Lessons Learned: Whisky Tasting

1. Guilt is a powerful weapon when trying to coerce someone into doing something they are reluctant to do. Like painting houses.
2. If you are going to attend a whisky tasting party after spending the day painting an apartment building, make sure to take a nap between events.
3. @ss Spelunker owns a suit. In fact, he owns a blue pinstripe suit with a REAL silk shirt. I kid you not!
4. When you ask your significant other to look up an address, actually wait 1 minute before giving them the what-to-for. Otherwise, you will never know if he was just blowing you off or really was going to do the task in 1 minute.
5. Even if you try to dress conservatively, Christmas cleavage (whether a smidge or overflowing) provides holiday cheer.
6. There are many types of whisky: Scotch (single-malt or blended), Canadian, Irish, Bourbon, Rye, Corn (otherwise known as moonshine) – try not to sample them all in one evening.
7. When drinking whisky, nurse your drinks carefully and don’t pour more than a shot at a time. You may be able to continue tasting after 2 hours that way.
8. Although Military Special may not be of a caliber for a whisky tasting, it’s a great mixing whisky for those that can’t tolerate straight whisky and don’t want to be caught mixing the Chivas Regal with coke.
9. Whisky slush contains orange juice, lemonade, tea, and most importantly, whisky. This amalgamation is a delicious reminder of a whisky sour – and just as potent.
10. Real eggnog contains raw eggs and can give you food poisoning if not stored correctly. Instead, buy the eggnog that comes pre-mixed with rum – it contains no dairy or eggs, so poses no danger when left on a table full of mixers all night long.
11. You know you are drunk when the hostess points out that she forgot to put the mistletoe decorations up after you are caught making out with your significant other.
12. You know your significant other thinks you are drunk when he tells other guests in your presence that he plans on getting you drunk enough that he can do you up the butt.
13. A Santa hat that is longer than your dress, begs the question – is the hat too long? Or the dress too short?
14. Bring a box of macaroni and cheese to a party. When you get the food munchies past midnight, you can always make a tasty snack – even if you make it only with water.
15. You realize you passed out WAAAAY early when you wake up the next morning and there are other guests crashing who never saw you the previous night.

Lessons Learned: TRASH Prom from Hell

1. Don’t expect a road trip with 9 people to be short. There will be potty breaks, snack breaks, and dance breaks to extend the 5 hour trip into a never-ending van ride.
2. Never open the door of a moving vehicle. You never know who might end up as a chalk outline in the hotel parking lot.
3. Witnessing a hasher go down for the count will cause you to immediately reevaluate your religious beliefs. Also, it’s a serious buzzkill.
4. If you can’t recognize your significant other in a dark U-Haul until he laughs at your question, “What’s your hash name?”, you are either intoxicated or in need of glasses.
5. Ixnay on the vajayjay (independent noun clause, origin: Pig Latin): gynecological instructions following a routine pelvic exam that affect you and your partner for 10 days. Synonyms: frustration, aggravation, annoyance Antonym: satisfaction
6. Avoid drinking 151. It WILL cause you to puke. It’s only a matter of time.
7. If you cannot remember anything about the previous evening other than a bit of karaoke and standing in a U-Haul, it was a good pub crawl with plenty of alcohol.
8. Kool-aid can cure a hangover. I have never truly appreciated the wonders of fruit-flavored sugar water.
9. Don’t be surprised when the TRASH lays 2 back-to-back trails in a single afternoon because the first trail does not incorporate an acceptable level of shiggy.
10. Inquire about water hazards before setting out on trail. That way a search party doesn’t need to go out when you’re an hour late to circle because you decided to backtrack the entire trail.
11. Even after witnessing multiple TRASH bibbings in the past year, you still gag at the sight of bib mix being poured on the bib-ees.
12. Always have a back-up transportation plan after a TRASH bibbing. Do you want to be in a U-Haul with that bib stench permeating the vehicle?
13. Buck-a-fuffalo dressed as a leprechaun looks an awful lot like Rusty Prick.
14. Dolly Style makes a very good impression of Gene Simmons when wearing face paint. I really had no idea that he was metallically lisping “Stand By Your Man” until it was announced half-way through his song performance.
15. It has come to my attention that I must implement a new rule in the ongoing care of @ss Spelunker: Tippy cup is only permitted during ½ hour blocks following an acceptable period on the bench. As unfortunate as this sounds, this prevention measure is necessary to avoid carrying 150 lbs of dead weight.
16. A short lunch at Ruby Tuesdays can turn into a 3-hour pit stop if your waitress loses your order.
17. The road trip back home with 9 people in a supposedly 15-person van is hellish. If you aren’t combating space, comfort ability, or hangover issues then you have the other passengers’ day-after-drunkfest gastral juices and odors to contend with.

