Lessons Learned: Whisky Tasting

1. Guilt is a powerful weapon when trying to coerce someone into doing something they are reluctant to do. Like painting houses.
2. If you are going to attend a whisky tasting party after spending the day painting an apartment building, make sure to take a nap between events.
3. @ss Spelunker owns a suit. In fact, he owns a blue pinstripe suit with a REAL silk shirt. I kid you not!
4. When you ask your significant other to look up an address, actually wait 1 minute before giving them the what-to-for. Otherwise, you will never know if he was just blowing you off or really was going to do the task in 1 minute.
5. Even if you try to dress conservatively, Christmas cleavage (whether a smidge or overflowing) provides holiday cheer.
6. There are many types of whisky: Scotch (single-malt or blended), Canadian, Irish, Bourbon, Rye, Corn (otherwise known as moonshine) – try not to sample them all in one evening.
7. When drinking whisky, nurse your drinks carefully and don’t pour more than a shot at a time. You may be able to continue tasting after 2 hours that way.
8. Although Military Special may not be of a caliber for a whisky tasting, it’s a great mixing whisky for those that can’t tolerate straight whisky and don’t want to be caught mixing the Chivas Regal with coke.
9. Whisky slush contains orange juice, lemonade, tea, and most importantly, whisky. This amalgamation is a delicious reminder of a whisky sour – and just as potent.
10. Real eggnog contains raw eggs and can give you food poisoning if not stored correctly. Instead, buy the eggnog that comes pre-mixed with rum – it contains no dairy or eggs, so poses no danger when left on a table full of mixers all night long.
11. You know you are drunk when the hostess points out that she forgot to put the mistletoe decorations up after you are caught making out with your significant other.
12. You know your significant other thinks you are drunk when he tells other guests in your presence that he plans on getting you drunk enough that he can do you up the butt.
13. A Santa hat that is longer than your dress, begs the question – is the hat too long? Or the dress too short?
14. Bring a box of macaroni and cheese to a party. When you get the food munchies past midnight, you can always make a tasty snack – even if you make it only with water.
15. You realize you passed out WAAAAY early when you wake up the next morning and there are other guests crashing who never saw you the previous night.

S.H.*.T. Hash #284

Due to some random decision on my part, I decide to attend the SH*T hash today (probably because it’s in Mclean). I don’t know what inspires me to brave this extremely cold (29º) and blustery day.

CO Kimchi Visitor
However, whatever my reason, I run into Nascock on his 2nd day in DC. Whattya know? A Colorado Kimchi hasher actually made it to the East Coast???!!! He’s surprised to see me too because for some strange reason, he thought I lived in Austin. Of course, I introduce Nascock to other SH*T hashers as the guy who took care of my “taco needs” while I was in Colorado Springs. And of course, he gets a few pictures of me with my CO Kimchi mug to post to the website.

I run just to keep warm, but that doesn’t mean that I run much or run fast. I’m having some difficulty with the shiggy because my headlamp isn’t very bright. Fortunately, just as I begin to realize that I’ve lost the trail, Lactose Tolerant joins up with me and helps me find my way back on trail. However, by this point, I am so far behind the pack that my little detour causes me to miss out on the first beer check. Boo!

Lesson Learned: While attempting a stream crossing, don’t set your feet down on leaves – there might not be a rock under those leaves.

Violations
Not surprisingly (it is a very small crowd), I am nominated for several rounds of violations:

First, I’m accused of running on the walker’s trail. However, I simply missed out on the runner’s dead end that ended in a back check that returned the runners to the walkers’ true trail arrow. So technically, I never left the runner’s trail.

Then, since the hare, Fire in the Cornhole, instructs the slower runners to head out of the beer check ASAP, Chlorine and I end up being the First B*tches In (FBI). I guess that’s to be expected when there are only 3 females are running on trail today.

Next, I get violated for failing to have high beams on trail. I really can’t help it if my headlamp batteries are dying. But don’t boo me for failing to flash my tits! Do you realize how cold it is out here?

Finally, I get nominated for hash sh*t because I’m wearing my houndstooth coat, which apparently causes people to think that they are looking at one of those 3-D puzzles. I have worn this coat so many times – I’m just NOW getting this violation??!!

Bar: The Mclean Pub

Lessons Learned: TRASH Prom from Hell

1. Don’t expect a road trip with 9 people to be short. There will be potty breaks, snack breaks, and dance breaks to extend the 5 hour trip into a never-ending van ride.
2. Never open the door of a moving vehicle. You never know who might end up as a chalk outline in the hotel parking lot.
3. Witnessing a hasher go down for the count will cause you to immediately reevaluate your religious beliefs. Also, it’s a serious buzzkill.
4. If you can’t recognize your significant other in a dark U-Haul until he laughs at your question, “What’s your hash name?”, you are either intoxicated or in need of glasses.
5. Ixnay on the vajayjay (independent noun clause, origin: Pig Latin): gynecological instructions following a routine pelvic exam that affect you and your partner for 10 days. Synonyms: frustration, aggravation, annoyance Antonym: satisfaction
6. Avoid drinking 151. It WILL cause you to puke. It’s only a matter of time.
7. If you cannot remember anything about the previous evening other than a bit of karaoke and standing in a U-Haul, it was a good pub crawl with plenty of alcohol.
8. Kool-aid can cure a hangover. I have never truly appreciated the wonders of fruit-flavored sugar water.
9. Don’t be surprised when the TRASH lays 2 back-to-back trails in a single afternoon because the first trail does not incorporate an acceptable level of shiggy.
10. Inquire about water hazards before setting out on trail. That way a search party doesn’t need to go out when you’re an hour late to circle because you decided to backtrack the entire trail.
11. Even after witnessing multiple TRASH bibbings in the past year, you still gag at the sight of bib mix being poured on the bib-ees.
12. Always have a back-up transportation plan after a TRASH bibbing. Do you want to be in a U-Haul with that bib stench permeating the vehicle?
13. Buck-a-fuffalo dressed as a leprechaun looks an awful lot like Rusty Prick.
14. Dolly Style makes a very good impression of Gene Simmons when wearing face paint. I really had no idea that he was metallically lisping “Stand By Your Man” until it was announced half-way through his song performance.
15. It has come to my attention that I must implement a new rule in the ongoing care of @ss Spelunker: Tippy cup is only permitted during ½ hour blocks following an acceptable period on the bench. As unfortunate as this sounds, this prevention measure is necessary to avoid carrying 150 lbs of dead weight.
16. A short lunch at Ruby Tuesdays can turn into a 3-hour pit stop if your waitress loses your order.
17. The road trip back home with 9 people in a supposedly 15-person van is hellish. If you aren’t combating space, comfort ability, or hangover issues then you have the other passengers’ day-after-drunkfest gastral juices and odors to contend with.

Bars: I really have no idea what bars I went to on the pub crawl, but Prom was held at Drifter’s Saloon.