sshole practice some kind of zen tag-team RA’ing effort. Not quite sure how they manage it, but they both handle different namings and violations. Which gets me to my next observation:

Spontaneous namings have become a regular part of our hash now. One “Just” allegedly brings 5 male v*rgins to the hash. So he gets a bukake for his violation. However, to make matters worse one of his v*rgins is wearing new shoes, so as a sponsor he is also required to drink from the v*rgin’s shoes. Now at this point, both the virgin and the Just are belligerently drunk while being iced.

I’m not quite sure what the Just told BA to set him off, but BA responds “I don’t care if you’re named Just Cupcakes”.

At which point, Areola chimes in, “Why don’t we name him that?”

So that’s what BA does. He names him Just Cupcakes. I wonder if he’ll ever return? Of course, considering the complaints made by the brew crew the next day, I’m betting the brew crew will not miss that crowd at all. They apparently treated the hash as a drink-it-all-as-fast-as-you-can celebration. Would it be unfair to point out that they appear to be military?

Bar: The Big Hunt

Total Bar Count: 89

Total DC Bars: 43

The Big Hunt doesn’t count because I have visited it previously.

1st Annual Dewey Beach Red Dress Run Hash and Running of the Bulls: 10 Lessons Learned

1. If you are going to stay at the beach and don’t want to pay $200/night for a hotel room, go camping. You wouldn’t believe how many campgrounds there are at and on the beach.
2. If you are unfamiliar with the local geography, contact someone who is familiar with it PRIOR to making a reservation for accommodations. You may choose a location that is on the opposite side of the Indian River Bay. It’s only 10 miles….but have you ever suffered through 10 miles of beach traffic?
3. Don’t be surprised when you get interviewed by local cameramen for wearing a red dress to a running of the bulls. However, they shouldn’t expect you to be coherent on film.
4. Don’t be surprised when non-hashers stick cameras up your red dress and take a picture. And are then disgusted by the twig and berries shot they collected. Also, don’t be surprised when chicks try to rip your dress off you. Men in red dresses are SO attractive. Didn’t you know?
5. If you decide to stay behind when your friends move on to another bar, don’t forget to collect your ID and money from them. Otherwise, you’ll spend the entire day trying to track them down and asking for donations to change out of a red skirt into new shorts.
6. The Bottle & Cork only accepts cash and does not allow ANY bags into their establishment. Don’t complain about the policy or the bouncers won’t let you in. Even if all your other hasher friends are already in the establishment.
7. Dewey Beach bars are all owned by Highway One Partners except for the Starboard. As a result, your choices of beer in Dewey are ONLY Budweiser and Bud Light. D*mn Anheuser-Busch’s exclusive contracts! The world at large does NOT enjoy drinking piss.
8. Remember that P.I.N.K. shots contain guarana, which is an energy drink ingredient. Don’t be surprised when your significant other keeps you awake all night due to an increased libido.
9. If a shot is served in a special shot glass that glows in the dark, confiscate the shot glasses for personal use. They’ll be real cool at camping trips.
10. If your cousin is a Dewey Beach meter maid, at least have the common sense to park in her district to avoid a parking ticket.

Bars: Starboard, Bottle & Cork, and The Rusty Rudder

Total Bar Count: 89

Total DC Bars: 43

426th EWH3 Hash

Cum Dumpling's favorite hash is being run again this year. We're hosting a Running of the Bulls hash which is a parody of the international event held annually in Pamplona, Spain on July 5th. The fun part of this hash occurs at end of the beer check where the hares chase the pack out of the beer check by throwing flour at them. Of course, some members of the pack are prepared and armed with rolled-up newspapers in order to smack the hares. It ends up being quite a fun interlude and since this is only 2nd year that we have re-introduced this tradition, many hashers will have forgotten how we did this in the past.

Funny, though, that Low Pressure Front comes dressed in a bull's costume. Apparently, he is trying to keep his identity a secret from everyone. Well, I certainly couldn't tell who he was. I only know because he has to sign-in with me.

And guess who's here! TOM is back from Afghanistan! Yay! I'm glad you're back, chickie! Hermie was not the same without you. He may deny it, but he was moping the entire time you were away and didn't want to go out partying at all.

I break out my pirate chalice for this hash. There must not have been too many EWH3 hashers that attended Durango this past February because no-one recognizes it. Of course, I didn't go either. I just know some people who know some people who went to Durango this year.

