A Night at the Opera

I’ve never been inside the Kennedy Center. Yes, you can add that to my list of millions of things I’ve never accomplished as a DC resident (until today!). Fire in the Hole is a member of one of the local choral societies and will be singing Carmina Burana this evening. I love “O Fortuna” from Carmina Burana! So when Fire in the Hole offered Digby’s Beer Palace (the DC hashing listserv) tickets for 15% off the list price, I signed up.

Now the interesting thing about this performance is that it is primarily a ballet – but set to the music of an opera. So what am I to call what I am observing? I’m watching the ballet, but what drew me was the opera music. Is it an operatic ballet?

Regardless, the ballet is fantastic. The set design, the costumes and the dancing are fabulous. The music is dead on and the solo performances are entrancing. My only complaint is that since my seat is on the far right side, I am unable to view any performances in the right wing of the stage. Ah well, I only paid $27 for the seat – what can I expect?

Trivia of the evening:

Some of the lyrics from Carmina Burana were found in a German monastery and when Carl Orff wrote the composition, he believed the lyrics were spiritual in nature. However, the lyrics are ACTUALLY drinking songs written in old German. Go figure! I’m drawn to all things related to drinking. Makes me wonder what the lyrics are saying, though.

Bar: Circle Bistro

Total Bar Count: 52

Total DC Bars: 29

411th EWH3 Hash

Tonight's hares are Eat Street Meat, SofaKing Gay, Jane Goodball, and @ss Master 2000. They have planned a slightly long trail for us tonight. We run by the Kennedy Center, across Memorial Bridge, around Roosevelt Island, and across the Key Bridge before ending up at the beer check.






Whew! I wasn’t expecting this 3 days before the Cherry Blossom 10-miler. I think I’m gonna walk the 2^nd half – especially since the first major obstacle on the 2^nd half is running up the Exorcist stairs (you know, I haven’t yet been up those stairs – I somehow manage to avoid all the trails that incorporate them).

While at the beer check, I encounter some fellas who are CLEARLY not hashers. First, cause they're drinking wine. Second, cause they are not dressed for hashing with their khakis and sweaters. Talk about some rich kids! Apparently, they live/hang out in the Potomac Boat House. Let's just say not anyone can walk into that establishment....

In other news, though, Peace o’ Chum picks up some trail treasure (two dudes). Girl! I appreciate your efforts to recruit, but two things:

1. EWH3 doesn't really have a problem recruiting "justs"
2. Bloody @sshole really is a stickler about bringing guys into the hash - if you want a bukake, go for it - but believe me, having beer gel hair afterwards is not appealing
   

On the second half, we are calmly leaving Georgetown and encounter the runner's pack. Amidst all the confusion, we somehow or another lose the walker’s hare – how can we manage to do that? We’re supposed to be following her for crap’s sake! Fortunately, Red River knows someone who knows where the end is and calls them on his cell phone. End location secured, we continue on without our hare. I'm still mystified as to how she disappeared, though.

And can I tell you? Little Red is so sweet! She brought me presents from Hawaii for taking care of her cat for 2 weeks. Aw shucks, girl! It was nothing! (although her cat did keep me up a few nights - especially when he attacked my leg!)

Since we have a huge crowd tonight (144 wankers), the circle is a bit hard to control. Add in the fact that we set up circle in the path of exiting parking garage customers and you’ll understand why circle didn’t end until 10:15 tonight.

And again Snowball tells me that I can’t dance. Apparently, he thinks I am off-rhythm. You know, that is usually not something that I am accused of….

Bars: Froggy Bottom Pub, Porter’s, and Recessions

Total Bar Count: 51

Total DC Bars: 28

Bar Hopping

I’ve got spring fever. I ditch work early to meet up with Drip Dry at the Mad Hatter. Apparently, Runway Snatch is bringing an out-of-town guest to the bar.

BTW, can I tell you how cheap my bill is? For 2 hours, I drank 6 Coronas (1 purchased by the nice gentlemen on the other side of the bar) and my total came to $11. Is my math bad?? $11 for 5 beers? What a deal!

I meet up with my best friend from school for a belated birthday dinner at Rhodeside Grill. We order a couple of beers and calamari and then I decide I want pasta. She knows this darling Italian place around the corner, so we ditch Rhodeside (once we finish our beers) and head over to the Italian joint. Fabulous concept! All-you-can-eat spaghetti with side orders of sauces for $3 - $4. Love it! On top of that add another half bottle of wine to share between the 2 of us and I am an extremely happy camper.

Has my alcohol intake skyrocketed this year?

Bars: Mad Hatter & Rhodeside Grill

Total Bar Count: 48

Total DC Bars: 25

My Blogging Rules

Believe it or not, ever since I first began blogging, I have imposed rules upon my blog. I’m not sure if I have ever overtly stated my rules, so I figure I’ll make it an official post for today.

1. Never use real names, real jobs, or anything that can be used to track anyone down outside of hashing
2. Don’t bad mouth other people – I’m not referring to criticisms of hashing behavior, but statements like “I can’t stand XXX cause of XXX”
3. Never discuss who has hooked-up – This is always a difficult one cause there are so many funny things that come out of post-hook-up conversations.
4. Edit curse words – I wouldn’t want my blog to be blocked cause I wasn’t forward-thinking enough to put a star in the word f*ck

I believe this is a pretty good, simple list. I’m not sure if there are other rules that I should apply, but I’m open to suggestions.

Caffeine Withdrawal

I think I have figured out what’s got me down. I’m going through caffeine withdrawal. I usually drink 3-4 cups of coffee daily and following a visit to the dentist last Monday, I decided to quit cold turkey. It’s been pretty hard going without. I can smell the coffee and yearn for it. Why did I decide to quit coffee anyways? I can’t see that it was for any good reason.