Bars: I really have no idea what bars I went to on the pub crawl, but Prom was held at Drifter’s Saloon.

Lessons Learned: Thanksgiving Week

1. If you ask for assistance to place your cat in a cat carrier, be wary of the methods employed to achieve that goal. Your cat may end up spazzing out from its mad dash to escape a sadistic torturer.
2. Pay attention to the time and time zone changes. Discovering that your seats have been given away because you boarded a plane with only 10 minutes to spare will put you in a bad mood.
3. Download movies to the iPod. That way the significant other will not b*tch in public about the laptop being stored in an overhead compartment.
4. Ensure the significant other informs his family about OUR hashing plans a month in advance. That way they will not organize the grandmother’s birthday barbeque at a time when we cannot attend.
5. The Border Jumper hash rocks! What other hash would postpone their regular hash start time to accommodate your travel plans?
6. Who in their right mind would own a passel full of yapping Chihuahuas? One is bad enough, but to place 5 in a yard as attack dogs is ludicrous.
7. Do not set your beer down where a 2-year old is capable of obtaining a quick nip. You may earn the Border Jumpers hash shit for your mistake.
8. I used to like football – before I was forced to watch 10 hours of it. West of the Mississippi, you can watch football non-stop starting at 10am. On a related note, you will always root for your home team even when they suck, if it will manage to piss somebody off.
9. Don’t play video games in front of 8-year olds. They will ask to play when you don’t feel like sharing.
10. GPS navigational software is not very reliable when performing local searches. To date, it has 3 strikes against it for providing faulty directions to non-existent bowling alleys, miniature golf courses, and chocolate shops.
11. If your wife has put the kibosh on your drinking, don’t call her after downing 2 shots of tequila and a couple of beers. She WILL know.
12. You can avoid airplane viruses by sucking on throat lozenges. Of course, knowing this AFTER coming down with a 102-degree fever does you no good.
13. Cover your mouth when coughing. Loogies do not belong on a laptop keyboard.
14. Sick people make great designated drivers. As long as the drugs they’re consuming don’t make them sleepy.
15. If you live in the state of MD, you can ship wine to yourself, but you can’t purchase it online. Bummer.
16. Guitar hero is an addictive game. Even when you’re stuck playing the trial version in Best Buy. What dork would do that?
17. Ethiopian food is fun and nutritious! Where else can you eat with your hands and be guaranteed a dairy-free meal?
18. Shuffleboard is a very competitive game at the VFW. So is the lottery. At least the beers are only $1.25 a piece.
19. A dip in the Occoquan River in November guarantees you a spot in the Polar Bear Club (otherwise known as the Idiot Brigade). Afterwards, it might be prudent to get your shots updated too.
20. Bondage porn is very dissatisfying if you’re not into that stuff. Come on! Where’s the penetration??!!! On the other hand, 80s porn is very humorous. Don’t you find mullets and unshaved beavers sexy?

Bars: Old Horse Saloon, Joe’s Billiard Hall, Etete, Occoquan VFW

Lessons Learned: OBX Marathon Weekend

1. 
   Just because you pick up some eye candy, does not mean that the person makes good hasher material. Especially when the person believes in working 20 and sleeping 4 hours each day.
2. 
   Follow the flow of traffic while driving a new car. Just because the dealer told you that you can’t drive above 80 mph for the 1st 1000 miles, doesn’t mean a cop won’t pull you over for doing a 69 in a 55 after your car fails to appear as a registered vehicle.
3. 
   If you absolutely need to take a piss, it is better to piss along the side of the road than to stop at a deserted gas station. The 45 minutes you spend in handcuffs claiming innocence of drug trafficking, drinking and driving, and urinating in public to 5 NC state troopers is just not worth it.
4. 
   Just because you are capable of providing a reminder, does not mean that the reminder will grant you a free pass to a blowjob or butt sex. And intentions to steal the booty could result in losing your turn.
5. 
   Don’t park your car near trees. Even if you only park for an hour, you could return to find that a flock of birds dumped their load on your vehicle.
6. 
   Always put a sheet down when sleeping on a foreign couch. There may be a reason that you weren’t invited to sleep on the couch in the first place – try flea powder in sensitive areas.
7. 
   Hashers of all abilities are capable of running a half-marathon with no training. You may not finish in under 2 ½ hours, but you’ll finish.
8. 
   Tell your significant other BEFORE a race to return to mile marker 10 to pace you to the finish line. That way he doesn’t look bad, lose his free pass blowjob, and have to spend an hour freezing his @ss off while you debate running the last 3 miles.
9. 
   If there is free beer available, hashers will figure out a way to drink it. Even if it means borrowing a finisher’s medal and aluminum wrap for 5 minutes to score the wristband that grants 6 beers.
10. 
    Chafing marks are unattractive, however, jock itch is both unattractive and contagious. Which would you rather choose if asked to perform oral sex?
11. 
    Even though Veteran’s Day is a Federal holiday, don’t expect a great turnout at a post-hash beer pong game. I guess even Tidewater hashers don’t want to show up for work with hangovers.
12. 
    Being sporked could mean 2 things: 1. Hitting a pong ball into a full vessel while playing beer pong. 2. Using Spock’s “Live Long and Prosper” hand signal to give your partner an alternative version of a shocker.
13. 
    Having a massage after running a half-marathon can be beneficial as long as you drink plenty of water afterwards and your quads are still capable of performing toilet seat squats.
14. 
    Crabs. The gift that keeps on giving. Especially when you slice your thumb picking at them.
15. 
    Sleeping for 1 hour prior to a 3-hour return journey will reduce the risk of falling asleep at the wheel. That and drinking a bottle of water to ensure regular pit stops.
    
