Tupperware is Moving to CO

Another hasher is moving to CO. This time, it is the lovely Tuppy, founder of the SH*T hash.

Good luck!

WH4 Hash #1160

It’s been a while since I’ve been at White House. I checked my run count and I’m at a piddling 56 runs today. Boo! I’ve got 44 more runs before I even qualify for my pewter mug. Even though I’m 54 runs away from earning my EWH3 wooden mug, I’m certain I will have the EWH3 mug before the WH4 one. At least I have my Colorado Kimchi mug to tide me over until sometime next year. Thanks, Brownie! BTW, Dust Balls, if you read this, I have your mug too. He is a hard person to track down, that Old Fart hasher.

Today we are in College Park. Ahhh!! My old stomping grounds when I attended UMD. I bet there will be some good shiggy today. I definitely am packing a change of socks and shoes for this one. Of course, the last time I ran one of Peace O’Chum’s trails at BAH3, I ended up wading through a creek up to my waist. Hopefully, the water level isn’t that high at this time of year.

Chum does not disappoint. I wade across 4-5 streams, sample some apple pie shots while in a tunnel, run next to an airfield and the metro train tracks, all while avoiding most local roads. Quite impressive! I do have to wonder how she finds her unmarked trails through the woods, though. And although I am not keeping track, Bad Dog beats me to the end during the last ¼ mile, which makes me the DFL (I think?). And he was wearing a tux on trail too! I suck balls!

Fortunately at the end, I get to sample some more of those lovely apple pie shots in my brand new wooden mug. I have to spit out some grit though. Is it from the cider or from the mug, I wonder? Ahhhh, well, I knew I should have rinsed the mug out before taking my first sip.

Milestones

A-Salt My @ss is the first person to christen the backseat of my Mini Cooper. Not much later, though, RPI gets a ride too.

Safety Third

I’m sure we all know that beer is of primary importance to a hasher, followed very closely by sex. At the WH4 camping trip this year (which I did not attend), safety was invariably proven to be a third priority. This resulted in the creation of the safety third arm cast (btw, EWH3 stole the safety third cast shortly after its inception and returned the cast after desecrating it by affixing several local hash stickers upon it). Any violation regarding safety requires the violated party to drink from a vessel wearing the cast. Since you are unable to bend your arm, the beer ALWAYS ends up on your clothes. Today we are honored to have 3 safety third violations.

Rant

It’s my fault, I suppose, but the bar served my sandwich cold. I just assumed that a corned beef sandwich would come out hot. Serves me right for not specifying.

