17 Feet of Woman

Ahhh...roadtrip! to Baltimore, no less! Actually, I don't live very far from Baltimore (approx. 1/2 hour) and used to work in Cherry Hill (ghetto across the harbor from downtown). Stick It In Your Socket just bought a rowhouse east of the Inner Harbor and the Sh*t groupies are driving up to attend her housewarming party.

And since it is SUCH a road trip for everyone, we all make plans to crash the night. Of course, I'm prepared! Socket warned me that her floors are all hardwood, so I'm bringing my air mattress. No uncomfortable night on the floor for me! When RU-469 arrives to carpool with me, she sees me packing my vehicle with my air mattress and pulls hers out of her car too (she just happened to have it with her).

Well! Apparently, RU-469 and I are the only two to have that foresight cause everyone else only brought jammies and pillows (Nub brought his special bodypillow - he calls it his "girlfriend" - is that all the action you can get, man?). Come on, people! Do you really expect Socket to have bedding for 10 people? So, of course, I get propositioned by Nub - he wants to share my bed! Hmmm...let me think about that one...

The "cool kids" spend all their time outside smoking. You sh*tters smoke too much! How in the world are you folks capable of running? I can't believe I'm DFL all the time and the smokers even run faster than I do. So wrong!! I peek my head out occasionally, but it's way too chilly to stand outside for any length of time. What smokers will put up with is beyond me!

OFE breaks out his drinking dice. Oh boy!! A new game for me to learn! We play 3-man. Fun stuff, although my reflexes are super-slow on pointing my finger to my nose whenever a 4 and a 1 are rolled. Just tell me when to drink! At least I'm not 3-man for long in this game...OFE, on the other hand, is 3-man almost the entire game. I'm not sure if it was bad luck on his part or if it was malicious intent by other players. Dude! you can't talk smack about other partygoers and not expect some form of retribution. Fortunately, he can drink loads of beer, so he takes it in stride.

Oh, it is now becoming a tradition that no party is complete without giving me a SexEd 501 course. MM is usually my most ardent ridiculer. He loves bringing up the fact that I didn't know what ATM, 420, or MILF meant. I now have to figure out what a dirty sanchez is...Udder tells me that I don't want to know. Udder, regardless of whether I want to know or not - these fools are going to pester me until I figure this stuff out. At some point, we discuss last week's WH4 hash where Hokie got the hash shit for not liking the TASTE of condoms.

I, of course, ask "Could someone explain HOW he would know what condoms taste like?"

OFE volunteers to enlighten me (I'm really trying to keep my postings clean here, but this is becoming difficult considering the subject matter). He explains that a guy could taste condom residue if he performs oral sex after penetration. Ahhhh...question answered...

As usual, a contingent has the midnight munchies and sets forth in search of nourishment. Did I mention that Socket lives near the ghetto? I hope you guys survive the trip! The crazy fools decide to WALK at 1am to a local deli. I thought beer was supposed to kill off the STUPID brain cells?

I call RU-469 while she's at the deli to find out if the gang can order something vegetarian for Free P*ssy. Apparently, this joint the gang has chosen is a typical Baltimore ghetto deli - everything is fried in animal fat and cooked on the same grill together, so FP has NO chance of getting anything that hasn't been contaminated. Sorry, chickie!

Now apparently, OFE and gang had a grand ole time at the local deli chatting it up with the locals (pimps and ho's). Why don't you check him out to see what he has to say about it?

When the gang gets back, MM offers me some of his cheese fries. Ooohh, yummy! Oh, no! MM, what did you do to the fries? Salty! Blaaacchh! MM is insulted by my criticism.

He says, "You're not f*cking me, so don't criticize my food, woman! In fact, I don't even see why I'm even letting you eat anything!"

Man! a little sensitive aren't we?

I guess I'm not as high energy today as usual cause once everyone goes upstairs to watch Pirates of the Caribbean, I crash on my air mattress. Am I tired!

In the middle of the night, I look over and who do I see? Nub! Guess he couldn't resist all that empty space on my mattress and crashed. I don't mind, really, cause there is PLENTY of space. However, someone must have popped RU-469's air mattress in the middle of the night cause sometime around 5am, IHOV jumps onto my air mattress also. Oh! a Nub sandwich! At least Nub's "girlfriend" prevents IHOV from getting poked! It's getting rather cozy on my mattress now...but wait! I go downstairs to use the bathroom (cause drinking beer kinda causes that side-effect) and when I return, my spot is gone! RU-469 jumped on my mattress, too! Where am I gonna sleep? The threesome tell me to climb in with them. Now this is just downright insane! Nub is spooning IHOV, I'm spooning RU-469 and Nub and I are butt cheek to butt cheek. Not much space in this tuna can! Hope y'all are comfortable! I can't say any of us get much sleep cause we're all giggling and joking around about 5 of us in the bed (don't forget the "girlfriend"!). Nub's getting it on! He has 17 feet of woman in bed with him! I guess he's trying to beat the previous record. 12 feet of woman just doesn't satisfy him!