    

Bars: Coastal Flats, Dogfish Head Ale House, Modern, Capital City Brewing Company, The R Bar

Lessons Learned: Blue Hen 15th Analversary Weekend

1. Surprised by Friday night bar congestion? Don’t be. It IS the University’s Parents’ weekend, after all. I’m sure all the parents are simply trying to obliterate the thoughts of what a 5-year education costs these days.
2. Don’t assume that a Pub Crawl will not incorporate some bit of running. Even if downtown Newark, DE is only a ½ mile long, trail can still be long and zig-zag in every direction away from and around the bars.
3. Don’t lay trail on railroad tracks in Newark, DE. Due to the proliferation of tracks and railyards, cops are especially vigilant of university students (or hashers) taking shortcuts. Also, the fact that the 90-mph Acela train cuts through the town on its way to NYC is a slight discouragement too.
4. Hashers can even offend local tree-huggers at their hang-out by singing “Jesus Saves”. It’s not because the tree-huggers find the lyrics offensive, it’s because they find the presence of “Jesus freaks” offensive.
5. Blue Hen hashers enter the Iron Hill Brewery with the sole intent to see how long it takes to get kicked out. Tonight’s sojourn is a Blue Hen hash record – 45 minutes (although only 5 minutes after their rendition of S&M man starts).
6. It may be wise to inform local hashers about the significant other – that way they don’t attempt to kick him out of the bar for hitting on his girlfriend.
7. Try to keep the significant other sober enough so that he won’t perform shocking feats like giving oral sex or a shocker in the presence of family. Or if he insists on drinking, ensure he is too drunk to contemplate sex.
8. Introduce scrapple to non-Delawareans. If it tastes good, does it matter what it’s made of?
9. Delaware hashing guarantee: Trail might not be dry, trail might not be short, but trail will most certainly be flat!
10. The concept of a beer mile can be applied to any sport, including baseball. Try chugging 3 cans of beer while running around a baseball diamond. First into homeplate without puking wins!
11. You can puke from several orifices at once. Namely mouth and nose. I’d like to see both ears next.
12. Holding a hasher after-party in a church may be unusual, but holding one in the Sunday School playroom is just a bad idea. It may be best next time to find a location that you are not guaranteed to lose your deposit on.
13. You can wear out your welcome by performing all of the following activities: building a castle wall from school room playtoys, having a wrestling match that ends up being a human pile-up, playing Beirut beer pong and spilling the beer on the school room carpet, putting a Barbie dress on your cock, peeking in school kids’ lockers, and bringing hard liquor to the school room when beer just isn’t enough.
14. Emphasize to the hare the definition of a hangover trail PRIOR to setting trail: “Short-ish type trail with plenty of beer checks and little physical jarring of brain activity.”
15. Even if 1/3 of the pack gets lost on trail and finds their way off-trail to the ending location, the remainder of the pack is only concerned about the safety of the lost hasher dog.
16. Circle always ends when the pizza delivery boy arrives. Do you want cold pizza?
17. When it takes 4 hours to drive home, don’t expect to catch the Patriots-Colts game live on television unless you have time for a lengthy pit stop.