Decisions! Decisions!

My running ability is zapped or else the heat is affecting my ability to run. It’s 80 F today. D*mn! If it’s already 80 F in March – what’s July gonna be like? If this is any indicator of how I’m going to run on Sunday for the Cherry Blossom 10-Miler, I’m not sure I’m gonna survive. Bad thoughts! Bad Wendy! Think positive! I’m gonna do wonderfully and I’m gonna try for 1:30. Ha!! Okay, I’ll try for 1:35 at least. Regardless, I AM gonna kill my previous PR of 1:55 for a 10-mile race.

It doesn’t help, though that Holy F*ck is encouraging me to ditch the race to go down to Ft. Eustis. Come on! Don’t tempt me! I really want to go to Ft. Eustis and don’t feel prepared for the 10-miler, but I have to stand by my original commitment. Too many d*mn dilemmas recently. This is what happens when I start booking my social calendar 3 months out. Hell! My social calendar is booked until the end of July.

At the SH*T hash tonight, I have also discovered that the SH*T campout is the same weekend as the Anarchy campout. I have yet another choice to make – why???? I want to do it all!!

My mood must be apparent cause Free P*ssy asks me if I’m okay. I’m that obvious, huh? D*mn introspectiveness. Let me try and inject some upbeat situations back into this posting.

@ss Ogre is in attendance. He always cheers me up. He calls me a hussy. That makes me happy – strange, aren’t I?

BTW, I forgot to pack a shirt tonight, so And How’s Her Bush lends me a “I (Hash-Foot) DC” shirt. I love this shirt! I need to buy tons of these for my non-DC hashing buddies.

Favorite quote:

“You dirty wh*res! I’m so jealous!”

Chili Cookoff or Cheap Mexican Hash??

I was listening to Elliott in the morning on DC101, as I do every morning (which btw, if you don't listen to him, you should – he is consistently funny everyday), when he announced the line-up for the DC101 Chili Coookoff. So who's in the line-up?

1. Silversun Pickups – If you haven't heard of them, they have a fab song "Lazy Eye"! - currently my favorite song on the radio right now.
2. Breaking Benjamin
3. 3 Days Grace - If you haven't heard their song "Pain", you've been living under a rock.
4. Buckcherry
5. Jet
   

What great bands! I would love to check this out! Only $20 if I can purchase some of the first 1,000 tickets sold on Friday. What a deal! $20 for 5 great bands! Oh no!! May 12^th? ??!! I've already signed up for the TRASH Cheap Mexican Hash that weekend. I'm so torn!! What do I do?

Family Visit

Yeah, I make an excursion every so often to the backwoods of Delaware to visit my family. The occasion? My sister flew up for a week with her husband and baby. Since I haven’t seen the little whippersnapper since he was 7 days old, I figured I’d perform the familial obligations as an aunty (no diaper-changing though). Actually, though, with so many people in my family cooing over a brand-new baby there wasn’t much need for me to help my sis in tending my nephew.

Now that isn’t to say I didn’t play with him. I tried to encourage him to start crawling, but he doesn’t have enough arm strength to push himself up. So what’s an eccentric aunty to do? Baby push-ups! Up 1, up 2, up 3! Then while grammy is holding baby, it’s more arm exercises while nutty aunty is dancing to Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy”. I can’t exactly say my family was horrified at my antics with my baby nephew since he wasn’t crying, but they were definitely mystified by my attempts to amuse the baby.

Hopefully, when my sister returns in May/June, her little one will be able to crawl and then I’ll be able to educate him on real mischief-making!!

Oh, and my brother-in-law has informed me that their next little one (when they have him) will be named Fred-Fred. So just to set the record straight, my family (and extended family) breeds lots of wackos. Did y’all really think I was the only one??!!!

3.5 Mile Trail Run

Start time: 3:30pm
Mileage: 3.48 miles
Time: 49:53
Elevation Gain: My Garmin is wrong - anyone know why it's wrong?
Temperature: 67 F
Terrain: Trails w/stairs

Today I went running with my partner, Hoover Daaamn, which I haven't done in ages. I also experimented with my first trail run (outside of hashing). The first 10-15 minutes of the trail, we lose the trail and we encounter many stair climbing exercises. Once we complete that arduous task, the trail is quite pleasant and interesting. There are lots of boggy areas to jump over, small wooden platforms thrown on the trail to avoid the creek areas and lots of twists and turns. On top of that, for a majority of the run, we are running right next to the water (Potomac River). I'd do it again, but I'd like to find a park with a longer trail loop and fewer stair climbing exercises at the outset.

2nd Time in a Row

Alright, now I am starting to piss myself off. I can't believe I walked out without sending myself my latest blog postings. I have probably completed 5 postings that need to go up from the last 2 weeks, but I was in too much of a d*mn hurry to go to the friggin' hash to send them to myself.

So what do you call an idiot twice over?

What's it matter anyhows? I got wonderfully drunk at the hash tonight, it's my last night cat-sitting, and I can't wait to pass out. Hope I make it into work on time.

And since I'm just gonna post another pic anyhows - isn't this chick hot? God, I wish I could be that cool to win 1st place at Nascar. Yep, that's another fantasy of mine - to become a race car driver.

410th EWH3 Hash

Tonight is our first hash with absolutely perfect weather. And that means…..fair weather hashers come popping out of the woodwork tonight. 118 wankers show up due to the beautiful 70-degree weather. I guess spring has officially begun!

