Responses for "How did you hurt your Arm?"

1. I had a slight altercation with a Metrobus
2. I turned down a date with a pro-wrestler
3. A vigorous hand-job gone bad
4. I was trying to figure out how to perform a reach around. I learned I’m not THAT flexible.
5. I had a tustle with some auditors and I lost
6. Damn nighttime shiggy! Tripped over sex on trail.
7. Bottle-to-arm action for 72 hours straight
8. I was jealous of the fine appendage that Cum Dumpling gave me and set out to earn one for myself
9. I went through a drive thru going the wrong way
   
10. Performing my duties as a fluffer

Beware of Females

Female asks guy: "What happened to our waitress? Did you eat her?"
Guy replies: "Yeah, sure did."
"Was she tasty?"
"Nah."
Another female replies: "Dude! You can't say that around females! Watch yourself!"
"Oh! I totally fell for that one."

Out of Commission

well, y'all...i have now learned a very valuable lesson. it doesnt matter how tough you look or feel, 3 juvie punks can still bring you down.

i was walking home from the bus stop last Wed. night when 3 teenagers mugged me. when i didn't give them any money, they proceeded to beat me up.

what do i have to show for it?

1. a broken right arm (typing one-handed is not easy to do)
2. stitches above my left eyebrow (i now have a matching set to my car accident scars from when i was 4 yrs old)
3. lovely black eye from where the bastards kicked me in the face

i'm now gonna stock up on pepper spray and take some self-defense courses

in the meantime i guess i'll be doing the ol' hunt and peck on the keyvoard

Damn You Austin Hash-Bloggers!

Y'all are making it very difficult for me to keep up with y'all! Stop cumming out of the woodwork. Soon your entire hash will be blogging and the rest of TX with y'all!

In any case, I'm sorry if I'm not linking to your sites cause I can't keep track anymore...

I'm tired...gotta write some more about my weekend...

Update: Wendy-isms

Somehow or another I have left off some of my better quips while writing my blog:

“I’ve had this since I was a virgin and haven’t blown it.”

“Is my brother stiff?”

“How do you want it?”

“You got your junk all over me.”

Yes, I am a metaphorical blonde...

WISSHHH Room Crawl

7:45pm - My room is next to the Sh*t party room – Oh no! I’m never gonna sleep! The music is going to blare all evening long

8:15 - Holy helps me insert Cum Dumpling’s appendage down my pants

9:00 – Room crawl begins

9:05 - Pick up Mardi Gras mask and a shot

9:15 – Kamikaze shot??

9:30 – Jello shots

9:45 – Sh*t Studio 54 blue stuff

10:00 - I have $20 in my back pocket and somehow manage to spend it on a FREE room crawl. I buy a long-sleeved shirt from some lovely Richmond ladies

10:15 - Harley Davidson motor oil drink

10:30 – Totally wasted

11:00 - Clam drink seals the deal

11:05 – PSA takes advantage of my inebriated state

11:15 – Trashers jungle juice

11:30 - I go back to my room, puke once and pass out even with the volume levels in the party room not subsiding one bit.

I’m out of the game after only 3 ½ hours. Poor showing!

Playing with My Toy

Tonight we have a fine run through Friendship Heights.

OTH Hash-a-thon on April Fools Day. 4 hashes in 1 day.

Naming tonight is F*cks, F*cks, Goose – great name! His dad and best friend just happened to be in attendance.

A$$ Master 2000 gives me the top part of Cum Dumpling’s crutch.

Can’t Stop’s last hash – he’s moving to Jacksonville. He’ll be attending the Pensacola Red Dress Run in a few weeks. I try to convince him to go to the Daytona Bike Week. Fizzy will be attending. Although I would love to, I better cut back on all these plane tickets I’m purchasing. 4 plane trips in 3 months is hell on the budget.

Gamers

After the wedding reception, my sis calls and invites us to her hotel suite to hang out and play games with the rest of the wedding party. Boy! Are these people competitive! I’ve never been involved in the gaming scene even though both my brother and my sister are heavy into role-playing.

First, I play a game called “Ninja Burger”. Quite interesting game, actually, but I’m in the mood for something a bit more fast-paced.

