I'm Not a DFL After All!!

Must be those super-athletic DC runners that make me look bad all the time, huh? I’m running with the Jolly Roger hash tonight and meet a different group than who was on the pub crawl on Saturday. Interesting checks at this hash. Clothing checks and titty checks. Haven’t encountered these checks before?

1. Clothing check – exchange an article of clothing with another hasher

2. Titty check – the first female to the check either solves the check or flashes a dude who solves the check for them

Well, there are lots of titty checks and I solve lots of them. Of course it helps that there’s only 4-5 girls running tonight.

I have to give a shout out to Tuppy from Stroke. And I meet yet ANOTHER WH4 alumni, Smells Like Fish, who wants to give a shout out to Fiddy and Duck Job.

The Castle

Tonight, my sis is out practicing her martial art, iado, and after tasking me with picking her maid of honor up at the airport, suggests that I head out for a night in Ybor City. She tells me that I should check out The Castle, which is a goth bar, but on Monday nights plays 80’s music.

The place only takes cash – well, I’m sticking to a budget tonight! My usual budget is my credit card limit (not that I ever spend that much – I usually am only capable of drinking $20 worth except when I buy rounds of drinks), but tonight it’s gonna be $35!

Let me tell you, this place doesn’t play any 80’s music I’ve ever listened to! They do play 80’s, but it’s REALLY obscure stuff by Rod Stewart and Duran Duran and Billy Idol.

TMDD shows up and makes fun of a SNL skit about Goth chicks. Too funny!

“I’m Aaaaahz-rai-el, and I’m from Taaaaahm-pa.”

Def entertaining people watching in this place. The people dance like robots. So, Pond Scrum, my dancing totally fits in here! No one is going to be concerned that I’m having a seizure in this joint!

My question is: How do goth people hook up in these joints? They seem so anti-touching. I didn’t see anyone that appeared to be dancing as a couple and certainly didn’t see any kissing. Even in regular bars, you at least see a guy with his arm around a girl. Things that make you go hmmmm…..

Maybe another field trip is in order??

On-On Traffic Sign

I spotted this altered sign in St. Petersburg. Hmmm...was this hasher work?

Animal Heads

Can someone please tell me what is so attractive about hanging animal heads in a living room? I'm down here in Tampa trying to enjoy my week-long vacation when my soon-to-be-brother-in-law pulls kudu and springbuck heads from his garage. Apparently, these lovely African deer just arrived from the taxidermist and their months-long trek across the ocean.

And what is he insistent that we do? The heads HAVE to be hung this moment.

My first worry is that he is going to kill himself trying to hang the darn thing and then I will have to deal with my sister (not that I don't love her, but placing himself in precarious places a week before the wedding is highly upsetting). My second worry is that once the thing is hung, it won't stay hung and will come crashing 10 feet down onto the floor. And to say the least, my future brother-in-law can be a bit of a bear when p*ssed.

So he does end up injuring himself when the kudu head falls off the wall onto his head leaving a big red mark. Now my sister is fretting that the red mark won't disappear for the pics next Saturday. Weddings!!

Tampa Red Dress Run

Since I got off the plane at midnight last night, today is my 1^st official day of my week-long vacation in Tampa to ensure my sister gets hitched properly. Fortunately, my sisterly duties don’t begin immediately – I have 3 days to do whatever I wanna do for fun. My sis does want me to participate in the Gasparilla Night parade tonight, though. Apparently, there’s lots of boobie flashing. Since my sis is one of my regular blog readers, she must think I enjoy that sort of thing. Sis, I don’t swing that way, but I have experienced lots in the last 8 months of hashing.

I’ve already hooked up with Tie Me Down D*ck (no, not that kind of hook up!) to get the low-down on Tampa hashing. He informed me last month that Tampa’s Red Dress Run would run on the same day as the Gasparilla Night Parade. Oh, boy! I love to have a full schedule! A parade and a red dress run in the same day!

So, when I get ready for the hash, I’m not in the mood to wear the red dress I packed (I know…what’s wrong with me?), so I put on a red t-shirt and red DC Full Moon shorts. At least I’m wearing red!

I’m dropped off at the parking deck and am immediately outraged that a hasher named Insane Clown P*ssy is wearing MY dress! (It does happen to be one of the most whorish outfits available on the internet, so I really shouldn’t be that shocked that someone else has one too.)

“Hey!! You’re wearing my dress! Look I have the exact same one right here in my bag.”
“What!! You can’t bring that dress to a Red Dress Run and not wear it. Put it on!”

So, just like at the DC RDR, I change in public while ICP helps strap me in.

While changing, I state, “My pants are around my ankles.”
Someone replies, “All women should dress that way.”

That would make for difficult walking….oh…what am I thinking?...of course, we won’t be walking with our pants around our ankles…

Our goody bags include $1.50 in quarters, a red dress pin, and four slips of paper that read, “Sexiest”, “Most Complete”, “Most Lip Prints”, and “Tackiest”. Our instructions are to hand out our slips of paper to the individuals that best merit the category. I hand my sexiest slip to my twin, ICP (I have to give him a prize for having such wonderful fashion sense!). Did you win, darlin’? I wasn’t paying attention. I don’t win any prizes myself, but I do make a good attempt for “Most Lip Prints”.

I’ve got to say this now… WH4 has infiltrated everywhere! Can one hash possibly spawn that many hashers? I didn’t quite realize it when I went to Tex/Mex cause there were only 2 ex-White Housers there, but after my intro at the Tampa RDR, I’ve realized that I can pretty much go anywhere and meet SOMEONE who used to hash with WH4. So who have I met?

