Lessons Learned from Revolution X

1. What other camping event has appetizer servers walk through the campsite distributing taquitos, spinach balls, and tuna salad-stuffed jalapeños while you set up your tent?
2. A campground is just not a campground without a fire blazing 24x7. What does it matter if it’s 95+ degrees outside?
3. Apparently, when your nose gets operated on, you have to wear a tampon around your nose. Talk about a fashion statement.
4. No one will suspect that you are not drinking beer if you keep your wooden vessel charged with water.
5. Male Sembach hashers greet each other by shaking each other’s c*cks. I wonder how the females greet each other?
6. If you wear see-through boxer briefs around the campsite, don’t be surprised when an elephant is drawn on your package.
7. I can stay up later than Spelunker! However, “I’m not tired” does not prevent the eventual tackling and dragging back to the tent, if running away is the chosen option.
8. Bloody Mary mix, no matter how tasty and delicious it may start out, can be ruined by an overzealous vodka pour.
9. The secret to the breakfast line is to get Long n’ Hard’s made-to-order omelets first, then cut into the regular line for “just” bacon and potatoes.
10. Nasty, skanky-@ss swamp water will invade every crevice and orifice of your body. The only option is to strip naked and find a slightly clean(er) body of water to wash up in.
11. Want to know how Camel Spit got her name? Ask her.
12. No one can say no to servitude in Piggy’s improvised kitchen. Even vegetarians assigned to frying beef for tacos.
13. Hedgehog can provide advice on Spelunker’s spooning preferences. Wow! Who knows how deep that friendship goes?
14. Wait until you see the d*ck trick called the curtain call! Who knew that men had the power to make their balls rise and lower within their ball sack? Simply amazing!
15. Tour de Chug jersey + 2 bottles sangria = Passed-out Spelunker by 8pm

Lessons Learned: Ft. Eustis AGM

1. When offered road-head by your significant other, don’t respond with, “I can’t, I’m driving” even if you can’t trust your own driving to keep you on the road.
2. Leaving the shower curtain open to make sure that someone can’t sneak up on you to pour cold water on you doesn’t work when the person can easily throw cold water on you from another room. Lock the door instead.
3. John Taylor’s window for performing sock-dressed d*ck tricks is getting shorter since Barcode’s grandbaby is growing. In the future, the socks may be too large for his d*ck.
4. Even Cheffy does not have plausible cause to reserve a king waterbed room with his male virgin.
5. If the Moose lodge waitress is only allowed to pour one shot at a time into your wooden mug, provide her with multiple vessels to pour shots into, as a single shot will not make an adequate mixed drink in a 32 oz vessel.
6. Tippy cup is a game that requires easy access to a puke repository. If the restrooms are not easily accessible or if your significant other refuses to go outside while it is snowing to hold your hair, do not play.
7. Don’t be surprised that your room gets invaded when you reserve one of the 3 hotel rooms available with a hot tub.
8. Two naked hot chicks in a tub are appealing until someone mentions that they are related.
9. Young men (anyone under 40) need to watch out for cougars lounging naked in hot tubs and random beds.
10. If items disappear out of your room, always blame the Trash. Especially when some room keys are skeleton keys for other rooms.

Virginia Derby and Busch Gardens: 25-ish Lessons Learned

1. Don’t be surprised when you’re nominated to be a hare 10 minutes before the hash is to begin. And don’t be surprised when you must drink for laying a sh*tty trail. However, you can earn a free, warm Sparks from Barcode B*tch if the trail is short and stroller-friendly.
2. Trust in your parking karma to score a sweet parking spot in front of the track. However, don’t expect to arrive at the entrance before the rest of the group when a passenger chooses to chug a Sparks upon arrival.
3. Don’t expect reliable advice from an expert horse agent for your gambling tips at Colonial Downs. Especially when they’re drunk.
4. Make sure you know HOW to place a bet when you approach the teller. If you say your bet incorrectly, you still have to pay for it. Didn’t want the 2, 4, and 7 horses in a trifecta? Too bad. Pay up.
5. Bring a lawn chair to the Virginia Derby. Most of the available stadium seating will be occupied by senior citizens.
6. Don’t exclude longshots from your betting. Just because they’re not popular betting choices, doesn’t mean the horses can’t run. And win.
7. It pays to know the beer wench. You can have all-you-can-drink beer for only $4.
8. If you grew up in the shadow of a gambler and spent your entire childhood at the racetrack, you are a hot commodity come Derby day.
9. Don’t expect to find a franchised restaurant on VA Rte. 17 north of I-64. There aren’t any.
10. Turkeys are mean sons-of-b*tches if you approach them. Avoid them whenever possible, but especially when they’re hissing at you.
11. Watching a black lab chase a turkey around a backyard and into the neighboring woods is the funniest sh*t EVER! Hearing the bird’s terrified squawks are the best part.
12. Stand near a male as a preventive measure from dancefloor stalkers. If that doesn’t work, then drag your significant other onto the dancefloor. Also, dancefloor stalkers are NEVER taller than 5’5”
13. Apparently, kissing your significant other while at a bar will encourage your best friend to score a playtoy for the evening. Cause who wants to be the third wheel?
14. If you lose your drunk hairdresser at the bar, don’t expect to find her again until the next morning. Paging her via the DJ and walking around the bar for a ½ hour will not locate someone that has left.
15. A guy does not have to be attractive in order to dance well. Or at least, he seemed attractive before he took his hat off.
16. Don’t ask drunk people to navigate. You may end up making more U-turns in 5 minutes than you usually make in an entire week.
17. Take a dump before your morning run or trust in your karma to provide a port-a-potty at Mile 1.
18. Don’t forget to tip your waitress for breakfast. Otherwise, you will get heckled by your friends for your mistake and be required to return to the diner to make reparations.
19. Military types get in free to Busch Gardens. But they still have to pay $10 for parking in an auxiliary lot that is a ½ mile from the main entrance. This exorbitant fee can be circumvented by driving directly to the lot rather than waiting in line at the main entrance.
20. Expect long lines at Busch Gardens. For everything. Including food.
21. Season pass ticket holders get discounts on everything including food and parking. And if you’re a VA resident, the season pass costs $54. If you don’t live in VA, you’re SOL.
22. Apparently, you can acquire the habits of your significant other which can include stuttering, whining, and thriftiness even as you’re trying to curb/train these habits.
23. If you’re gonna do something gay at Busch Gardens, do something that doesn’t occupy an hour of your 6-hour time schedule. Waiting for the Corkscrew Hill ride is NOT worth it. Especially, if it is your significant other’s favorite ride.
24. Second to Corkscrew Hill, the American Jukebox performance is the gayest show at Busch Gardens; the performers wear gay-colored jump suits with ruffled sleeves during the 70’s bit. What college kid would admit to performing this on their resume? At least there isn’t an hour-long wait, though.
25. When eating a smoked turkey leg, think of the 30-lb. turkey from the previous evening and look forward to slaughtering it come Thanksgiving.
26. Don’t be on top on the morning prior to your weekly long training run. Your knees will NOT forgive you.