How about this one? I jump into a game in progress, “The Great Dalmuti”, as a lesser peon (equivalent to the beer b*tch in A$$hole). In fact, the game is remarkably similar to A$$hole, just a bit more complicated cause the deck has 12 twelves, 11 elevens, 10 tens, and so on. The only problem is that there’s no enforced drinking, no law-making by the Great Dalmuti, and no punishment for not saying “Last Card.” I say, this game needs a few more house rules to make it interesting!

And can I repeat how seriously these people play? When I play a$$hole with hashers, it’s all about who can get everyone drunk the quickest, but my sis’ friends play to win. I see some serious pouting when the game doesn’t go their way. Lighten up, peoples! Have some fun! Y’all don’t need to think ALL the time!

Ghetto Fab Wedding

In honor of my sis's wedding, I want to share this file. Warning: it's 3MB.

THE Wedding

Torture of tortures! I have to get up at 5am, so that we can meet the limo at 5:45am, so that we can have our hair done. And I can’t even think of sleeping after having my hair styled! I’ll mess up my ‘do!

When we return to the hotel, my sis’s fiancé spots us waiting for the elevators. My sis quickly hides behind a column to escape his view.

4 croissants and 4 muffins, a pitcher of orange juice, and some cheap-a$ champagne that doesn’t even taste good adds up to a $96 bill. That’s what you get for renting the presidential suite at the Hyatt.

Sis made us walk 3 blocks to the church. Not that I really mind walking, but when I’ve got to think about sidewalk cracks in my heels, make sure my dress doesn’t get dirty and worry about my sister’s train, it becomes a little complicated.

We run ahead to shoo her fiancé into the church. He can’t see my sis before the wedding!

My brother still clomps down the stairs. Dude! Your feet are too big! Well, they do say the taller they are the harder they fall – and my bro is 6’3”. In fact, since he lost about 10 lbs. My aunt asks me if my brother has gotten taller. Nope, just skinnier – not that he was skinny to begin with. Lookie, here – isn’t my bro adorable?

First, my dad dances with my sis for the father-daughter dance. Isn’t that sweet? Even though my dad is deaf and can’t hear any music, he does a superb job at leading my sister around the room. Guys! Take note! Even a man that is totally deaf can dance! So don’t gimme that excuse! Then, when I drag my brother’s girlfriend on the dance floor for “Brickhouse” my brother jumps in and starts dancing. And he ain’t just dancing like a white boy, either. He’s a-shakin’ his boo-tay! Wow! Where’d we all get our dancing genes from?

Cause you know I’m on the dance floor! My weekly disco ball dance sessions in my grandmother’s living room must have greatly influenced my siblings. Haven’t gone back in time for that one?

Let’s just say I would reconfigure my grammy’s record player by hooking up my boombox with its built-in CD player (I was such an early adopter!). I then turned off all the lights in the living room and forced my grandparents to endure hours of music (my grandparents labeled all of it as “rap” even though it was probably just Bobby Brown or En Vogue or something) played at high decibels and encouraged my siblings and cousins to join in on my boo-tay shakin’.

I can’t say my half-brothers benefited from the dancing genes, though. P dances stiffly (although he seems to enjoy dancing – he’ll dance with any female family member that’s willing to show him the moves) and S refuses to dance at all

My mom breaks her ankle while going down the steps laden with flower arrangements.

Wedding Prep

Oh! How unfortunate! To suffer through endless pampering at my sister’s slightest whim. I have had a full menu of massages, herbal wraps, salt scrubs, manicures, pedicures, waxing, and hair styling.

And my sis has learned the dangers of too much bubble bath with a whirpool bathtub. Since she has rented the presidential suite at the Tampa Hyatt, she luxuriates in her bubble bath. Unfortunately, it foams up a little too quickly. And, of course, her loving sis (me...you numbskulls!) just HAS to traipse in and record this documentation for future generations. You know I'm gonna show these pics to the family, sis, just you wait!!

Rehearsal Dinner

Comfort food vs. haute cuisine – What do you prefer? My sis has her rehearsal dinner at a fab new French/Vietnamese restaurant, BT, in Old Hyde Park.

It doesn't please the male members of my family. Pops (my grandpa) and my uncle complain loudly about strawberries in their salad and gnocchi with their veal. I think the food tastes great! Quit complaining about how it looks and eat it!

