421st EWH3 Hash

Once again, EWH3 is holding a Betty Ford trail with 7 shot checks in addition to our regularly scheduled beer check and ending circle. Oddly enough, though, the attendance is quite light this year at 145 wankers vs. last year’s 163 wankers. Although it’s just as hot outside as it was last year, last year there was a prospect of rain. Of course, at the WH4 Memorial Day barbecue last year, Anal Fission did promote the hash big-time as his going-away hash. Maybe that had something to do with last year’s attendance…. Regardless, this year’s Betty Ford Relapse trail promises to inebriate everyone on the runners trail.

I wish I could give you a detailed recollection of the 7 shots on the trail, but I didn’t consume every shot. Why? First off, I drink 2 shots at the 1^st shot check and proceed to lose my running buddy, Double-Stuffed Wh*re-E-O afterwards. Then at the 2^nd shot check, I drink the liquored-up Kool-aid, but eat some additional Everclear-laced fruit (which isn’t necessary). The apple doesn’t taste bad. But the pineapple just about knocks me over. I throw away the 2^nd piece of pineapple I pick up. How I’m capable of running straight to Poop Weiner’s abode, I have no idea. In fact, I even shortcut and somehow lose the 10 justs that insist on following trail even though I know exactly where to go. Jeez! Just because I’m a DFL doesn’t mean I don’t know where I’m going. I almost NEVER get lost on trail.

Regardless, I skip the shot check at Poop Weiner’s and instead guzzle water. When Poop Weiner offers another shortcutting suggestion, I take him up on it. Wouldn’t you in 90+ heat and 3+ shots running through your system? Am I glad I refused the scotch that General’s Farm Animal offered me at sign-in! Oral Support is running with me at this point and tells me not to be concerned about General’s well-being – he had others partake of his scotch in order not to be completely sh*t-faced.

I will have to say that the hares thankfully learned from last year and ensured that none of the shots are milk-based. It was pretty disruptive on the stomach to have milk-based shots curdling in our stomachs along with tequila and who knows what else. I certainly didn’t hurl, but I def wanted to (this was before I discovered the benefits of becoming a bulimic alcoholic)!

Kudos:

To impromptu namings. Today’s scribe, Obeastiologist violates a just for wearing a heart-rate monitor on trail. Of course, he claims that her heart rate accelerated whenever a dude ran by, so she was actually wearing a cock rate monitor. So, Bloody @sshole decides that C*ck Rate Monitor is a perfect name. Hilarious! I totally approve!

Bar: Pour House

Total Bar Count: 75

Total DC Bars: 38

Car Buying Research

I’m thinking about buying a new car. I’m not quite sure if I will trade in my Montero Sport yet, but don’t relish making 2 car insurance payments annually. Unfortunately, I tend to be extremely picky when choosing vehicles, which is why I haven’t purchased a vehicle yet in the 9 years since I originally bought my Montero Sport.

My base requirements? Manual transmission. Total price after taxes and accessories: Under $27K. Sunroof. 25 mpg in the city; anything above that highway. Cruise control (you’d be surprised how many cars don’t have this feature even today).

Which leaves me with a very small crop of cars to choose from where I actually like the styling. Only two cars are on my must-test drive list: the Mini Cooper and the Dodge Caliber. The Mazda 3 was high on my list until I discovered that one of my base requirements wasn’t available. I’ve been told to investigate other hatchbacks like the Subarus and Toyotas, but they’re too OLD for me. And other cars like the Scion xA just look cheap. Even after you soup the car up and put every after-market bell-and-whistle you can find, the cars are still bland.

Which takes me back to my two selections:

The Mini Cooper is BMW-made, which probably means that parts are going to be expensive down the road. In addition, the car is TINY – a HUGE departure from my roomy Montero Sport. Even if I have passengers in the back seat, there is not much likelihood that they will be comfortable. If I treat the Mini Cooper like a 2-seater and keep the back seats down permanently, I still will only have the trunk space available of a standard sedan.

The Dodge Caliber is Chrysler-made, which looking back on last week’s news that Daimler-Benz has sold off its Chrysler division, leaves a car-shopper wondering if parts WILL be available down the road. On top of that, Dodge cars have never been well known for their maintenance records. That may have changed in recent years, but American cars still lag their Japanese counterparts for reliability.

Which gets me to my next point: my mechanic is my dad. My dad is partial to GM products. Just this past weekend, he replaced my brakes and was complaining that the brake assembly consisted of 10 components instead of one unit like his Suburban or his Corvette.