Tonight is the V*rgin Gang Bang Hash cause Dial F for F*ggot (alpha hare) has recruited 4 v*rgin hares for tonight’s trail (yes, that makes for a total of 5 hares – EWH3 makes accommodations for 4 hares, but any hares over 4 have to pay their own way). The hares include Mount My Rear, Penal Kneivel, Got the Clap and a “just”. I certainly hope that even with 4 v*rgin hares that this trail doesn’t turn into a clusterf*ck.

Weekly rant:

I know I don’t really start my weekly rants this early in the course of a hash, but tonight’s rant involves hash cash responsibilities:

What’s up with all the quarters today? I can’t run a hash with loose change jangling around in my tits! (which shouldn’t be my responsibility anyway – Big Bend Over is supposed to hold the wad o’cash during the hash – he’s not here tonight) I get $3 in quarters twice today! The first time we hand off the quarters to Big Bang for paying with a $10 bill. He gripes, but takes the change. The second time, we give the change to Beaver Whack. And boy! Is she p*ssed that we give her all that change. Sorry, chickie, but you did pay with a $20 bill. Besides I’d rather have her b*tch at me than have Cum Dumpling b*tch at me for having to deposit loose change. I can’t make anyone happy, can I?

Of course, Do Me Howser not only has me adjust the spelling of his REAL name, but attempts to pay me only $4. Dude! EWH3 hasn’t charged $4 since before I started hashing – where have you been? He replies that he is deducting the amount from the time that he dedicated to correcting our documents. Gotta love legal-ese!

And remember those lovely booty shorts that Schmegg gave away last week? Our wonderful GM, Cum Dumpling, has decided to revive S*men on the Pew fever by wearing the “safe sex” shorts while hashing today.

I yell at him, “Those shorts are so short, why isn’t your pecker hanging out?”

Hey! Just making an observation….

The trail is fairly long. My internal pedometer clocked us at around 4 miles before the beer check, but who can say if my internal pedometer is right? Interesting thing, though – half the runners (mainly the FRBs) miss the beer check. Fortunately, the end location is barely a ½ mile from the beer check, so they end up only waiting a ½ hour for the beer van to arrive.

Oh, and one more thing I need to mention – Free Willy was re-named One-Eyed Willy at the SH*T hash on Tuesday. Too funny! I love the Goonies!!

Unfortunately, our ending circle gets broken up by cops (again!). Fortunately, we had just finished our ending song, so it didn’t really cause any problems other than hashers didn’t get to finish the “free” beer. No one really notices the cops at first, but after I loudly start singing “Kumbaya” and others join in, Cum Dumpling goes over to talk to the cops – I hope he wasn’t wearing the “safe sex” shorts at that point!

Bar: Stetson’s

Total Bar Count: 46

Total DC Bars: 23

Idiocy!

I hate when I do stupid sh*t! I worked on some good posts at work today and then what did I do? Emailed an old version of my file without the new posts! I don't feel like re-creating the wheel, so y'all are just gonna have to hear about my lame @ss today.

But I can give you a fun pic to look at!

No Time to Update

Things have been really hectic at work. So hectic that I don't have time to write 5 songs or memorialize hours upon hours of conversation that is relevant only to my own mind.

I'm very sorry to inform you that I am extremely behind in the work that actually pays the bills and it will probably be several days before I can figure out what I did this past weekend (I know the bars I frequented though - so at least my bar count will be accurate).

I can tell you that tonight I got drunker than I usually do on a schoolnight cause I'm celebrating turning 31 and getting a fabulously ugly picture from the Maryland MVA (I gave up my CDL though - I'm still debating my decision on that one).

Bar: Biddy Mulligans

Total Bar Count: 45

Total DC Bars: 22

Song: Surprise

Where did you come from?

I can’t believe my eyes

Where once I dismissed you

I now can realize

You’re different and special

A wonder disguised

I took my time

To learn and grow

That I must seek

The heart below

Chorus:

Although it’s early

I’m happy I tried

I won’t regret

This wonderful surprise

The fun to be had

The adventures together

Don’t be amazed

At our multiple pleasures

You haven’t changed

I have been blind

To the value you hold

Totally unmined

Chorus:

Although it’s early

I’m happy I tried

I won’t regret

This wonderful surprise

The others don’t matter

They don’t see the light

That burns inside you

So fierce and bright

It takes strength of purpose

To play this game

You’re well aware

Of the danger we share

Chorus:

Although it’s early

I’m happy I tried

I won’t regret

This wonderful surprise

I’m glad to help you

Gain the esteem required

To flaunt your abilities

For all who desire

I can let you go free now

I’ve accomplished my task

I’m so happy

That you’re appreciated at last

Chorus:

Although it’s early

I’m happy I tried

I won’t regret

This wonderful surprise

Shamrock Marathon Quotes

“He broke his peter! You’d think he’d adjust his junk before running 26 miles so he wouldn’t get rug burn.”

“You were so angry last night that I locked my door. I thought you would come and rape me.”

“I don’t f*ck losers.”

“Then you should have locked your cooter and thrown away the key.”

“I was led around by my c*ck all evening.”

“It’s called man-scaping.”

“You’ve lost all v*gina rights. You’re now a man to me.”

“He stole all my underwear, so I either have to go commando or wear shorts.”

“I told you that he would steal your clothing.”

“You missed it! I saw the largest c*ck EVER last night! He was only 21years old. We took pics too.”

“I scored too. I found a non-hasher to hook up with.”

“What has he been eating that he’s farting so bad?”

“P*ssy.”

“If I’m not asleep in 10 minutes, I’m going to sleep in Laa Laa’s bed.”

“I swear he’s paid for me the entire weekend. He even made me breakfast.”

“Really? What have you been eating?”