Bars: Deer Park Tavern, Grotto’s Pizza, Home Grown, Iron Hill Brewery, East End Cafe

Virginia Derby and Busch Gardens: 25-ish Lessons Learned

1. Don’t be surprised when you’re nominated to be a hare 10 minutes before the hash is to begin. And don’t be surprised when you must drink for laying a sh*tty trail. However, you can earn a free, warm Sparks from Barcode B*tch if the trail is short and stroller-friendly.
2. Trust in your parking karma to score a sweet parking spot in front of the track. However, don’t expect to arrive at the entrance before the rest of the group when a passenger chooses to chug a Sparks upon arrival.
3. Don’t expect reliable advice from an expert horse agent for your gambling tips at Colonial Downs. Especially when they’re drunk.
4. Make sure you know HOW to place a bet when you approach the teller. If you say your bet incorrectly, you still have to pay for it. Didn’t want the 2, 4, and 7 horses in a trifecta? Too bad. Pay up.
5. Bring a lawn chair to the Virginia Derby. Most of the available stadium seating will be occupied by senior citizens.
6. Don’t exclude longshots from your betting. Just because they’re not popular betting choices, doesn’t mean the horses can’t run. And win.
7. It pays to know the beer wench. You can have all-you-can-drink beer for only $4.
8. If you grew up in the shadow of a gambler and spent your entire childhood at the racetrack, you are a hot commodity come Derby day.
9. Don’t expect to find a franchised restaurant on VA Rte. 17 north of I-64. There aren’t any.
10. Turkeys are mean sons-of-b*tches if you approach them. Avoid them whenever possible, but especially when they’re hissing at you.
11. Watching a black lab chase a turkey around a backyard and into the neighboring woods is the funniest sh*t EVER! Hearing the bird’s terrified squawks are the best part.
12. Stand near a male as a preventive measure from dancefloor stalkers. If that doesn’t work, then drag your significant other onto the dancefloor. Also, dancefloor stalkers are NEVER taller than 5’5”
13. Apparently, kissing your significant other while at a bar will encourage your best friend to score a playtoy for the evening. Cause who wants to be the third wheel?
14. If you lose your drunk hairdresser at the bar, don’t expect to find her again until the next morning. Paging her via the DJ and walking around the bar for a ½ hour will not locate someone that has left.
15. A guy does not have to be attractive in order to dance well. Or at least, he seemed attractive before he took his hat off.
16. Don’t ask drunk people to navigate. You may end up making more U-turns in 5 minutes than you usually make in an entire week.
17. Take a dump before your morning run or trust in your karma to provide a port-a-potty at Mile 1.
18. Don’t forget to tip your waitress for breakfast. Otherwise, you will get heckled by your friends for your mistake and be required to return to the diner to make reparations.
19. Military types get in free to Busch Gardens. But they still have to pay $10 for parking in an auxiliary lot that is a ½ mile from the main entrance. This exorbitant fee can be circumvented by driving directly to the lot rather than waiting in line at the main entrance.
20. Expect long lines at Busch Gardens. For everything. Including food.
21. Season pass ticket holders get discounts on everything including food and parking. And if you’re a VA resident, the season pass costs $54. If you don’t live in VA, you’re SOL.
22. Apparently, you can acquire the habits of your significant other which can include stuttering, whining, and thriftiness even as you’re trying to curb/train these habits.
23. If you’re gonna do something gay at Busch Gardens, do something that doesn’t occupy an hour of your 6-hour time schedule. Waiting for the Corkscrew Hill ride is NOT worth it. Especially, if it is your significant other’s favorite ride.
24. Second to Corkscrew Hill, the American Jukebox performance is the gayest show at Busch Gardens; the performers wear gay-colored jump suits with ruffled sleeves during the 70’s bit. What college kid would admit to performing this on their resume? At least there isn’t an hour-long wait, though.
25. When eating a smoked turkey leg, think of the 30-lb. turkey from the previous evening and look forward to slaughtering it come Thanksgiving.
26. Don’t be on top on the morning prior to your weekly long training run. Your knees will NOT forgive you.