Bars: Colonial Downs Racetrack, Saddle Ridge

Total Bar Count: 98

Total DC Bars: 50

T.I.T.S. – 20 Lessons Learned

1. The new beer types are as follows (as inscripted on the portable kegerator): Mother’s Milk, Yuengling, and Piss. Mother’s Milk is Guinness. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what piss is.
2. If you must take the scenic route to avoid traffic on the Interstate, always follow the Nissan Frontier to incorporate an off-roading excursion into your detour.
3. It takes 6 hashers to inflate a 6’ tall inflatable c*ck. It takes 2 to deflate it.
4. Chemlights are not toxic to ingest. According to the ex-Army chick who ripped one open with her teeth and poured the liquid all over herself.
5. Sleeping next to a loud refrigerator truck isn’t so bad after the first night. Once you get used to the generator noise and learn the cycling frequency, you can plan your orgasms around them.
6. Volunteering for breakfast detail requires waking up at 5am – either plan to stay up all night or go to bed early. Or sign up for a different shift.
7. When you volunteer to participate in a Hash Olympics event, have a general idea of what type of event you’ll be doing. Otherwise, you’ll find that you have to squeeze Vaseline out of your hair or urinate on a frozen t-shirt.
8. People will feel sorry for you when you puke while playing Tippy Cup. You’ll even be granted a break (by getting voted off) to recover.
9. For fire safety, ensure fireworks are launched over the river, not the forest. Also ensure that experienced, prepared firefighters are in attendance. Of course, having @ss Ogre perform a rain dance/ fireworks jump while the fireworks go off may be an acceptable blood sacrifice too.
10. Beware of hashers hanging from ceiling beams – they may unexpectedly wrap their legs around your head.
11. If you must perform a man-gina stunt, please ensure the proper mood is cultivated through appropriate stunt music (i.e. Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy”).
12. Don’t be surprised when you discover that a trail of chemlights has been altered to lead directly from your tent to the dancing stage.
13. Don’t leave your inflatable boyfriend out on the prowl, he may be used to perform a circus trapeze act and get his p*nis ripped off in the process.
14. @ss Spelunker can have a BF (b*tch-fit) worthy of Paris Hilton when he’s cold and hungry. Packing a waterproof canister of food can alleviate sudden outbursts.
15. Don’t expect a 15-person tubing flotilla to be grateful of your hauling efforts. They won’t bandage up your battered knees or cook you dinner, so abandon them when you’re within sight of the end.
16. Don’t pass out on the hood of a Volvo wearing only a string bikini. Who knows what the grandpa and his grandkids thought after returning from their fishing excursion…
17. Re-apply sunblock. Once is just never enough. Especially when you don’t properly monitor your turning intervals.
18. Don’t expect your significant other to take it easy after your departure. Nope – he’ll stay up later than he did the entire weekend playing Tippy Cup until he is too drunk to walk straight.
19. Always be the last to pack up. You won’t believe what kind of free sh*t you can manage to score!
20. After T.I.T.S., you’ll never accept eating camping slosh ever again.

Disaster!!

So we’ve had a scheduling snafu. Ft. Eustis H3 scheduled the Virginia Interhash for the same weekend as Chlorine’s heavily planned “Drink, Pillage, and Plunder” event. Now I feel kind of guilty about this because if I had paid more attention to the date or looped @ss into what we were up to maybe this could have all been averted. But no, I didn’t tell @ss and he didn’t tell Neandersmall who couldn’t adjust the date once we found out there was a conflict.

So now what?? Find another date that will work. Fortunately, we hadn’t signed the bus contract yet or put the deposit down for the park pavilion. We will adjust. Of course, some of the details will need to be adjusted, but we’ll iron those details out shortly. Hopefully, we will get our rego out in the next few weeks – I’m shooting for TITS (or at the latest Trif*ckta).

Virginia Beach Weekend: 15 Lessons Learned

1. If you insist on finishing a bottle of butterscotch liqueur, then expect to achieve a state of inebriation where you forget half of the evening’s activities and make-out with the closest available person.
2. 4-year old expired Magnums are as effective as non-expired condoms. They all still break after 30 minutes.
3. If you leave the back door unlocked with a note on the coffee table stating you’re not home, don’t be surprised if you receive a mystery response from an unknown (and uninvited) guest.
4. Dirty Dogg has no concept of time. When he states that he will be back on the beach in one hour, multiply his estimate by 3.
5. When you go to the beach, make sure to pack your swim suit in your travel bag – not leave it in your laundry basket in the back of your car (which is not at the beach).
6. If your friends are visiting a DC friend’s beach condo, don’t be surprised when they plan to sleep the entire weekend there. Keep an overnight bag in your car for such eventualities.
7. Salt water takes the itch out of poison ivy. Too bad it doesn’t take care of the oozing pus.
8. If you don’t place sunblock on your feet, don’t be surprised by the tan line your sandals leave on your feet.
9. Making your bed partner wait an extra 5 hours for their sex ration, may result in your partner's wet dreams becoming a bit more vivid than either of you expected (butt cheeks can simulate a v*gina anytime, didn't you know?).
10. Neighbors are good people to know. A select few may offer you Crown Royal, an instant $100 spot-loan, and time-shares for $160.
11. When you encounter 12-mile back-ups on the interstate, be adventurous. Take the scenic route. You may get to experience the thrill of the road less traveled (and the farm stenches that accompany it).
    