“If she had told me before that if I didn’t qualify I wouldn’t get laid, I would have made it in on time. As it was, I conserved my energy so I could get laid.”

Bars: Big Sam’s & Knucklehead Roadhouse

Total Bar Count: 44

Total DC Bars: 21

Post-Marathon Partying

Since this is the ShamrockFEST marathon, there is a huge party after the race with free Yuengling and Irish stew for all the r*cists. So when I enter the pavilion, I certify that I am over 21 years of age and I get 4 drink tickets. That’s all I get???!!! 4 Yuenglings? Well, thanks to the generosity of departing r*cists and the good fortune of the Tidewater hashers to position ourselves next to the exit, we manage to score dozens of drink tickets. Yay!!! Unlimited free beer until 4pm!

….and did y’all know that Yuengling makes a light beer? They’re serving it, but I don’t try it – just give me the regular brew, thank you!

And let me tell you! The band is excellent! They’re a cover band and I never do figure out who they are, but am I dancing up a storm. And yes, I know, I just ran a half-marathon – how could I possibly have enough energy to dance for 4 hours? It’s the 3 cups of coffee I had following the race – that’s why!

Oh! And yet again, I earn $2 for providing “live entertainment” from a random dude partying in the pavilion. You know if I’ve got such mad skills at dancing, I def need to consider another line of work…

Finally, though, we are forced to leave the pavilion as the beer has run out. How unfortunate! On to the next bar!

As soon as I enter Catch 31, I spy Pushy B*tch and Uck You which have been fabulously fun folks in the pavilion. They’re ordering oysters and offer me some. No thanks! I like them cooked not raw. But they insist! Try them! Okay, I’ll taste one. And I swallow it down. And then they give me another. And then finally they give me a big whopper of an oyster. Enough already! They’re not horrible, but they have no taste. Uck You does admit that they’re better with Tabasco. Ahhhh….

So what do they do next? They order us oyster shooters. I got no problem with that! It’s pretty good too – nice and spicy! Now, @ss drinks an oyster shooter too. I don’t think anything about it, but apparently a miracle has just occurred cause his friends tell me that he doesn’t eat fish.

…and you know what they say about girls eating oysters? I can confirm that oysters def increase the libido. Not that it did me any good, though.

Bar: Catch 31

Total Bar Count: 42

Total DC Bars: 21

Shamrock Half-Marathon Results

Chip time: 2:07:59
Average pace: 9:47

I beat my goal! I ran a sub-10-minute half-marathon!

Gun time: 2:15:59
Garmin time: 2:09:59
Garmin distance: 13.35 mi

Okay, so by the huge disparity in my gun time from my chip time, it's pretty obvious I started the race 8 minutes late cause I was still dropping off my bag at the bag check and waiting in line for a port-a-potty when the gun went off (I seem to have bad luck with port-a-potties, don't I?).

The good news is that I got a running start. So much of a running start, in fact, that I ran an extra 1/4 mile before I crossed the start line. The bad news is that I felt like Mario Andretti for the first mile, weaving around walkers and slow-pokes to get some breathing room for running. And yes, like the dumb-@ss I appear to be, I turned on my Garmin as soon as I started running rather than when I crossed the start line. So until I checked my time online, I really had NO idea how I had performed other than I KNEW I beat my goal of 2:10.

I set the Garmin to alert me whenever my pace went over 10:00 minute miles, which pretty much meant the thing was driving me batty the entire race (believe me, I tried to set it for 10:30 alerts, but it wouldn't allow me that option).

I will admit that my hardest (psychological) portion of the race was between mile 10 and mile 11. I had passed the final hasher beer check, wasn't really sure if I could run further than 10 miles, and was also blasted with an immediate temperature drop from the frigid Atlantic winds. Fortunately, I knew that according to my Garmin that I had just completed 10.15 miles in 1:37 which is a personal record for me and good indicator for my performance at the Cherry Blossom 10-miler in 2 weeks.

As usual, I picked up the pace for my last mile and sprinted the last .2 miles to the finish. Hearing Hoover Daaamn scream my name just as I was beginning to sprint made all the difference in the world, though. Just having her witness my finish was that extra push I needed.

I'm still incredulous that I beat my goal, but I'm soooo happy that I've performed so well for my first half-marathon.

BTW, I was also a dumb-@ss at the finish too because I didn't stop the timer on my Garmin until Hoover found me, which is why I had NO idea how to even approximate my finish time.

Thanks to everyone that wished me luck and supported me, I couldn't have done it without y'all!

St. Patrick's Day

I’d love to say that I have a wild time partying cause it’s St. Patrick’s Day, but unfortunately, I have the half-marathon to run tomorrow so my alcohol consumption has to be limited.

So what are the notable events of the day? I attend the Ocean View parade and the Tidewater Green Dress Run.

At the parade, it’s a never-ending presentation of the Khedive Shriners. I don’t know what this organization is (I’m assuming some kind of Masonic-type order), but they have got a HUGE presence in Norfolk. My favorite parts are when the go-karts come by that have been re-furbished as Nascar racing cars and truck rigs. Oh, and I can’t fail to mention that Quarter Pound Her found another horn to blow. D*mn fool! Blocks my view and disrupts my peace and quiet. Of course, he’s drunk too. Dude! This is a family affair – behave yourself around the children!

At the green dress run, I wear shorts cause that’s about the only green clothing I own. It’s quite blustery out, though, so I def have to keep moving in order to stay warm. I only survive one beer check before insisting on returning to the bar. Fortunately, most of the other hashers have the same idea too.