Now, I don’t care if my dad will be a die-hard GM fan until his dying day (God forbid!), but how many 60s-bred mechanics are out there that still live and breathe that motto? The answer: tons. It is easier to fix a pre-90s vehicle without all the electronic gadgetry than it is to fix any vehicle made in the US today. Why do you think they only sell 70s-era vehicles (not vehicles from the 70s, but the vehicle design from the 70s) in Africa where state-of-the-art mechanic shops are impractical and impossible to establish? Exactly my point – cause any vehicle-owner can fix their own vehicle out in the desert with a few simple tools.

But forget about my rambling…..I’m picky and trying to find a car that has the amenities I want and will not cost more than half my mortgage will be my challenge for the next couple months.

Week 4: Training Run #1

Start time: 6:30pm
Mileage: 3.35 miles
Time: 36:31
Elevation Gain: 505 feet
Temperature: 85 F
Terrain: Pavement with long gradual hills

Modem/Router Problems

Sorry for the late posts, y’all, but I’ve developed some kind of modem/router problem at home. I think it’s my modem, but I’ve never been a hardware tech, so what do I know? In any case, I’ve been meaning to post my lessons learned from Anarchy for over a week and have finally posted them today. And don't assume that just because I'm not posting that I'm not writing. I've been working longer hours at work which cuts into my personal blogging time. I've got 10 posts that I've drafted and need to get published - so be on the lookout!

In the meantime, does anyone know why a laptop would lose a connection to the internet with virtually no change to the environment? Is something sucking up bandwidth? I’ve got VOIP with 3 cordless phones, a desktop computer (which I hardly turn on), and 2 laptops (one of which has been on power-save mode for the past 3 months). Usually, my laptop maintains a connection with my router, while the router is unable to connect to the internet.

I will wake up in the morning after having a solid internet connection the night before and my connection will be lost. Help!!

Virginia Beach Weekend: 15 Lessons Learned

1. If you insist on finishing a bottle of butterscotch liqueur, then expect to achieve a state of inebriation where you forget half of the evening’s activities and make-out with the closest available person.
2. 4-year old expired Magnums are as effective as non-expired condoms. They all still break after 30 minutes.
3. If you leave the back door unlocked with a note on the coffee table stating you’re not home, don’t be surprised if you receive a mystery response from an unknown (and uninvited) guest.
4. Dirty Dogg has no concept of time. When he states that he will be back on the beach in one hour, multiply his estimate by 3.
5. When you go to the beach, make sure to pack your swim suit in your travel bag – not leave it in your laundry basket in the back of your car (which is not at the beach).
6. If your friends are visiting a DC friend’s beach condo, don’t be surprised when they plan to sleep the entire weekend there. Keep an overnight bag in your car for such eventualities.
7. Salt water takes the itch out of poison ivy. Too bad it doesn’t take care of the oozing pus.
8. If you don’t place sunblock on your feet, don’t be surprised by the tan line your sandals leave on your feet.
9. Making your bed partner wait an extra 5 hours for their sex ration, may result in your partner's wet dreams becoming a bit more vivid than either of you expected (butt cheeks can simulate a v*gina anytime, didn't you know?).
10. Neighbors are good people to know. A select few may offer you Crown Royal, an instant $100 spot-loan, and time-shares for $160.
11. When you encounter 12-mile back-ups on the interstate, be adventurous. Take the scenic route. You may get to experience the thrill of the road less traveled (and the farm stenches that accompany it).
    
12. When enforced condom use for 3 months still results in cleaning spooge off your stomach, it's time to throw in the towel. Just rely on the b.c.
13. When you are expecting an out-of-town guest, don't expect them to wait on your doorstep while you're playing Tippy cup at a campout.
14. Innocent, dead sand crabs will scare the living bejesus out of a 29-year-old man when you toss them on his lap (He was scared of the water snake that entered his tent during Cheap Mexican too). P*ssy!!
15. Cats that have never seen dogs and dogs that have never seen cats will not necessarily tear each other to pieces. Especially when the cats are bigger than the dogs.
    

Bars: Mahi Mah’s, Rudee’s, Chicho’s, Ocean Eddie’s

Total Bar Count: 74

Total DC Bars: 37

Grandpa Got Me Drunk!

I go to DE this Friday cause my grandparents haven’t seen me since March and I would like to take care of some of my overdue chores (laundry, car washing/waxing, and brake inspection/overhaul). Since I was able to get out of work early and avoided most of the Memorial Day traffic by taking the scenic routes, I arrive in time for my grandparents to take me out to dinner at their favorite seafood joint.

Now technically, the place isn’t a bar, BUT like all redneck joints…..it has a dive bar attached to the waiting area, so I’m gonna label the place as a bar/restaurant and get my bar count for it. Ha! Who’s gonna stop me anyways?