12. When enforced condom use for 3 months still results in cleaning spooge off your stomach, it's time to throw in the towel. Just rely on the b.c.
13. When you are expecting an out-of-town guest, don't expect them to wait on your doorstep while you're playing Tippy cup at a campout.
14. Innocent, dead sand crabs will scare the living bejesus out of a 29-year-old man when you toss them on his lap (He was scared of the water snake that entered his tent during Cheap Mexican too). P*ssy!!
15. Cats that have never seen dogs and dogs that have never seen cats will not necessarily tear each other to pieces. Especially when the cats are bigger than the dogs.
    

Bars: Mahi Mah’s, Rudee’s, Chicho’s, Ocean Eddie’s

Total Bar Count: 74

Total DC Bars: 37

Williamsburg Recovery

Bar: TGI Fridays

Total Bar Count: 62

Total DC Bars: 33

35 Lessons Learned from a Christmas Tree Burning Party

I usually learn quite a bit from my adventures. This weekend I learned more than usual (probably because my weekend was booked solid). I’ve also tried to organize my lessons in chronological order.

Friday

1. Be careful where applying Nair. You may singe more than your hair.
2. Don’t cook dinner for out-of-town guests without asking them if they are eating on the road beforehand.
3. Placing your head in someone’s lap may give passing cars the wrong idea.
4. If you break every condom used with your partner, it’s time to upgrade to a larger size condom.

Saturday

5. Don’t assume that having s*x will wake you up. Also don’t assume that the person suggesting s*x will participate.
6. Having s*x before a race may cause you to place 2^nd in your age group by only 30 seconds.
7. Virginia Beach races ALWAYS serve beer afterwards, no matter how many participants are registered.
8. Winning a race prize might result in you winning an ugly-@ss Christmas tree ornament.
9. Don’t assume your roommate ate your bananas for breakfast. They might have been doing you a favor.
10. If you wear a corset, expect a boob to pop out. Or designate a bystander as a boob fluffer.
11. Don’t bother wearing makeup when your nipples are hanging out. They’re really NOT looking at your face.
12. Braking and hitting the gas incessantly does not cause you to get anywhere any faster.
13. Don’t wait for a light sitting on railroad tracks. Your passengers may get upset with you. And you may be killed (either by your passengers or the oncoming train).
14. Being DFL is not always a good thing. You may miss out on the Tequila Rose at the beer check.
15. Having s*x on trail without applying Ivy Block could result in PI in uncomfortable places.
16. Some people ARE allowed upstairs at Neandersmall’s house. You just have to be “invited”.
17. If you become a human sundae, you will be required to take a shower from a garden hose.
18. Sitting on ice is not that painful if you have a ghetto booty.
19. Have patience when melting a frozen mug. It might shatter when thrown.
20. Christmas trees can burn to a crisp in 10 seconds flat.
21. Just because you are a good Tippy cup player doesn’t mean you will not get voted off the team or vice versa.
22. Don’t assume that you have a secret beer stash when you load a cooler right in front of the main deck. People will watch you – even if you are wearing a blond wig to disguise your identity.
23. Don’t stand too close to the fire pit when a new Christmas tree is placed on the fire. You may be singed.
24. Don’t assume a chick is wearing a bra just because her breasts are still perky.
25. If two people decide to sleep on a single-wide bed, one will be uncomfortable the entire night.
26. It’s impossible to sleep throughout the night with wood. Waking your partner up to take care of the situation may relieve the situation.

Sunday

27. Mayonnaise based dips are vomit-inducing the day after a party. Especially when suffering from a hang-over.
28. Morning wood is a recurring phenomenon when taking naps throughout the day.
29. If you leave personal possessions unattended, they tend to disappear (even if there are only 5 people left after the party).
30. Watch your beer around hashers’ pets. They may have learned that toppling the container may provide them with that blessed golden nectar from the gods.
31. There are people that are interested in seeing what a toxic v*gina looks like (and will take pics to boot!).
32. People will pay you to have a vasectomy if it guarantees that you will never procreate.
33. Strange sounds from your bed partner do not always indicate farting. Do a “sniff” test first.
34. Having s*x 7 times in a 36-hour period might wear you out. Extrapolate this to a 4-day weekend and the results will leave both parties frightened of surviving.
35. Leaving souvenirs for a cross-dresser guarantees the person will return for more souvenirs (cause why buy women’s clothes when they can be donated?).

Ocean View 10K

Chip Time: 1:04:18

Average Pace: 10:22/mile

It’s a decent time, but I’m still nowhere near breaking that 1-hour goal. I did beat my Marine Corps 10K time by almost 1 minute though, so at least I have improved in 6 months. Of course, it’s my own fault for my performance because I’ve slacked so much in my training recently. And going out partying and drinking until 2am and only getting 3 hours sleep didn’t help either.

I do have to thank @ss for meeting me at the 5-mile marker, though. He paced me for the last mile and distracted me from any potential negative self-thinking since I was talking to him throughout the last mile.

The good news is that I’m an extremely consistent runner. I finished my first half in 32:04 and my second half in 32:14. The bad news is that I’m slower today than I have been in previous training runs. I guess that means I need to train more (or drink less).

Downtown Norfolk

Chlorine and I finally arrive in Norfolk slightly before 9pm after 5 hours of navigating beach traffic. We’re quite energetic after singing along to 4 CDs of classic rock throughout the trip. Laa Laa and @ss are energetic for a different reason – they’ve been watching a DVD of girls wrestling in bikinis. Of course, Chlorine has to mention my Nair mishap at this time. Ummm….Chlorine, I didn’t exactly want them to know that…..

Ahh well….

So, we try to convince them to take us to a karaoke bar, but after talking to Dirty Dogg they decide to head to downtown Norfolk. Of course, they promise us that we are sure to find a place to do karaoke or dance in the downtown area.

