Cold Hard Cash Feels so Good!

So I haven’t written anything in a while and I’m determined to jump-start my blog once more. What better event than to begin at a hash? And what better way to generate lots of interesting situations than dressing up? I so love costumes!

I pull out my wifebeater from last year’s graffiti hash, aviator sunglasses, and a straw baseball hat I bought in a “junk” store in Rehobeth Beach over Easter weekend. Insert a toothpick between the lips and atta girl! Instant West Virginia hillbilly! The only props I’m missing are a can of Schlitz and some Camel cigarettes. Some people, though, don’t appreciate my sense of style:

KP takes one look at me and says, “I see you visited the stupid hat shop again.”

Dude! Don’t hate the hat! It’s for entertainment purposes! Just wait until I break out my leopard-print pimp hat and gold-rimmed sunglasses! (I need to acquire a gold-plated walking stick, though.)

Double Stuffed Whore-E-O hasn’t hashed in ages and is thrilled that I’m wearing my graffiti hash wifebeater. She wrote the line “Tastes Great Even Late” with the drawing of a cooch underneath. She goes down on me to demonstrate, once again, the proper technique. Thanks, DSW! You know I love you! But I still haven’t changed my mind about swinging the other way – sorry!

And just because my wifebeater has “Touch My Boobs” emblazoned across the front of it, doesn’t give any y’all an invitation to feel my boobs. My poor tits! They get poked and cupped all evening. Can’t y’all keep your hands to yourselves?

Onto other topics….Unfortunately, the OnSec, Cum Dumpling, has deserted me today, so I’ve gotta sign people in AND collect the cash. Whew! This is gonna take forever. Thank God, Jag Queen volunteers to help me out! I’m halfway through my line before he steps up to collect the cash for me. Thanks, darlin! Of course, at the end of sign-in, I’m still responsible for holding onto the wad of cash. Boy! It’s a thick wad at that! 133 hashers – you do the math! Not leaving that kind of change around – it’s going in my all-natural carrying case (my sportsbra, of course!).

It’s a great run, too (lengthwise and personal performance-wise). Of course, I expect no less from the HareRazor, P*ssy in a Haystack, when he hares. Mostly pavement pounding with some moderate shiggy and one tunnel to cross. Fortunately, the tunnel is tall and if you’re capable of waddling, you can cross the tunnel without getting wet. There are some dangerous road crossings, though. Not cool. Can I state for the record, please, that crossing busy highways with cars zooming by at 50mph is not smart or safe. At least it is daylight, but can’t we try to avoid them somehow?

At the beer check, Runs With Bulls tells me, “Man, you look great! What have you lost, like, 20 lbs? Soon you’re gonna be cut!”

So, for those of you that haven’t seen me recently, yes, I have lost 20 lbs since the end of February. It makes quite a difference in my running ability. Not that I run any faster, but I’m capable of running longer distances. Also, I don’t hurt afterwards. And how did I do it? Diet, pure and simple – and patience. I’m not starving myself, just eating lots of fruits and veggies. And the patience part? It’s taken 12 long weeks and I’m not even at my goal yet. Hopefully, I’ll continue my progress in the future.

Back to work at the ending circle. This is actually my favorite part. Rather than wait for hashers to come to me for late sign-in, I circulate the crowd and approach whoever needs to pay me.

“You need change? I’ve got plenty.”

I proceed to pull out a 3-inch roll of cash out of my sportsbra. Definitely surprising to those not expecting me to pull cash out of my tits.

“Here. I’ll try to give you change from the middle of the stash. The outer bills are bit damp since I kinda sweat on them.”
“Thanks, I appreciate the consideration.”

Now, I don’t get to hold onto the money overnight. I’ve gotta hand it over to KP for processing. You think I’m going to go home and swim in it or something? As the circle is closing up, though, I’m ready to book it to the bar and I don’t see him around.

“If KP wants the money, he’s gonna have to hunt me down. Oh, sorry, KP, I didn’t see you there. Here’s the cash. It’s a bit sweaty since I stuffed my boobs with it. Now you can stuff your pants with it.”
“Did you expect me to do any differently?”

You know, I can never win any conversation with him. He’s always got a comeback.

At the Rhino bar, I’m not done collecting money. You see, I mark the people that tell me they will give me money at the end down as IOUs, but at the bar, they track me down and give me money to clear their IOU. Well, I’ve already handed off my wad to KP (for some reason, this sentence sounds very disturbing to me). Well, I proceed to collect an additional $18 and take the cash over to KP every time someone hands me cash.

At one point Jedi Boob TriXXX asks KP, “Why does she keep bringing you cash?”
KP responds, “She’s turning tricks for the hash.”
“Yep! KP is pimping me out. I’m getting better at it too! First, I brought him $1, then I brought him $2, now I’m bringing him a fiver. My price is going up.”
“Really? I thought you were just turning your tricks over faster.”

See what I mean? I can’t get the last word in ever!

Hmmm….other updates…Fizzy is leaving us to go set up a physics department at some university in Midland, TX. He’s determined to set up a hash there, since there isn’t an existing hash in the town. He’s the EWH3 haberdasher, so who’s gonna step in to take his place? Well, whattya know? Big Bend Over has volunteered for the position. I guess he’s doing okay for a trainee – he sold $7 worth of stuff today. Yeah, that’s not a lot of money, but EWH3 isn’t really known for having exceptional merchandise (sorry, Fizzy, but I say it how I see it).

Oh, and I thought I should let Obeastiologist know – You’re getting rave reviews, man! I overheard a couple of comments around the crowd that your delivery of scribing violations is very entertaining. Keep up the good work – maybe you’ll earn a promotion someday.