Moving along, I order what I think will be a wonderful grilled tuna dinner. Yummm!!! Fish!!! Unfortunately (or fortunately), dinner takes a looooong time arriving. My grandpa orders a full carafe of his favorite wine, Beringer White Zinfandel (hey! It might taste like Kool-Aid, but it does the trick). And we proceed to consume the entire carafe before dinner even arrives. So what’s my grandpa to do? Order an additional half-carafe. Jeez! Pop! I don’t need to drink that much with my dinner!

Well, I spoke too soon. When my dinner arrives, I discover that my tuna is more overcooked than I like it (d*mn ahi tuna for screwing with my taste buds). Now I really NEED to wash my tuna down with wine. I should’ve sent it back, but I’m sure these rednecks have never eaten raw tuna and wouldn’t understand someone who likes it that way.

End result? Don’t ask me to drive any automobiles this evening. In fact, my grammy yells at my grandpa for getting me drunk. How funny! But I always did say that drinking genes were hereditary. Pops can drink me under the table because he’s got more practice at it (or that’s what I’m telling myself).

Bars: Suicide Bridge

Total Bar Count: 70

Total DC Bars: 37

420th EWH3 Hash

It’s our 420^th hash and all the hares are dogs. In fact, our theme tonight is “This Hash is Going to the Dogs.” Someone must have been smoking something when they thought this one up. As if dogs could actually lay trail! In actuality, though, I believe this hash is purportedly a dog-friendly hash.

As we’re running along, Doesn’t Pull Out finds a Spanish Spaniel on trail. We try to make sure it stays with the pack until the beer check. Apparently, the dog didn’t like the looks of the tunnel we were required to traverse. Well, for that matter, I didn’t like the looks of it either, which is why I paralleled it. Follow the Bleeder taught me long ago that water elements are not necessary to follow trail. In this case, it’s very true cause we picked up trail by running an 1/8 mile further from the tunnel opening. I’m not sure what happened to those that actually went through the tunnel but they didn’t catch up with us until much, much later.

Unfortunately, the trail dies at the Ballston parking garage. I’m not sure what happened to the trail, but due to our confusion the tunnel traversers finally catch up with us after we spend a ½ hour trying to determine where trail goes. Eventually Obeastiologist leads us to the American Legion where the Legionneers are serving up pitchers of beer. Unfortunately, the dogs aren’t allowed in the building, which causes some to wonder why the hash is considered “dog-friendly”.

Even after a lengthy first half, I decide to run the second half too. I’m not sure what’s gotten into me cause I’m so totally out of shape. Fortunately, Slurpee is running with me today, so I’ve got some motivation to keep going. The second half isn’t as long and we end up in Oregon Grind-Her’s backyard. It’s pretty crowded in the yard cause tonight we have 186 wankers and no matter what size yard you have, it’s hard to stuff that many people into it.

Rumor-Mongering:

Bloody @sshole cut circle short. We didn’t have any violations and went straight to our naming. Rumor has it that one of the 50 dogs running around left a present for BA to step in. Hee hee! Was he really that p*ssed?

Bars: SoBe

Total Bar Count: 69

Total DC Bars: 37

Laser Hair Removal Update

I’ve made my decision. I am not going to have laser hair removal at this time. I will postpone this endeavor for a year and re-visit prices and my income level next year. I visited 2 laser hair removal locations in the area and received quotes that were MUCH higher than I expected them to be.

A Brazilian with traditional lasers (and 1 hour prep-time) ran from $1875 to $2048. And apparently, a new “pain-free” Alase treatment (no prep-time) is offered at one location for $2448. I don’t know about y’all, but there are many things I could do with $2K other than laser hair removal. The price is gonna have to drop to about $850 - $950 before I’m gonna give up shaving.

255th SH*T Hash

Like most SH*T-ty beginnings, it takes a long time to get the pack rounded up and focused on the task at hand. Of course, we have more than our fair share of distractions today. Someone brought jello shots – except this time most of the shots are made of pudding. Pudding shots? Let me try….and I try and I try and I try…My tongue is not long enough! It can’t reach the bottom of the container, so I can’t scoop the pudding out with my tongue. I guess I suck better than I lick cause I don’t have any problems with Jello shots.