True WH4 alumni:

1. Whore Moans – I’m supposed to give a shout out to WOWO and REV, cause she’s their hash mama
2. Leave It In Beaver

Ex DC-ers:

1. Dances with Dildos – an ex-DCer (Mount Vernon – I think)
2. Slim Prickens – is friends with PPE, but didn’t begin hashing until he moved to FL
3. Begs 2 Cum – originally from Columbia, MD, but I don’t believe he ever hashed in DC

Who else are interesting characters?




Nosediver wears a fire-patterned pimp hat that I SO want to steal (speaking of hats I want to steal – that fab red velvet pimp hat on the ski trip disappeared from my condo before I could walk off with it – what a shame!). His wife, Cockpit wins the Tackiest prize. Hops on Pops (isn’t there a Hops on C*ck somewhere in the hashing world? I keep calling her that all day) wears a lampshade on her head and brings a few virgins. Balls on a Barbed Wire has his hair tied into a million little mini-braids while walking around with his a$$ cheeks hanging out of his saloon girl outfit.

The $1.50 in quarters is to pay for public transportation. Yay! We get to terrorize innocent bystanders with our antics. As we wait at the bus stop, we garner lots of attention from passing motorists. Don’t crash your cars while y’all are taking those pics! Hashers are such media wh*res!

When our trolley finally arrives, the bus driver pretends like he will refuse to admit us aboard. He is rather shocked when one of the dudes plants cherry-red lips on his cheek, though. Hee hee. Told ya we were gonna terrorize people! More Sex is a songmistress for the hash and leads us in a rendition of the Everyday is Wednesday theme song (although Thursday isn’t a hashing day down here).

When we sing the line, “Friday is a f*cking day”, the bus driver announces over the speakers, “I like Friday.”

Now, TMDD is wearing a burka and has been pole dancing on the bus.

When the bus driver next announces, “State law requires that all hookers stand in FRONT of the white line”, TMDD runs up front and starts pole dancing for the bus driver.
The bus driver then says, “Never mind”.

Ahhhh…don’t you love people that get into the hashing spirit?!

Our first bar is a white patio-ed building within spitting distance of some arena. As we walk up to the building, we notice that approximately 20 police choppers are lined up outside. Hmmm…are we gonna get locked up before we properly begin drinking? I go inside to introduce myself to the 5-0. The coppers happen to be sitting down in a large group having lunch. They aren’t very interesting, so I return to socialize with the hashers. A group of hashers are molesting a statue of Captain Morgan (or is it the pirate Gaspar?) in the corner. We so LOVE inanimate objects!!

We next proceed to the Azalea Lounge, which I learn later is a gay bar. We have a jukebox at our disposal and TMDD programs it to belt out some tunes. More Sex really gets into the music and jumps on the bar to dance. Eventually, a group of us are dancing on top of the bar (including myself). Watch out for those lamp fixtures! They cost $1M!! The bartender yells whenever someone accidentally bumps into them. I’m applauded for great sucker (I mean lollipop!) technique while dancing. Why thank you!

We pick up some trail treasure at the Azalea Lounge. A dude walks in off the street and apparently likes seeing men in drag so much that he follows us for the rest of the pub crawl.

We also pick up more trail treasure at our next stop, the Hub. There’s actually quite a few locals in this bar and TMDD and Kitty Litter have the fine idea to sing “Alouette” to a fine local lady. She’s such a good sport! If strangers walked up to me and sang that I had blow-job lips and swinging tits, I’m not sure how I would take it.

We invade a kiddie fair and jump into a line serving free Red Baron pizza and give-aways to children under 12. Well! We act like we’re under 12! Doesn’t that count?? I have to admit some of the kids’ eyes get as wide as saucers when they spy our group. We’re free entertainment! Maybe not wholesome, but free!

By this point, I’m a bit tired of all the walking we’re doing. Are we there yet? Next stop: Gilligan’s. Well, looks like I’ve found parade central. There are tons of pirates and buxom serving wenches running around in this bar, which reminds me that I need to call my sis.

Gosh darn it! I’ve left my phone in TMDD’s car. I don’t know my sis’ phone number, so I can’t call her to tell her where I am. She’s gonna be so pissed at me. Fortunately, she has put out an APB on me. She’s alerted her fiance’s family to look out for a group of men AND women wearing red dresses.

When A (fiance’s sister) spots me walking through the parade staging area, she calls her brother over and says, “That’s R’s sister!”.

Of course, he doesn’t believe her. I would NEVER wear an outfit like that in public. He doesn’t know me very well, does he?

My sis chases me down and we are happily re-united. She wants me to walk in the parade. I refuse because I’m not going to walk more than I have to in these heels. Her fiancé refuses, also, cause he doesn’t want my attire to be seen by his family (understandable! In one week, I’m going to be parading myself down the aisle in a much more respectable manner. I don’t need any gossiping OR to be chased by horny old men – could that happen, sis?)

When is this pub crawl EVER going to end? I’m pooped. I think I’ve been to a total of 6 bars. This is a long-a$$ pub crawl. Until next year….

Recovery

Wow! Hashers have told me not to miss Hasher Humper’s and Spinal Tap’s recovery breakfast after the holiday party and are they ever right! What a spread! 2 whole baked hams, 2 roast turkeys, chili and cornbread, lil’ smokies, vegetarian pasta, delicious cheddar potato soup – man-o-man! And that’s just the meal! The munchies and morning-after drinks are enough to fill me up.

Pond Scrum nominates me for a violation:

“I’d like to violate LNDT for her dancing last night. I thought I was going to have to practice EMT since she looked like she was having a seizure, but no, she was just dancing.”

