Put Those Away!

It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m heading to the DC ghetto to party in style. Party in style in the ghetto? Yep, you heard right. Rear End Loader lives on the brink of a full-blown hoodlum territory, within spitting distance of North Capitol Street (anything within spitting distance of that street is def ghetto). And his party? Black tie, baby!

Well, do I EVER have the best dress to wear! I’m wearing my $200 silk dress that I bought in Paris. I love wearing this dress! First off, the dress feels like pure sex against my skin. Second, it is the most flattering dress I think I have ever owned. Finally, and maybe most importantly, the neckline plunges to the middle of my chest.

When Obesiologist sees me he yells out,"My God, W! Put those things away! You're totally popping out of your dress!"

I look down and check my boobs. They're popping, but not popping out. Get over it, man! Haven't you ever seen boobies, before?

I take my shoes off because they are 3-inch stillettos and are killing my feet. I then realize I have a monster run in my pantyhose and take them off and throw them in the trash can. I narrowly miss Dano by an inch. Sorry, Dano!

Dano yells, "I thought you were going to give those to me, but I see that they were meant for the trash."

Dano, if you still want them, you can go digging in the trash - I'm sure those holey pantyhose will look great with your red dress next year.

I walk away from the couch and go into the kitchen to talk to some folks. When I return, I look for my stillettos, but they're gone. What??!! Where'd they run off to? At first, I think that someone moved them cause they were kind of in the way, but I look all over the house and ask all the guests if they’ve seen my shoes (I have to apologize, though, I was def a nuisance. I was NOT drunk, but when I get something stuck in my head, I sound like a broken record - a whiny broken record at that). My shoes have NEVER turned up! Who’s the wanker that can’t buy their own friggin’ shoes??!!

By the time I realize my shoes aren’t going to turn up, I’ve missed last train for metro. Oh well…what’s next on the agenda? A$$hole!

It’s my first time playing a$$hole (shocking, isn’t it? What the h*ll did I do in college, anyway? Oh, that’s right – I was a nerd). I make a major faux pas in the first round. Silly me! I somehow believe that by laying down 2 twos, and 2 kings will win me the round. Doesn’t do sh*t other than revealing my best cards to the other players. 3-2-1 F*ck Off has an absolutely shocked expression on his face. Dude! I’m not stupid! Just uneducated! I’ve got luck on my side, though. I’ve got a great hand. Have y’all picked up on the fact that I’m extremely lucky yet? I’m very good at games of chance (must be genetic – thanks Grandpa! Well, a good head for strategy doesn’t hurt either….).

Only 2 hours left until metro opens up. Lemme crash on the couch and walk out of the ghetto during daylight. Good idea!