I sincerely have every intention of running this trail, but within the first mile of the trail, we enter a tunnel. Now at first, this tunnel seems not too horrible. I can stand upright, I can easily avoid the water, everything is going smoothly….until…..we approach a tunnel intersection. We see sunlight at this intersection through the pothole above, but unless we can climb walls, there is no way out but to continue forward. Unfortunately, the tunnel I must traverse is not as accommodating as the previous one. The water smells like sewage and even bent over, I am too tall for the tunnel. I have to squat and walk. If you have done this for any distance, you will understand how difficult this is. Eventually, I’m unable to even squat and walk and am forced to crawl through that sewage mess. Areola is behind me with her dog, Jet Li, and even her dog gets tired of wading through this tunnel and begins to lap up the water. The poor thing! Although Areola immediately disciplines her dog, the damage has been done. Jet hurls the water he ingested back up. If I had any doubts in my mind that this water was unsanitary, his reaction confirms it. I smell so bad after exiting the tunnel that I remove my shirt despite the fact that I am now chilled to the bone. I now know what the definition of @ss spelunking is. Don’t make me repeat it.

At the beer check, I am so glad to have a beer – but not to drink. I’m obsessed with ridding my hands of the smell of sh*t. Cause I would rather have a beer smell on my hands than sh*t, and at the moment, I can’t even drink a beer without gagging from the smell. Why couldn’t any y’all walkers warn me? Bastards!

I’m so paranoid at this point that I even start picking at my back because I’m frightened I have acquired a stowaway in the form of a deer tick. Lo and behold, it is only a mole. You’d think I’d know about the various parts of my body by now, wouldn’t you?

Anyway, it’s a relief to make it back to the end without encountering any more tunnels. However, my troubles are not over this evening as I almost get the hash sh*t for going to the Anarchy campout instead of the Sh*tty BBQ the previous weekend. Anarchy was fabulous! Y’all should’ve gone! I don’t care if I’m a sell-out!

Rant:

I don’t know what’s up with the kitchen staff, but it shouldn’t take 1 ½ hours to get 2 hot dogs and fries. I should have just walked out without my order, but I thought I should wait and then 30 minutes turned into 45 and so on. Boy am I waaaay too nice. And I still paid full price. I’m a loser.

Bars: Cue Club

Total Bar Count: 68

Total DC Bars: 36

Laser Hair Removal

Due to the Nair incident a few weeks ago, I scheduled consultations with a couple of local laser hair removal clinics. I was supposed to go to one tonight, but due to work, I had to re-schedule for later this week.

Regardless, I'm looking forward to this. Although laser hair removal is NOT permanent hair removal, it is permanent hair reduction. So no more Nair in the cooter!! And the hash sh*t has been safely passed along to @ss Spelunker, so I shouldn't be in any danger of taking it to CoTex unless I do something EXTREMELY stupid in VA Beach this weekend. Ha!! When don't I do something stupid??

Back to the hair removal topic, I'm going to start with the laser and then go to electrolysis afterwards. Why, you say? Apparently, doing it that way saves money down the road as electrolysis is 10 times more expensive than laser. I should be a good candidate since I'm fair skinned with dark hair. So, I'll post an update when I know more....

Anarchy Campout: Hash Sh*t

This is the 3^rd weekend that the DC Road Whores’ hash sh*t has been traveling. Although Chlorine won it last weekend, she gave it to Laa-Laa to decorate. Of course, she provided the hash sh*t with her addition prior to bestowing it upon @ss Spelunker for safe-keeping. Laa-Laa then painted the plunger handle pink. @ss traced the words back on, even copying Coin Operated’s mis-spelling of the word “travalling”. Laa-Laa spray painted one of Chlorine’s bunny ears yellow and the other pink. Oh, and he made certain the tequila necklace couldn’t fall off.

But on to the weekend’s activities….

Although Hand 2 Hand Cumbat was an early nomination due to her pre-lewb activities, @ss won hands down following the official beginning of the Anarchy activities. Come on! Is anyone truly surprised? I told @ss that we had a 90% chance between the two of us of getting the hash sh*t. Fortunately, @ss is not as devious as I am and would NEVER consider selling me downriver (unlike myself).

So, due to my unique ability to be in the right place at the wrong time, @ss gets the hash sh*t for the following reasons:

1. For pissing on the floor of his tent
2. For making me puke and not being there to hold my hair back
3. For throwing used condoms out in the corn field rather than dispose of them properly

I must make mention of this fact - @ss was not conscious for Reason #1 and disputes the truthfulness of that accusation. For this I have two replies:

1. Don’t let the truth get in the way of a good story.
2. The story happens to be true – I threw his pants in his piss puddle so he wouldn’t contaminate the air mattress. His pants were still sopping wet from piss the next morning.

I’m so loyal aren’t I?