Bar: Cornerstone Grill

Lessons Learned: Thanksgiving Week

1. If you ask for assistance to place your cat in a cat carrier, be wary of the methods employed to achieve that goal. Your cat may end up spazzing out from its mad dash to escape a sadistic torturer.
2. Pay attention to the time and time zone changes. Discovering that your seats have been given away because you boarded a plane with only 10 minutes to spare will put you in a bad mood.
3. Download movies to the iPod. That way the significant other will not b*tch in public about the laptop being stored in an overhead compartment.
4. Ensure the significant other informs his family about OUR hashing plans a month in advance. That way they will not organize the grandmother’s birthday barbeque at a time when we cannot attend.
5. The Border Jumper hash rocks! What other hash would postpone their regular hash start time to accommodate your travel plans?
6. Who in their right mind would own a passel full of yapping Chihuahuas? One is bad enough, but to place 5 in a yard as attack dogs is ludicrous.
7. Do not set your beer down where a 2-year old is capable of obtaining a quick nip. You may earn the Border Jumpers hash shit for your mistake.
8. I used to like football – before I was forced to watch 10 hours of it. West of the Mississippi, you can watch football non-stop starting at 10am. On a related note, you will always root for your home team even when they suck, if it will manage to piss somebody off.
9. Don’t play video games in front of 8-year olds. They will ask to play when you don’t feel like sharing.
10. GPS navigational software is not very reliable when performing local searches. To date, it has 3 strikes against it for providing faulty directions to non-existent bowling alleys, miniature golf courses, and chocolate shops.
11. If your wife has put the kibosh on your drinking, don’t call her after downing 2 shots of tequila and a couple of beers. She WILL know.
12. You can avoid airplane viruses by sucking on throat lozenges. Of course, knowing this AFTER coming down with a 102-degree fever does you no good.
13. Cover your mouth when coughing. Loogies do not belong on a laptop keyboard.
14. Sick people make great designated drivers. As long as the drugs they’re consuming don’t make them sleepy.
15. If you live in the state of MD, you can ship wine to yourself, but you can’t purchase it online. Bummer.
16. Guitar hero is an addictive game. Even when you’re stuck playing the trial version in Best Buy. What dork would do that?
17. Ethiopian food is fun and nutritious! Where else can you eat with your hands and be guaranteed a dairy-free meal?
18. Shuffleboard is a very competitive game at the VFW. So is the lottery. At least the beers are only $1.25 a piece.
19. A dip in the Occoquan River in November guarantees you a spot in the Polar Bear Club (otherwise known as the Idiot Brigade). Afterwards, it might be prudent to get your shots updated too.
20. Bondage porn is very dissatisfying if you’re not into that stuff. Come on! Where’s the penetration??!!! On the other hand, 80s porn is very humorous. Don’t you find mullets and unshaved beavers sexy?

Bars: Old Horse Saloon, Joe’s Billiard Hall, Etete, Occoquan VFW

The Dangers of Over-Packing

Due the generosity of the Arizona taxpayers, I am currently seated in the Phoenix terminal during my 2 1/2 hour layover utilizing public Wi-Fi to update my blog. My trip to NM was interesting although I can't call it a success (I'll get more into that later).

Regardless, I want to warn people of the dangers of over-packing. I thought I was a smart packer by packing a suitcase that was 43 lbs. for my trip out west. However, I didn't account for my shopping tendency and managed to buy 4 bottles of wine during my trip. I should've shipped them to myself, but thought I would take the chance that they wouldn't cause my suitcase to go overweight. Boy, was I wrong! I dropped my suitcase onto the scale at the check-in counter this morning and it hit a whopping 57 lbs. Uh oh!

I would've paid the extra fee if it was only $25 and not have to deal with the hassle of finding a shipper in the airport, but the fee is $50 for the extra 7 lbs. Ugggghhhh!

Fortunately, @ss was willing to check his backpack, so we removed 2 of my wine bottles and wrapped them up securely in his backpack. Hopefully, they survive the trip intact. Anyways, removing the 2 wine bottles dropped my suitcase weight to 50.5 lbs and the attendant let me slide with the 1/2 lb overage.

SUV update

So, $868 later and my SUV is fixed. Didn’t know I was having car trouble? Well, it all started when….

My good mechanic friend helped me pick up my new Mini Cooper from the dealer. I drove my SUV out to Annapolis and he drove my SUV back while I drove the Mini. After dropping my SUV at my house, he tells me my shifter has much more play since the last time he drove it. Hmmm….I can’t say I’m surprised because when others are driving my SUV, they have trouble finding some of the gears.

And…

Laa-Laa informs me at the Blue Hen Analversary weekend that 2 of my 3 back brake lights are burned out. Jeez! It’s a wonder I haven’t been rear-ended or pulled over for that.

So, last Thursday I drop my SUV at the mechanic with 4 complaints:

1. Inspect shifter
2. Brake lights
3. Engine noise – drive belt perhaps?
4. Burning oil smell – oil change perhaps? Its been about 4K miles since the last one.
   

Later that day I get the synopsis:

1. Shifters been worn out to the point that not only are bushings worn out, but all the widgets up to the shift lever are ground to dust.
2. Brake lights will take 10 minutes to replace.
3. The engine noise I’ve been hearing for 3 weeks are the oil pressure flaps. I’ve burnt my oil to a crisp. They’re going to perform an oil change and also include an additive to decrease the viscosity of the oil for the next oil change.
4. And that smell I just decided to check out on the way to the mechanic? Oh, that was just my brakes. My front left caliper locked up and scraped my brake pads down until there was nothing left.
   