Bars: Colonial Downs Racetrack, Saddle Ridge

Total Bar Count: 98

Total DC Bars: 50

EWH3 Pub Crawl: 15 Lessons Learned

1. You don’t realize how hard it is to drink a 25oz can of beer before it gets warm. But I’m sure that shotgunning a Fosters is good training for the beer mile.
2. Always pack chalk. Even for a pub crawl. Especially when it starts at 12:30pm.
3. If you arrive late to a pub crawl, you still need to pay full price. Don’t like the policy? Take it up with the organizers.
4. If you must choose between a 9-block walk and a 2-stop metro ride when it is 90 degrees outside, choose the metro ride. You’ll sweat less that way. And maintain your buzz longer.
5. Don’t be surprised when wagers are laid on how long you will keep your top on in a Hooters restaurant. And especially don’t be surprised that Hermie wins the bet.
6. Just because there are no sizes larger than a medium at Hooters, doesn’t mean that you should buy it. Although wearing a shirt that ends 3 inches above your midriff is HOT.
7. If you are going to bring your own liquor to a bar, make sure the manager doesn’t see you pouring it into the glass of coke you just ordered. And if you get kicked out of said bar for performing said act, don’t expect the pack to boycott the bar for your actions. We’ll meet you at the next bar in an hour – have fun!
8. If you seat yourself at the bar, don’t be surprised if you must give up your seat to a gimp. Even if you are a girl.
9. If you decide to drink a frou frou drink like raspberry beer, expect most of it to be consumed by other hashers wanting a taste test.
10. If you get a request to show your tits, why refuse? You may lose an opportunity for a magazine spread. Right! Or you’ve just heard the world’s worst pick-up line.
11. If it’s not your beer, don’t drink it. Especially if it’s warm to the touch. And MOST especially if Hermie hands it to you. It’s probably not beer.
12. When the pub crawl is officially over at 8pm, don’t let that stop the pack from continuing the crawl. Onwards to the next hasher-friendly bar!
13. Keep your phone on vibrate mode in loud bars. That way you can help out-of-town hashers locate you without them needing to drive around Adams Morgan for 1 ½ hours looking for parking.
14. Hashers are caring souls that will take in other wayward, homeless hashers. Especially when they pass out in the street in front of the last bar.
15. If your name is Donnie the Retard, don’t be surprised when most hashers ask, “Do you have an 8-lb watermelon head?”

Bars: Cardinal’s Nest, Senators, Hooters, The Big Hunt, The Reef, Millie & Al’s

Total Bar Count: 96

Total DC Bars: 50

The Big Hunt doesn’t count since I have visited it previously.

261st SH*T Hash: 10 Lessons Learned

It’s the Hung Over for the 4^th of July trail. Yay!! I can get plastered tonight. Dixie Queen has invited us to crash at his house in the wilds of Loudon County. I usually don’t do lessons learned for a hash but since it’s a sleepover, I believe a special exception is in order.

1. If you are nominated as the hash’s FRB and are required to carry a trophy on trail that weighs 10 lbs, at least have the decency to act like it was a difficult task. Finishing as the FRB doesn’t prove its effectiveness. Of course, lack of competition might have played a part as well.
2. When Lube is on the walker’s trail, she requires an eco-friendly trail (aka finish all the beer on trail before leaving the beer check and carry the trash bag to the nearest dumpster).
3. If you want to slow the pack down, draw a giant c*ck in chalk on an elementary school basketball court. Media sl*t-type hashers will take the opportunity to photograph themselves with the c*ck with every combination of hashers and angles possible.
4. When you don’t hear the first 3 calls for the shuttle to your car, blame your significant other for failing to notify you. That’s what they’re there for. To be your scapegoat.
5. Expect to get violated for stating an intention to defile a kid’s playground. Apparently, that is unacceptable hash behavior. Even when the playground is in the shape of a house and is the perfect size for an air mattress.
6. If you get trashed, you are capable of no wrong-doing. Never admit to pissing or puking on yourself or your surroundings. Because if you don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.
7. Don’t generously offer your mudslides to PPE. After the first, he will consume every mudslide you acquire for yourself afterwards. However, considering the drunken state of the hasher acquiring the mudslides, he may have been a knight in shining armor
8. If you are easily distracted by the sight of tits, do not play Strippy Cup. Obviously, no good can come of it.
9. Don’t expect your significant other to immediately enter your tent after you announce your state of undress. Nope. It will take chastising from 7 hashers and a night-time ban from Tippy Cup to force them to bed.
10. If you choose to pass out next to the kids’ playground without protecting yourself via a tent, don’t be surprised when the kids decide to spray you with the garden hose as a practical joke.