Anarchy Campout: 15 Lessons Learned

1. If a 5-person orgy is occurring in your tent, try and join in. Otherwise, you may wonder all weekend who you could have participated with.
2. (60 people + 1 port-o-potty + 12 rolls of toilet paper) x 36 hours = 3 foot pile o’sh*t (or in other measurements – sh*t 2 inches below the toilet seat)
3. If you are going to participate in naked fire-jumping, make sure to wear shoes. Also, a launching pad is a remarkable resource for a successful jump.
4. A Maytag hug is a wonderful bear hug that transfers the warmth of the campfire from the hugger to the huggee.
5. Chocolate-covered bananas with whipped cream are a tasty and erotic dessert (oh, and healthy too!).
6. It’s possible to cheat at Tippy Cup. Ask Dirty Dogg, who chugged and set his cup down and then claimed that it had been flipped.
7. If you consider yourself a bulimic alcoholic, having sex after consuming massive quantities of yucca will speed things along.
8. Playing Strippy cup may generate questions concerning your dating/relationship status.
9. Whiffle ball games are much more interesting when one of the game rules is that all players must hold a filled vessel at all times.
10. Winning at Tippy Cup is a double-edged sword. Although you may win, you will lose all memory of your priorities: keeping your tent urine-free, claiming your sex ration, and sleeping with a blanket.
11. Two cans of beer provide remarkable pain relieving and sedative properties.
12. These lessons REALLY are learned. Last week’s Cheap Mexican attendees ensured:
1. Condoms were packed and available
2. Their tents were on the other side of the campground from @ss Spelunker
3. Tent flaps were zipped shut to bar entry of snakes.
13. Hashers will SINCERELY yearn for the days when prancing around in women’s clothing was a campsite ritual versus strutting around naked.
14. Do not attempt to fight a steel keg. Steel is used to make many things that harm humans (i.e. swords and bullets). Why purposely place yourself in harm’s way?
15. If you’re gonna fall on trail, try not to fall into a patch of thorns. You may bleed less that way.

419th EWH3 Hash

This week we’re in the ghetto again. Jeez! Like I said in a previous post, we’ve been spending a lot of time in the ghetto. Of course, the alpha hare is MotorMouth, so of course, he would take us to the eastern shore of DC (why does it seem that all eastern shores are forgotten offcasts from the mainland?).

Since I drove to the hash and I’m not sure if I will have company walking back to the parking garage later, I decide to wear my pepper spray on trail. Anacostia is not nice after dark. I meet up with Cum Dumpling and Dirty Buttkiss at last year’s start location, but after 15 minutes, it is apparent we are in the wrong spot. We walk over to the other entrance and sure enough, the rest of the pack is awaiting my arrival.

Trail is a bit on the long side, but it is a def change of scenery. At the end, we circle on a road near a church and the church attendees inspect our ongoings. As we’re not causing any harm, though, they leave us alone for the most part.

And for the 2^nd week in a row, we have a spontaneous naming. Hilarious! I love when we do that!

As I’m leaving, though, a police car just happens by and decides to get a closer look. Why is it that the police always arrive just as we’re closing up?

What??!!! No bar count! Nope – I’m headed for VA Beach tonight. I’ve gotta get to Anarchy without suffering through that I-95 traffic tomorrow. A pleasant high-speed drive down 175 miles of interstate is much more pleasant than the bumper-to-bumper parking lot that I-95 turns into on Fridays.

Wager:

Prior to the hash, Obeastiologist and MotorMouth made a bet that MotorMouth couldn’t get more than 85 people to the hash. Well, surprise, surprise! MotorMouth has a whopping 86 people in attendance. He cleaned up by 1 person!

MS Office 2007 Review

I’ve had my new laptop for a couple months now and I think it’s about time I blast Microsoft for their upgrades to Office 2007. I realize that Microsoft probably wanted the same look and feel of their new operating system, WinVista, in MS Office. However, as an experienced Office user and someone that has had to train multitudes of computer-illiterate office workers in my day, I can tell you that NO company should roll this product out. I consider myself an Office wiz and although I’m not very adept at VBA, I can read VBA and understand its purpose.

Microsoft decided with its new release to re-name its menu structure and turned all of its menus into toolbar icons. Now I’ve been using toolbar icons for a VERY long time, but there are even some icons I’m not familiar with. How about the change case icon, anyone??? In addition, it hides the very toolbars that I find so convenient today. If I had wanted to click twice to perform a function, I wouldn’t have it on my toolbar, now would I?

Now I can live with these changes although I’m not happy about them, but what about the millions of Office users that are going to have no idea where to use the Find function? Before it was on the Edit menu, but Office 2007 doesn’t have an Edit menu anymore. This product is going to be a headache for anyone that deals with IT rollouts and training. I’m so glad I’m no longer working in that specialty.