Reminder: Never go date-less at a wedding. You are bound to play leap-frog from one table to another because couples HAVE to sit together. My sis approaches me TWICE to tell me to move! Even after I have eaten one entire course! Not cool, sis. Melissa, where are you? You were supposed to be my date!

I'm Not a DFL After All!!

Must be those super-athletic DC runners that make me look bad all the time, huh? I’m running with the Jolly Roger hash tonight and meet a different group than who was on the pub crawl on Saturday. Interesting checks at this hash. Clothing checks and titty checks. Haven’t encountered these checks before?

1. Clothing check – exchange an article of clothing with another hasher

2. Titty check – the first female to the check either solves the check or flashes a dude who solves the check for them

Well, there are lots of titty checks and I solve lots of them. Of course it helps that there’s only 4-5 girls running tonight.

I have to give a shout out to Tuppy from Stroke. And I meet yet ANOTHER WH4 alumni, Smells Like Fish, who wants to give a shout out to Fiddy and Duck Job.

The Castle

Tonight, my sis is out practicing her martial art, iado, and after tasking me with picking her maid of honor up at the airport, suggests that I head out for a night in Ybor City. She tells me that I should check out The Castle, which is a goth bar, but on Monday nights plays 80’s music.

The place only takes cash – well, I’m sticking to a budget tonight! My usual budget is my credit card limit (not that I ever spend that much – I usually am only capable of drinking $20 worth except when I buy rounds of drinks), but tonight it’s gonna be $35!

Let me tell you, this place doesn’t play any 80’s music I’ve ever listened to! They do play 80’s, but it’s REALLY obscure stuff by Rod Stewart and Duran Duran and Billy Idol.

TMDD shows up and makes fun of a SNL skit about Goth chicks. Too funny!

“I’m Aaaaahz-rai-el, and I’m from Taaaaahm-pa.”

Def entertaining people watching in this place. The people dance like robots. So, Pond Scrum, my dancing totally fits in here! No one is going to be concerned that I’m having a seizure in this joint!

My question is: How do goth people hook up in these joints? They seem so anti-touching. I didn’t see anyone that appeared to be dancing as a couple and certainly didn’t see any kissing. Even in regular bars, you at least see a guy with his arm around a girl. Things that make you go hmmmm…..

Maybe another field trip is in order??

On-On Traffic Sign

I spotted this altered sign in St. Petersburg. Hmmm...was this hasher work?

Animal Heads

Can someone please tell me what is so attractive about hanging animal heads in a living room? I'm down here in Tampa trying to enjoy my week-long vacation when my soon-to-be-brother-in-law pulls kudu and springbuck heads from his garage. Apparently, these lovely African deer just arrived from the taxidermist and their months-long trek across the ocean.

And what is he insistent that we do? The heads HAVE to be hung this moment.

My first worry is that he is going to kill himself trying to hang the darn thing and then I will have to deal with my sister (not that I don't love her, but placing himself in precarious places a week before the wedding is highly upsetting). My second worry is that once the thing is hung, it won't stay hung and will come crashing 10 feet down onto the floor. And to say the least, my future brother-in-law can be a bit of a bear when p*ssed.

So he does end up injuring himself when the kudu head falls off the wall onto his head leaving a big red mark. Now my sister is fretting that the red mark won't disappear for the pics next Saturday. Weddings!!

Tampa Red Dress Run

Since I got off the plane at midnight last night, today is my 1^st official day of my week-long vacation in Tampa to ensure my sister gets hitched properly. Fortunately, my sisterly duties don’t begin immediately – I have 3 days to do whatever I wanna do for fun. My sis does want me to participate in the Gasparilla Night parade tonight, though. Apparently, there’s lots of boobie flashing. Since my sis is one of my regular blog readers, she must think I enjoy that sort of thing. Sis, I don’t swing that way, but I have experienced lots in the last 8 months of hashing.

I’ve already hooked up with Tie Me Down D*ck (no, not that kind of hook up!) to get the low-down on Tampa hashing. He informed me last month that Tampa’s Red Dress Run would run on the same day as the Gasparilla Night Parade. Oh, boy! I love to have a full schedule! A parade and a red dress run in the same day!

