Lessons Learned: Thanksgiving Week

1. If you ask for assistance to place your cat in a cat carrier, be wary of the methods employed to achieve that goal. Your cat may end up spazzing out from its mad dash to escape a sadistic torturer.
2. Pay attention to the time and time zone changes. Discovering that your seats have been given away because you boarded a plane with only 10 minutes to spare will put you in a bad mood.
3. Download movies to the iPod. That way the significant other will not b*tch in public about the laptop being stored in an overhead compartment.
4. Ensure the significant other informs his family about OUR hashing plans a month in advance. That way they will not organize the grandmother’s birthday barbeque at a time when we cannot attend.
5. The Border Jumper hash rocks! What other hash would postpone their regular hash start time to accommodate your travel plans?
6. Who in their right mind would own a passel full of yapping Chihuahuas? One is bad enough, but to place 5 in a yard as attack dogs is ludicrous.
7. Do not set your beer down where a 2-year old is capable of obtaining a quick nip. You may earn the Border Jumpers hash shit for your mistake.
8. I used to like football – before I was forced to watch 10 hours of it. West of the Mississippi, you can watch football non-stop starting at 10am. On a related note, you will always root for your home team even when they suck, if it will manage to piss somebody off.
9. Don’t play video games in front of 8-year olds. They will ask to play when you don’t feel like sharing.
10. GPS navigational software is not very reliable when performing local searches. To date, it has 3 strikes against it for providing faulty directions to non-existent bowling alleys, miniature golf courses, and chocolate shops.
11. If your wife has put the kibosh on your drinking, don’t call her after downing 2 shots of tequila and a couple of beers. She WILL know.
12. You can avoid airplane viruses by sucking on throat lozenges. Of course, knowing this AFTER coming down with a 102-degree fever does you no good.
13. Cover your mouth when coughing. Loogies do not belong on a laptop keyboard.
14. Sick people make great designated drivers. As long as the drugs they’re consuming don’t make them sleepy.
15. If you live in the state of MD, you can ship wine to yourself, but you can’t purchase it online. Bummer.
16. Guitar hero is an addictive game. Even when you’re stuck playing the trial version in Best Buy. What dork would do that?
17. Ethiopian food is fun and nutritious! Where else can you eat with your hands and be guaranteed a dairy-free meal?
18. Shuffleboard is a very competitive game at the VFW. So is the lottery. At least the beers are only $1.25 a piece.
19. A dip in the Occoquan River in November guarantees you a spot in the Polar Bear Club (otherwise known as the Idiot Brigade). Afterwards, it might be prudent to get your shots updated too.
20. Bondage porn is very dissatisfying if you’re not into that stuff. Come on! Where’s the penetration??!!! On the other hand, 80s porn is very humorous. Don’t you find mullets and unshaved beavers sexy?

Bars: Old Horse Saloon, Joe’s Billiard Hall, Etete, Occoquan VFW