Lord almighty! It’s a wonder that I haven’t been the cause of 6-car pileup with these sorts of car problems! All I can say is that driving back and forth to VA Beach has been hellish on my poor SUV. I’ve practically run it into the ground.

Well, no more of that from now on. Whether or not I drive 3K miles or not, I’m changing/adding fluids every 6 months (especially since the Mini doesn’t require servicing until 15K miles). I want my SUV to last a long, long time.

Thanksgiving in Las Cruces, NM

So I’ve been dating @ss Spelunker for about 8 months now and it has now come to that point in time where we get to meet each other’s family. Fortunately for me, @ss has chosen to visit his dad this year, so spending Thanksgiving meeting his dad and siblings should be painless. Although I’m sure his mom and grandmother are easy-going, men are just waaaaay more laid back about meeting girlfriends.


So, we fly to El Paso this Saturday where we plan to immediately hash with the Border Jumpers and party with them until we are either too drunk to move or until his family calls wondering where we are. After that it will be random family time/sightseeing around Las Cruces, NM through Wednesday when we head back down to El Paso to watch Butt Darts perform his comedy routine. Then more family time until we fly out Friday afternoon.


But guess what @ss gets to do when we arrive back in Baltimore on Friday evening? Yep, the family fun time isn’t over yet! A 1½-hour drive to DE to meet MY dad, siblings, and grandparents. Depending on how ambitious I am and how stubborn @ss is to wake up on Saturday morning, I may drag him out to my high school for the annual Reindeer Stampede 5K. Since he loves to win races, I’d like to see if he can beat the course record of 16:43. He claims he can run 5½-minute miles for short segments. Let’s see what he’s made of!

Lessons Learned: OBX Marathon Weekend

1. 
   Just because you pick up some eye candy, does not mean that the person makes good hasher material. Especially when the person believes in working 20 and sleeping 4 hours each day.
2. 
   Follow the flow of traffic while driving a new car. Just because the dealer told you that you can’t drive above 80 mph for the 1st 1000 miles, doesn’t mean a cop won’t pull you over for doing a 69 in a 55 after your car fails to appear as a registered vehicle.
3. 
   If you absolutely need to take a piss, it is better to piss along the side of the road than to stop at a deserted gas station. The 45 minutes you spend in handcuffs claiming innocence of drug trafficking, drinking and driving, and urinating in public to 5 NC state troopers is just not worth it.
4. 
   Just because you are capable of providing a reminder, does not mean that the reminder will grant you a free pass to a blowjob or butt sex. And intentions to steal the booty could result in losing your turn.
5. 
   Don’t park your car near trees. Even if you only park for an hour, you could return to find that a flock of birds dumped their load on your vehicle.
6. 
   Always put a sheet down when sleeping on a foreign couch. There may be a reason that you weren’t invited to sleep on the couch in the first place – try flea powder in sensitive areas.
7. 
   Hashers of all abilities are capable of running a half-marathon with no training. You may not finish in under 2 ½ hours, but you’ll finish.
8. 
   Tell your significant other BEFORE a race to return to mile marker 10 to pace you to the finish line. That way he doesn’t look bad, lose his free pass blowjob, and have to spend an hour freezing his @ss off while you debate running the last 3 miles.
9. 
   If there is free beer available, hashers will figure out a way to drink it. Even if it means borrowing a finisher’s medal and aluminum wrap for 5 minutes to score the wristband that grants 6 beers.
10. 
    Chafing marks are unattractive, however, jock itch is both unattractive and contagious. Which would you rather choose if asked to perform oral sex?
11. 
    Even though Veteran’s Day is a Federal holiday, don’t expect a great turnout at a post-hash beer pong game. I guess even Tidewater hashers don’t want to show up for work with hangovers.
12. 
    Being sporked could mean 2 things: 1. Hitting a pong ball into a full vessel while playing beer pong. 2. Using Spock’s “Live Long and Prosper” hand signal to give your partner an alternative version of a shocker.
13. 
    Having a massage after running a half-marathon can be beneficial as long as you drink plenty of water afterwards and your quads are still capable of performing toilet seat squats.
14. 
    Crabs. The gift that keeps on giving. Especially when you slice your thumb picking at them.
15. 
    Sleeping for 1 hour prior to a 3-hour return journey will reduce the risk of falling asleep at the wheel. That and drinking a bottle of water to ensure regular pit stops.
    