Hash-sh*t nomination:

I haven’t been nominated for the hash-sh*t in a long time (mostly because I don’t regularly attend hashes with a hash-sh*t). Well, today is my lucky day! Schwinn nominates me for the hash sh*t cause I haven’t adhered to the slogan on my shirt, “I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.” Apparently, the hash thinks I’ve been too nice to not-so-smart people. I believe that’s my decision to make – isn’t it? I’ve also got a partner in arms. Free Willy joins me for some sort of escapade involving a blind man with a removable eye. Hmmm….that sounds like an interesting situation….

Unfortunately, I missed all the good dirt that happened at the after-party cause I had to go to bed early for the race. But from what I’ve been told, it was a wild time….

Resolution:

Don’t run a r*ce the day AFTER St. Patrick’s Day (or any other binge-drinking holiday) EVER again.

Bar: Tropicana

Total Bar Count: 41

Total DC Bars: 21

409th EWH3 Hash

It’s pretty miserable out tonight. It’s raining hard and I don’t have an umbrella. I can hash in almost any temperature, but I do not like hashing with precipitation. Yuck!

At first, I’m inclined to run the hash, but since 3 Dog Night came out tonight, I’m gonna walk with her.

At the beginning circle, 3 Dog Night is called to sing a song for our visitors, but she doesn’t know any. Then, I’m called on to sing them a song. Of course, I know plenty of songs, but I don’t know one appropriate for visitors, so I just say I don’t know any. I don’t really think anything of it, but I hear some rumblings going, “She’s mismanagement and doesn’t know any songs???!!”. Yeah, whatever.

Moving along…..we walk an extremely short 5 blocks to an alley with a loading dock with a wonderful overhang that shelters us from the rain.

While Schmegg is setting up the beer check, he invites us to take free stuff his work is getting rid of. Sure! Whatcha got there, Schmegg? Red shorts and tiny tees? My pleasure! This stuff will be great for a theme party! The shorts say, “Safe Sex” and the shirts say, “freecondoms.com”. Together the shirt and shorts look like a Hooters outfit. Just get a sh*tload of condoms and the outfit is set. Maybe I’ll wear this for the next red dress run….

Finally, the runners arrive drenched and complaining about the length of the trail. Really? Y’all weren’t out there very long. Fortunately, for them, All Lickie No D*ckie calls an end to the hash at the beer check, since, apparently, all the chalk has washed away due to the rain.

When the runners arrive, we pull out the remaining 30 pairs of shorts and shirts and distribute them to the pack. Most people put them on immediately – including the guys (do I need to mention how scary men look in booty shorts?).

As the snacks are now available for consumption, I swipe a roll of Oreos. I haven’t had a chance previously to confirm how many Oreos are in a roll, but I can now verify that a roll of Oreos contains 14 cookies. And I am sad to admit that 14 cookies doesn’t seem as impressive as I imagined it was. I guess that’s why it’s called my imagination.

Special violation:

You may remember that EWH3 has a special violation for extreme acts of stupidity (such as bringing 4 male virgins to a hash). It’s the bukake. If you don’t know what a bukake is, please re-read this post.

Well, I have finally done something to warrant a bukake (took me long enough, didn’t it?). Funny thing is, 3 Dog Night is sharing the bukake with me (figures that the 2 of us would “do it” together). Remember earlier when neither of us could sing a song for our visitors? Well, it’s a bukake for two! Of course, considering our history, we cuddle for our violation. I do think I take the brunt of the bukake, though. My hair is completely soaked by the end. And did you know that beer acts as an instant hair gel? I get lots of compliments afterwards on how good my hair looks and smells (only hashers would love beer-infused hair).

Of course, the fun never ends after the circle. At the bar, a guy tries to buy 3 Dog Night’s shorts for $15 (cause if you saw her wearing them, wouldn’t you want a pair too?). Unfortunately for him, she isn’t willing to sell her shorts, but General’s Farm Animal is! The dude doesn’t want General’s shorts though – go figure!

Oh! And I have fun playing switcheroo with the beers. Coxxx on Demand goes to the restroom and leaves his beer beside me. Big mistake! I start drinking his light beer. Then Quid Pro Blow walks up next to me and is drinking a Smithwick. I haven’t tried Smithwick, so I exchange glasses with him for a taste test. Yummy! Much better than Coxxx on Demand’s beer. And when Quid Pro Blow walks off without re-exchanging the beer, who am I to complain? However, Coxxx on Demand isn’t happy when he returns to find out I hijacked his beer. Dude! I just upgraded you! You should be thanking me!

….and to top it all off, a couple of hashers get thrown out of the bar. I don’t want to stir anything up by repeating the story, but if I can fictionalize what happened, I’ll say that 3 dudes were having an orgy in the middle of the bar and the Elephant & Castle isn’t a gay bar. The bouncers didn’t care about the dudes having an orgy, but when they started knocking good beer on the ground, they kicked them out. Jeez, y’all! You should know that above all else – save the beer!

Quote of the day:

“I have safe sex all the time! Up the @ss!”

Bar: Elephant & Castle

Total Bar Count: 40

Total DC Bars: 21

Adventures in Cat-Sitting

After a full 24 hour detail with Pirate, I can tell you the following about his idiosyncracies:

He wags his tail all the time. Not like a dog, but the way an unhappy cat would. But he’s not unhappy (I think).

He likes invading the shower. You would think he has never seen Little Red take a shower before. He sticks his head around the shower curtain to see what I’m doing and promptly gets his head wet from the shower spray. Of course, he’s not satisfied, so he walks around the rim of the tub and sticks his head in again (and gets even wetter). Silly cat!

I told this story to my co-workers and you know what they asked me?

“You didn’t cover yourself up with the cat spying on you?”

“Um, no. That would imply that I believe the cat is human.”

Crazy co-workers! Who would hide themself from an animal? Animals are ALWAYS naked.