Bar: Ragtime

Total Bar Count: 86

Total DC Bars: 43

261st SH*T Hash: 10 Lessons Learned

It’s the Hung Over for the 4^th of July trail. Yay!! I can get plastered tonight. Dixie Queen has invited us to crash at his house in the wilds of Loudon County. I usually don’t do lessons learned for a hash but since it’s a sleepover, I believe a special exception is in order.

1. If you are nominated as the hash’s FRB and are required to carry a trophy on trail that weighs 10 lbs, at least have the decency to act like it was a difficult task. Finishing as the FRB doesn’t prove its effectiveness. Of course, lack of competition might have played a part as well.
2. When Lube is on the walker’s trail, she requires an eco-friendly trail (aka finish all the beer on trail before leaving the beer check and carry the trash bag to the nearest dumpster).
3. If you want to slow the pack down, draw a giant c*ck in chalk on an elementary school basketball court. Media sl*t-type hashers will take the opportunity to photograph themselves with the c*ck with every combination of hashers and angles possible.
4. When you don’t hear the first 3 calls for the shuttle to your car, blame your significant other for failing to notify you. That’s what they’re there for. To be your scapegoat.
5. Expect to get violated for stating an intention to defile a kid’s playground. Apparently, that is unacceptable hash behavior. Even when the playground is in the shape of a house and is the perfect size for an air mattress.
6. If you get trashed, you are capable of no wrong-doing. Never admit to pissing or puking on yourself or your surroundings. Because if you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.
7. Don’t generously offer your mudslides to PPE. After the first, he will consume every mudslide you acquire for yourself afterwards. However, considering the drunken state of the hasher acquiring the mudslides, he may have been a knight in shining armor
8. If you are easily distracted by the sight of tits, do not play Strippy Cup. Obviously, no good can come of it.
9. Don’t expect your significant other to immediately enter your tent after you announce your state of undress. Nope. It will take chastising from 7 hashers and a night-time ban from Tippy Cup to force them to bed.
10. If you choose to pass out next to the kids’ playground without protecting yourself via a tent, don’t be surprised when the kids decide to spray you with the garden hose as a practical joke.

1134th WH4 Hash

Since T.I.T.S. is officially over today, a few of the participants are slowly migrating home by way of DC. I'm quite jealous of them as I am not taking any time off and must work today, so when I get a call saying that hashers are chilling by a pool, I decide to ditch work early and invade.

Of course, we aren't gonna miss the White House hash today at Ballston. In fact, it's a virtual SH*T invasion with greater than 10 SH*T hashers in attendance. Go figure. White House is in VA today.

Now the surprising news today is that @ss is told he is no longer a visitor by PUDJAM standards. Whattya mean? This is his first WH4 hash other than the AGM in January. Y'all are not being fair to him. You gave Dirty Dog at least 4 hashes before you considered him a regular.

And guess who else is here today? Whoosh! And can you believe it? @ss doesn't even recognize her even though he has known her longer than he has known me. She's got her hair down instead of tied back in a ponytail. Her hair has gotten really long though.

Events of note:

There are a sh*tload of male v*rgins today, so the v*gina gallery has their work cut out for them. Well after the v*gina gallery is halfway through the males, they perform a 21-tit salute. It's a bit anti-climatic actually cause with each remaining guy, all the male hashers keep begging for a repeat. Of course they don't get one. Y'all got your opportunity. I hope it's engraved in your memory cause that's how its gonna hafta remain.

Bar: El Ranchero

Total Bar Count: 85

Total DC Bars: 42

El Ranchero doesn’t count as I did not consume any alcohol. WTF??!!!

