35 Lessons Learned from a Christmas Tree Burning Party

I usually learn quite a bit from my adventures. This weekend I learned more than usual (probably because my weekend was booked solid). I’ve also tried to organize my lessons in chronological order.

Friday

1. Be careful where applying Nair. You may singe more than your hair.
2. Don’t cook dinner for out-of-town guests without asking them if they are eating on the road beforehand.
3. Placing your head in someone’s lap may give passing cars the wrong idea.
4. If you break every condom used with your partner, it’s time to upgrade to a larger size condom.

Saturday

5. Don’t assume that having s*x will wake you up. Also don’t assume that the person suggesting s*x will participate.
6. Having s*x before a race may cause you to place 2^nd in your age group by only 30 seconds.
7. Virginia Beach races ALWAYS serve beer afterwards, no matter how many participants are registered.
8. Winning a race prize might result in you winning an ugly-@ss Christmas tree ornament.
9. Don’t assume your roommate ate your bananas for breakfast. They might have been doing you a favor.
10. If you wear a corset, expect a boob to pop out. Or designate a bystander as a boob fluffer.
11. Don’t bother wearing makeup when your nipples are hanging out. They’re really NOT looking at your face.
12. Braking and hitting the gas incessantly does not cause you to get anywhere any faster.
13. Don’t wait for a light sitting on railroad tracks. Your passengers may get upset with you. And you may be killed (either by your passengers or the oncoming train).
14. Being DFL is not always a good thing. You may miss out on the Tequila Rose at the beer check.
15. Having s*x on trail without applying Ivy Block could result in PI in uncomfortable places.
16. Some people ARE allowed upstairs at Neandersmall’s house. You just have to be “invited”.
17. If you become a human sundae, you will be required to take a shower from a garden hose.
18. Sitting on ice is not that painful if you have a ghetto booty.
19. Have patience when melting a frozen mug. It might shatter when thrown.
20. Christmas trees can burn to a crisp in 10 seconds flat.
21. Just because you are a good Tippy cup player doesn’t mean you will not get voted off the team or vice versa.
22. Don’t assume that you have a secret beer stash when you load a cooler right in front of the main deck. People will watch you – even if you are wearing a blond wig to disguise your identity.
23. Don’t stand too close to the fire pit when a new Christmas tree is placed on the fire. You may be singed.
24. Don’t assume a chick is wearing a bra just because her breasts are still perky.
25. If two people decide to sleep on a single-wide bed, one will be uncomfortable the entire night.
26. It’s impossible to sleep throughout the night with wood. Waking your partner up to take care of the situation may relieve the situation.

Sunday

27. Mayonnaise based dips are vomit-inducing the day after a party. Especially when suffering from a hang-over.
28. Morning wood is a recurring phenomenon when taking naps throughout the day.
29. If you leave personal possessions unattended, they tend to disappear (even if there are only 5 people left after the party).
30. Watch your beer around hashers’ pets. They may have learned that toppling the container may provide them with that blessed golden nectar from the gods.
31. There are people that are interested in seeing what a toxic v*gina looks like (and will take pics to boot!).
32. People will pay you to have a vasectomy if it guarantees that you will never procreate.
33. Strange sounds from your bed partner do not always indicate farting. Do a “sniff” test first.
34. Having s*x 7 times in a 36-hour period might wear you out. Extrapolate this to a 4-day weekend and the results will leave both parties frightened of surviving.
35. Leaving souvenirs for a cross-dresser guarantees the person will return for more souvenirs (cause why buy women’s clothes when they can be donated?).