Strap Me Down! ....Part 2

Jack Off Lantern is a member and has rented the entire place out for us

I get strapped to the table. Different people blow raspberrys on my belly and tickle my feet. SCAB sticks a phallic-shaped object through the hole in the table between my legs. What have I gotten myself into?

Salt Lick Titties straps on a dick with margarita mix in it.

I change into my pjs cause I can’t keep the skirt from rising up and displaying my a$ anymore.

The Whore of Sarajevo is suspended from a bar and lifted into the air. She is then whipped.

Titly is lit on fire.

Fire in the Hole is flogged by Jack Off Lantern.

Takes it Up the Ehhhh grabs my a$$ with his vibrating gloves.

Wang has cut out holes in pants – his a$$ is hanging out.

Thong But Not Forgotten looks spectacular in her vinyl dress.

Hokie is in his cage and also gets strapped to the table.

Ode to the Midget

Me and the midget












Midget dancing with lovely ladies

Lemme tell you! This little guy is far from harmless! He's a pro in this club and when I dance with him, he spanks me. I like mine a little taller, thank you! But you other ladies, have at it!








Midget up front and center







She's giving him her phone #





....and a goodnight kisss....

Strap Me Down! ....Part 1

The annual WH4 holiday party – oh boy! It’s going to be held at the Crucible, which is a S&M club in South East D.C. It’s so ghetto that the out-going mis-management has hired buses to cart us from the Bottom Line at Farragut Park to the club all evening.

I don’t want to miss ANY of the action tonight, so I promise to early-bird it to the Bottom Line by 6:30pm.

Well, let me tell you that vinyl is not an easy fabric to wear (especially when the vinyl skirt I’m wearing barely covers my @ss to begin with). I drive to the metro station and before I can even get out of my car, my skirt has already hiked itself around my waist. Good thing I’m wearing pantyhose! To make matters worse, although I initially believe that my houndstooth coat will be able to mask my problems with my skirt, it actually is insufficient due to the splits both from the front and behind. No prob! Emergency red dress pajama pants to the rescue! Lemme just wiggle into them right here on the platform. Great! A scene has been averted!

I run into the Bottom Line and feel extremely out of place. Where’s all the S&M gear? I’m the only one wearing black? What’s up with that? On top of that, there are normal patrons in the bar and they don’t seem to understand that my red top won’t close and I can’t help it that my boobs are falling out of my bra. The girls are extremely impressed with my cleavage, though (I don’t know about the guys, they weren’t feeling my boobs).

Fire in the Hole pokes the top of my over-spilling boobs and states, “Excuse me. I just had a lesbian moment.”

No problem, chickie. Totally understandable!

Ahhh…finally someone else arrives in appropriate garb – Her She Kisses looks fabulous in her tight corset and miniskirt.

We hop on the school bus for the drive over to the Crucible and of course like all hashers do, we break out our renditions of “Jesus Saves” and “S&M Man”. Do I even need to state that the S&M man is totally apropos?

Now first things first, we receive our goody bag. What’s this? My flask is unavailable? Cause my name is offensive? Can someone please explain why Late Nite Drive Thru would be an offensive name? Some prison union couldn’t inscribe my name cause it was too graphic? I mean if the name is something like Free P*ssy’s, that I can understand, but Late Nite? Come on! Oh well, I guess I will get my flask eventually….

Oh lookie, what we got here! A midget! Serving beer! Wouldn’t the Austin hashers love to see this! We got a midget, we got a midget! And we didn’t have to scour Whore-EZ to have one either!

Cars! Cars! Cars!

Not that y’all are car enthusiasts, but the annual auto show is a great way to check out all the new model years in one place. Now I’ve been looking at 2-door coupes for the last 6 months and want to get a feel for what’s on the market.

I’ve always been a fan of the 350Z and Audi TT (the G35 is cute, too, but is practically identical to the 350Z since they’re built on the same chassis). Well, I come across some new cars to look at. The Scion Tc and the Saturn Sky are new entrants on my “Watch list”.

Of course, I can’t forget about the beautiful >$50,000 cars I refuse to buy.

Ferari

Bentley

Maserati?? Jaguar??

Wild a$$ paint job on a bike

Tabasco Shots

I’m improving as ha$h ka$h. Today, I show up early AND I print out the sign-in sheet. Yay! Once I develop a habit, I won’t EVER forget (actually, it’s pretty hard for me to forget anything, in general – why do you think my blogs are so detailed? – or maybe I’m just anal…).

D*mn! It’s the coldest friggin’ day for hashing ever! Where the hell is the beer van? It’s never taken this long for the brew crew to arrive before. Since it’s so cold, I never take my houndstooth coat or my grey floppy hat off after completing sign-in. I’m gonna run anyway – I don’t care that it adds 10 pounds to my frame.

Well, whattya know? I’m an oddity once again! As other hashers inevitably pass me, I receive passing remarks that I look like Inspector Gadget and Inspector Clouseau. Some just toot the Pink Panther theme while running past. I do have to say, though, that I do have a nose for finding (or creating) a story, don’t I?

I promise to be a whiner (since it’s so cold) and I am one. Fizzy violates me for whining. Didn’t you have anything better to say than that? After I finally got round to buying haberdash crap from you and all, too! What did I buy? Oh, just an On-In thong and a flask. Very important gear for hashing!