T.I.T.S. – 20 Lessons Learned

1. The new beer types are as follows (as inscripted on the portable kegerator): Mother’s Milk, Yuengling, and Piss. Mother’s Milk is Guinness. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what piss is.
2. If you must take the scenic route to avoid traffic on the Interstate, always follow the Nissan Frontier to incorporate an off-roading excursion into your detour.
3. It takes 6 hashers to inflate a 6’ tall inflatable c*ck. It takes 2 to deflate it.
4. Chemlights are not toxic to ingest. According to the ex-Army chick who ripped one open with her teeth and poured the liquid all over herself.
5. Sleeping next to a loud refrigerator truck isn’t so bad after the first night. Once you get used to the generator noise and learn the cycling frequency, you can plan your orgasms around them.
6. Volunteering for breakfast detail requires waking up at 5am – either plan to stay up all night or go to bed early. Or sign up for a different shift.
7. When you volunteer to participate in a Hash Olympics event, have a general idea of what type of event you’ll be doing. Otherwise, you’ll find that you have to squeeze Vaseline out of your hair or urinate on a frozen t-shirt.
8. People will feel sorry for you when you puke while playing Tippy Cup. You’ll even be granted a break (by getting voted off) to recover.
9. For fire safety, ensure fireworks are launched over the river, not the forest. Also ensure that experienced, prepared firefighters are in attendance. Of course, having @ss Ogre perform a rain dance/ fireworks jump while the fireworks go off may be an acceptable blood sacrifice too.
10. Beware of hashers hanging from ceiling beams – they may unexpectedly wrap their legs around your head.
11. If you must perform a man-gina stunt, please ensure the proper mood is cultivated through appropriate stunt music (i.e. Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy”).
12. Don’t be surprised when you discover that a trail of chemlights has been altered to lead directly from your tent to the dancing stage.
13. Don’t leave your inflatable boyfriend out on the prowl, he may be used to perform a circus trapeze act and get his p*nis ripped off in the process.
14. @ss Spelunker can have a BF (b*tch-fit) worthy of Paris Hilton when he’s cold and hungry. Packing a waterproof canister of food can alleviate sudden outbursts.
15. Don’t expect a 15-person tubing flotilla to be grateful of your hauling efforts. They won’t bandage up your battered knees or cook you dinner, so abandon them when you’re within sight of the end.
16. Don’t pass out on the hood of a Volvo wearing only a string bikini. Who knows what the grandpa and his grandkids thought after returning from their fishing excursion…
17. Re-apply sunblock. Once is just never enough. Especially when you don’t properly monitor your turning intervals.
18. Don’t expect your significant other to take it easy after your departure. Nope – he’ll stay up later than he did the entire weekend playing Tippy Cup until he is too drunk to walk straight.
19. Always be the last to pack up. You won’t believe what kind of free sh*t you can manage to score!
20. After T.I.T.S., you’ll never accept eating camping slosh ever again.

Drink, Pillage, and Plunder

Well, we've done it. We've put together the website for Drink, Pillage, and Plunder. Check it out!

As I've said earlier, I really can't take the credit for putting the whole event together, but I'm sure I'll be helping out with the implementation. I did put together the website (but Chlorine gave her final okay)! In any case, the event will be held around the MD Renaissance festival during their last weekend (October 19th - October 21st) and will be located outside of Annapolis, MD.

The funny thing is that there is no specific hash affiliation for this event. Unlike in CO and Okinawa, the DC hashes rarely band together (except for Tour duh Hash) to do a hashing event. This time, we've have organizers from S.H.*.T., WH4, BAH3, and EWH3 participating (and I've heard DCH4 might get in on it too). So what hash is sponsoring it? No hash. We're just DC Metro Area hashers looking to have a good time. So come join us!

425th EWH3 Hash

As usual, I’m hash cash. As usual, I’m a DFL and there is nothing of note about my excursion until I’m just about to hit the beer check. The skies open up and the rain falls as if it is hailing outside. Cause the weather report from yours truly is always an interesting affair, isn’t it?

I’m asked about Haystack’s whereabouts at the beer check. He wasn’t in front of me? Turns out when he arrives at the end that a concerned citizen waylaid him and gave him a stern talking to for throwing BLUE and ORANGE flour on the sidewalks. Ummm….when’s the last time you saw handfuls of blue and orange colored anthrax every 10 yards down a sidewalk? Yeah. I thought so.

I skip the end circle. Not because I don’t enjoy the ending circle, but because the rain has soaked through me and I am cold. So I head to the bar early to change my clothes and to grab a bite to eat.

3 Ring Cervix is pushing to get her ex-boyfriend named tonight on his v*rgin hash. She succeeds, but he doesn’t end up with an original name. He is named exactly what he is: a dwarf f*cker. Well, if she was named because of him, he doesn’t deserve the same originality, does he?

I get smashing drunk. Not at the hash though. At the bar. I have shots bought for me, beers bought for me. I consume way more than I should even if I can stay later than usual due to the fact that I’m only 2 metro stops from Bethesda. And actually that’s worse. I’ve got less time to recover.