    

Bars: Coastal Flats, Dogfish Head Ale House, Modern, Capital City Brewing Company, The R Bar

Lessons Learned: Blue Hen 15th Analversary Weekend

1. Surprised by Friday night bar congestion? Don’t be. It IS the University’s Parents’ weekend, after all. I’m sure all the parents are simply trying to obliterate the thoughts of what a 5-year education costs these days.
2. Don’t assume that a Pub Crawl will not incorporate some bit of running. Even if downtown Newark, DE is only a ½ mile long, trail can still be long and zig-zag in every direction away from and around the bars.
3. Don’t lay trail on railroad tracks in Newark, DE. Due to the proliferation of tracks and railyards, cops are especially vigilant of university students (or hashers) taking shortcuts. Also, the fact that the 90-mph Acela train cuts through the town on its way to NYC is a slight discouragement too.
4. Hashers can even offend local tree-huggers at their hang-out by singing “Jesus Saves”. It’s not because the tree-huggers find the lyrics offensive, it’s because they find the presence of “Jesus freaks” offensive.
5. Blue Hen hashers enter the Iron Hill Brewery with the sole intent to see how long it takes to get kicked out. Tonight’s sojourn is a Blue Hen hash record – 45 minutes (although only 5 minutes after their rendition of S&M man starts).
6. It may be wise to inform local hashers about the significant other – that way they don’t attempt to kick him out of the bar for hitting on his girlfriend.
7. Try to keep the significant other sober enough so that he won’t perform shocking feats like giving oral sex or a shocker in the presence of family. Or if he insists on drinking, ensure he is too drunk to contemplate sex.
8. Introduce scrapple to non-Delawareans. If it tastes good, does it matter what it’s made of?
9. Delaware hashing guarantee: Trail might not be dry, trail might not be short, but trail will most certainly be flat!
10. The concept of a beer mile can be applied to any sport, including baseball. Try chugging 3 cans of beer while running around a baseball diamond. First into homeplate without puking wins!
11. You can puke from several orifices at once. Namely mouth and nose. I’d like to see both ears next.
12. Holding a hasher after-party in a church may be unusual, but holding one in the Sunday School playroom is just a bad idea. It may be best next time to find a location that you are not guaranteed to lose your deposit on.
13. You can wear out your welcome by performing all of the following activities: building a castle wall from school room playtoys, having a wrestling match that ends up being a human pile-up, playing Beirut beer pong and spilling the beer on the school room carpet, putting a Barbie dress on your cock, peeking in school kids’ lockers, and bringing hard liquor to the school room when beer just isn’t enough.
14. Emphasize to the hare the definition of a hangover trail PRIOR to setting trail: “Short-ish type trail with plenty of beer checks and little physical jarring of brain activity.”
15. Even if 1/3 of the pack gets lost on trail and finds their way off-trail to the ending location, the remainder of the pack is only concerned about the safety of the lost hasher dog.
16. Circle always ends when the pizza delivery boy arrives. Do you want cold pizza?
17. When it takes 4 hours to drive home, don’t expect to catch the Patriots-Colts game live on television unless you have time for a lengthy pit stop.

Bars: Deer Park Tavern, Grotto’s Pizza, Home Grown, Iron Hill Brewery, East End Cafe