Since it’s so d*mn cold out (are y’all getting the picture yet?), the circle closes up a bit early to head to the bar. We’re at Ragtime today. Not a bad place – it has a back room to segregate the hashers from the normal people. Seems like we’ve been going to a lot of bars like that recently. Not that I really mind, but sometimes we can get some good recruiting going on by associating with the locals. Ah, well…

3-2-1 makes a big show of opening a ketchup bottle while grunting loudly. The fun doesn’t end there, though. Can’t F*ck Dust pours Tabasco sauce directly on his tongue and then starts this loud “Yeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh” yell. WTF?? Is this something new that I’ve been missing out on? But the fun doesn’t end there…

A cup is filled with Tabasco, beer, salt, and pepper. Who the hell is going to drink this concoction? Oh look…a Just is volunteering. Why’d you do that man? Crazy mo-fo! I’m not even sure I’ve seen you around before this hash. The spirit must have entered him (of hashing, that is). Hashing sure does make people do the darndest things, doesn’t it?

Irresponsible Ha$h Ka$h

Wow! Way to start the new in-cumming mismanagement hash off right. Today I have my 1^st official duties as ha$h ka$h and I have 2 responsibilites:

1. Bring the sign-in list
2. Show up on time

Well….I fail on both counts.

I’ve been so busy this week at work (it always happens when you take a day off! But I won’t regret going to Tex/Mex, ever!) that it completely slips my mind that I need to print the sign-in sheet. No worries, I have an On Sec, right? Wrong! The On Sec, Cum Dumpling, forgot to bring the binder with last week’s sheet with him. Oh Sh*t! Emergency call to the old ha$h ka$h, KP – whew! KP has it under control.

Now I may not have mentioned this before, but OFE has been renamed to Kandy Panties and shall now go by the not-so anonymous acronym, KP. Sorry, dude! I dislike the use of nerd names, but I can’t help the fact that your name and your hash name are the same initials.

Now why isn’t this train moving? I’ve been sitting at Tenleytown metro for 10 minutes. What the hell is going on? D*mnit! Not only have I f*cked up once, but now the d*mn red line is causing me to f*ck up again! A ride that should only take me 20 minutes ends up taking 45! Such drama! Well, I have 51 more weeks to go, so I’m sure I’ll improve!

As far as running is concerned, I have been performing extremely poorly recently. I think it may be the shoes. I bought them shortly after I started hashing, so it’s probably time for a new pair. I lose trail while running through an apartment complex, but see the rest of the pack running up on I-66 in the distance. I run straight for them, but once I get closer, I realize that there isn’t any way for me to reach the highway from where I’m at. Fortunately, luck is on my side! I run into Cleo (a hare) and I’d Do Er while running parallel to I-66, and learn that the beer check is at Toothfairy’s house. Not that I know how to get there, but Cleo has a map and can show us the way.

Whenever we hash in Rosslyn, we always manage to run at least once across the Key Bridge. Today is no exception. And have I mentioned how fast the pack is tonight??!! I shortcut with Toothfairy and Fire in the Hole and the pack still manages to beat us across the Key Bridge. Well…all that time we saved, doesn’t mean jack cause when we arrive at our ending circle, a cop is sitting in his cruiser reading a book. So we loiter around for a ½ hour until he moseys along his way.

Our naming tonight is Sweet Ho Alabama. About time, girl! You know how many times you’ve been called to be named, but you left the ending circle early?

Afterwards, at the Rhino bar, I’m taught how to drink from two bottles that I hold in the same hand. It’s all in the twist and the angles. Not hard to do at all! Gonna practice this skill again whenever I get an opportunity to two-fist!

Since I had a pretty energetic weekend and really haven’t recovered yet, I leave the bar early at 10:30pm with the hope that I can get some extra sleep. However, the transfer at Metro Center takes so long that I end up falling asleep on the train.

I wake up while the doors are closing at Bethesda, and go “Oh Sh*t!”

When I get off at Medical Center, I’m informed that there are no more trains heading downtown. I will have to walk 1 ½ miles back to downtown Bethesda. It’s not a long walk, it’s a warm night, and Bethesda is one of the safest towns in Maryland. No worries. I’m just not going to catch up on that extra sleep I need.

Send Me Tex/Mex Pics!

Where the hell are they? I know people took pictures! I've got e-mail! Look at my profile and send me whatcha got. Is It In Yet? I know I saw you snapping pics! I want pictures - send them to me! Links, files, whatever you got!

Where are the pics of the butt scrabble? and many 3-man games?

Tex/Mex: Addendum

I have so much material from Tex/Mex that I couldn’t logically fit it all into my other postings. Also, I have a couple of stories that are pure hear-say, but relate to an incident at the WH4 Holiday party on 1/28 (further details to cum!).

Random conversation:

Harrierette #1: “I have a rash from the hot tub seats. That concrete is textured.”
Harrierette #2: “No kidding! It destroyed my bikini bottoms. They’re all pilly now.”
Harrierette #3: “Then I guess it’s a good thing that I’ve been sitting on somebody else’s lap every time I’ve climbed in!”

Another random conversation:

“You’re so quiet today.”
“Guess I’m tired from staying up late.”
“Well, if staying up late makes you quiet, tomorrow you’re gonna be dead silent!”

Concerning midgets:

I finally meet @ss Gagger after the a$$hole trail. It took me long enough! We’re playing 3-man (like always!) and I ask her why she wasn’t at the bikers & babes hash the evening before. Well! Apparently, she and a few other Austin hashers decided to hunt down a midget prostitute in Whore-EZ.

I can’t describe my take-away from the conversation, but those in the know will understand the expression and the accompanying hand movements for “little sausage fingers”. Now this is a big give-away on my activities on 1/28 (which occurs 2 weeks after Tex/Mex), but let’s just say a midget plays a BIG part in that day’s blog – more details to arrive! I can’t tell y’all how many times Bleeder and I shouted “little sausage fingers” and wiggled our scrunched up hands in preparation for the WH4 midget.