Don’t ask me how I make it home. I don’t want to discuss it. I can only tell you that when I go to lay down, the room starts spinning. I puke and the room is still spinning. I go and sit upright on my couch to see if I feel better. The room is still spinning anytime I close my eyes. So I use reverse psychology. I turn on the tv and try to stay awake. It works! I finally fall asleep by watching tv. Go figure.

Bar: Guapo’s

Total Bar Count: 85

Total DC Bars: 42

Test Driving: 1st Round

So I’ve narrowed down my choices to the following list:

1. Audi A3
2. Mini Cooper
3. Nissan Altima
4. Saab 9-3
5. Toyota Camry Solara
6. VW Jetta TDI

I’ve chosen an undoubtedly Euro-centric list, and in fact, none of these vehicles could be considered domestic vehicles (unless you consider Saab domestic due to its ownership by GM). Sorry, Dad! But if American companies made upscale cars with manual transmissions (outside of sport cars) maybe I would buy one.

Regardless, I now need to physically try these cars out. Unfortunately, the Audi and Saab dealers close a bit earlier than the larger brands, so although I visit these dealers to take a peek, all the sales people have left for the day. Bummer! Fortunately, Volkswagen and Nissan are both open until 9pm and I get to test drive the most economical of the cars on the list.

Nissan Altima

I’ve always loved the look of this car. I especially like the headlights that have been changed for the 2007 model year (the same as the 350Z!). I test drive a silver 2.5 S in a 6-speed manual, which is pretty much the base model for the Altima. This particular car (which is the only manual transmission Altima on the lot) has no options to speak of and especially does not have the sunroof which I am requiring this go-round. However, the controls and set-up of the car are almost identical to my Montero Sport, so the car is a dream to drive. I have to shift at shorter intervals than I’ve been accustomed to, but that’s due to the difference in driving a 5-speed vs. a 6-speed. I like this model a lot, but tell the dealer that they need to find one that has all the bells and whistles before I’ll buy.

Volkswagen Jetta TDI

Now I’m not especially a VW lover. I HATE Beetles – Sorry, Fizzy! However, before I bought my Montero Sport back in 1998, I test drove a Passat and loved it. However, I can’t deny that the concept of owning a diesel engine intrigues me. They require less maintenance, fewer oil changes and tune-ups, and regularly can go 500-600 miles on a single tank. Besides that, diesels have greater torque efficiency which translates into greater towing capacity and better climbing performance on mountains (not that there are any mountains in DC). So from a performance/reliability standpoint, a diesel engine is worth checking out – I’m just unsure if the Jetta is the car to carry that diesel engine.

We get to the dealearship (I brought my mechanic along again – I’m so lucky that he shops for cars with me!) and test drive the ONLY manual transmission Jetta TDI on the lot (why does this seem to be a recurring phenomenon?). Fortunately, this one comes equipped with every option that VW can possibly think of – which I like.

Unfortunately, as soon as I get in the car, I stall it. Now I was expecting that, since I’ve heard that diesels require a bit more gas in lower gears. What I didn’t expect was that I had to turn the ignition back to the OFF position and back ON before I could re-start the car. Huh? I’m not gonna have time for that b.s. at a red light. Is this normal? My Montero Sport starts right back up without a return to the OFF position. The sales guy says all cars require this. Well, mine doesn’t. However, I am going to stall out all the cars I drive from now on to see whether this is true.

Moving along to the actual test drive – everything proceeds along smoothly and I’m even surprised at the acceleration when I jump onto I-270. However, when I’m downshifting from 4^th to 3^rd gear to exit onto an off-ramp, a strange thing happens. The battery light indicator goes on and it FEELS like the car has stalled. How is that possible? The clutch is all the way in. When I dis-engage the clutch, though, the car goes into gear as normal. Confusing.

So, of course, as things stand, I’m not quite comfortable driving this car. Now the salesman attributes this to the difference in driving a diesel vs. a gasoline engine, but I need more exposure than a short 15-minute drive. Fortunately, since my mechanic owns one (a 2005 Jetta TDI), he offers to let me drive it on our next test driving excursion.

Conclusion

In any case, so concludes my first round of test driving.

Score:

2007 Nissan Altima 2.5 S – Positive

2006 (this IS a new car – VW did not manufacture any 2007 TDIs) Volkswagen Jetta TDI – Iffy

1133rd WH4 Hash

Monday is upon me already and it’s another Motormouth trail. This time, however, he doesn’t have us running through the ghetto – much. Of course, I’m not driving today, so I have no need to carry pepper spary as I did the last time.

