Since I got off the plane at midnight last night, today is my 1st official day of my week-long vacation in Tampa to ensure my sister gets hitched properly. Fortunately, my sisterly duties don’t begin immediately – I have 3 days to do whatever I wanna do for fun. My sis does want me to participate in the Gasparilla Night parade tonight, though. Apparently, there’s lots of boobie flashing. Since my sis is one of my regular blog readers, she must think I enjoy that sort of thing. Sis, I don’t swing that way, but I have experienced lots in the last 8 months of hashing.
I’ve already hooked up with Tie Me Down D*ck (no, not that kind of hook up!) to get the low-down on Tampa hashing. He informed me last month that Tampa’s Red Dress Run would run on the same day as the Gasparilla Night Parade. Oh, boy! I love to have a full schedule! A parade and a red dress run in the same day!
So, when I get ready for the hash, I’m not in the mood to wear the red dress I packed (I know…what’s wrong with me?), so I put on a red t-shirt and red DC Full Moon shorts. At least I’m wearing red!
I’m dropped off at the parking deck and am immediately outraged that a hasher named Insane Clown P*ssy is wearing MY dress!
(It does happen to be one of the most whorish outfits available on the internet, so I really shouldn’t be that shocked that someone else has one too.)
“Hey!! You’re wearing my dress! Look I have the exact same one right here in my bag.”
“What!! You can’t bring that dress to a Red Dress Run and not wear it. Put it on!”
So, just like at the DC RDR, I change in public while ICP helps strap me in.
While changing, I state, “My pants are around my ankles.”
Someone replies, “All women should dress that way.”
That would make for difficult walking….oh…what am I thinking?...of course, we won’t be walking with our pants around our ankles…
Our goody bags include $1.50 in quarters, a red dress pin, and four slips of paper that read, “Sexiest”, “Most Complete”, “Most Lip Prints”, and “Tackiest”. Our instructions are to hand out our slips of paper to the individuals that best merit the category. I hand my sexiest slip to my twin, ICP (I have to give him a prize for having such wonderful fashion sense!). Did you win, darlin’? I wasn’t paying attention. I don’t win any prizes myself, but I do make a good attempt for “Most Lip Prints”.
I’ve got to say this now… WH4 has infiltrated everywhere! Can one hash possibly spawn that many hashers? I didn’t quite realize it when I went to Tex/Mex cause there were only 2 ex-White Housers there, but after my intro at the Tampa RDR, I’ve realized that I can pretty much go anywhere and meet SOMEONE who used to hash with WH4. So who have I met?
True WH4 alumni:
- Whore Moans – I’m supposed to give a shout out to WOWO and REV, cause she’s their hash mama
- Leave It In Beaver
Ex DC-ers:
- Dances with Dildos – an ex-DCer (Mount Vernon – I think)
- Slim Prickens – is friends with PPE, but didn’t begin hashing until he moved to FL
- Begs 2 Cum – originally from Columbia, MD, but I don’t believe he ever hashed in DC
Who else are interesting characters?
Nosediver wears a fire-patterned pimp hat that I SO want to steal (speaking of hats I want to steal – that fab red velvet pimp hat on the ski trip disappeared from my condo before I could walk off with it – what a shame!).
His wife, Cockpit wins the Tackiest prize.
Hops on Pops (isn’t there a Hops on C*ck somewhere in the hashing world?
I keep calling her that all day) wears a lampshade on her head and brings a few virgins. Balls on a Barbed Wire has his hair tied into a million little mini-braids while walking around with his a$$ cheeks hanging out of his saloon girl outfit.
The $1.50 in quarters is to pay for public transportation.
Yay!
We get to terrorize innocent bystanders with our antics.
As we wait at the bus stop, we garner lots of attention from passing motorists.
Don’t crash your cars while y’all are taking those pics!
Hashers are such media wh*res!