Concerning Viagra:
And I don’t think I ever met Ticketmaster. But Bleeder told me this story about how he took Mexican Viagra and it made him sick. Hmmm…apparently, this is normal behavior for him….

Other random thoughts:
And DOF! What happened to you? I walked with you for a bit in Whore-EZ, but other than that I didn’t see you all weekend. I did hear about your Hall & Oates Tour 2006, though. D*mn! I wish I hadn’t chickened out from the cold hot tub on Day 3!

Finally, Bleeder and I put a lot of prep-work into singing the White House theme song. We (along with Royal Flush) gave a rousing rendition. Gotta give props to the mother hash!

Tex/Mex: Day 3 – A$$hole Trail

Yet again, I’m a late riser and miss breakfast. Well, nothing better than a bacon cheeseburger from Jack in the Box to get my day started right! And look who’s also ordering food at Jack in the Box? Liqueur Hard! I’m making a habit of running into her first thing in the morning. Must say something about the hours we keep…

Oh, and I’m not too late to witness the Butt Scrabble! How entertaining! Some of those butts, though, need a few more rays. And who's the dude that's always flashing his junk? Dude! I’m sure the girls will like you without needing to see the size of your pecker…

Those crazy a$$holes leave at 12:20pm to start their 12-mile trek around El Paso. Have at it, peoples! It ain’t worth it for a stinkin’ t-shirt, in my mind. But all y’all that are capable, good luck to ya! I’m gonna stick to the much kinder 6-mile semi-a$$hole trail, thank you very much!

Unfortunately, our hare, Hose Handler fails to give us a chalk talk. As he runs off, the only instruction he provides is that we need to follow the orange flour, not the A$$hole trail flour, which is blue. Let me just explain how confusing this trail was for us to follow. Since we have no idea how many dollops of flour is “on”, we’re never sure we are on trail until we hit another check. To make matters worse, it hasn’t rained in El Paso, so we keep running into pack marks from hashers that are not on the semi-a$$hole, and keep finding blue flour, which makes us concerned that we somehow are following the 12-mile a$$hole trail.

The first major hang-up occurs when we approach the beer check from the wrong direction, and as a result, spend a ½ hour looking for a trail we’ve already traversed. Then as we are going down a hill, we hit a back-check 6 down a dead-end street. 4 dollops of flour take us back to the main road, while 6 take us take us back up the hill to the last intersection. Hose Handler miscounted! We spend 20 minutes searching for a trail on a dead-end road that doesn’t exist! It isn’t until I go down the hill past the back check that I discover that the trail continues down the hill.

We finally arrive at the end and discover that the a$holes still haven’t made it in. Gosh! They started an hour before us! Where could they be? Hose Handler calls Porta-John to find out his location. He’s 5 miles from the end! Those a$$holes aren’t gonna finish til it’s dark outside.

While we’re waiting for the a$holes to arrive, Liqueur Hard tells me that she drank so much the evening before it caused her to puke up her Jack in the Box breakfast. You know, hangovers and greasy fast-food breakfast food really don’t mix. Liqueur, you should know better! Also, somewhere along trail, she finds a “Police Line: Do Not Cross” tape and straps it across her hips.

I ask her, “Why are you wearing that?”
She replies, “A crime was committed here last night.”
“Wait a minute! I thought you didn’t get laid.”
“That’s the crime, which also means I’m not pregnant and didn’t have morning sickness this morning.”

As if! She is too much!

Now I’m starting to get mighty hungry and Hose Handler starts describing the variety of food that they have been serving throughout the weekend. Unfortunately, I have not eaten a single meal that I bought and paid for with my rego. Jeez! I haven’t even registered! Where’s my goody bag? He tells me that Bloody Mary’s and Margarita’s have been available all weekend for consumption.

“Bloody Marys? Where have I been? I need to start getting up earlier.”
Hose Handler replies, “Quit showing up at noon for breakfast, and maybe you could have some.”

Finally! An hour later, the FRBs, Brownie and C’Em Cummin’ arrive. Nothing like a nice 4-hour run to make your day, isn’t it? Am I glad I didn’t run that bad boy!

Tex/Mex: Day 2 – Biker & Babes Party

So what am I gonna wear to be a biker babe? Well, what could be more appropriate than Fagnostic’s infamous red vinyl dress from the DC Red Dress Run? I certainly look like a biker babe, but I def stand out from the crowd. Everyone’s wearing black!

Hose Handler comes up to me and states, “You look like a fire truck. Can I ride you?”

Dude! No, you can’t! Although it’s a hilarious pick-up line! You’ll always hold a special place in my heart for that one!

Is It In Yet? (who has seen me in this dress before) stares at my tits for a full minute and then looks up, “Oh…hey! It’s you, Late Nite.”
“I thought you would at least recognize the dress.”
“At least I looked at your face.”

Man! If you can’t recognize the body in this dress, you need your eyes examined!

Brownie is wearing a bicycle helmet, instead of the requisite leather in everyone else’s get-up. Go figure! Why am I not surprised he has chosen a different definition for a biker? My prize for best-dressed goes to High Beams. She looks outstanding in her a$$-less chaps and thong underwear. I have to admit – that woman has a fantastic body! I’m green with envy…

And Brownie finally recalls that his 12-pack of Yuengling still resides in my hotel room. Took him long enough! So we perform an exchange. Now I get to try the Tito’s vodka! With Red Bull! Def need that pick-me-up! C’Em Cummin’ partakes in the Red Bull and vodka too. Lord a-mercy! The hash doesn’t need two hyperactive individuals bouncing around the party room!