T.I.T.S. – 20 Lessons Learned

1. The new beer types are as follows (as inscripted on the portable kegerator): Mother’s Milk, Yuengling, and Piss. Mother’s Milk is Guinness. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what piss is.
2. If you must take the scenic route to avoid traffic on the Interstate, always follow the Nissan Frontier to incorporate an off-roading excursion into your detour.
3. It takes 6 hashers to inflate a 6’ tall inflatable c*ck. It takes 2 to deflate it.
4. Chemlights are not toxic to ingest. According to the ex-Army chick who ripped one open with her teeth and poured the liquid all over herself.
5. Sleeping next to a loud refrigerator truck isn’t so bad after the first night. Once you get used to the generator noise and learn the cycling frequency, you can plan your orgasms around them.
6. Volunteering for breakfast detail requires waking up at 5am – either plan to stay up all night or go to bed early. Or sign up for a different shift.
7. When you volunteer to participate in a Hash Olympics event, have a general idea of what type of event you’ll be doing. Otherwise, you’ll find that you have to squeeze Vaseline out of your hair or urinate on a frozen t-shirt.
8. People will feel sorry for you when you puke while playing Tippy Cup. You’ll even be granted a break (by getting voted off) to recover.
9. For fire safety, ensure fireworks are launched over the river, not the forest. Also ensure that experienced, prepared firefighters are in attendance. Of course, having @ss Ogre perform a rain dance/ fireworks jump while the fireworks go off may be an acceptable blood sacrifice too.
10. Beware of hashers hanging from ceiling beams – they may unexpectedly wrap their legs around your head.
11. If you must perform a man-gina stunt, please ensure the proper mood is cultivated through appropriate stunt music (i.e. Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy”).
12. Don’t be surprised when you discover that a trail of chemlights has been altered to lead directly from your tent to the dancing stage.
13. Don’t leave your inflatable boyfriend out on the prowl, he may be used to perform a circus trapeze act and get his p*nis ripped off in the process.
14. @ss Spelunker can have a BF (b*tch-fit) worthy of Paris Hilton when he’s cold and hungry. Packing a waterproof canister of food can alleviate sudden outbursts.
15. Don’t expect a 15-person tubing flotilla to be grateful of your hauling efforts. They won’t bandage up your battered knees or cook you dinner, so abandon them when you’re within sight of the end.
16. Don’t pass out on the hood of a Volvo wearing only a string bikini. Who knows what the grandpa and his grandkids thought after returning from their fishing excursion…
17. Re-apply sunblock. Once is just never enough. Especially when you don’t properly monitor your turning intervals.
18. Don’t expect your significant other to take it easy after your departure. Nope – he’ll stay up later than he did the entire weekend playing Tippy Cup until he is too drunk to walk straight.
19. Always be the last to pack up. You won’t believe what kind of free sh*t you can manage to score!
20. After T.I.T.S., you’ll never accept eating camping slosh ever again.

Virginia Beach Weekend: 15 Lessons Learned

1. If you insist on finishing a bottle of butterscotch liqueur, then expect to achieve a state of inebriation where you forget half of the evening’s activities and make-out with the closest available person.
2. 4-year old expired Magnums are as effective as non-expired condoms. They all still break after 30 minutes.
3. If you leave the back door unlocked with a note on the coffee table stating you’re not home, don’t be surprised if you receive a mystery response from an unknown (and uninvited) guest.
4. Dirty Dogg has no concept of time. When he states that he will be back on the beach in one hour, multiply his estimate by 3.
5. When you go to the beach, make sure to pack your swim suit in your travel bag – not leave it in your laundry basket in the back of your car (which is not at the beach).
6. If your friends are visiting a DC friend’s beach condo, don’t be surprised when they plan to sleep the entire weekend there. Keep an overnight bag in your car for such eventualities.
7. Salt water takes the itch out of poison ivy. Too bad it doesn’t take care of the oozing pus.
8. If you don’t place sunblock on your feet, don’t be surprised by the tan line your sandals leave on your feet.
9. Making your bed partner wait an extra 5 hours for their sex ration, may result in your partner's wet dreams becoming a bit more vivid than either of you expected (butt cheeks can simulate a v*gina anytime, didn't you know?).
10. Neighbors are good people to know. A select few may offer you Crown Royal, an instant $100 spot-loan, and time-shares for $160.
11. When you encounter 12-mile back-ups on the interstate, be adventurous. Take the scenic route. You may get to experience the thrill of the road less traveled (and the farm stenches that accompany it).
    
12. When enforced condom use for 3 months still results in cleaning spooge off your stomach, it's time to throw in the towel. Just rely on the b.c.
13. When you are expecting an out-of-town guest, don't expect them to wait on your doorstep while you're playing Tippy cup at a campout.
14. Innocent, dead sand crabs will scare the living bejesus out of a 29-year-old man when you toss them on his lap (He was scared of the water snake that entered his tent during Cheap Mexican too). P*ssy!!
15. Cats that have never seen dogs and dogs that have never seen cats will not necessarily tear each other to pieces. Especially when the cats are bigger than the dogs.
    

