Lessons Learned: TRASH Prom from Hell

1. Don’t expect a road trip with 9 people to be short. There will be potty breaks, snack breaks, and dance breaks to extend the 5 hour trip into a never-ending van ride.
2. Never open the door of a moving vehicle. You never know who might end up as a chalk outline in the hotel parking lot.
3. Witnessing a hasher go down for the count will cause you to immediately reevaluate your religious beliefs. Also, it’s a serious buzzkill.
4. If you can’t recognize your significant other in a dark U-Haul until he laughs at your question, “What’s your hash name?”, you are either intoxicated or in need of glasses.
5. Ixnay on the vajayjay (independent noun clause, origin: Pig Latin): gynecological instructions following a routine pelvic exam that affect you and your partner for 10 days. Synonyms: frustration, aggravation, annoyance Antonym: satisfaction
6. Avoid drinking 151. It WILL cause you to puke. It’s only a matter of time.
7. If you cannot remember anything about the previous evening other than a bit of karaoke and standing in a U-Haul, it was a good pub crawl with plenty of alcohol.
8. Kool-aid can cure a hangover. I have never truly appreciated the wonders of fruit-flavored sugar water.
9. Don’t be surprised when the TRASH lays 2 back-to-back trails in a single afternoon because the first trail does not incorporate an acceptable level of shiggy.
10. Inquire about water hazards before setting out on trail. That way a search party doesn’t need to go out when you’re an hour late to circle because you decided to backtrack the entire trail.
11. Even after witnessing multiple TRASH bibbings in the past year, you still gag at the sight of bib mix being poured on the bib-ees.
12. Always have a back-up transportation plan after a TRASH bibbing. Do you want to be in a U-Haul with that bib stench permeating the vehicle?
13. Buck-a-fuffalo dressed as a leprechaun looks an awful lot like Rusty Prick.
14. Dolly Style makes a very good impression of Gene Simmons when wearing face paint. I really had no idea that he was metallically lisping “Stand By Your Man” until it was announced half-way through his song performance.
15. It has come to my attention that I must implement a new rule in the ongoing care of @ss Spelunker: Tippy cup is only permitted during ½ hour blocks following an acceptable period on the bench. As unfortunate as this sounds, this prevention measure is necessary to avoid carrying 150 lbs of dead weight.
16. A short lunch at Ruby Tuesdays can turn into a 3-hour pit stop if your waitress loses your order.
17. The road trip back home with 9 people in a supposedly 15-person van is hellish. If you aren’t combating space, comfort ability, or hangover issues then you have the other passengers’ day-after-drunkfest gastral juices and odors to contend with.

Bars: I really have no idea what bars I went to on the pub crawl, but Prom was held at Drifter’s Saloon.

Lessons Learned: OBX Marathon Weekend

1. 
   Just because you pick up some eye candy, does not mean that the person makes good hasher material. Especially when the person believes in working 20 and sleeping 4 hours each day.
2. 
   Follow the flow of traffic while driving a new car. Just because the dealer told you that you can’t drive above 80 mph for the 1st 1000 miles, doesn’t mean a cop won’t pull you over for doing a 69 in a 55 after your car fails to appear as a registered vehicle.
3. 
   If you absolutely need to take a piss, it is better to piss along the side of the road than to stop at a deserted gas station. The 45 minutes you spend in handcuffs claiming innocence of drug trafficking, drinking and driving, and urinating in public to 5 NC state troopers is just not worth it.
4. 
   Just because you are capable of providing a reminder, does not mean that the reminder will grant you a free pass to a blowjob or butt sex. And intentions to steal the booty could result in losing your turn.
5. 
   Don’t park your car near trees. Even if you only park for an hour, you could return to find that a flock of birds dumped their load on your vehicle.
6. 
   Always put a sheet down when sleeping on a foreign couch. There may be a reason that you weren’t invited to sleep on the couch in the first place – try flea powder in sensitive areas.
7. 
   Hashers of all abilities are capable of running a half-marathon with no training. You may not finish in under 2 ½ hours, but you’ll finish.
8. 
   Tell your significant other BEFORE a race to return to mile marker 10 to pace you to the finish line. That way he doesn’t look bad, lose his free pass blowjob, and have to spend an hour freezing his @ss off while you debate running the last 3 miles.
9. 
   If there is free beer available, hashers will figure out a way to drink it. Even if it means borrowing a finisher’s medal and aluminum wrap for 5 minutes to score the wristband that grants 6 beers.
10. 
    Chafing marks are unattractive, however, jock itch is both unattractive and contagious. Which would you rather choose if asked to perform oral sex?
11. 
    Even though Veteran’s Day is a Federal holiday, don’t expect a great turnout at a post-hash beer pong game. I guess even Tidewater hashers don’t want to show up for work with hangovers.
12. 
    Being sporked could mean 2 things: 1. Hitting a pong ball into a full vessel while playing beer pong. 2. Using Spock’s “Live Long and Prosper” hand signal to give your partner an alternative version of a shocker.
13. 
    Having a massage after running a half-marathon can be beneficial as long as you drink plenty of water afterwards and your quads are still capable of performing toilet seat squats.
14. 
    Crabs. The gift that keeps on giving. Especially when you slice your thumb picking at them.
15. 
    Sleeping for 1 hour prior to a 3-hour return journey will reduce the risk of falling asleep at the wheel. That and drinking a bottle of water to ensure regular pit stops.
    