As soon as we return to the party room, superheroes arrive wearing only thongs, capes, and masks. How fun! One is P*nis Colada, who is an awesome hasher! Such a fun girl! And look who another is! Rain Blows! I met him back in the summer at the Bethesda hash with the oyster check. He’s from Sembach, too! I’ll have to tell Hoover Daaaam and Catch-Her in the Thighs that I’ve run into him (wearing nothing but a thong, no less!).

Tex/Mex: Day 2 – Whore-EZ

Well, on my first night in Texas, I’ve lived up to my hash name – Late Nite. I’m such a late riser that I’ve completely missed breakfast. No big deal! There’s always the Kings X’s down the block. How’s some Mexican food first thing in the am? or in this case, for brunch?

Just enough time for a leisurely breakfast and a quick change into my running gear, so that I can make the last U-Haul trip into downtown El Paso. U-Haul? Yep, you heard right! Although crossing the border in a U-Haul is illegal (not that wouldn’t stop hashers), the El Paso mis-management thoroughly believes that no hasher should pass up this experience (it’s also an extremely frugal method of transportation) for the Whore-EZ hash (or Juarez for you non-Tex/Mex initiates).

I run into Liqueur Hard again in the back of the U-Haul. She is such a trip! She tells me all about the previous evening’s antics in the hot tub (she must have been able to endure more than 15 minutes – it was too hot for me!). Why am I not surprised? Throw 20 naked people in a hot tub and some sort of rowdiness is bound to occur!

When we finally disembark in downtown El Paso, I run into a hung-over Brownie.

I ask him, “Where’d you go last night? I returned to the hot tub with your 12-pack of Yuengling, but you were gone.”
Brownie replies, “You mean I didn’t drink it? I was afraid I drank the entire 12-pack and couldn’t remember it.”

(cause it would be a real shame to drink Yuengling and not savor the experience!) Dude! Were you that drunk?

Of course, he’s not the only one that’s hung-over. My head is splitting! Must have been those d*mn Jager shots! How many of them did I drink, anyhows? Since my head is hurting, I have no desire to drink anything alcoholic, even though the game of 3-man at the beer check is highly tempting. Fortunately, C’Em Cummin’ has Aleve on him. Hand that over quick! Ahhh, drugs!

Now up until this point, I haven’t described my attire, but I’m wearing turquoise shorts, a MD sweatshirt, and my floppy hat. Why the hat? Cause my hair was being stubborn this morning and wouldn’t cooperate. When I take my hat off at the beer check (big mistake!), Bleeder (the DC one, of course – there are two in El Paso this weekend) and Is It in Yet? see my horrible case of hat head.

Is It In Yet? says, “That looks like more than hat head – that looks like just been f*cked hair.”
Bleeder replies, “Look at her! It IS just been f*cked hair!”

Says who? Haven’t you seen what hot tub water can do to curly hair? Look at poor Multipal Horse-gasm – her hair turned green from the hot tub!

Since the trail through Whore-EZ has been kind of long and I’ve built up an appetite, I join a group that are going to a local restaurant with wonderful steak and lobster. Yum! However, it takes forever for us to get seated and C’Em Cummin’, UPS, and I have to send our steaks back cause they’re not cooked right.

We go around the table and explain the meanings behind our names, but as I discover repeatedly this weekend, the G-rated explanation for my name isn’t good enough. Click here for the story behind my naming. I think the most interesting name at the table belongs to Multipal Horse-gasm. Let’s just say she has a piercing that permits her to enjoy her name….and she likes horses….need I say anymore?

By the time we arrive back at the hotel, most of us are beat and want to take a long nap. We have a couple hours until the bikers and babe party and we’re gonna need our rest in order to party the night away!

Tex/Mex: Day 1 - Lads & Lassies Pub Crawl

Squeezin', you bastard! This is what my drafts look like...don't you wish that you can wait for me to edit this bad boy? I ain't posting any more until I've edited this crappola - it's all out of order and doesn't flow right - does that make me a perfectionist?

Little Dinghy picks me up at the airport and plays the Tex-Mex El Paso song for me
I go outside in the frigid air with my plaid skirt and tank top and a winter coat
When I walk into the bar the first person I recognize is C’Em Cummin
Bleeder finally shows up.
I meet Royal Flush who is also an ex-White Houser.

TNT and P*ssy-whipped try to suck on each tit. TNT tries to buy me a drink, so that I will be more amenable to their attentions. Thanks, but uhhh….no thanks. I get the opportunity to witness more dick baring than I’ve witnessed in ages. Yes, I know! The purpose of kilts is to not wear any underwear. Well, guess what? I’m not wearing any underwear either! But I’m not flashing my cooch to anyone!



I go downstairs to listen to the outstanding band. While I’m standing next to Bleeder, I look to my left and whattya know? Is that Day Old Fish? Yep, sure is! And lookie loo! Here comes the infamous Brownie! And you know what’s the first thing out of his mouth?

“Wanna do a Jager shot?”
“Sure!”

Now I like Jager, but it’s usually something that I do not consume heavily. Tonight, I know I have at LEAST 3 shots. Recipe for disaster! I am totally lit. I’m dancing (as always), but who knows who I’m dancing with. C’Em Cummin’ pulls me off the dance floor and he and Brownie recommend a return to the hotel hot tub. Ooohh…a hot tub? Yes, please!

I go back to my room to retrieve the 12-pack of Yuengling that I brought for Brownie. I go back out to the hot tub, but Brownie has disappeared. The hot tub occupants want the beer, but I hold firm. Nope, this beer is for Brownie – I’m taking it back to my room.