First up is Hell’s Kitchen, which seems to be a misnomer. The name is quite interesting, but the bar doesn’t appear to be anything like its name since it has an all-brick interior and a wide bar area. I would imagine a place called Hell’s Kitchen to be dark and narrow. There’s a band playing too. They’re playing covers of most of the newer rock songs of the last few years, but I’m not exactly in the mood for new rock. I either want to sing or dance. Where to next?

@ss recommends that we visit the Waterside where there are several dance clubs. The Waterside area looks a lot like the Baltimore Inner Harbor. In fact, it is mostly reminiscent due to the glass mall-like structure with clear lights surrounding its entire perimeter. I think in Baltimore it’s called something like Harbor Mall or something along those lines. This place looks exactly the same except I don’t recall clubs in Baltimore’s Harbor Mall (cause they’re in a different district of the city).

The dance club is dead but we have a good time anyways (cause I don’t require other people to start partying!). I later find out that the “scene” hangs out there on Saturdays – not Fridays. Well! Who cares about them anyways?

Regardless, as much as I try to get my companions out of there at a reasonable hour (I DO have a race in the morning), we don’t end up leaving until 1:30am. Uggghhh! How am I ever going to wake up?

Bars: Hell’s Kitchen and It’s a Happy Day Cafe

Total Bar Count: 61

Total DC Bars: 33

OTH Hash-a-Thon

First disappointment of the day – the weather. We wake up and discover a ½-inch of snow on the ground. Great! We have to hash in this?? Yuck!

So what’s this hash-a-thon all about? It’s Over-the-Hump’s AGM that is celebrated every year by offering 4 shiggarrific trails in one day-long hashing extravaganza. Over-the-Hump is well known for the length and difficulty of their trails, so I don’t believe that I will be running all four.

In fact, I end up only running part of one and walking another. Yes, I’m a big baby today. But not as much as @ss. He runs one trail and sits in the beer van for the rest of the day. Apparently, it’s too cold and windy for him. Ha! According to Dirty Dogg, VA Beach is just as cold and has more snow on the ground. Quit your b*tching!

Trail 1 beer check:

Lose one glove

@ss tries pole vaulting

Trail 2 beer check:

Pee on trail with Screws on First

Shortcut across the gully to the beercheck

Chlorine poses on the lawnmower

I get accused as one of the 3 Girls peeing in tandem on trail – false accusation – they mistook Designer for me.

Shoes for $50 – One-Eyed Willy buys some crazy silvery-yellow sneakers

Make a bet to find out if Ogre is a “grower” or a “show-er”.

Trail 3 beer check:

Investigate goings-ons in one of the townhomes. @ss has been hibernating in the beer van this entire time and runs out to investigate. Nosy harpy!

@ss Ogre got the hash-sh*t for s*x on trail.

One-Eyed Willy in service to her country one serviceman at a time

“Where do I line up?”

TOM finds a bolt at the construction site and uses it to demonstrate Ogre’s “grower” state

Ogre takes a washer from said bolt to affix it to the hash sh*t he has just earned.

Trail 4 beer check:

Girl ran naked for last ¼ mile to win $20 bet.

The on-after is at Choo Choo’s spectacular house

Millions of types of chili

Name a 15-year old girl and these crazy hashers are asking the poor girl about her s*x preferences. Did any y’all stop to consider that maybe she might actually be a v*rgin???

I’m beat by this point and I haven’t even run. I’m wind-burned. Who knew that spending all day outside could wear you out so much?

I must admit, though, that this was the best $25 I’ve ever spent on a DC hashing event. Those OTHers provided us snacks, lunch, dinner, and give-aways in addition to the 4 awesome trails. Great value for the money! I’d do it again, but hopefully next year, the weather will cooperate.

Hash-a-Thon Pre-Party

You know that Hermie will find any excuse to throw a party, so he throws a pre-party for the OTH4 Hash-a-Thon. Apparently, spending the night in Woodbridge will guarantee our prompt arrival in Dumfries tomorrow. So I head down to Woodbridge after work on Friday to enjoy the company of my fellow partying hashers. And Hermie is slow-roasting a brisket too! Yummy!

I haven’t consumed Sparks in a long time, so I stop by the local 7-11 and pick a few up. I won’t say that I get trashed from the Sparks, but I am def only one step from full-blown drunkenness by the end of the night.

I recall that we played some bullsh*t and that we watched the beginning of “Monty Python’s Holy Grail”, but everything is a little blurry in my memory.

One thing I am certain of – I walk upstairs and then walk back downstairs. Apparently, I am not allowed to traverse Hermie’s house without being interrogated because Motormouth grabs the seat of my jeans and doesn’t let me go. It isn’t until I start unzipping my pants in order to get away that someone else comes to save me.

Which prompts Hermie to make the following sarcastic comment, “No, Late Nite never gets naked. She just walks around topless holding her boobs in her hands – just like she did at Texas Interhash last year.”

Of course, I’m not the only one that gets trashed this evening. Narccisister consumes a large portion of the Jim Beam bottle. And boy! Does she pay for it the next day! She spends 6 hours sleeping on the floor of the downstairs bathroom. Talk about praying to the porcelain god!

I have now earned a Ft. Eustis name (Thanks, Schwinn!!) – “Cookie Monster”. I now have 2 unofficial hash names. Let’s see how many more I earn this year – I am visiting TRASH and Anarchy in May….

Speaking of unofficial hash names - “No Parking in the Drive Thru” has now been bestowed by Hermie and Designer. It was bound to happen sooner or later….

However, getting smacked on my bare @ss was not what I expected TOM to greet me with in the morning. Apparently, Hermie and TOM believe that serving their guests breakfast in bed is not acceptable hashing behavior. Look! I didn’t ask for it – why don’t you spank the ACTUAL perpetrator next time?

Of course, @ss is in rare form as he takes every opportunity to defile a Tidewater hasher’s mug. Let me count the ways: Guinness and Shadow (the dogs) teabag the mug, Hermie teabags the mug, @ss teabags the mug, the Oreo cookies (used in the Oreo cookie factor) are inserted into the mug, Hermie f*cks the mug, @ss f*cks the mug, Ogre f*cks the mug, Hermie squats on the mug….haven’t y’all heard enough?? And pictures were taken of it all. And no, I will not be posting them.

Favorite Quote:

“And if any of us cared, we now know he’s a true red-head.”