But to be truthful, much of the area around Union Station is pretty clean now and hardly ghetto at all, which is actually a pretty humorous statement if you realize that Union Station is only 3 blocks from the U.S. Capitol and that many Capitol Hill staffers park near the train station. I wonder if in days gone by if a Senator or Representative ever got mugged while walking to their car? Just a thought….

Regardless, the day is rather cool for a June day. And do I appreciate it, ever! That doesn’t affect my DFL status, however…..Okay, okay, I have to admit that I am not the ultimate DFL, I do have Bavarian Bush and Mammorex who are behind me, but only being 3^rd from DFL isn’t something to crow about either. Besides, by the time I climb the 7 flights of parking garage stairs to the ending circle, I may as well be the DFL. Puff, heave, gag.

Moving onto the good stuff though. White House always has entertaining circles and tonight is no exception. With US Boobs pulling down MotorMouth’s shorts and Gay Guy Counter mis-identifying Poop Weiner as White Kane. We have plenty of ammunition for the hash sh*t. In the end, however, Motormouth ends up earning it for his refusal to let US Boobs into his pants. What???!!! He really turned a girl down? That must be a first! Hee hee!

But Motormouth does give us a ride to the bar. I even save space for I’d Do ‘Er. Of course, she hardly takes up any room at all, as tiny as she is.

On to the bar, where Mursey F*ck shows us that he still can’t hit on the girls and where I am unable to enter the women’s restroom. I swear! I only had 1 beer. I don’t know why I couldn’t get the women’s room open, but I still peed in the men’s room.

Bar: Union Pub

Total Bar Count: 84

Total DC Bars: 41

Twilight 4-Miler

Start time: 6:30pm
Mileage: 4.10 miles
Time: 42:58
Elevation Gain: 374 feet
Temperature: 85 F
Terrain: Flat Pavement with some minor hills

I'm running this race to represent my company and have to drive all the way to Ashburn, VA to participate. Although my time isn't great, it's acceptable for what I've been doing recently.

424th EWH3 Hash

Tonight, EWH3’s old cranky bastards have decided to show us newbies how to lay trail. Apparently, the plethora of ghetto and A to B trails has left them older and crankier. Funny thing is, though, their trail is A to B. So when new hares do it, y’all complain, but when y’all do it, y’all say it’s to teach us some basics? Whatever.

Fortunately, it’s not too hot today because a thundershower has cooled everything off. However, it is still remarkably humid outside. And as usual, I am struggling to run in this weather. Why did I have to train in cold weather? It has ruined me for hot weather running.

I end up being DFL because I (somehow?) lose trail going around a hotel, but fortunately pick it up again by circling the establishment. By that point, it has started to rain again, so I pick up the pace in order to find the beer check before the trail wipes out (I really need to tell the hare-razor about self-rising flour during showers).

Fortunately, the rain doesn’t last long, but the runners are happy to be off in order to fling the moisture off during the next segment. And what does the next segment include? They have us running through National Airport. Huh? I don’t know how they get away with it but it is def a risky proposition. At least the cop doesn’t stop us from running through. He just requests that we use the pedestrian tunnel to the parking garage and not run across the high-traffic road. And as much zig-zagging as we do around the airport, we don’t actually run into the airport (except for one stairwell). We just skirt the periphery. I believe we really would have gotten arrested for those types of shenanigans.

Fortunately, after all the airport brouhaha, we have a very short segment before we arrive at the end. Thank God! I thought that was going to turn into the never-ending trail. We also happen to be dry. Yay! We found a covered spot to keep dry! I’m def appreciative.

And guess where the on-on-on is tonight? Yep, hashers favorite gay bar – Freddie’s. At Freddies, the place is already crowded, but I spot the guy that I met there several months ago who coincidentally works at Baileys. Hee hee! Does he remember me? Of course he does! Gay men have memories like elephants, right?

Now, at one point I feel all these stares across the bar, but when I look up, I realize the gay men across the way would never be looking at ME that way. So I investigate my surrounding environment. Yessirree! There’s a pretty boy standing by my left shoulder. Funny thing is he never realized the gay men were checking him out. And in fact, he would have preferred that I hadn’t told him cause now he can’t stop looking at them. But it all works out in the end because eventually he gets a beer bought for him. That’s the way to go! Work ‘em! Work ‘em!

Bar: Freddies

Total Bar Count: 83

Total DC Bars: 40

Freddies does not count since I have visited it previously.