People I know from DC Red Dress: B-Flat, Is It In Yet?, Liqueur Hard, High Beams
Now, Liqueur Hard, I never met at DC Red Dress, but I heard about her.

I tell her that and she asks me “What did you hear about me?”
“I’m friends with a mutual acquaintance of yours: Motormouth”
“Oh my gosh! You know Motormouth?”
“Yep, sure do. Were you the person that he threw over his shoulder and ran around the lingerie run over his shoulder?”
“I don’t think that was me”

Who's the Pervert?

My sister wants to have a tame bridal shower. Fortunately, one of her bridesmaids, J, has other ideas. My sis does have one rule: No male strippers! Hell! You don’t need men to have a good time! That’s an easy rule to follow.

First stop: a tea room. How cute! I love tea (I drink gallons of it at work), and this is such a novel idea (very girlie girl, too – Oh! Cut me a break! I have my moments!). I have one complaint, though. This is not a dinner joint. Sis, I def have higher caloric needs than you – don’t make me starve cause you’re not hungry. I mean, come on! You can’t expect that a little cucumber sandwich and a scone will satisfy me? (Maybe that’s the reason I’m always a DFL – I eat too much?)

Final stop: Sis’s house. Sis made homemade guacamole and white sangria (stuff is powerful!), while J brought pear vodka (good stuff!). J passes out the goody bags for us – and they’re naughty goody bags! Everyone’s bags have the standard fare: flavored lubes, massage lotions, and best of all! – a straw with a penis-shaped end. Most of the women are pretty shy, but hasher that I am (and bad influence on my sis), I encourage her to drink her sangria using the penis straw. I, of course, follow suit – you can’t ask someone to do something you wouldn’t be willing to do yourself!

Once we get good and liquored up, I introduce the next bridesmaid game: Who knows my sis best? The purpose of the game is for each participant to tell 3 stories about my sis. One should be false and two should be true. Wanna know what the stories I told are?

1. My sister is a true animal lover. She kept all kinds of pets growing up: dogs, cats, horses, a lizard, and a couple of snakes. She even made no distinction between vertebrate and invertebrate pets cause she even kept a pet slug!
2. My sister set our grandparent’s horse pasture on fire during a campout. She invited a bunch of college friends over and one of them threw a bottle of liquor on the campfire which exploded and spread the fire across the pasture.
3. My sister used to sharpen her nails into dagger points in order to practice her cat-pouncing skills on our brother.

My sis is interesting, isn’t she? Or maybe I’m just prejudiced. Guess which one is false?

J introduces the next game, which she purchased in a sex shop. It’s called Pervert. It’s basically the game “Have You Ever” with a board to track your progress and pre-printed questions on a deck of cards. K, sis’s college friend wins the game, but A’s little sister (who’s 15) isn’t far behind – what’s with kids these days? 15 is WAAAY too young to be THAT experienced. K is ashamed to be the pervert – why chickie? This is all gonna stay between us and I certainly don’t care what you’ve been up to. Enjoy yourself!

Strip Club City

My sister is getting married next month to her fiancé, A, and this weekend her bridesmaids are getting together for a bridal shower/bachelorette party. Well, I’m her sister, so of course, I’m a bridesmaid.

I haven’t been to Tampa in several years, so I def perk up when my sis drives down Dale Mabry. Wow! Strip Club City! There is neon all over. I don’t think I’ve seen so many strip clubs in such a short radius outside of Vegas.

My sister tells me a story of a bachelorette party she went to a couple of years ago:

Apparently, the bride was determined to go to a male strip club. They called 411 to find out where one was in Tampa (411? Okay…but that wouldn’t have been my first choice. I’d call a female strip club).

The name of the strip club that 411 found? The Male Room. And guess what? The strip club is a gay strip club! Now, my sister doesn’t have any issues with visiting gay clubs cause I lived with gay men in college and gave her a primer on gay night clubs by dragging her out along with my housemates (Okay! Okay! So I did party a bit in college – just not a bunch). I took my brother too, but that was dangerous cause he was underage (and apparently, a hottie to gay men). Sorry, bro! I hope I didn’t scar you for life!

In any case, some gay clubs are hostile to women. Badlands is one in DC. Well, the Male Room is one in Tampa. Did these bachelorettes care? Hell, no! Even with the gay men giving the bachelorettes the evil eye, those bachelorettes pulled out their $1 bills and stuffed them in the male strippers’ thongs. In fact, the bachelorettes ended up scaring the gay men away and closing the place down. That’s my sis! Go girl!

In any case, the Male Room is also located near Strip Club City. When we pass it by, though, the only sign on the bar is a flashing neon sign that displays, “Parking in Rear”. Wow! Is that a pun or what?! LMAO!!

Do We Belong in this Joint?

I am not wearing the proper running gear tonight. Sure, I’ve got my spandex pants and running shoes, but I’m wearing the most inappropriate sweater possible. My house is a disaster cause I haven’t done any laundry and I pulled out the thinnest, most holey sweater (without looking) from my drawer (cause all the warm ones were already dirty).

Ain’t got any choice. Regardless of how I feel, I gotta run to keep warm. I am SO not in the mood….typical female!

Railroad tracks. Ooohhhh…..how fun! You know, I think I actually run better on the gravel than I do on pavement. Wonder why? Any y’all more experienced runners got an answer for that one?

During the beer check, George Stuffed an Octopus calls me Becky. What? Dude! My name ain’t Becky!

“I’m gonna violate your a$$ for not only improper hash name etiquette, but for calling me by another girl’s name….in bed!”

