440th EWH3 Hash

Just like last year, EWH3 has put together a “Choose Your Own Adventure” hash. Hashers have the choice of 3 trails with 2 different starting locations: 9-mile ball-buster starting at Tenleytown and working it’s way across the Potomac to Arlington, a “regular” 4-5 mile trail and a walker’s trail – both starting at Courthouse. I am running the regular trail – I am still not ball-buster material, especially now that I can barely run 5 miles without stopping.

Rant:

I’m partly at fault on this one, but I truly did not see any flour anywhere. We come out of the ravine underneath I-66 and navigate around an apartment complex. At the far corner, I spot a true trail arrow that appears to lead down the road. Unfortunately, under the cover of trees and darkness, I don’t see any flour on the sidewalk up until the next street. So like a good hasher, I investigate the surrounding area. I go down to the Custis trail to see if there are any marks on the bike path. None. I check the opposite sidewalk to see if the flour jumped to the other side of the road. Nothing. There’s about 10 of us lost at this point. What’s last resort? Use a cell phone to find the beer check. We’ve been stuck here about 15 minutes. Thankfully, we are able to contact the brew crew and get directions. Unfortunately, we discover that trail is marked on the trees – we just weren’t very good at spotting it. Uggghhh!! I hate when that happens!

Circle gets broken up – again! I wish this would stop happening. Apparently, we aren’t circling up fast enough as people are mingling for over an hour before we start circle. I don’t notice these trends because I don’t wear a watch, but I will admit that I seem to be leaving the hash later and later each week – or maybe that’s due to other reasons, hmmmm?

Transplanted Cousin

Well, I postponed it twice, but I finally meet my cousin for dinner tonight at Spices in Cleveland Park. It’s a fabulous sushi restaurant, so I highly recommend a visit. The long and short is that she is now working in DC, moved into an apartment with a college friend, and is probably going to break up with her boyfriend this weekend. Ahhh….to be 22 again! I remember those days!

Here P*ssy, P*ssy

I seem to be in the mood to spend money recently. What is my newest purchasing decision? A cat. Or rather 2 of them. Why cats? They’re pretty easy to take care of compared to dogs. Why now? I’ve always had animals in my life. It just took me this long to get over the death of my cat 2 years ago. Why 2 cats? Cause they’ll keep each other company during my working hours and on the weekends I travel to hashing events.

I’ve Made My Decision!

It’s taken me long enough, but today I finally have some free time to make the short jaunt over to Annapolis to test drive a Mini Cooper. This car is an absolute pleasure to drive! I take a few windy roads and play with shifting in and out of gears while going through turns – what fun! So, I custom-order the car as soon as I return to the dealer. Why? Apparently, 60% of cars purchased from Mini are custom builds. The dealership usually only stocks about 30 cars on the lot and many of those are custom-builds that a customer changed his mind about.

So what exactly did I get? A Mini Cooper S with the double-paned sunroof in dark blue with an interior to match. I threw in the upgraded sound system, a center armrest, mudflaps, and a boot box (otherwise known as trunk compartments). I’m told my car will arrive in 6 weeks. The countdown begins!

Song: Empty Space

I actually wrote this song around the end of last month, but as you can see, I’ve been quite delayed in posting. I actually considered it an unfinished work and then today decided it was meaty enough to complete. I fixed the rhythm (which was inconsistent) and assigned a chorus (which is again 2 stanzas). I can envision this as a rock power ballad if rock power ballads ever gain popularity again.