He demands attention by tripping you. I assume that Little Red focuses completely on her cat when she arrives because for 5 minutes after I arrive from work he is constantly underfoot. After stepping on him for the bazillionth time, he finally hisses at me and lies down in an isolated spot. I do FINALLY give him some attention, though (I’m not a bad cat-sitter – I just have different priorities than the cat). Oh, and he does the same thing upon waking up in the morning too.

And I still haven’t found any of his toys to play with him.

It Ain't Easy Being a Dick

Happy Steak and BJ Day!!

It's not too late to send him a card or buy a steak for dinner tonight!!

And below, I have a special song I have written in honor of the artform of BJs.

Song: Ode to BJs

When the evening’s blue

I pull you along to my room

When I get you inside

We go buck-wild

Push down on the bed

Strip off the pants

Jump on top

And hang on for the ride

I’m not done yet

Investigating

What do we have here?

A tool worth speculating

Take a closer look

Breathe deep and fast

I like what I see

Mouth is attached

Tongue rolls to 12 o’clock

Then rolls back

360 around

This lovely shaft

A kiss on top

Before I plunge

Lets go deeper

How far can I lunge?

Up and down

My mouth hugs around

Keeping a rythym

With hardly a sound

Now one hand steadies

While the other roams

Exploring sightless

By touch and groan

Lick up

Lick down

I have sooo much fun

While going to town!

After stroking

And milking

And laving around

I swallow all down

Not even a dribble

Can escape my frown

Cause I can’t quibble

You’re done for now!

Sh*t Hash

Bar: Dancing Peppers

Total Bar Count: 39

Total DC Bars: 20

BJ Olympics

NBN, are you in charge of the Olympics at CoTex?? This might be an event to consider...

Steak and BJ day is tomorrow!

Cat-Sitting for Little Red Ride Me Good

Yep, I'll be staying at her place to take care of her rambunctious kitty, Pirate.

I figured there isn't any reason for me to go home for 2 weeks (as long as I have my laptop!), so I'll be commuting from Adams Morgan instead of Silver Spring. Hopefully, the weather continues to warm up so the walk to the metro won't be too chilly.

Also, another advantage of staying at Little Red's place is the Rock Creek Park trail. Fabulous! I've always wanted to run that trail in daylight (I've usually run it during hashes where you can't see jack).

The Oreo Cookie Factor

Have any y’all heard of the Oreo factor? This is a story that Schwinn passed along to me recently:

Apparently, a couple of years ago, one of Schwinn’s buddies had been in Iraq and during their correspondence, his buddy passed along a standardized method to measure the length of a guys d*ck. Use regular Oreo cookies (not double-stuffed). Well, turns out after this guy’s wife used this method, he’s 14 ½ Oreo cookies long. Now at first, you have no idea how long 14 ½ Oreos are. But I have been subsequently informed that a single roll of Oreo cookies contains 15 Oreos (I have not verified this fact). But, wow!

Now there is a lot more to this story that involve Diddy’s escapades at one of the TRASH ho-downs. But since I wasn’t present and don’t want to repeat 3^rd hand gossip, y’all will need to track down those that were present if you want to know more.

The point of this story, though, is that what a unique, fun way to get to the truth behind the “man inches”! I’m now going to carry Oreo cookies with me to hash weekend events as part of my regular hashing equipment! And they’re multi-functional, too!

BJ Trick

2 Days til Steak and BJ Day!

Final Week: Last Long Training Run

Start time: 3:30pm
Mileage: 9.83 miles
Time: 1:41
Elevation Gain: 2260 feet
Temperature: 58 F
Terrain: Rolling Hills

I really wanted to run farther than 10 miles today, but the course I chose to run was much hillier and shorter than I expected it to be. I ran out to the metro station which is 3.5 miles from my house and then ran up Georgia Ave to create a large loop. Unfortunately, I over-estimated the distance and under-estimated the terrain. However, I performed quite well on a hilly course prior to the flat course I will be running next Sunday. I'm really looking forward to the race!

Puma BJ

Use your imagination...

3 Days til Steak and BJ Day!

Shamrockfest

I’ve never been to Shamrockfest although I’ve known about it for years. It used to be held on the streets around Ballston Commons Mall, but in recent years, it’s been so crowded that this year the venue has changed to the tailgate area around RFK stadium. It’s basically an all-day concert and beerfest where everyone dresses in green. The head-liners this year are Carbon Leaf and Flogging Molly.

As we all crashed at Hermie’s and TOM’s last night, we have a slow start to our day. Chlorine backs out of joining us, but Designer and the Tidewater boys are all for it. After a rowdy ride on metro (and an encounter with Toothfairy), we finally arrive at RFK around 4pm.

Damn! I’ve missed one of my favorite local bands – Liquid A. They are playing another set in the VIP tent, but despite my wheedling, I can’t convince PSA to give me a VIP wristband (he’s a stage manager and could hook me up if he wants to). PSA tells me that unless I perform sexual favors, I’m not gettin’ none. Hmmmphhh! I don’t want to see Liquid A that bad! As one last attempt, I ask PSA if I perform sexual favors on someone else and allow him to watch if he would give up the VIP pass then, but nope. Sexual favors must be performed on PSA. Well, I tried….but I can always catch Liquid A at Clarendon Grille for $5.

My favorite band of the evening is Jimmie’s Chicken Shack – they’re excellent! Carbon Leaf isn’t bad, but they’re playing at the same time as Jimmie’s Chicken Shack. I def make the best decision. Then, finally, the last band is Flogging Molly, but I leave during their show because I keep getting trampled by the shockwaves of the moshpit. Besides, it starts raining during the beginning of their show and certainly don’t want to get drenched.