I had to throw the “in bed” in there! Doesn’t that hash violation sound better that way? Sort of like the way you open fortune cookies and add the “in bed” to your fortune – much more interesting that way!

During the second half of the trail, we run through a section of Southeast. As usual, the kids in the streets are asking us why we’re running. You know, I’ve noticed a trend here…Why is it that when we run through the nice neighborhoods there are never kids in the streets? Don’t kids play outside anymore? Or do the nice neighborhood kids have more electronic toys? Hmmm….

While I’m in the ghetto, I’m behind the main body of the pack and start to cross a park. I slow down for a moment to catch my breath. As I enter the park, a police car pulls up. I ignore the cop car, but when I see my shadow on the ground in front of me I realize that the cop’s spotlight is on me. I turn around and am floored! The cop is 10 feet behind me on the sidewalk. How the hell did he get so close to me without me noticing? Is he looking out for my safety? Or does he think I’m a crack wh*re?

To the say the least, I run to catch up with the rest of the pack. I don’t want to get detained!

It’s a bit nipply out tonight, so I put on my white fuzzy hat and houndstooth coat. Last time I wore my white hat, I was violated for killing a Yeti. This time, I’m told I look like an English nanny. An English nanny? Am I really that much of a stick in the mud? I think not! The on-on-on is at the Market Inn. WTF?? The patrons in this joint have a pianist playing for the bar. This is the quietest bar I’ve ever been in. Of course, the restaurant doesn’t allow us to mingle with their regular patrons. No! I guess hashers aren’t good enough for them. They stuff all 50 or so of us in one of their back rooms away from everyone else.

The food smells delish as soon as we walk in, but the prices! The cheapest entrée on the menu is $18! The beers are going for $6.30. At least they’re serving 2 pints worth in a glass! I’m playing sober tonight – like most nights. Did y’all know I’m not a true hasher? Yep, it’s true. I hardly ever drink beer at the hash (Liquor’s better! I’m hardcore!). I’m a social hasher. I do it for the people (pun! pun!). Just Alex and Just Peter pick me up by each leg and hoist me between them. I’m wearing very low-cut jeans today and am trying to adjust myself so that I don’t display any plumber’s crack when D*ck Tac Dough jumps between my spread legs and pretends he’s gonna snack on me. Dude! You’re funny, but you’re crossing the line tonight! What’d I tell you last week about that kind of behavior?

Slacker!

Yes, I am just not motivated - wanna read my notes? I've actually typed up my crazy brainstormed thoughts (I have 5 posts I need to edit), but I don't think y'all want to see this stuff in the draft form...

To say the least I had a whirlwind weekend, but I ended up crashing early - What? No hashing on Sunday? I really wanted to go! Really, I did! But I woke up at 2pm (the hash started at 2pm) and wasn't exactly relishing a drive to Northern VA. So, I stayed home and watched NFL football without a hashing crowd. Yay, Redskins! (I'm not exactly a fan, but I've lived in DC long enough that I'm happy they won.)

Don't worry! I'll post something....

Put Those Away!

It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m heading to the DC ghetto to party in style. Party in style in the ghetto? Yep, you heard right. Rear End Loader lives on the brink of a full-blown hoodlum territory, within spitting distance of North Capitol Street (anything within spitting distance of that street is def ghetto). And his party? Black tie, baby!

Well, do I EVER have the best dress to wear! I’m wearing my $200 silk dress that I bought in Paris. I love wearing this dress! First off, the dress feels like pure sex against my skin. Second, it is the most flattering dress I think I have ever owned. Finally, and maybe most importantly, the neckline plunges to the middle of my chest.

When Obesiologist sees me he yells out,"My God, W! Put those things away! You're totally popping out of your dress!"

I look down and check my boobs. They're popping, but not popping out. Get over it, man! Haven't you ever seen boobies, before?

I take my shoes off because they are 3-inch stillettos and are killing my feet. I then realize I have a monster run in my pantyhose and take them off and throw them in the trash can. I narrowly miss Dano by an inch. Sorry, Dano!

Dano yells, "I thought you were going to give those to me, but I see that they were meant for the trash."

Dano, if you still want them, you can go digging in the trash - I'm sure those holey pantyhose will look great with your red dress next year.

I walk away from the couch and go into the kitchen to talk to some folks. When I return, I look for my stillettos, but they're gone. What??!! Where'd they run off to? At first, I think that someone moved them cause they were kind of in the way, but I look all over the house and ask all the guests if they’ve seen my shoes (I have to apologize, though, I was def a nuisance. I was NOT drunk, but when I get something stuck in my head, I sound like a broken record - a whiny broken record at that). My shoes have NEVER turned up! Who’s the wanker that can’t buy their own friggin’ shoes??!!

By the time I realize my shoes aren’t going to turn up, I’ve missed last train for metro. Oh well…what’s next on the agenda? A$$hole!

It’s my first time playing a$$hole (shocking, isn’t it? What the h*ll did I do in college, anyway? Oh, that’s right – I was a nerd). I make a major faux pas in the first round. Silly me! I somehow believe that by laying down 2 twos, and 2 kings will win me the round. Doesn’t do sh*t other than revealing my best cards to the other players. 3-2-1 F*ck Off has an absolutely shocked expression on his face. Dude! I’m not stupid! Just uneducated! I’ve got luck on my side, though. I’ve got a great hand. Have y’all picked up on the fact that I’m extremely lucky yet? I’m very good at games of chance (must be genetic – thanks Grandpa! Well, a good head for strategy doesn’t hurt either….).

Only 2 hours left until metro opens up. Lemme crash on the couch and walk out of the ghetto during daylight. Good idea!