417th EWH3 Hash

Today is the much-anticipated Cinco de Mustache hash. Countless hashers have grown beards over the last few weeks in preparation of this event, so I can’t wait to see them in their wide variety of porn-staches. Unfortunately, I’m late! Work kept me a bit later than I expected, so I’m leaving a full 20 minutes later than anticipated, which means I will not be able to get to the start any earlier than 7pm.

As typical for me, I take every backroad and shortcut to get to the start and run several yellowish red lights and break every posted speed limit. Doing so enables me to get to the start around 6:58pm – pretty impressive since I didn’t hit the road until 6:30pm in Bethesda! What I didn’t realize was that Chick’n F*ck’r followed the On-On sticker on my SUV from Macarther Rd all the way to the start location. I did notice the silver vehicle behind me and did wonder how that car was able to keep up with me, but I never thought it was a hasher trying to find the start.

I didn’t realize until Chick’n F*ck’r approached me at sign-in and said, “You drive like a maniac!”

Well, I wasn’t trying to play follow the leader, I was trying to make it to the hash at a decent hour!

Trail:

As usual, I opt to run the trail. The first obstacle, of course, is a huge drainage tunnel. And we’re not talking about a tunnel a few feet long. This tunnel is so long that we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. At least we’re not crawling. No one is wearing headlamps and halfway through this trek, we encounter obstacles such as huge cement blocks. As I have passed all the slowpokes who seem to be afraid of the dark, I’m the one encountering the majority of the obstacles. Fortunately, none of them take me down.

All of a sudden, a dude grabs me from the left (maybe Donkey Punch?) which totally freaks me out, and says, “You need to go left.” D*mn! I would have totally missed that. I walk about 10 feet and slam! Yeah this new tunnel requires a 3 foot step up. Headlamps would so def come in handy here….This new tunnel reeks! I don’t know what these tunnels are used for, but afterwards I keep checking my shoes for dogsh*t. I’m afraid I might have been wading through human excrement….yuck!

Next up, Arlington hills. I’m actually relieved to finally be running. Even if it does mean running up one hill after another.

Note to self:

That 5pm coffee def contributes to my stellar performance on those hills. Try drinking some caffeine before each run.

Apparently, I arrive at the beer check waaaay late (stopped for a pee break), so I am only half-way through my beer when runners are called on-out. Jeez! I’m finishing my beer, d*mmit! And I don’t wanna chug it! Whatever! I’ve gotta reconcile my sign-in log with Areola’s handwritten sign-in anyways, so I’m walking.

Then I decide to auto hash, but my keys are in my bag in the beer van. Fortunately for me, One-Eyed Willy gives me and @ss a ride to the bar (it is over 1 mile from the start).

Special Violation:

I receive a special nomination for my flaming cooter incident from last weekend. Chlorine calls me into the circle and tells EVERYBODY that I Naired myself. So what's my reward? I receive a fire extinguisher. And then get silly string sprayed all over me. Jeez! I know the story is hilarious, but did you HAVE to tell the circle? You do realize that 170 people heard that story tonight, right?

Bar: Clare & Don’s Beach Shack

Total Bar Count: 63

Total DC Bars: 34