    

Bars: Coastal Flats, Dogfish Head Ale House, Modern, Capital City Brewing Company, The R Bar

Articles of Note

I’ve been quite ambitious lately. Remember how I said the other day that just because I haven’t been posting, doesn’t mean that I haven’t been writing? Well, below are links to evidence that proves that I’ve been working/assisting on some extra-curricular activities.

DC Road Wh*res Hash Trash – Stinko de Mayo

DC Road Wh*res Hash Trash – Cheap Mexican

DC Road Wh*res Hash Trash – Anarchy

Work newsletter – Merits of Donating vs. Volunteering

Anarchy Campout: Hash Sh*t

This is the 3^rd weekend that the DC Road Whores’ hash sh*t has been traveling. Although Chlorine won it last weekend, she gave it to Laa-Laa to decorate. Of course, she provided the hash sh*t with her addition prior to bestowing it upon @ss Spelunker for safe-keeping. Laa-Laa then painted the plunger handle pink. @ss traced the words back on, even copying Coin Operated’s mis-spelling of the word “travalling”. Laa-Laa spray painted one of Chlorine’s bunny ears yellow and the other pink. Oh, and he made certain the tequila necklace couldn’t fall off.

But on to the weekend’s activities….

Although Hand 2 Hand Cumbat was an early nomination due to her pre-lewb activities, @ss won hands down following the official beginning of the Anarchy activities. Come on! Is anyone truly surprised? I told @ss that we had a 90% chance between the two of us of getting the hash sh*t. Fortunately, @ss is not as devious as I am and would NEVER consider selling me downriver (unlike myself).

So, due to my unique ability to be in the right place at the wrong time, @ss gets the hash sh*t for the following reasons:

1. For pissing on the floor of his tent
2. For making me puke and not being there to hold my hair back
3. For throwing used condoms out in the corn field rather than dispose of them properly

I must make mention of this fact - @ss was not conscious for Reason #1 and disputes the truthfulness of that accusation. For this I have two replies:

1. Don’t let the truth get in the way of a good story.
2. The story happens to be true – I threw his pants in his piss puddle so he wouldn’t contaminate the air mattress. His pants were still sopping wet from piss the next morning.

I’m so loyal aren’t I?