Shamrock Marathon Quotes

“He broke his peter! You’d think he’d adjust his junk before running 26 miles so he wouldn’t get rug burn.”

“You were so angry last night that I locked my door. I thought you would come and rape me.”

“I don’t f*ck losers.”

“Then you should have locked your cooter and thrown away the key.”

“I was led around by my c*ck all evening.”

“It’s called man-scaping.”

“You’ve lost all v*gina rights. You’re now a man to me.”

“He stole all my underwear, so I either have to go commando or wear shorts.”

“I told you that he would steal your clothing.”

“You missed it! I saw the largest c*ck EVER last night! He was only 21years old. We took pics too.”

“I scored too. I found a non-hasher to hook up with.”

“What has he been eating that he’s farting so bad?”

“P*ssy.”

“If I’m not asleep in 10 minutes, I’m going to sleep in Laa Laa’s bed.”

“I swear he’s paid for me the entire weekend. He even made me breakfast.”

“Really? What have you been eating?”

“If she had told me before that if I didn’t qualify I wouldn’t get laid, I would have made it in on time. As it was, I conserved my energy so I could get laid.”

Bars: Big Sam’s & Knucklehead Roadhouse

Total Bar Count: 44

Total DC Bars: 21

Post-Marathon Partying

Since this is the ShamrockFEST marathon, there is a huge party after the race with free Yuengling and Irish stew for all the r*cists. So when I enter the pavilion, I certify that I am over 21 years of age and I get 4 drink tickets. That’s all I get???!!! 4 Yuenglings? Well, thanks to the generosity of departing r*cists and the good fortune of the Tidewater hashers to position ourselves next to the exit, we manage to score dozens of drink tickets. Yay!!! Unlimited free beer until 4pm!

….and did y’all know that Yuengling makes a light beer? They’re serving it, but I don’t try it – just give me the regular brew, thank you!

And let me tell you! The band is excellent! They’re a cover band and I never do figure out who they are, but am I dancing up a storm. And yes, I know, I just ran a half-marathon – how could I possibly have enough energy to dance for 4 hours? It’s the 3 cups of coffee I had following the race – that’s why!

Oh! And yet again, I earn $2 for providing “live entertainment” from a random dude partying in the pavilion. You know if I’ve got such mad skills at dancing, I def need to consider another line of work…

Finally, though, we are forced to leave the pavilion as the beer has run out. How unfortunate! On to the next bar!

As soon as I enter Catch 31, I spy Pushy B*tch and Uck You which have been fabulously fun folks in the pavilion. They’re ordering oysters and offer me some. No thanks! I like them cooked not raw. But they insist! Try them! Okay, I’ll taste one. And I swallow it down. And then they give me another. And then finally they give me a big whopper of an oyster. Enough already! They’re not horrible, but they have no taste. Uck You does admit that they’re better with Tabasco. Ahhhh….

So what do they do next? They order us oyster shooters. I got no problem with that! It’s pretty good too – nice and spicy! Now, @ss drinks an oyster shooter too. I don’t think anything about it, but apparently a miracle has just occurred cause his friends tell me that he doesn’t eat fish.

…and you know what they say about girls eating oysters? I can confirm that oysters def increase the libido. Not that it did me any good, though.

Bar: Catch 31

Total Bar Count: 42

Total DC Bars: 21

St. Patrick's Day

I’d love to say that I have a wild time partying cause it’s St. Patrick’s Day, but unfortunately, I have the half-marathon to run tomorrow so my alcohol consumption has to be limited.

So what are the notable events of the day? I attend the Ocean View parade and the Tidewater Green Dress Run.

At the parade, it’s a never-ending presentation of the Khedive Shriners. I don’t know what this organization is (I’m assuming some kind of Masonic-type order), but they have got a HUGE presence in Norfolk. My favorite parts are when the go-karts come by that have been re-furbished as Nascar racing cars and truck rigs. Oh, and I can’t fail to mention that Quarter Pound Her found another horn to blow. D*mn fool! Blocks my view and disrupts my peace and quiet. Of course, he’s drunk too. Dude! This is a family affair – behave yourself around the children!

At the green dress run, I wear shorts cause that’s about the only green clothing I own. It’s quite blustery out, though, so I def have to keep moving in order to stay warm. I only survive one beer check before insisting on returning to the bar. Fortunately, most of the other hashers have the same idea too.

Hash-sh*t nomination:

I haven’t been nominated for the hash-sh*t in a long time (mostly because I don’t regularly attend hashes with a hash-sh*t). Well, today is my lucky day! Schwinn nominates me for the hash sh*t cause I haven’t adhered to the slogan on my shirt, “I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.” Apparently, the hash thinks I’ve been too nice to not-so-smart people. I believe that’s my decision to make – isn’t it? I’ve also got a partner in arms. Free Willy joins me for some sort of escapade involving a blind man with a removable eye. Hmmm….that sounds like an interesting situation….

Unfortunately, I missed all the good dirt that happened at the after-party cause I had to go to bed early for the race. But from what I’ve been told, it was a wild time….

Resolution:

Don’t run a r*ce the day AFTER St. Patrick’s Day (or any other binge-drinking holiday) EVER again.

Bar: Tropicana

Total Bar Count: 41

Total DC Bars: 21

Charlottesville: Quotes

“Quit sucking on his c*ck and try and f*ck me”

“I’m doing a survey. How many of you girls have a sore cooter this morning?”

"He can't talk right now, he's licking my @ss"
“He’s wanted to lick your pooper clean for months”

“They never once stopped. She even asked me for a beer.”

“I accidentally slept with him. He walked in and I was naked. What was I supposed to do?”

“Whore.”

“Look who’s talking. What are you gonna do about it?”

“F*ck more?”

“As long as I’m first”

"Taking up the butt is like taking a poop but backwards"

“I had to leave cause of the Cirque du Sex-o-Lay. It was really scary. You both are athletes and extremely limber. When the moonlight hit your pale bodies, I was frightened.”

“He has a HUGE, black c*ck”

"Well, he's a BIG, black man. What did you expect?"

“Where’s the lube?”

"Can I still be the sluttiest, non-hook up hasher?"