So, when I get ready for the hash, I’m not in the mood to wear the red dress I packed (I know…what’s wrong with me?), so I put on a red t-shirt and red DC Full Moon shorts. At least I’m wearing red!

I’m dropped off at the parking deck and am immediately outraged that a hasher named Insane Clown P*ssy is wearing MY dress! (It does happen to be one of the most whorish outfits available on the internet, so I really shouldn’t be that shocked that someone else has one too.)

“Hey!! You’re wearing my dress! Look I have the exact same one right here in my bag.”
“What!! You can’t bring that dress to a Red Dress Run and not wear it. Put it on!”

So, just like at the DC RDR, I change in public while ICP helps strap me in.

While changing, I state, “My pants are around my ankles.”
Someone replies, “All women should dress that way.”

That would make for difficult walking….oh…what am I thinking?...of course, we won’t be walking with our pants around our ankles…

Our goody bags include $1.50 in quarters, a red dress pin, and four slips of paper that read, “Sexiest”, “Most Complete”, “Most Lip Prints”, and “Tackiest”. Our instructions are to hand out our slips of paper to the individuals that best merit the category. I hand my sexiest slip to my twin, ICP (I have to give him a prize for having such wonderful fashion sense!). Did you win, darlin’? I wasn’t paying attention. I don’t win any prizes myself, but I do make a good attempt for “Most Lip Prints”.

I’ve got to say this now… WH4 has infiltrated everywhere! Can one hash possibly spawn that many hashers? I didn’t quite realize it when I went to Tex/Mex cause there were only 2 ex-White Housers there, but after my intro at the Tampa RDR, I’ve realized that I can pretty much go anywhere and meet SOMEONE who used to hash with WH4. So who have I met?

True WH4 alumni:

1. Whore Moans – I’m supposed to give a shout out to WOWO and REV, cause she’s their hash mama
2. Leave It In Beaver

Ex DC-ers:

1. Dances with Dildos – an ex-DCer (Mount Vernon – I think)
2. Slim Prickens – is friends with PPE, but didn’t begin hashing until he moved to FL
3. Begs 2 Cum – originally from Columbia, MD, but I don’t believe he ever hashed in DC

Who else are interesting characters?




Nosediver wears a fire-patterned pimp hat that I SO want to steal (speaking of hats I want to steal – that fab red velvet pimp hat on the ski trip disappeared from my condo before I could walk off with it – what a shame!). His wife, Cockpit wins the Tackiest prize. Hops on Pops (isn’t there a Hops on C*ck somewhere in the hashing world? I keep calling her that all day) wears a lampshade on her head and brings a few virgins. Balls on a Barbed Wire has his hair tied into a million little mini-braids while walking around with his a$$ cheeks hanging out of his saloon girl outfit.

The $1.50 in quarters is to pay for public transportation. Yay! We get to terrorize innocent bystanders with our antics. As we wait at the bus stop, we garner lots of attention from passing motorists. Don’t crash your cars while y’all are taking those pics! Hashers are such media wh*res!

When our trolley finally arrives, the bus driver pretends like he will refuse to admit us aboard. He is rather shocked when one of the dudes plants cherry-red lips on his cheek, though. Hee hee. Told ya we were gonna terrorize people! More Sex is a songmistress for the hash and leads us in a rendition of the Everyday is Wednesday theme song (although Thursday isn’t a hashing day down here).

When we sing the line, “Friday is a f*cking day”, the bus driver announces over the speakers, “I like Friday.”

Now, TMDD is wearing a burka and has been pole dancing on the bus.

When the bus driver next announces, “State law requires that all hookers stand in FRONT of the white line”, TMDD runs up front and starts pole dancing for the bus driver.
The bus driver then says, “Never mind”.

Ahhhh…don’t you love people that get into the hashing spirit?!

Our first bar is a white patio-ed building within spitting distance of some arena. As we walk up to the building, we notice that approximately 20 police choppers are lined up outside. Hmmm…are we gonna get locked up before we properly begin drinking? I go inside to introduce myself to the 5-0. The coppers happen to be sitting down in a large group having lunch. They aren’t very interesting, so I return to socialize with the hashers. A group of hashers are molesting a statue of Captain Morgan (or is it the pirate Gaspar?) in the corner. We so LOVE inanimate objects!!