Bars: Mahi Mah’s, Rudee’s, Chicho’s, Ocean Eddie’s

Total Bar Count: 74

Total DC Bars: 37

Anarchy Campout: 15 Lessons Learned

1. If a 5-person orgy is occurring in your tent, try and join in. Otherwise, you may wonder all weekend who you could have participated with.
2. (60 people + 1 port-o-potty + 12 rolls of toilet paper) x 36 hours = 3 foot pile o’sh*t (or in other measurements – sh*t 2 inches below the toilet seat)
3. If you are going to participate in naked fire-jumping, make sure to wear shoes. Also, a launching pad is a remarkable resource for a successful jump.
4. A Maytag hug is a wonderful bear hug that transfers the warmth of the campfire from the hugger to the huggee.
5. Chocolate-covered bananas with whipped cream are a tasty and erotic dessert (oh, and healthy too!).
6. It’s possible to cheat at Tippy Cup. Ask Dirty Dogg, who chugged and set his cup down and then claimed that it had been flipped.
7. If you consider yourself a bulimic alcoholic, having sex after consuming massive quantities of yucca will speed things along.
8. Playing Strippy cup may generate questions concerning your dating/relationship status.
9. Whiffle ball games are much more interesting when one of the game rules is that all players must hold a filled vessel at all times.
10. Winning at Tippy Cup is a double-edged sword. Although you may win, you will lose all memory of your priorities: keeping your tent urine-free, claiming your sex ration, and sleeping with a blanket.
11. Two cans of beer provide remarkable pain relieving and sedative properties.
12. These lessons REALLY are learned. Last week’s Cheap Mexican attendees ensured:
1. Condoms were packed and available
2. Their tents were on the other side of the campground from @ss Spelunker
3. Tent flaps were zipped shut to bar entry of snakes.
13. Hashers will SINCERELY yearn for the days when prancing around in women’s clothing was a campsite ritual versus strutting around naked.
14. Do not attempt to fight a steel keg. Steel is used to make many things that harm humans (i.e. swords and bullets). Why purposely place yourself in harm’s way?
15. If you’re gonna fall on trail, try not to fall into a patch of thorns. You may bleed less that way.

TRASH Cheap Mexican Campout – 20 Lessons Learned

1. Make sure condoms are included in the essential camping equipment checklist.
2. Don’t bother putting a swimsuit on around Chlorine. She’ll only forcibly remove it from you. And your clothing will NOT survive the removal.
3. Set up the bed to face the fire and tippy cup table. Relaxed observation of campsite activities is possible from the comfort of your own tent.
4. Don’t give Chlorine tequila. She’ll never find her way out of her tent. Wait up!! Maybe that’s a good thing?
5. Don’t set up your tent on the campsite periphery. Hashers may view the area behind it as pee zone and in their drunken state may accidentally pee on the tent.
6. If you’re interrupted while having sex, don’t stop what you’re doing. Otherwise, you’ll give up and be horny all day.
7. Eating Mexican food all weekend is effective in creating immunity to Fourth Meal at Taco Bell.
8. Just because a hasher has s*x with you, does not mean that the hasher will sleep in your tent that night.
9. Don’t assume that cops will put an end to a party. In some cases, they’ll provide photo ops with their authentic handcuffs - as long as the harriettes are willing to flash some titties.
10. Don’t try to give a BJ at the main campfire. You’ll only get heckled for your attempt.
11. A harriette can become a TRASHer by injection (without going through that nasty bibbing ritual – and instead get a pretty dog tag).
12. Don’t assume that amenities such as port-a-potties and showers will be easily accessible. You may need to traverse through 600 feet of swamp to get to them. However, a dip in a pool may be a short uphill walk away and a good alternative for a shower (figure out your own solution for getting rid of bodily waste).
13. Don’t pass out in the public campground area. You may wake up with a c*ck in your face.
14. Swim naked at your own peril. Your v*gina may go on display for the hashing public.
15. Always bring sharpies to a hashing event. It’s good to be prepared for any eventuality.
16. The purpose of challenging the wearer of the Tour de Jugs jersey is NOT to win the Tour de Jugs, but instead to get the wearer drunk. Also, the Tour de Jugs is a FEMALE competition.
17. Your tolerance for voyeurism increases when hashers play 3-man and throw beer cans against your tent.
18. Don’t walk around with your @ss exposed. You may end up with a handprint so large that Confused Follies will photograph it for future blackmail purposes.
19. If you date someone with a slight stutter, you may pick up their habit.
20. Don’t use MapQuest for directions. It may send you 20 miles out of your way and through the heart of the Fayette-Nam rush hour.