“3 times and you’re gay.”

“I smell like @ss”

“You have a naked chick in bed with you and $2000 in sex toys in the room and you STILL can’t get it up??”

“How did you guys get in here?”

“You left the key in the door!”

Charlottesville: Golf Hash

Due to my rapidly deteriorating memory (am I an alcoholic now?), I cannot recall many details from this hash. In fact, I remember many more details from the beginning of the event than from the end. Go figure!

Today, I’m wearing bunny ears and spandex pants with the remote control panties over them. I kind of resemble a playboy bunny. I did take that bet, if you recall. However, Hermie doesn’t want responsibility for the remote and @ss Spelunker doesn’t know what it’s for, so La La gets possession of it.

Many people are carrying golf sticks and quite a few people are dressed as golfers. Gang Bang is wearing a spectacular neon orange wig which has probably been recycled from many other events since it has twigs and branches lodged in it. And I must admit that @ss Spelunker is quite fetching as a tennis player. Of course, I don’t realize that he’s wearing girl’s clothing until MUCH, MUCH later. I told you that alcohol was interfering with my synapses!

Watering Hole #1: St. Maarten

One of the give-aways is a golf beer pong ball. Ball check, anyone? Nope, not for beer pong. We are instructed that if we drop our golf pong ball in an open beverage container, the owner of said vessel must consume its ENTIRE contents.

It’s quite fun trying to play 3-man in the bar while watching for an opportunity to drop golf pong balls in vessels. I score on La La twice and Gang Bang once. However, La La gets me back good. He pours me a new serving of beer and before handing it back to me drops his golf pong ball in it. That’s no fair! After I consume my cup, he refills my beer and does it again! Okay, now I’m just being stupid.

Interestingly enough, the shape of these drinking glasses is not conducive to holding a golf pong ball. After I consume my second beer, my golf pong ball is stuck in the bottom. I turn the glass upside down, and it still doesn’t come out. Fortunately, I am an extremely creative person! Rather than bang the glass on the table and break it, I ask for a refill! Ha! The golf pong ball floats to the top of the glass. Problem solved!

Remember all those rules this bar imposes on us? The waitress tells us we MUST consume from the barware, not our plastic mugs. Now I didn’t bring my own drinking vessel, so I NEED to drink from the bar’s glassware. However, 30 seconds after mandating this rule, I knock one of the new glasses off the table and it shatters. Yet another reason why hashers should drink from plastic mugs…

Watering Hole #2: Apple pie shots

On the trail to the 2^nd watering hole, I explain (and demonstrate!) fartlekking to Designer and Schwinn. Aren’t y’all impressed that I run (a bit) on this trail? And up a hill to boot!

We end up at a house where we stand in the backyard and have shots passed down to us from the 2^nd floor deck. I believe I consume at least 8 apple pie shots.

Watering Hole #3: Jello shots

Just as we’re leaving the apple pie shots, I let @ss wear the vibrating panties for the next portion of trail. He must be unaccustomed to that sensation cause he starts laughing and grabbing his crotch whenever he’s buzzed. Did you like it, at least?

I lose most of the pack when I take a pee break. Schwinn is my lookout for any campus police. He is such a gentleman!

Next, Schwinn and I hear rumors of a co-ed pee break at a local gas station and walk in to investigate. Yep, there’s co-ed pissing going on. D*mn! I thought I was gonna catch some sex on trail!

Somehow, I lose Schwinn and some of the other stragglers when I take the turn into the parking garage and encounter the next watering hole. Apparently, they’re so lost that they never make it and ask for directions to the next stop.

I think I consume at least 6 jello shots here. As a result, I def need @ss Spelunker’s assistance getting down the hill. I’m barely capable of walking straight – let alone climbing down this steep hill.

Watering Hole #4: Margaritas (and Jager)

Although I am not in need of a beverage, just a seat, I accept an offer of a HUGE Solo cup full of Margaritas. That’s a cold beverage for the weather we’re having. Ahhh, well, who am I to turn down a drink?

In addition, I keep receiving Solo cups with shots of Jager. I think I drink 2 cups worth. Apparently, the Jager isn’t supposed to be part of the watering hole beverages. However, La La spots the bottle and pays Tail from the Crypt $60 to consume it. Thanks, La La, but I’m not sure I really need those shots of Jager.

Watering Hole #5: Natty Light and beer pong

I’m wearing the remote controlled panties again cause @ss couldn’t take it anymore. However, I have no idea who has the remote now. Throughout the entire trail, the remote has been passing from hasher to hasher and I haven’t been able to keep track although I keep getting buzzed.

At In God We Thrust’s place, I start dancing to the music, but I’m incapable of continuing when I keep getting buzzed. When I finally track down the remote (due to NSSB’s assistance), I discover that the Marines have had the remote.

During my search and destroy operation, though, Hermie and @ss instigate a game of strippy cup downstairs. I’m SOOOO surprised that those two would be the first to strip out of their clothes.

Watering Hole #6: House w/beer?

Somehow I’m part of the group that is the last to leave Thrust’s house and we manage to get lost on the way to watering hole #6. I call Gang Bang to find out where we’re at, but since I’m totally plastered, she hands her phone to La La to deal with me. I don’t understand anything he tells me, but fortunately other more coherent hashers find the turn-off that we missed earlier.

And I think I stated this last night, but let me state it again! Clean Clam is such a prankster! As we are trying to find our way to the next watering hole, Clean Clam steals lawn ornaments (aka gnomes and frogs) from one yard and then deposits them in another. And she keeps repeating this! Don’t you love hashers?

I tell @ss, “I think I need to puke.”

He replies, “I’ll hold your hair!”

You know, I don’t think I’ve encountered anyone as happy to hold a girl’s hair while she’s puking since TNT and Gimmee a D*ck. What does that say about @ss?

Watering Hole #7: House w/beer?

I don’t remember anything from this watering hole. Well, I do remember that @ss buys some Sparks along the way. If I wasn’t so drunk right now, I would def want one myself. I LOVE Sparks!

Watering Hole #8: Spiked Hot Chocolate

We enter a parking garage that helps protect us from the rapidly dropping temperatures. NSSB finds my remote and places the vibrator in his kilt pocket. He starts hugging the girls and we all get a thrill from him. I believe I kiss someone at this stop (a girl?).