I wake up in the morning

And you’re not there

The space where you should be

Is empty and bare

Chorus:

It’s that empty space

That makes me bitter

Only your voice each morning

Keeps me centered

It’s that empty space

That invades my soul

Steals a piece of me

And obliterates all

I am bereft and forlorn

Without your heat

When it wraps around me

And throughout my sheets

Chorus:

It’s that empty space

That makes me bitter

Only your voice each morning

Keeps me centered

It’s that empty space

That invades my soul

Steals a piece of me

And obliterates all

How much longer

Must this go on

Where I wake up

And miss your form

Chorus:

It’s that empty space

That makes me bitter

Only your voice each morning

Keeps me centered

It’s that empty space

That invades my soul

Steals a piece of me

And obliterates all

For now I rely on memories

Of moments together

And ignore the emptiness

My soul has weathered

Virginia Derby and Busch Gardens: 25-ish Lessons Learned

1. Don’t be surprised when you’re nominated to be a hare 10 minutes before the hash is to begin. And don’t be surprised when you must drink for laying a sh*tty trail. However, you can earn a free, warm Sparks from Barcode B*tch if the trail is short and stroller-friendly.
2. Trust in your parking karma to score a sweet parking spot in front of the track. However, don’t expect to arrive at the entrance before the rest of the group when a passenger chooses to chug a Sparks upon arrival.
3. Don’t expect reliable advice from an expert horse agent for your gambling tips at Colonial Downs. Especially when they’re drunk.
4. Make sure you know HOW to place a bet when you approach the teller. If you say your bet incorrectly, you still have to pay for it. Didn’t want the 2, 4, and 7 horses in a trifecta? Too bad. Pay up.
5. Bring a lawn chair to the Virginia Derby. Most of the available stadium seating will be occupied by senior citizens.
6. Don’t exclude longshots from your betting. Just because they’re not popular betting choices, doesn’t mean the horses can’t run. And win.
7. It pays to know the beer wench. You can have all-you-can-drink beer for only $4.
8. If you grew up in the shadow of a gambler and spent your entire childhood at the racetrack, you are a hot commodity come Derby day.
9. Don’t expect to find a franchised restaurant on VA Rte. 17 north of I-64. There aren’t any.
10. Turkeys are mean sons-of-b*tches if you approach them. Avoid them whenever possible, but especially when they’re hissing at you.
11. Watching a black lab chase a turkey around a backyard and into the neighboring woods is the funniest sh*t EVER! Hearing the bird’s terrified squawks are the best part.
12. Stand near a male as a preventive measure from dancefloor stalkers. If that doesn’t work, then drag your significant other onto the dancefloor. Also, dancefloor stalkers are NEVER taller than 5’5”
13. Apparently, kissing your significant other while at a bar will encourage your best friend to score a playtoy for the evening. Cause who wants to be the third wheel?
14. If you lose your drunk hairdresser at the bar, don’t expect to find her again until the next morning. Paging her via the DJ and walking around the bar for a ½ hour will not locate someone that has left.
15. A guy does not have to be attractive in order to dance well. Or at least, he seemed attractive before he took his hat off.
16. Don’t ask drunk people to navigate. You may end up making more U-turns in 5 minutes than you usually make in an entire week.
17. Take a dump before your morning run or trust in your karma to provide a port-a-potty at Mile 1.
18. Don’t forget to tip your waitress for breakfast. Otherwise, you will get heckled by your friends for your mistake and be required to return to the diner to make reparations.
19. Military types get in free to Busch Gardens. But they still have to pay $10 for parking in an auxiliary lot that is a ½ mile from the main entrance. This exorbitant fee can be circumvented by driving directly to the lot rather than waiting in line at the main entrance.
20. Expect long lines at Busch Gardens. For everything. Including food.
21. Season pass ticket holders get discounts on everything including food and parking. And if you’re a VA resident, the season pass costs $54. If you don’t live in VA, you’re SOL.
22. Apparently, you can acquire the habits of your significant other which can include stuttering, whining, and thriftiness even as you’re trying to curb/train these habits.
23. If you’re gonna do something gay at Busch Gardens, do something that doesn’t occupy an hour of your 6-hour time schedule. Waiting for the Corkscrew Hill ride is NOT worth it. Especially, if it is your significant other’s favorite ride.
24. Second to Corkscrew Hill, the American Jukebox performance is the gayest show at Busch Gardens; the performers wear gay-colored jump suits with ruffled sleeves during the 70’s bit. What college kid would admit to performing this on their resume? At least there isn’t an hour-long wait, though.
25. When eating a smoked turkey leg, think of the 30-lb. turkey from the previous evening and look forward to slaughtering it come Thanksgiving.
26. Don’t be on top on the morning prior to your weekly long training run. Your knees will NOT forgive you.