Week 3: Training Run #1

Start time: 6:30pm
Mileage: 5.80 miles
Time: 1:01:55
Elevation Gain: 809 feet
Temperature: 70 F
Terrain: Pavement with long gradual hills

Although my performance isn't much better today than it was last week, at least I can say I ran the entire distance.

I think I'm def going to train for that Half-Wit 1/2 Marathon even if it will kick my @ss. I can't pass up the challenge and I need a goal in order to keep up with my running. Besides, I am not going for a PR for this one. This will be a challenge solely because it will be a trail run.

TRASH Cheap Mexican Campout: Hash Sh*t

Needless to say, Chlorine received the Hash Sh*t. She was such a mean drunk after consuming tequila in the form of margaritas (which she somehow had no idea that it was the principal ingredient) that she threw water bottles and pong paddles at Macho Libre. Later when I put her in her tent and zipped it shut, she spent a 1/2 hour screaming for Laa-Laa or myself to rescue her out of her tent since she couldn't figure how to get out.

Laa-Laa's re-telling of the tent escapade alone earned her the hash sh*t. But h*ll! It was funny to watch her scream for help while no one volunteered to assist her. And don't look at me! Although I am her friend, I believe that once you are too drunk to provide the crowd entertainment, it's time to take a nap.

TRASH Cheap Mexican Campout – 20 Lessons Learned

1. Make sure condoms are included in the essential camping equipment checklist.
2. Don’t bother putting a swimsuit on around Chlorine. She’ll only forcibly remove it from you. And your clothing will NOT survive the removal.
3. Set up the bed to face the fire and tippy cup table. Relaxed observation of campsite activities is possible from the comfort of your own tent.
4. Don’t give Chlorine tequila. She’ll never find her way out of her tent. Wait up!! Maybe that’s a good thing?
5. Don’t set up your tent on the campsite periphery. Hashers may view the area behind it as pee zone and in their drunken state may accidentally pee on the tent.
6. If you’re interrupted while having sex, don’t stop what you’re doing. Otherwise, you’ll give up and be horny all day.
7. Eating Mexican food all weekend is effective in creating immunity to Fourth Meal at Taco Bell.
8. Just because a hasher has s*x with you, does not mean that the hasher will sleep in your tent that night.
9. Don’t assume that cops will put an end to a party. In some cases, they’ll provide photo ops with their authentic handcuffs - as long as the harriettes are willing to flash some titties.
10. Don’t try to give a BJ at the main campfire. You’ll only get heckled for your attempt.
11. A harriette can become a TRASHer by injection (without going through that nasty bibbing ritual – and instead get a pretty dog tag).
12. Don’t assume that amenities such as port-a-potties and showers will be easily accessible. You may need to traverse through 600 feet of swamp to get to them. However, a dip in a pool may be a short uphill walk away and a good alternative for a shower (figure out your own solution for getting rid of bodily waste).
13. Don’t pass out in the public campground area. You may wake up with a c*ck in your face.
14. Swim naked at your own peril. Your v*gina may go on display for the hashing public.
15. Always bring sharpies to a hashing event. It’s good to be prepared for any eventuality.
16. The purpose of challenging the wearer of the Tour de Jugs jersey is NOT to win the Tour de Jugs, but instead to get the wearer drunk. Also, the Tour de Jugs is a FEMALE competition.
17. Your tolerance for voyeurism increases when hashers play 3-man and throw beer cans against your tent.
18. Don’t walk around with your @ss exposed. You may end up with a handprint so large that Confused Follies will photograph it for future blackmail purposes.
19. If you date someone with a slight stutter, you may pick up their habit.
20. Don’t use MapQuest for directions. It may send you 20 miles out of your way and through the heart of the Fayette-Nam rush hour.

418th EWH3 Hash

Lord Amercy! What has happened today? I haven’t recalled seeing this many hashers show up to a beginning circle EVER! 180 wankers signed in with me and no wonder the pack didn’t get away until after 7:30!

I decide to walk tonight because:

a) My boobs weigh more due to the larger-than-normal wad o’cash

b) I ran last night and am hurting today

c) It’s 88F outside

d) I just straightened my hair this morning (yes, I’m high-maintenance)

And although the hares claim that the walker’s trail has been pre-laid, we don’t see any trail markings until 8 blocks after leaving Dupont Circle. I wonder if our hare, Ctrl-Alt-Secrete, knows where he’s going? He certainly is having trouble reading the map he’s been given.