Stinko de Mayo – 15 Lessons Learned

1. Buy a tent without plastic windows so that hashers can not peer through them at any time. Can’t a hasher ever get it on without voyeurs?
2. Stay up late no matter how cold it is. You’re not gonna sleep anyways with drums pounding through the night.
3. Massive quantities of yucca will cause your bladder to send you out in the frigid night at least 5 times (or give you whisky d*ck – see lesson #11 below).
4. Wear socks to bed when camping. You may stay warmer that way. In fact, just wear clothes to bed unless its 80F.
5. Don’t try to sleep in the middle of the day. You’ll only sweat.
6. Hashers are a nosy bunch. They will interrupt you at inopportune times – and enjoy doing it!
7. When road-tripping, the first rule of hashing is: “Don’t hook up with hashers from your own hash.” “Strange” is the operative word.
8. Stake down your tent. Cause even if you are only using it as a changing room, it would be nice to pack it away for the next camping trip.
9. Steep hills and total drunkenness do not mix. The number of sprained ankles and softball-size bruises were innumerable on Sunday.
10. You can still earn a hash sh*t even if you do not attend a hash with a hash sh*t. A new H3 can always be founded to ensure you’re Sh*t-worthy.
11. Whisky d*ck is not a pleasant phenomenon for either party. Hours upon hours of getting it on is tiresome. Where are the s*x potions when you need them?
12. The best entertainment of the weekend occurs after most have left the campsite. The “Legion of Dumb” might hurdle beer kegs using a slip-n-slide or blow up stuffed animals with dynamite.
13. Don’t attempt to play bocci ball uphill. Your balls will never land where you expect them to.
14. Don’t assume that if your tent flap is closed, it will stay that way. Especially if you WANT privacy.
15. Put the drunken hashers to bed. Even falling out of a chair can be dangerous. And who knows what could be duct taped if they’re left exposed.

35 Lessons Learned from a Christmas Tree Burning Party

I usually learn quite a bit from my adventures. This weekend I learned more than usual (probably because my weekend was booked solid). I’ve also tried to organize my lessons in chronological order.

Friday

1. Be careful where applying Nair. You may singe more than your hair.
2. Don’t cook dinner for out-of-town guests without asking them if they are eating on the road beforehand.
3. Placing your head in someone’s lap may give passing cars the wrong idea.
4. If you break every condom used with your partner, it’s time to upgrade to a larger size condom.

Saturday

5. Don’t assume that having s*x will wake you up. Also don’t assume that the person suggesting s*x will participate.
6. Having s*x before a race may cause you to place 2^nd in your age group by only 30 seconds.
7. Virginia Beach races ALWAYS serve beer afterwards, no matter how many participants are registered.
8. Winning a race prize might result in you winning an ugly-@ss Christmas tree ornament.
9. Don’t assume your roommate ate your bananas for breakfast. They might have been doing you a favor.
10. If you wear a corset, expect a boob to pop out. Or designate a bystander as a boob fluffer.
11. Don’t bother wearing makeup when your nipples are hanging out. They’re really NOT looking at your face.
12. Braking and hitting the gas incessantly does not cause you to get anywhere any faster.
13. Don’t wait for a light sitting on railroad tracks. Your passengers may get upset with you. And you may be killed (either by your passengers or the oncoming train).
14. Being DFL is not always a good thing. You may miss out on the Tequila Rose at the beer check.
15. Having s*x on trail without applying Ivy Block could result in PI in uncomfortable places.
16. Some people ARE allowed upstairs at Neandersmall’s house. You just have to be “invited”.
17. If you become a human sundae, you will be required to take a shower from a garden hose.
18. Sitting on ice is not that painful if you have a ghetto booty.
19. Have patience when melting a frozen mug. It might shatter when thrown.
20. Christmas trees can burn to a crisp in 10 seconds flat.
21. Just because you are a good Tippy cup player doesn’t mean you will not get voted off the team or vice versa.
22. Don’t assume that you have a secret beer stash when you load a cooler right in front of the main deck. People will watch you – even if you are wearing a blond wig to disguise your identity.
23. Don’t stand too close to the fire pit when a new Christmas tree is placed on the fire. You may be singed.
24. Don’t assume a chick is wearing a bra just because her breasts are still perky.
25. If two people decide to sleep on a single-wide bed, one will be uncomfortable the entire night.
26. It’s impossible to sleep throughout the night with wood. Waking your partner up to take care of the situation may relieve the situation.

Sunday

27. Mayonnaise based dips are vomit-inducing the day after a party. Especially when suffering from a hang-over.
28. Morning wood is a recurring phenomenon when taking naps throughout the day.
29. If you leave personal possessions unattended, they tend to disappear (even if there are only 5 people left after the party).
30. Watch your beer around hashers’ pets. They may have learned that toppling the container may provide them with that blessed golden nectar from the gods.
31. There are people that are interested in seeing what a toxic v*gina looks like (and will take pics to boot!).
32. People will pay you to have a vasectomy if it guarantees that you will never procreate.
33. Strange sounds from your bed partner do not always indicate farting. Do a “sniff” test first.
34. Having s*x 7 times in a 36-hour period might wear you out. Extrapolate this to a 4-day weekend and the results will leave both parties frightened of surviving.
35. Leaving souvenirs for a cross-dresser guarantees the person will return for more souvenirs (cause why buy women’s clothes when they can be donated?).