Bars: Colonial Downs Racetrack, Saddle Ridge

Total Bar Count: 98

Total DC Bars: 50

Week 1: Long Training Run

Start time: 9:00am
Mileage: 2.49 miles
Time: 27:28
Temperature: 81 F
Terrain: Pretty flat pavement

Ugghhh! I SO do not want to get up this morning to run 4 miles. But I've got to. I'm certainly not gonna want to run 4 miles after I finish riding roller coasters at Busch Gardens. I should've gotten up an hour ago. It's so d*mn hot out! And I stayed up waaaaay too late last night at Saddle Ridge.

My knee is throbbing. That's all @ss's fault.

And when I get back to Hoover's aunt's house, Hoover tells me that she would've gone running with me. You friggin' said no!

D*mn! I certainly did wake up on the wrong side of the bed today. I'm extremely b*tchy. I hope its just because I'm tired...

Week 1: Training Run #3

Start time: 5:30am
Mileage: 2.00 miles
Time: 21:02
Temperature: 61 F
Terrain: Pretty flat pavement

God! How can I get up this early in the morning before the sun is even up? I have no choice today though. I've got to take my cousin to the airport and pack for VA Beach this weekend. At least it's over quickly.

And I won my bet with @ss. I got home before 11pm last night!

Week 1: Training Run #2

Start time: 8:00pm
Mileage: 3.00 miles
Time: 32:01
Temperature: 88 F
Terrain: Pretty flat pavement

An improvement of 20 seconds over yesterday. Who woulda thunk it?

Week 1: Training Run #1

Start time: 7:00pm
Mileage: 3.00 miles
Time: 32:24
Temperature: 84 F
Terrain: Pretty flat pavement

Not bad, but not great either. I've got a long ways to go in 12 weeks.

Water, Water, Everywhere

Being the quasi-domesticated person that I am, I freak out when I reach for some dishwasher detergent after washing dinner’s pots and pans and discover that my kitchen sink has sprung a leak. I immediately text my dad to have my favorite handy-man fix my problem. I then remove all my cleaning supplies from under the sink and begin to mop up the ½-inch tall puddle of water. Then I start the dishwasher. Bad move.

Water gushes out of the garbage disposal and back onto the area I had just mopped up before I manage to turn the dishwasher off. Great! I didn’t realize that the exit hose from my dishwasher fed into my kitchen sink. Fortunately, since I’ve located the source of my problem, I now know that I can use the left sink which doesn’t have a leaky garbage disposal unit.

Jeez! Am I glad I didn’t start my dishwasher this morning on my way to work! What a disaster I would have waiting for me when I arrived home!

Fortunately, my dad is free tomorrow and can come over first thing to replace my garbage disposal. Unfortunately, my dad has never replaced one before. Dad, this is on-the-job training for you. I’m sure it’s not difficult. And before you ask, no, my dad doesn’t do home repair or car repair work as a career. He just happened to build the house I grew up in by himself (well, except for the plaster work – which my uncle did).

Cousin In Town

So I got this phone call from my cousin last Friday, right? Since I’m the only person in my family left in the DC area (there used to be 3 of us here before 2 moved away), my cousin needs a place to crash while she is in town interviewing. She just graduated from that all-girls college, Smith, where so many females of my family went to college (I was accepted, but didn’t want to pay $30K/year to attend – it now costs $50K/year). Anyway, she’s an aspiring economist/mathematician/statistician, which in my mind means she needs to have more fun, but regardless, DC is the place to be if you aspire to those careers (except mathematicians – they can work anywhere).