Watering Hole #9: Baja

I take a pee break next to a UVA campus building. I have no lookout this time, but encounter Pink Panther when I’m done. He tells me that my daddy must be a good-looking man. He is! How could you tell?? : )

At Baja, Chlorine sets a log next to my plate while I’m eating. Apparently she’s trying to get some wood.

@ss changes from his tennis outfit into leather pants. Although I like his tennis outfit better, the leather pants are def warmer.

We play 3-man again, but I’m still playing poorly. This is not a 3-man weekend for me.

I puke in the bathroom. I’m informed later that Chlorine had to stick her finger down my throat to assist me. She’s a good friend. I wanna know how she found me in the bathroom. I’m not good at locking doors behind myself, am I?

Bars: St. Maarten, Baja

Total Bar Count: 36

Total DC Bars: 17

St. Maarten does not count since I have visited it previously.

Charlottesville: Morning Discoveries

Surprisingly enough, I’m the early bird this morning when I wake Designer up at 10am to retrieve my clothes and room key. We gotta get moving! I need batteries for my sex toys and I want food! So 5 of us pile into my SUV, while NSSB will meet us at the diner in his car.

Uh oh! Change of plans! NSSB can’t find his car. Apparently, he parked it illegally and at 8am towing is enforced. I turn around to go back and pick him up. NSSB, you’re getting in the trunk! At breakfast, NSSB calls all 3 Charlottesville towing companies and calls the police to try to track down his rental car. No luck! Where could it be? As it turns out, his car is parked around the corner. He claims he didn’t move the car himself, but if he didn’t, who did? And how?

Other surprises in store for us – Chlorine and I cannot get back into our room. Our keys have been de-activated. Uh oh! Have we been kicked out? Fortunately, the cleaning lady lets us back into our room. Chlorine and I debate going to the front desk to find out what is going on, but neither of us is looking forward to a lecture. Eventually, as circle is beginning, Chlorine asks the front desk about her room key (the room is registered under her name). Just as we suspected, she is called into the manager’s office and lectured. Now mind you, Chlorine is dressed for the hash wearing a dog collar and bunny ears while she is listening to the manager discuss the complaints that were received about us. Complaining? About us? Never! Apparently, we were noisy last night. Ummm….no we weren’t – that would be Designer’s room. We were naked though.

Chlorine is bold, though. She tells him, “Our room won’t be noisy tonight, but your ENTIRE hotel will be.”

Way to be civil, Chlorine.

Charlottesville: Playing in Designer’s room

Not surprisingly, we close the bar down. Of course, we are not done partying, so we return to Designer’s room. I learn the hard way that my room is temporarily off-limits. However, that doesn’t stop Hermie from pulling the covers off Chlorine and stealing the bed spread from our room. Hermie, you are incorrigible!

Chlorine isn’t gonna let Hermie get away with that, though! She follows us butt-@ss naked across the hall to retrieve her bed spread. Chickie, you do remember that we’re not in a reserved block of rooms, right?

I also forgot to mention earlier – Hermie has rules that TOM set out for him in order to attend the Charlottesville golf hash:

1. Hermie cannot be naked in public (aka bars)
2. Hermie cannot be arrested
3. Hermie cannot consume Jack before 9pm

Well, just because he can’t be naked in bars, doesn’t mean he can’t be naked in his own hotel room. He gives us a preview of his costume for tomorrow’s hash. He is dressing as a bald Britney Spears. And in true Hermie (or Britney) fashion, he will not be wearing any underwear!

At some point during the evening, Hermie bets me that if I wear my vibrating panties all day on the golf hash, he will buy a pair from me. You’re on! My clit will be numb by the end of tomorrow, but I can’t turn down this challenge!

So what else can we do to entertain ourselves? Let’s watch a porn! Not So Silent Bob selects “All You Can Eat Gang Bang”. Where is Gang Bang? She’s gotta see this! It’s 8 women and 2 men getting it on. BTW, we learn later that the porn costs $14.00. For that price, we should’ve bought it! It did entertain us endlessly, though.

Hermie F*cks a Blow-Up Sheep!

Now don’t ask me where Hermie got this idea, but he brought his mutilated blow-up sheep this weekend. And if y’all weren’t aware, it has an opening in its @ss big enough for a shot glass. Hermie decides it’s time for his sheep to lose its virginity. He borrows some of Designer’s lube, squirts it all over himself, and starts penetrating the sheep’s backdoor. Metro actually calls TOM to inform her that Hermie is violating their “no penetration of orifices” rule. TOM informs her that the blow-up sheep doesn’t count. But the funniest part of all of this, is that Hermie can only get his wang in about an inch. OMG!! Seeing Hermie walk around the room with a blow-up sheep hanging off the end of his wang is TOO funny! We even have pictures, but they’re too X-rated to post. BTW, Chlorine and I tattooed an on-on sticker onto the sheep’s haunch earlier in the evening (it’s a hasher for sure!).

Of course, I’m totally trashed at this point and laying on one of Designer’s beds. Not So Silent Bob climbs on top of me (which I don’t protest for some reason) and starts digging through my pockets for my room key. It isn’t until 5 minutes later that I realize my room key is gone – I never said I was an intelligent drunk. The purpose for stealing my room key? To disturb Chlorine while she’s occupied in our room. I swear! Can’t y’all leave well enough alone?

As I’m feeling sleepy, I pull off my shirt and pants and climb into one of the beds (yes, as usual, I’m getting semi-naked in public). Unfortunately, NSSB isn’t done with his pranks and immediately steals my pants. Of course, I want my pants back, so I chase him out of the room to get them back. Big mistake! NSSB runs back into Designer’s room and slams the door on me. Now I am locked out of my room AND Designer’s room wearing only my bra and a g-string. I bang on my door to get Chlorine to let me in. At first, she teases me by shutting the door back in my face. How wrong! Eventually, though, I get into my room and get ready for bed.

15 minutes later as I’m washing up, I hear a knock on our door. F*ck! It’s the hotel night clerk lady. After taking quite a while to find some clothes to put on (yes, I’m still walking around in my bra and g-string), I open the door.

