F*cked Stupid

I wake up this morning to the sound of my phone ringing at 8:15am. It’s grammy.

She tells me, “I just wanted to let you know that if you call us while crossing the Bay Bridge, you need to let the phone ring because we’ve got to run to the other side of the house to answer the phone.”

Grandma! Couldn’t you have waited until later to call me and tell me that??!! And don’t ask me to explain my grammy – there’s no such thing as technology in her house.

I struggle with trying to go back to sleep for a couple of hours, but eventually give up. I pack my bookbag and leave determined to arrive at grammy’s house for a relaxing shower (great pressure with wells, you know!), a nap, and some turkey.

I jump in my car and dial up OFE to see how he survived the evening since he left with an extremely trashed Haystack. That’s my first mistake! He always encourages me to do what’s bad and what’s worse is – I always listen to him! In this case, he suggests that I delay my departure to grammy’s house by attending the hash first. Well, grammy won’t be putting dinner on the table until 4pm, so I DO have some time. Hell! Why not?

I meet OFE and Haystack at the Silver Diner. I order a $5 glass of orange juice and pull out my monster bottle of super-vitamins that are the size of horse pills. They have 300% of everything in them. Great for curing hangovers! And boy do I have a mother of a hangover! You're supposed to take two at a time, but OFE and Haystack only opt for one each. I guess they only want 150% of their daily vitamin needs. Careful, guys! Did I tell you that these vitamins make your urine look radioactive yellow? No, I guess not - I left that part out - surprise!

I arrive at the hash and opt not to run. My stomach is too queasy...especially after hearing OFE's and Haystack's Taco Bell story. Aggghhh...refried beans.

Areola Borealis tells the walkers “You’ll burn enough calories for a crouton. The runners will burn enough calories for some mashed potatoes.”

Guess I won't be burning many calories today, then...

Now when I woke up this morning, I realized the screen of my camera was cracked. While walking to the shot check, I realize that there is moisture under the screen of my phone. I show my busted camera and phone to OFE. He'll know what to do, right?

Instead he tells the scribe, “I’d like to violate LNDT for ruining $500 worth of electronic equipment in a single evening by shaking her a$$ too hard!”

You know, I really set myself up for these situations, don't I? Take the next situation. Since I'm hungover, I'm not thinking too clearly. You'd expect that, wouldn't you? Well! Purple Peter Eater violates me for my slow brain processor speed this morning.

He says “LNDT was F*CKED stupid last night, but somehow NO SEX was involved.”

Would it have been any better if there was?

And thank God, I didn't run today. Since some newbie hashers are the FRBs, they somehow find a trail that was laid over 2 weeks ago (even after all the rain!) and run all the way to Spout Run. Some people take an hour before they return! The worst part of it all is that the shot check is only 1 block from the beer check.

We actually have a naming today. For a guy that has only 2 runs cause none of the other “Just”s decided to show. He gets named Private Snowball cause he looks like Private Snowball from Full Metal Jacket. Dude really looks like him, too!

And talk about putting lots of effort into Turkey Day! Shamrock stayed up till 5am making these turkey treats! They are yummy, though!

I leave the hash shortly after 1pm to drive for a couple hours to good ol' Delaware. I arrive at grammy’s house still hung over and starving. Thank God the turkey’s almost done. My aunt is pulling the meat off the turkey legs, of which there are 8 (We’re a dark meat-loving family, so grammy always buys extra legs for us.). I decide my aunt isn’t doing a good enough job stripping the dark meat off the legs, so I gnaw on the bone myself. I do an excellent job of cleaning those turkey legs! My family is incredulous, though.

Grammy says, “I’ve never seen her like this before! Why is she being so silly?”

See what you hashers have done to me!! My family doesn’t think I’m the same person anymore!

After dinner, I pull a blanket out of the bedroom closet and walk around the house like Linus with my blanket dragging behind me. My brother, cousins and I play Scattegories for a bit and then go into the dining room for some dessert. Not dessert!! How fattening! I wrap my blanket around me and pass out on the floor next to the dining room table while everyone's chowing down on pumkin pie. Great manners, wouldn’t you say?

Grammy tels me, "Quit showing off for our guest."

I’m sure I make a wonderful impression on my cousin’s boyfriend. Hey! I’m not dating him, so what do I care? Besides, he's met me before and how much could his opinion REALLY change? My family leaves me there on the floor for about an hour before they tell me to high-tail it to bed. I guess I deserve it, huh?