Anyway, back to the subject at hand – she flies in tomorrow, but I forgot she was flying in. Oops! There go my plans to go to the SH*T hash and give Metro Ho her patches. At least it means I don’t have to do my 3-mile training run in the morning, though.

She’s staying for 3 days and will have to figure out public transportation quickly because I’m going to the hash on Thursday evening. Fortunately, she studied abroad in Scotland, so public transportation is not a foreign concept to her.

Week 1: Speed Session

Start time: 6am
Mileage: @1.63 miles
Lap #1: 2:00
Lap #2: 2:03
Lap #3: 2:06
Lap #4: 2:05
Temperature: 71 F
Terrain: High school track

Considering my inability to run in the past few weeks, I'm amazed that I perform as well as I do today. Maybe the fact that I'm motivated to perform well in my next half-marathon has something to do with it. Or maybe the fact that it is a mild 71 degrees outside.

New Training Schedule

Well, it’s that time again. I never got on the ball for training for the Half Mind Marathon, so I’ve abandoned that effort. However, the Baltimore Half-Marathon is 13 weeks away and I have planned the following schedule:

Mondays: Speed Session, Spinning, Hash (until Labor Day – Rest afterwards)

Tuesday: Cardio of choice, Abs, Training Run

Wednesday: Weight Lifting, Spinning, Training Run

Thursday: Weight Lifting, Abs, Hash

Friday: Training Run, Rest

Saturday: Rest

Sunday: Training Run

Of course, outside of the training runs and weight lifting, I can do as little or as much cardio as I please. I will provide a progress report weekly to ensure I’m staying on track. I will start my first week running 12 total miles and eventually work up to 23 total miles weekly by week eleven.

EWH3 Pub Crawl: 15 Lessons Learned

1. You don’t realize how hard it is to drink a 25oz can of beer before it gets warm. But I’m sure that shotgunning a Fosters is good training for the beer mile.
2. Always pack chalk. Even for a pub crawl. Especially when it starts at 12:30pm.
3. If you arrive late to a pub crawl, you still need to pay full price. Don’t like the policy? Take it up with the organizers.
4. If you must choose between a 9-block walk and a 2-stop metro ride when it is 90 degrees outside, choose the metro ride. You’ll sweat less that way. And maintain your buzz longer.
5. Don’t be surprised when wagers are laid on how long you will keep your top on in a Hooters restaurant. And especially don’t be surprised that Hermie wins the bet.
6. Just because there are no sizes larger than a medium at Hooters, doesn’t mean that you should buy it. Although wearing a shirt that ends 3 inches above your midriff is HOT.
7. If you are going to bring your own liquor to a bar, make sure the manager doesn’t see you pouring it into the glass of coke you just ordered. And if you get kicked out of said bar for performing said act, don’t expect the pack to boycott the bar for your actions. We’ll meet you at the next bar in an hour – have fun!
8. If you seat yourself at the bar, don’t be surprised if you must give up your seat to a gimp. Even if you are a girl.
9. If you decide to drink a frou frou drink like raspberry beer, expect most of it to be consumed by other hashers wanting a taste test.
10. If you get a request to show your tits, why refuse? You may lose an opportunity for a magazine spread. Right! Or you’ve just heard the world’s worst pick-up line.
11. If it’s not your beer, don’t drink it. Especially if it’s warm to the touch. And MOST especially if Hermie hands it to you. It’s probably not beer.
12. When the pub crawl is officially over at 8pm, don’t let that stop the pack from continuing the crawl. Onwards to the next hasher-friendly bar!
13. Keep your phone on vibrate mode in loud bars. That way you can help out-of-town hashers locate you without them needing to drive around Adams Morgan for 1 ½ hours looking for parking.
14. Hashers are caring souls that will take in other wayward, homeless hashers. Especially when they pass out in the street in front of the last bar.
15. If your name is Donnie the Retard, don’t be surprised when most hashers ask, “Do you have an 8-lb watermelon head?”