STDs, @ss, and I walk to the port-a-potties together. Now @ss and I exit the port-a-potties around the same time and we wait and we wait for STDs.

While we’re waiting I observe a dude with a shirt that says “Buck-Fuddy 69”. How cute! I approach him and tell him how much I admire his shirt. And guess what? He had his custom made for his group of friends who have dubbed themselves the “Irish Drinking Team”. Fabulous! I’m gonna have to commission a shirt like that for myself!

Oh, and by now, we’re really wondering what has happened to STDs.

I walk by the port-a-potties calling out, “STDs, where are you?” “STDs, are you in there?”.

Understandably, I get some strange looks from people since I’m walking by toilets looking for STDs. If they only knew!

All in all, though, Shamrockfest is a blast with great music. The beer is a bit pricy at $5, but not really that much more expensive than what I would pay at a bar. Hope next year is just as fun!

BJ Blog

There are blogs concerning every subject known to man, so of course there is a blog that is dedicated to news concerning BJs. If you're not concerned with anyone looking over your shoulder, click here.


4 days to Steak and BJ day!

Post-engagement Antics

The Tidewater boys arrive about an hour after Hermie pops the question in a powder blue Hyundai that @ss rented. Apparently, it’s further proof to the Tidewater hashers that @ss is gay. So, who has joined @ss this weekend? His ex-roommates, Dirty Dog and STDs, and his buddy Quarter Pound Her.

Dirty Dog has finally recovered from his hernia operation, but we harass Designer and caution her not to break her toy again (actually, though, he got his hernia from jumping a ditch while hashing, not for anything Designer did to him).

I’ve never met STDs before, but he immediately names me “Tainted Sister.” I now have a special Tidewater hash name. Hmmmm…..that’s an interesting concept – having a different hash name with each hash I encounter. I’m afraid if that’s the case, I’m going to have dozens of hash names before long….

But Schwinn isn’t coming. WTF??!! Schwinn isn’t coming cause he’s talking to some girl that has just arrived in VA Beach – lame! No worries, though. I’ll see him next weekend! Laa-Laa didn’t make it either cause he has to work on Saturday. Alright, although Chlorine looks a little pouty.

Onto the drinking games! First we start off with Drink-o, which is like the Price is Right’s Plinko, except the chip falls into a shot glass which has to be drunk according to the rules (which I can’t remember). When that proves too difficult for us to master, we move onto 3-man.

And it is sometime during this game that I remove my top and set it beside me cause I’m hot. It is now a fact that I ALWAYS take my top off during a hash party. When I come back downstairs holding my boobs with my one arm and my bra in the other, I notice that my shirt is going around and around on the kitchen ceiling fan. Jeez, peoples! I give y’all enough ammunition to cause amusement without y’all having to torment my poor shirt!

Quotes:

“My hair is curly now.”

“It’s a good thing you remembered to lock your door.”

“I could’ve gotten into your room using a credit card, but I didn’t want to.”

“5 times. He didn’t leave me alone all night.”

“I went to bed with one girl and woke up with another.”

"Don't get drunk. I need you coherent tonight."

Hermie & TOM are engaged!

The big event tonight is a private get-together in Woodbridge to witness Hermie proposing to TOM. Of course, it’s a surprise, and in order for Hermie to throw a party without TOM being suspicious as to the reason, we create a diversion. TOM thinks she’s throwing a surprise birthday party for Designer Bush and I, since we will be in Virginia Beach for our birthdays next weekend.

So, TOM is trying to keep us from finding out about a birthday party, while we’re trying to help Hermie set up without TOM finding out. A very interesting situation, indeed! At one point, Hermie needs us to get TOM outside and Chlorine asks me how we can manage that. Let me see….@ss Ogre’s outside right? Just go outside and get him to distract TOM for a bit. My idea works – see! not all my plans fail!

So what is Hermie setting up that requires so many diversionary tactics? At one point, TOM told Hermie that she would never accept a proposal unless she was standing on the 50-yard line. So, Hermie is setting up a mini VA Tech football field. He has even set up bleachers and lots of colorful toy soldiers who represent mini-spectators (the red soldiers are the Hokie fans).

The final diversionary tactic? We show TOM pictures of our Charlottesville adventures last weekend in her upstairs office so that all the guests can go into the downstairs den for her surprise. Of course, the first picture TOM wants to see is the one of Hermie f*cking the blow-up sheep. It’s a classic!

Then 30 seconds later, Hermie calls us to go downstairs. Hermie goes down on his knees and asks TOM to marry him with a blow-pop ring as the engagement ring. Of course she says yes! (even though she just saw evidence of him f*cking the sheep)

…and she never caught on! Great planning, Hermie!

Now that the engagement is certain – what are the wedding plan ideas? Las Vegas, baby! Any hashers that can make it, will be invited to an Elvis wedding (Elvis MUST wear blue suede shoes) and a hotel room party afterwards. That sounds like a perfect hasher wedding!

BTW, I do get a birthday present from Hand to Hand Cumbat.

In the card, she wrote, “I hope you get some c*ck for your birthday.”

Then I open the present and what’s inside? A jigsaw puzzle c*ck (aka a rooster). What a great birthday gift!

Gingerbread BJ

I need to get my hands on that cookie cutter! 5 days til Steak and BJ Day!

Song: Aries

I feel that the story is unfinished on this one, so I may re-visit it to add some more stanzas.

