Lessons Learned: TRASH Prom from Hell

1. Don’t expect a road trip with 9 people to be short. There will be potty breaks, snack breaks, and dance breaks to extend the 5 hour trip into a never-ending van ride.
2. Never open the door of a moving vehicle. You never know who might end up as a chalk outline in the hotel parking lot.
3. Witnessing a hasher go down for the count will cause you to immediately reevaluate your religious beliefs. Also, it’s a serious buzzkill.
4. If you can’t recognize your significant other in a dark U-Haul until he laughs at your question, “What’s your hash name?”, you are either intoxicated or in need of glasses.
5. Ixnay on the vajayjay (independent noun clause, origin: Pig Latin): gynecological instructions following a routine pelvic exam that affect you and your partner for 10 days. Synonyms: frustration, aggravation, annoyance Antonym: satisfaction
6. Avoid drinking 151. It WILL cause you to puke. It’s only a matter of time.
7. If you cannot remember anything about the previous evening other than a bit of karaoke and standing in a U-Haul, it was a good pub crawl with plenty of alcohol.
8. Kool-aid can cure a hangover. I have never truly appreciated the wonders of fruit-flavored sugar water.
9. Don’t be surprised when the TRASH lays 2 back-to-back trails in a single afternoon because the first trail does not incorporate an acceptable level of shiggy.
10. Inquire about water hazards before setting out on trail. That way a search party doesn’t need to go out when you’re an hour late to circle because you decided to backtrack the entire trail.
11. Even after witnessing multiple TRASH bibbings in the past year, you still gag at the sight of bib mix being poured on the bib-ees.
12. Always have a back-up transportation plan after a TRASH bibbing. Do you want to be in a U-Haul with that bib stench permeating the vehicle?
13. Buck-a-fuffalo dressed as a leprechaun looks an awful lot like Rusty Prick.
14. Dolly Style makes a very good impression of Gene Simmons when wearing face paint. I really had no idea that he was metallically lisping “Stand By Your Man” until it was announced half-way through his song performance.
15. It has come to my attention that I must implement a new rule in the ongoing care of @ss Spelunker: Tippy cup is only permitted during ½ hour blocks following an acceptable period on the bench. As unfortunate as this sounds, this prevention measure is necessary to avoid carrying 150 lbs of dead weight.
16. A short lunch at Ruby Tuesdays can turn into a 3-hour pit stop if your waitress loses your order.
17. The road trip back home with 9 people in a supposedly 15-person van is hellish. If you aren’t combating space, comfort ability, or hangover issues then you have the other passengers’ day-after-drunkfest gastral juices and odors to contend with.

Bars: I really have no idea what bars I went to on the pub crawl, but Prom was held at Drifter’s Saloon.