Bars: Cardinal’s Nest, Senators, Hooters, The Big Hunt, The Reef, Millie & Al’s

Total Bar Count: 96

Total DC Bars: 50

The Big Hunt doesn’t count since I have visited it previously.

Friday Night Mini-Crawl

Hoover’s back on the East Coast. She’s hanging outside of Richmond for the next month learning how to cook (actually, she already knows how to cook – she’s just finessing her technique). In any case, Beltway Bob’s is meeting up at Rustico in Alexandria and I direct her to meet up with me there.

Now Rustico is a bar with hundreds of beers on a level equivalent to the Brickskeller, but with more personality and a brighter atmosphere. I start off with a draft of Hefeweisen from who knows where (Germany maybe? something foreign for sure), then move onto a Belgian Raspberry before Chlorine starts feeding me shots and French champagne. Obviously, mixing our alcohols can produce no good. Fortunately for me, I stop with the champagne (for the most part), but Chlorine buys several more rounds.

At some point, we ask the bartender for a recommendation for a dance bar in downtown Alexandria and he recommends Two Hundred Nineteen (their spelling, not mine!). I’m partial to Rock It Grill for karaoke, but I accommodate someone who wants to try out the new bar (I really don’t remember, I’m quite happy at this point, you see?).

And just as we are getting ready to leave, Hoover finally shows up with her brother and his girlfriend in tow. Girl! Can’t you show up anywhere on time? She bitches at me for making her drive to Rustico when she could have stayed downtown, but in my defense, I told her a ½ hour earlier that we were getting ready to leave.

Anyways, Two Hundred Nineteen turns out to be a much smaller establishment than I envisioned it to be and not really much of a dance bar although the music isn’t horrible (they’re playing mostly 80s when we arrive), but we don’t have the juice to move onto another bar at this point and Chlorine won’t pass a bouncer’s inspection at the next bar.

So Hoover and I dance for a bit and startle the locals as we always seem to do (our specialty!). I escape this time without any hickies on my chest, though. I guess I just didn’t drink enough this time. We don’t stay long as we all plan on attending the extensive pub crawl the next day. We can party hard tomorrow!

Bars: Rustico and Two Hundred Nineteen

Total Bar Count: 91

Total DC Bars: 45

Calf Injury

High heels are hell and can hurt you. I’ve been waking up for the past nights with charleyhorses and they’re killer. I apparently need to eat bananas and stop wearing heels. The funny thing is that it doesn’t bother me when running. The blister on my pinky toe hurts worse. I found some stuff left over from one of my races which was some muscle balm containing menthol. I rubbed that stuff on my leg and massaged my calf for about 10 minutes. It helped a lot. Hopefully, my calf will feel better soon.

427th EWH3 Hash

I miss the runner send off. It’s no big deal as I’ve heard the trail is 6 miles long and I certainly don’t aspire to that level of participation today. I manage to catch up with the walkers and socialize on the way. Funny how I haven’t been running lately at the hash. What’s up with that?

In any case, the biggest excitement at the beer check surrounds the huge mud puddle that Plan B parks next to. This causes a bit of jostling from hashers trying to avoid stepping in it. Unfortunately for Shamrock, she doesn’t notice the puddle until her dog, Guinness, is completely immersed in it. To make matters worse, he tries to drink the dirty mud water and refuses to exit his puddle when she tugs on his leash. Well, at least he’s happy where he’s at, but I sure wouldn’t let him into my car afterwards.

At the end, Bow Chick-A Bow Bow and Bloody @sshole practice some kind of zen tag-team RA’ing effort. Not quite sure how they manage it, but they both handle different namings and violations. Which gets me to my next observation:

Spontaneous namings have become a regular part of our hash now. One “Just” allegedly brings 5 male v*rgins to the hash. So he gets a bukake for his violation. However, to make matters worse one of his v*rgins is wearing new shoes, so as a sponsor he is also required to drink from the v*rgin’s shoes. Now at this point, both the virgin and the Just are belligerently drunk while being iced.