When our trolley finally arrives, the bus driver pretends like he will refuse to admit us aboard. He is rather shocked when one of the dudes plants cherry-red lips on his cheek, though. Hee hee. Told ya we were gonna terrorize people! More Sex is a songmistress for the hash and leads us in a rendition of the Everyday is Wednesday theme song (although Thursday isn’t a hashing day down here).
When we sing the line, “Friday is a f*cking day”, the bus driver announces over the speakers, “I like Friday.”
Now, TMDD is wearing a burka and has been pole dancing on the bus.
When the bus driver next announces, “State law requires that all hookers stand in FRONT of the white line”, TMDD runs up front and starts pole dancing for the bus driver.
The bus driver then says, “Never mind”.
Ahhhh…don’t you love people that get into the hashing spirit?!
Our first bar is a white patio-ed building within spitting distance of some arena. As we walk up to the building, we notice that approximately 20 police choppers are lined up outside. Hmmm…are we gonna get locked up before we properly begin drinking? I go inside to introduce myself to the 5-0. The coppers happen to be sitting down in a large group having lunch. They aren’t very interesting, so I return to socialize with the hashers. A group of hashers are molesting a statue of Captain Morgan (or is it the pirate Gaspar?) in the corner. We so LOVE inanimate objects!!
We next proceed to the Azalea Lounge, which I learn later is a gay bar.
We have a jukebox at our disposal and TMDD programs it to belt out some tunes.
More Sex really gets into the music and jumps on the bar to dance.
Eventually, a group of us are dancing on top of the bar (including myself).
Watch out for those lamp fixtures!
They cost $1M!!
The bartender yells whenever someone accidentally bumps into them.
I’m applauded for great sucker (I mean lollipop!) technique while dancing.
Why thank you!
We pick up some trail treasure at the Azalea Lounge.
A dude walks in off the street and apparently likes seeing men in drag so much that he follows us for the rest of the pub crawl.
We also pick up more trail treasure at our next stop, the Hub.
There’s actually quite a few locals in this bar and TMDD and Kitty Litter have the fine idea to sing “Alouette” to a fine local lady.
She’s such a good sport!
If strangers walked up to me and sang that I had blow-job lips and swinging tits, I’m not sure how I would take it.
We invade a kiddie fair and jump into a line serving free Red Baron pizza and give-aways to children under 12.
Well!
We act like we’re under 12!
Doesn’t that count??
I have to admit some of the kids’ eyes get as wide as saucers when they spy our group.
We’re free entertainment!
Maybe not wholesome, but free!
By this point, I’m a bit tired of all the walking we’re doing. Are we there yet? Next stop: Gilligan’s. Well, looks like I’ve found parade central. There are tons of pirates and buxom serving wenches running around in this bar, which reminds me that I need to call my sis.
Gosh darn it! I’ve left my phone in TMDD’s car. I don’t know my sis’ phone number, so I can’t call her to tell her where I am. She’s gonna be so pissed at me. Fortunately, she has put out an APB on me. She’s alerted her fiance’s family to look out for a group of men AND women wearing red dresses.
When A (fiance’s sister) spots me walking through the parade staging area, she calls her brother over and says, “That’s R’s sister!”.
Of course, he doesn’t believe her.
I would NEVER wear an outfit like that in public.
He doesn’t know me very well, does he?
My sis chases me down and we are happily re-united. She wants me to walk in the parade. I refuse because I’m not going to walk more than I have to in these heels. Her fiancé refuses, also, cause he doesn’t want my attire to be seen by his family (understandable! In one week, I’m going to be parading myself down the aisle in a much more respectable manner. I don’t need any gossiping OR to be chased by horny old men – could that happen, sis?)
When is this pub crawl EVER going to end? I’m pooped. I think I’ve been to a total of 6 bars. This is a long-a$$ pub crawl. Until next year….
Must be those super-athletic DC runners that make me look bad all the time, huh? I’m running with the Jolly Roger hash tonight and meet a different group than who was on the pub crawl on Saturday. Interesting checks at this hash. Clothing checks and titty checks. Haven’t encountered these checks before?