When we arrive at the beer check, the beer is not flowing so the hares start shooting the pack with their peppermint schnapps-injected super soakers. My my! What minty-fresh breath we all have!

And yet again on the trail back, Ctrl-Alt-Secrete has issues with the map. So what happens? Little Red and Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me walk off with his map in the direction they feel is best. Those two do happen to be very experienced hares – would you doubt them? Thought not.

One last item of note:

We have a spontaneous naming today in addition to our normal naming procedure. A just with about 5 runs who is a little TOO eager with suggesting names and is drinking from a yogurt container gets the tables turned on her. One of the names she threw out is bestowed upon her. Well, they always said that you could get named for doing something stupid. I guess this was today’s most notable act of stupidity. I guess nothing else of interest happened today….

Bars: Sign of the Whale

Total Bar Count: 67

Total DC Bars: 35

Interesting Half-Marathon

So I’ve been in a training slump (cause of my extra-curricular activities) and have been looking for a race to motivate me. I’ve signed up for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in June, but that’s only a 5K and I know I can run that with my eyes closed. I’ve also signed up for the Twilight 4-Miler, which is 3 weeks later, but again, I can run 4 miles with no training whatsoever.

Today, though, Stick It in my Socket posted this interesting link on the SH*T listserv for the Half-Wit 1/2 Marathon. This sounds tailor-made for hashers! Although, I don’t like the idea of running 13.1 miles in the blistering August sun, it def gives me something to challenge myself with. Besides, it looks like the point of this race is to primarily have a good time. Which btw, this is a trail race, not a road race. And check out the FAQ on this site too – hilarious reading!

Week 2: Training Run #1

Start time: 7:00pm
Mileage: 4.66 miles
Time: 53:55
Elevation Gain: 596 feet
Temperature: 84 F
Terrain: Pavement with long gradual hills

To say that this run is pitiful is an understatement. I believe my poor performance is due to a combination of factors: the temperature, my lack of training runs, and my failure to hydrate before running. However, I did walk about .40 miles of the above distance. Unfortunately, my Garmin didn't keep track of my starts/stops as splits. I'll have to figure out how to do that someday.

Stinko de Mayo: Hash Sh*t

I’m not sure if the DC Road Wh*res have ever been an official hash, but following Stinko de Mayo, we def have an ending circle. Of course, Hermie nominates himself as our RA (although I’m sure Motormouth could have easily stepped in too).

We perform all the hallmarks of a circle: FRBs to the camping trip – Designer Bush and Dirty Dogg; DFLs to the camping trip – Metro and SMAC; Violations from the camping trip; and last, but certainly not least, Hash Sh*t. I have to say that I knew this was coming because everyone had been hinting at it since I received the fire extinguisher at EWH3.

I am nominated for the hash sh*t for my flaming cooter incident from the prior week. Fortunately for me, I have some competition due to Chlorine’s escapade of calling Bob LoBlaw a dirty wh*re the evening before. Unfortunately, our competition by down-down ends badly for me (I still think Hermie poured twice as much beer in my mug).

I am now the first holder of the DC Road Wh*res hash sh*t and will need to carry the hash sh*t to any non-DC hashing events I attend until I get rid of it. Fortunately for me, I’m attending several non-DC events in the next couple weeks. I’ll have to see if I can get rid of it at either the TRASH Cheap Mexican hash or the Anarchy campout cause I really don’t want to be carrying the hash sh*t to CoTex.

Stinko de Mayo – 15 Lessons Learned

1. Buy a tent without plastic windows so that hashers can not peer through them at any time. Can’t a hasher ever get it on without voyeurs?
2. Stay up late no matter how cold it is. You’re not gonna sleep anyways with drums pounding through the night.
3. Massive quantities of yucca will cause your bladder to send you out in the frigid night at least 5 times (or give you whisky d*ck – see lesson #11 below).
4. Wear socks to bed when camping. You may stay warmer that way. In fact, just wear clothes to bed unless its 80F.
5. Don’t try to sleep in the middle of the day. You’ll only sweat.
6. Hashers are a nosy bunch. They will interrupt you at inopportune times – and enjoy doing it!
7. When road-tripping, the first rule of hashing is: “Don’t hook up with hashers from your own hash.” “Strange” is the operative word.
8. Stake down your tent. Cause even if you are only using it as a changing room, it would be nice to pack it away for the next camping trip.
9. Steep hills and total drunkenness do not mix. The number of sprained ankles and softball-size bruises were innumerable on Sunday.
10. You can still earn a hash sh*t even if you do not attend a hash with a hash sh*t. A new H3 can always be founded to ensure you’re Sh*t-worthy.
11. Whisky d*ck is not a pleasant phenomenon for either party. Hours upon hours of getting it on is tiresome. Where are the s*x potions when you need them?
12. The best entertainment of the weekend occurs after most have left the campsite. The “Legion of Dumb” might hurdle beer kegs using a slip-n-slide or blow up stuffed animals with dynamite.
13. Don’t attempt to play bocci ball uphill. Your balls will never land where you expect them to.
14. Don’t assume that if your tent flap is closed, it will stay that way. Especially if you WANT privacy.
15. Put the drunken hashers to bed. Even falling out of a chair can be dangerous. And who knows what could be duct taped if they’re left exposed.