I’m not quite sure what the Just told BA to set him off, but BA responds “I don’t care if you’re named Just Cupcakes”.

At which point, Areola chimes in, “Why don’t we name him that?”

So that’s what BA does. He names him Just Cupcakes. I wonder if he’ll ever return? Of course, considering the complaints made by the brew crew the next day, I’m betting the brew crew will not miss that crowd at all. They apparently treated the hash as a drink-it-all-as-fast-as-you-can celebration. Would it be unfair to point out that they appear to be military?

Bar: The Big Hunt

Total Bar Count: 89

Total DC Bars: 43

The Big Hunt doesn’t count because I have visited it previously.

1st Annual Dewey Beach Red Dress Run Hash and Running of the Bulls: 10 Lessons Learned

1. If you are going to stay at the beach and don’t want to pay $200/night for a hotel room, go camping. You wouldn’t believe how many campgrounds there are at and on the beach.
2. If you are unfamiliar with the local geography, contact someone who is familiar with it PRIOR to making a reservation for accommodations. You may choose a location that is on the opposite side of the Indian River Bay. It’s only 10 miles….but have you ever suffered through 10 miles of beach traffic?
3. Don’t be surprised when you get interviewed by local cameramen for wearing a red dress to a running of the bulls. However, they shouldn’t expect you to be coherent on film.
4. Don’t be surprised when non-hashers stick cameras up your red dress and take a picture. And are then disgusted by the twig and berries shot they collected. Also, don’t be surprised when chicks try to rip your dress off you. Men in red dresses are SO attractive. Didn’t you know?
5. If you decide to stay behind when your friends move on to another bar, don’t forget to collect your ID and money from them. Otherwise, you’ll spend the entire day trying to track them down and asking for donations to change out of a red skirt into new shorts.
6. The Bottle & Cork only accepts cash and does not allow ANY bags into their establishment. Don’t complain about the policy or the bouncers won’t let you in. Even if all your other hasher friends are already in the establishment.
7. Dewey Beach bars are all owned by Highway One Partners except for the Starboard. As a result, your choices of beer in Dewey are ONLY Budweiser and Bud Light. D*mn Anheuser-Busch’s exclusive contracts! The world at large does NOT enjoy drinking piss.
8. Remember that P.I.N.K. shots contain guarana, which is an energy drink ingredient. Don’t be surprised when your significant other keeps you awake all night due to an increased libido.
9. If a shot is served in a special shot glass that glows in the dark, confiscate the shot glasses for personal use. They’ll be real cool at camping trips.
10. If your cousin is a Dewey Beach meter maid, at least have the common sense to park in her district to avoid a parking ticket.

Bars: Starboard, Bottle & Cork, and The Rusty Rudder

Total Bar Count: 89

Total DC Bars: 43

426th EWH3 Hash

Cum Dumpling's favorite hash is being run again this year. We're hosting a Running of the Bulls hash which is a parody of the international event held annually in Pamplona, Spain on July 5th. The fun part of this hash occurs at end of the beer check where the hares chase the pack out of the beer check by throwing flour at them. Of course, some members of the pack are prepared and armed with rolled-up newspapers in order to smack the hares. It ends up being quite a fun interlude and since this is only 2nd year that we have re-introduced this tradition, many hashers will have forgotten how we did this in the past.

Funny, though, that Low Pressure Front comes dressed in a bull's costume. Apparently, he is trying to keep his identity a secret from everyone. Well, I certainly couldn't tell who he was. I only know because he has to sign-in with me.

And guess who's here! TOM is back from Afghanistan! Yay! I'm glad you're back, chickie! Hermie was not the same without you. He may deny it, but he was moping the entire time you were away and didn't want to go out partying at all.

I break out my pirate chalice for this hash. There must not have been too many EWH3 hashers that attended Durango this past February because no-one recognizes it. Of course, I didn't go either. I just know some people who know some people who went to Durango this year.

Bar: Ragtime

Total Bar Count: 86

Total DC Bars: 43