We next proceed to the Azalea Lounge, which I learn later is a gay bar. We have a jukebox at our disposal and TMDD programs it to belt out some tunes. More Sex really gets into the music and jumps on the bar to dance. Eventually, a group of us are dancing on top of the bar (including myself). Watch out for those lamp fixtures! They cost $1M!! The bartender yells whenever someone accidentally bumps into them. I’m applauded for great sucker (I mean lollipop!) technique while dancing. Why thank you!

We pick up some trail treasure at the Azalea Lounge. A dude walks in off the street and apparently likes seeing men in drag so much that he follows us for the rest of the pub crawl.

We also pick up more trail treasure at our next stop, the Hub. There’s actually quite a few locals in this bar and TMDD and Kitty Litter have the fine idea to sing “Alouette” to a fine local lady. She’s such a good sport! If strangers walked up to me and sang that I had blow-job lips and swinging tits, I’m not sure how I would take it.

We invade a kiddie fair and jump into a line serving free Red Baron pizza and give-aways to children under 12. Well! We act like we’re under 12! Doesn’t that count?? I have to admit some of the kids’ eyes get as wide as saucers when they spy our group. We’re free entertainment! Maybe not wholesome, but free!

By this point, I’m a bit tired of all the walking we’re doing. Are we there yet? Next stop: Gilligan’s. Well, looks like I’ve found parade central. There are tons of pirates and buxom serving wenches running around in this bar, which reminds me that I need to call my sis.

Gosh darn it! I’ve left my phone in TMDD’s car. I don’t know my sis’ phone number, so I can’t call her to tell her where I am. She’s gonna be so pissed at me. Fortunately, she has put out an APB on me. She’s alerted her fiance’s family to look out for a group of men AND women wearing red dresses.

When A (fiance’s sister) spots me walking through the parade staging area, she calls her brother over and says, “That’s R’s sister!”.

Of course, he doesn’t believe her. I would NEVER wear an outfit like that in public. He doesn’t know me very well, does he?

My sis chases me down and we are happily re-united. She wants me to walk in the parade. I refuse because I’m not going to walk more than I have to in these heels. Her fiancé refuses, also, cause he doesn’t want my attire to be seen by his family (understandable! In one week, I’m going to be parading myself down the aisle in a much more respectable manner. I don’t need any gossiping OR to be chased by horny old men – could that happen, sis?)

When is this pub crawl EVER going to end? I’m pooped. I think I’ve been to a total of 6 bars. This is a long-a$$ pub crawl. Until next year….

Recovery

Wow! Hashers have told me not to miss Hasher Humper’s and Spinal Tap’s recovery breakfast after the holiday party and are they ever right! What a spread! 2 whole baked hams, 2 roast turkeys, chili and cornbread, lil’ smokies, vegetarian pasta, delicious cheddar potato soup – man-o-man! And that’s just the meal! The munchies and morning-after drinks are enough to fill me up.

Pond Scrum nominates me for a violation:

“I’d like to violate LNDT for her dancing last night. I thought I was going to have to practice EMT since she looked like she was having a seizure, but no, she was just dancing.”

Strap Me Down! ....Part 2

Jack Off Lantern is a member and has rented the entire place out for us

I get strapped to the table. Different people blow raspberrys on my belly and tickle my feet. SCAB sticks a phallic-shaped object through the hole in the table between my legs. What have I gotten myself into?

Salt Lick Titties straps on a dick with margarita mix in it.

I change into my pjs cause I can’t keep the skirt from rising up and displaying my a$ anymore.

The Whore of Sarajevo is suspended from a bar and lifted into the air. She is then whipped.

Titly is lit on fire.

Fire in the Hole is flogged by Jack Off Lantern.

Takes it Up the Ehhhh grabs my a$$ with his vibrating gloves.

Wang has cut out holes in pants – his a$$ is hanging out.

Thong But Not Forgotten looks spectacular in her vinyl dress.

Hokie is in his cage and also gets strapped to the table.

Ode to the Midget

Me and the midget












Midget dancing with lovely ladies

Lemme tell you! This little guy is far from harmless! He's a pro in this club and when I dance with him, he spanks me. I like mine a little taller, thank you! But you other ladies, have at it!








Midget up front and center







She's giving him her phone #





....and a goodnight kisss....