She tells me, “I have received complaints about you walking naked in the hallway. If you do not stop, I will call the cops and have you evicted.”

Sh*t!! I believe this is the first time in my life that I have ever been threatened with being arrested. Maybe TOM should have made her rules apply to me and Chlorine too cause we’ve both already violated rule #1 and because of that we are precariously close to violating rule #2. BTW, Hermie did not violate any of HIS rules (well, maybe rule #3 by 10 minutes – but who’s counting?).

Charlottesville: Friday Night Pub Crawl

Can hashers ever have too many pub crawls? Not only do we have the golf hash tomorrow (9 watering holes), but we have a pub crawl tonight. Yay! I love a non-stop party weekend!

My accessories du jour? A lollipop that says “Eat me!”, 3 mini-vibrators, and a blinking pacifier. Chlorine and Designer also have lollipops and blinking pacifiers.

Bar #1: Mellow Mushroom

Technicality – This place is more of an eating establishment than a bar, but I learn that all Virginia bars must derive a percentage of their income from serving food. Is that true? I’ve never noticed that in Arlington or Alexandria….but of course, I usually want food at most bars I frequent.

Look who’s arrived! Not So Silent Bob! Yay!! And he brought his strap-on! Can’t wait! And Schwinn and Gang Bang have arrived too. Schwinn, darling, I know I’m breaking our streak by sharing a room with Chlorine, but she’s SOOOOO much fun!

I pass out my vibrators to Hermie and Not So Silent Bob, and keep one for myself. I also institute the vibrator check. However, it backfires on me as every time I shout “vibrator check”, NSSB and Hermie buzz me with my own vibrators.

Bar #2: South Street Brewery

Have any of y’all encountered a mark on trail “DB”? I’m mystified when I first encounter one on trail. I ask the Charlottesville hashers what it stands for. Dance Break. Really??!! What a cool mark!! I love this one. Dance! Dance! Dance! I have gotta take this back to DC! (At least for the SH*T or Full Moon hashes, cause EWH3 is too d*mn serious about its marks – we seriously need to have some more fun encountering marks on trail and that doesn’t include laughing at the pack for getting lost).

And Gang Bang and I are true over-achievers! We are the FRBs to South Street Brewery – we even run! We have way too much energy for our own good….

Bar #3: Wild Wing

….which is why going to Wild Wing is such a good idea! Dancing!! There’s a stage where Gang Bang and I just go buck-wild. Of course, that’s cause Gang Bang requested that the DJ break out the old-school hip-hop. You know, the 90s was a fabulous decade!!

Funny enough, though, when I’m off the stage mingling with the non-dancing hashers, a random chick comes up to me and warns me, “You need to be careful around these men.”

Ha! I need to be worried about these college kids?? Or the hashers I’m with?? Funny!

1. I’m older than all the guys in this joint by 5 years. And I’m a skeptic. I’d like to see them try.
2. Most importantly, hasher men are VERY protective of the harrierettes. I doubt anyone is going to slip me roofies with them around. And even if they do, the hasher dudes will make sure I get back to my hotel room intact.

Fortunately, shortly after that I hear the call for on-out, so I’m not going to stick around to find out why I need to keep my guard up.

Bar #4: St. Maarten’s

We’ve got some shiggy. Railroad tracks! I personally love trails that incorporate railroad tracks. Usually my running stride is perfect to hit all the ties at the right juncture, but since I’m walking, it happens to be a bit awkward. Shortly after leaving Wild Wing, I encounter Chlorine stumbling along by herself. She is very drunk and walking MUCH slower than me. I pass her and catch up with Designer and Hermie just in time for a Dance Break. Yippee! They’re SOOOO much fun!

Finally, we’re at the bar! And as all proper hashers are wont to do, someone breaks out the dice. 3-man! Let me tell you that I am thoroughly trashed at this point and am incapable of even playing 3-man. Although I do make a valiant attempt, but am distracted within 10 minutes. I’m so ADD!

Where is Chlorine? I passed her on the railroad tracks. Hasn’t she made it to the bar yet? I ask Thrust if he’s seen her. I ask Schwinn if he passed her cause he left Wild Wing after me. She’s nowhere to be found. I’m worried.

I drag Hermie out of the bar to see if she might be passed out in our room. He is pretty reluctant to leave, but I’m stubborn. We have to check on her! I discover her coat in the hotel room, but no Chlorine. Well, she made it back at least, but where’d she go? Ugggghhh….it’s not my responsibility to keep track of that girl!

Another girl I have to mention – Clean Clam. Don’t trust her! She asks me if she can bite my lollipop and she breaks it into 4 pieces! I was enjoying that! : (

Of course, it’s my own d*mn fault, she did tell me she was going to BITE it. Then she borrows one of my pink mini-vibrators. Chicken Run has to practically wrestle her to get it back. Girl, if you want to play with the mini-vibrators for personal use, you kinda need to BUY it!!

Of course, she’s all lovey-dovey when she climbs on top of me and sits on the table straddling me. Schwinn tells me that I’m having a lesbian moment. Ummm….Schwinn….I seem to hear that theme from you over and over again. Am I to believe that’s your wishful thinking?

Regardless, Hermie is across the table from Clean Clam and I, and can’t let Clam’s marvelous @ss pass him by. So what’s Hermie do? He sticks both of his hands down her pants and then smells his hands!

He exclaims “Does she powder her @ss? Cause my hands smell good!”

! I know her name is CLEAN Clam, but who goes around stuffing their hands down a girl’s @ss and then smells their hands? Girl, I hope you didn’t feel violated by that – Hermie is a little hard to control sometimes…

Now one comment about this bar: I don’t know if they are an official “hash” bar, but for a bar that is getting a considerable amount of the hash’s money this weekend, they are some uptight mo-fo’s. No sitting on the tables. Only drink from the bar’s glassware. No you can’t do that. No you can’t do this. Don’t give hashers rules, we are only going to break them (or at least the glassware!).

Bars: Mellow Mushroom, South Street Brewery, Wild Wing, St. Maarten

Total Bar Count: 35

Total DC Bars: 17