Anarchy Campout: 15 Lessons Learned

1. If a 5-person orgy is occurring in your tent, try and join in. Otherwise, you may wonder all weekend who you could have participated with.
2. (60 people + 1 port-o-potty + 12 rolls of toilet paper) x 36 hours = 3 foot pile o’sh*t (or in other measurements – sh*t 2 inches below the toilet seat)
3. If you are going to participate in naked fire-jumping, make sure to wear shoes. Also, a launching pad is a remarkable resource for a successful jump.
4. A Maytag hug is a wonderful bear hug that transfers the warmth of the campfire from the hugger to the huggee.
5. Chocolate-covered bananas with whipped cream are a tasty and erotic dessert (oh, and healthy too!).
6. It’s possible to cheat at Tippy Cup. Ask Dirty Dogg, who chugged and set his cup down and then claimed that it had been flipped.
7. If you consider yourself a bulimic alcoholic, having sex after consuming massive quantities of yucca will speed things along.
8. Playing Strippy cup may generate questions concerning your dating/relationship status.
9. Whiffle ball games are much more interesting when one of the game rules is that all players must hold a filled vessel at all times.
10. Winning at Tippy Cup is a double-edged sword. Although you may win, you will lose all memory of your priorities: keeping your tent urine-free, claiming your sex ration, and sleeping with a blanket.
11. Two cans of beer provide remarkable pain relieving and sedative properties.
12. These lessons REALLY are learned. Last week’s Cheap Mexican attendees ensured:
1. Condoms were packed and available
2. Their tents were on the other side of the campground from @ss Spelunker
3. Tent flaps were zipped shut to bar entry of snakes.
13. Hashers will SINCERELY yearn for the days when prancing around in women’s clothing was a campsite ritual versus strutting around naked.
14. Do not attempt to fight a steel keg. Steel is used to make many things that harm humans (i.e. swords and bullets). Why purposely place yourself in harm’s way?
15. If you’re gonna fall on trail, try not to fall into a patch of thorns. You may bleed less that way.

TRASH Cheap Mexican Campout: Hash Sh*t

Needless to say, Chlorine received the Hash Sh*t. She was such a mean drunk after consuming tequila in the form of margaritas (which she somehow had no idea that it was the principal ingredient) that she threw water bottles and pong paddles at Macho Libre. Later when I put her in her tent and zipped it shut, she spent a 1/2 hour screaming for Laa-Laa or myself to rescue her out of her tent since she couldn't figure how to get out.

Laa-Laa's re-telling of the tent escapade alone earned her the hash sh*t. But h*ll! It was funny to watch her scream for help while no one volunteered to assist her. And don't look at me! Although I am her friend, I believe that once you are too drunk to provide the crowd entertainment, it's time to take a nap.

TRASH Cheap Mexican Campout – 20 Lessons Learned

1. Make sure condoms are included in the essential camping equipment checklist.
2. Don’t bother putting a swimsuit on around Chlorine. She’ll only forcibly remove it from you. And your clothing will NOT survive the removal.
3. Set up the bed to face the fire and tippy cup table. Relaxed observation of campsite activities is possible from the comfort of your own tent.
4. Don’t give Chlorine tequila. She’ll never find her way out of her tent. Wait up!! Maybe that’s a good thing?
5. Don’t set up your tent on the campsite periphery. Hashers may view the area behind it as pee zone and in their drunken state may accidentally pee on the tent.
6. If you’re interrupted while having sex, don’t stop what you’re doing. Otherwise, you’ll give up and be horny all day.
7. Eating Mexican food all weekend is effective in creating immunity to Fourth Meal at Taco Bell.
8. Just because a hasher has s*x with you, does not mean that the hasher will sleep in your tent that night.
9. Don’t assume that cops will put an end to a party. In some cases, they’ll provide photo ops with their authentic handcuffs - as long as the harriettes are willing to flash some titties.
10. Don’t try to give a BJ at the main campfire. You’ll only get heckled for your attempt.
11. A harriette can become a TRASHer by injection (without going through that nasty bibbing ritual – and instead get a pretty dog tag).
12. Don’t assume that amenities such as port-a-potties and showers will be easily accessible. You may need to traverse through 600 feet of swamp to get to them. However, a dip in a pool may be a short uphill walk away and a good alternative for a shower (figure out your own solution for getting rid of bodily waste).
13. Don’t pass out in the public campground area. You may wake up with a c*ck in your face.
14. Swim naked at your own peril. Your v*gina may go on display for the hashing public.
15. Always bring sharpies to a hashing event. It’s good to be prepared for any eventuality.
16. The purpose of challenging the wearer of the Tour de Jugs jersey is NOT to win the Tour de Jugs, but instead to get the wearer drunk. Also, the Tour de Jugs is a FEMALE competition.
17. Your tolerance for voyeurism increases when hashers play 3-man and throw beer cans against your tent.
18. Don’t walk around with your @ss exposed. You may end up with a handprint so large that Confused Follies will photograph it for future blackmail purposes.
19. If you date someone with a slight stutter, you may pick up their habit.
20. Don’t use MapQuest for directions. It may send you 20 miles out of your way and through the heart of the Fayette-Nam rush hour.