So stubborn and strong

Who always fights

For the people dear

With colossal might

Self-centered at times

Energy exploding within

These are the qualities

Of an Aries whim

Big egos abound

Confidence soars

In the crowd

Fire burning sight

Commands the light

Playfulness reigns

Its all fun and games

The Aries spirit

Cannot be contained

Jealousy prevails

Struggling to control

Feelings suppressed

Weaknesses exposed

Aries MUST be first

If not we quail

Are injured and broken

And hope does fail

The life of a party

Does reside

Unfettered and happy

Without compromise

Song: Mistake I Once Made

Wow!! I’m on quite a kick now. I wrote 5 more songs today. 2 to be published today and the other 3 to be published at a later date. In the meantime, I have 3 more songs I’ve drafted but haven’t been inspired to finish. I’ve also received a request to create a post-marathon song. Let’s see how I perform first to see what the tone of that one will be.

Chorus:

We were once friends

But now that’s all changed

Due to a mistake

I once made

I shouldn’t have pushed

I shouldn’t have pried

I should have let

Sleeping dogs lie

I was too nosy

I barged right in

And opened my mouth

Where I shouldn’t have been

Chorus:

We were once friends

But now that’s all changed

Due to a mistake

I once made

Now the silence is ongoing

A matter of fact

Although I’m still trying

To keep our friendship intact

But things won’t work

Without a two-way street

I believe it’s gone now

I must admit defeat

Chorus:

We were once friends

But now that’s all changed

Due to a mistake

I once made

I pass you on the street

And you nod your head

But there is nothing left

Between us but shreds

I’ve apologized for my actions

My conscious is clear

We are not the same now

After all the years

Chorus:

We were once friends

But now that’s all changed

Due to a mistake

I once made

408th EWH3 Hash

This has been a stellar hash for me this evening. The weather is cold, but not unbearable, and there is no wind to speak of.

There are some scary sections in the beginning while going through the industrial park, which actually makes me wonder how 4 chicks fared while laying this trail. I def am pushing myself to keep up with the other members of the pack – that’s how scary this neighborhood is.

We encounter at least 3 police incidents on trail. Cops stop a kid on a bike, which doesn’t really hamper our running. But when approaching the beer check, we have a slight detour as there are 5 cops responding to a car-jacking incident outside the alley we are supposed to enter. Finally, during the last leg of trail, we encounter cops pulling a driver over. In addition to these incidents, WOWO informs us that he prevented a girl from getting raped in one of the parks we traversed. I’m not really sure what the details are, but I’m not surprised.

Trail Review:

I like the scenery and the length of the trail. What I don’t like is the flour visibility. I can’t tell you how many times we get lost on trail. Fortunately, the sweepers are out en force today.

Cum Dumpling usually overhears the most inappropriate parts of my conversations. He performs his weekly smack of my @ss just as I’m leaving the beer check and saying to Delivery Boy:

“I was all lubed up……before the beer check.”

I’m referring to how my muscles were just warming up during the last part of the 2.5 mile first half and after standing around at the beer check for 20 minutes, they’re cold again.

Kudos:

Love the Fruit & Nuts trail mix. Red River, keep buying that stuff! That’s the best food introduction that we’ve had in a while!

Big word of the day:

Paltry – I offer WOWO the few raisins left in the bottom of my cup. Upon his refusal, I admit that it’s a paltry offer. Apparently, it’s not a common word to be throwing around at the hash.

The naming:

I must say we haven’t had a naming go so well in a VERY long time. All the names thrown out are excellent and the name Bloody @sshole chooses is extremely clever on multiple levels. I have to admit I’m impressed that he didn’t go for the name that references anal (cause we are soooo obsessed with dirty names at EWH3).

Bars:

We head to the on-after, which is Phase 1, the oldest lesbian bar in America. Does this mean DC spawned lesbianism in the U.S.? When we first arrive, there’s a bluegrass band, which is okay, I guess.

Now while I’m circulating the crowd, Monday Sticky Monday asks me why I appear uncomfortable. Really? Do I look uncomfortable? I’ not aware of that, but I will admit that this is my first foray into a lesbian bar. I guess it is a bit troubling that I can’t identify if some of the chicks in here are really chicks…

Then open mic night begins, and that’s when people start leaving in droves. Some black chick goes up to the mic and starts reading poetry. I don’t have any issue with poetry readings, but when she starts b*tching about the world and racism, I’m ready to leave. I go to bars to FORGET about real life, not to have it thrown back in my face. Of course, it doesn’t help that the members of the band keep approaching hashers and telling us to keep quiet for the presenter.

“She needs a safe space”

I wasn’t aware that I was threatening her space to begin with.

So what’s a hasher to do when the on-after is hostile to hasher fun? Go to another bar! I proceed to the Ugly Mug, which is an established hasher hang-out. Interestingly enough, tonight we are hob-knobbing with Capitol Hill staffers. We get a few interested glances towards our running attire when they’re all wearing suits, but they’re cool.

The one exception is I’d Do ‘Er – she comes prancing in wearing a gold evening gown. Where have you been, darlin’? You’re looking awful fancy for the hash. She had a work event, but just had to stop by since hashers are in her ‘hood tonight. Great to see you! She cut her hair too – she looks fabulous!

Oh, and do any of y’all recall the “manly” tequila shot? I haven’t seen that performed in over a year! You dudes are crazy mo-fo’s! Eat Street Meat, I know you’re responsible! Stop perpetuating that sadistic ritual!

As usual, when good music is playing, I’m grooving. Since I’m working up a sweat, I take my pants off – you should have seen the shocked expression on people’s faces before they realize I have another layer on underneath! Yep, I’m a tease! And as usual, I earn a dollar for my dancing. You know, it’s almost becoming a regular occurrence that I earn money dancing while hashing. I should def investigate a career change….

just kidding!

Bars: Phase 1 and The Ugly Mug

Total Bar Count: 38

Total DC Bars: 19