Stinko de Mayo: Bar Crawl

Bars: McGrath’s Pub, Ceoltas Irish Pub, and Cragin’s Brick House

Total Bar Count: 66

Total DC Bars: 34

417th EWH3 Hash

Today is the much-anticipated Cinco de Mustache hash. Countless hashers have grown beards over the last few weeks in preparation of this event, so I can’t wait to see them in their wide variety of porn-staches. Unfortunately, I’m late! Work kept me a bit later than I expected, so I’m leaving a full 20 minutes later than anticipated, which means I will not be able to get to the start any earlier than 7pm.

As typical for me, I take every backroad and shortcut to get to the start and run several yellowish red lights and break every posted speed limit. Doing so enables me to get to the start around 6:58pm – pretty impressive since I didn’t hit the road until 6:30pm in Bethesda! What I didn’t realize was that Chick’n F*ck’r followed the On-On sticker on my SUV from Macarther Rd all the way to the start location. I did notice the silver vehicle behind me and did wonder how that car was able to keep up with me, but I never thought it was a hasher trying to find the start.

I didn’t realize until Chick’n F*ck’r approached me at sign-in and said, “You drive like a maniac!”

Well, I wasn’t trying to play follow the leader, I was trying to make it to the hash at a decent hour!

Trail:

As usual, I opt to run the trail. The first obstacle, of course, is a huge drainage tunnel. And we’re not talking about a tunnel a few feet long. This tunnel is so long that we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. At least we’re not crawling. No one is wearing headlamps and halfway through this trek, we encounter obstacles such as huge cement blocks. As I have passed all the slowpokes who seem to be afraid of the dark, I’m the one encountering the majority of the obstacles. Fortunately, none of them take me down.

All of a sudden, a dude grabs me from the left (maybe Donkey Punch?) which totally freaks me out, and says, “You need to go left.” D*mn! I would have totally missed that. I walk about 10 feet and slam! Yeah this new tunnel requires a 3 foot step up. Headlamps would so def come in handy here….This new tunnel reeks! I don’t know what these tunnels are used for, but afterwards I keep checking my shoes for dogsh*t. I’m afraid I might have been wading through human excrement….yuck!

Next up, Arlington hills. I’m actually relieved to finally be running. Even if it does mean running up one hill after another.

Note to self:

That 5pm coffee def contributes to my stellar performance on those hills. Try drinking some caffeine before each run.

Apparently, I arrive at the beer check waaaay late (stopped for a pee break), so I am only half-way through my beer when runners are called on-out. Jeez! I’m finishing my beer, d*mmit! And I don’t wanna chug it! Whatever! I’ve gotta reconcile my sign-in log with Areola’s handwritten sign-in anyways, so I’m walking.

Then I decide to auto hash, but my keys are in my bag in the beer van. Fortunately for me, One-Eyed Willy gives me and @ss a ride to the bar (it is over 1 mile from the start).

Special Violation:

I receive a special nomination for my flaming cooter incident from last weekend. Chlorine calls me into the circle and tells EVERYBODY that I Naired myself. So what's my reward? I receive a fire extinguisher. And then get silly string sprayed all over me. Jeez! I know the story is hilarious, but did you HAVE to tell the circle? You do realize that 170 people heard that story tonight, right?

Bar: Clare & Don’s Beach Shack

Total Bar Count: 63

Total DC Bars: 34

Bar Count Synopsis: Month 4

So I have managed to visit 34 DC bars in the first 4 months of 2007, while visiting 63 overall. Since my last update was virtually half this number, it appears that I am a consistent drinker in addition to being a consistent runner. The interesting thing is that I haven’t had that many repeats yet. Outside of my friends’ 2 favorite Irish bars (Murphy’s and Kelly’s Irish Times), I’ve been fortunate to experience a wide variety of bars and hope the trend continues. I’m not quite ready to pick a favorite, although the Royal Lee stands out in my mind as having karaoke and cheap specials (although I also like Recessions – I don’t think it would be fun outside of the hash).