The Leg Warmers

Hoover Daaamn called me earlier in the week and wants to have an all-girl’s party weekend. Her boyfriend is moving in with her in 3 weeks and I’d Do ‘Er’s boyfriend is out of town this weekend, so we’re gonna attempt to revive one of our traditions from last year. I have some events I must attend on Saturday (my MBA Class Reunion and my work holiday party), but after 10pm Saturday, I’m home free!

…so let’s begin with Friday….Hoover contacts Little C*ck that Won’t and discovers that an 80’s cover band, The Leg Warmers, will be performing at the State Theater tonight.

I’m not as fanatic about 80’s pop, but I love me some 80’s rock! Of course, as Little C*ck is manning the door tonight, we’re home free! Hoover and I do not own any 80’s apparel because, in my opinion, it is the ugliest clothing of ANY generation. But let me tell you! I have never seen so many chicks wearing ponytails off to one side, big strings of beads, big belts on over-size sweaters, and denim skirts over loud leggings. The dudes are in the spirit too – dark sunglasses with neon frames, polo shirts with popped collars, headbands a la Olivia Newton John. The costumes alone are worth the visit!

In the meantime, I am experiencing wardrobe malfunctions myself. I’m wearing one of my older thongs that is high-waisted while wearing low-waisted jeans. To complicate matters, my jeans don’t fit me properly and keep sliding down my hips. Hoover recommends that I just remove my underwear so it isn’t as blatant that I’m having wardrobe issues. No problem! Commando is easy! Well, then again, maybe not. My jeans are even lower on my hips now and I’m prominently displaying plumber’s crack anytime I move. Ah well…if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!

Little C*ck specifically points the two of us out to security in case we get in trouble. Us? Get in trouble? No way! We cause fights, not start them! I, of course, proudly bend over and display my commando @ss crack. That security guard isn’t going forget this trouble-maker!!

The band is excellent (for a cover band). They legitimately sound like the real thing (for the songs that I recognize). Well, I can’t say they are convincing for any of the hip-hop songs (what are they thinking?), but for Guns n’ Roses, Pat Benatar, AC/DC, and Black Sabbath covers, they do a bang-up job! The crowd favorite, though, is the B-52s “Love Shack”. Very peppy song, but I would rather hear “Groove is in the Heart”. And aren’t they getting their decades a bit mixed up?? I could swear that “Love Shack” was early 90s….Ahh well, I did say I wasn’t an 80’s pop fanatic. However, I wouldn’t PAY to see an 80’s cover band. In fact, I’d like to know what these tickets are going for. I swear! Any gimmick sells these days!

Bar: Ireland’s 4 Provinces
Total Bar Count: 9
Total DC Bars: 1

Tex/Mex Posts Helped my Traffic

Guess I should write about more hashing weekends, huh?

New Pick-Up Line

I received a new pick-up line today that I will rank as my #2 all-time best pick-up line (after Hose Handler’s fire engine line).

“Your face is like a wrench…
every time I see it, my nuts tighten!”

Oh it’s so horrible, it’s great! My face is like a wrench?? That isn’t appealing at all, but I have to admit the imagery is vivid!

Hash Cash for a 2nd Year

Surprised? That I want to contribute to mis-management for a second year? I’m not – I love hashing and especially love meeting everyone at the beginning of the hash. As long as I can continue to fit it into my schedule and don’t get tired of showing up every week, I will continue to hold this position. Surprisingly, though, many people thought I would be moving on due to my extended absence of the last 3 weeks. Nope! I’m back for another year!

Today is the Incumming Mis-management hash….but I’m late! Although I arrive on time at the start location, since I am coming directly from a work meeting in Tysons Corner, I’m still in my work clothes. I instruct a couple of roaming hashers on where to congregate and head over to the Starbucks to use their facilities (I could change out in the open, but the sky has just opened up and it’s sleeting).

And who do I encounter in the Starbucks? Assfault and Just Jen. I sign them in (always open for business!) and hand the sign-in book to Assfault to give to anyone on MM while I’m changing. An Asian chick goes into the restroom after Assfault and ends up taking forever!! I swear she occupies the bathroom for 10 minutes (if not longer).

In the meantime, there is this creepy dude talking to me while I am standing in line for the bathroom. I never look his way, I never make eye contact, I don’t even smile at him, but the things he says are just wrong! I know I’m a hasher and should be able to handle anything, but it’s very different when you’re saying sh*t to another hasher and when some random person starts spewing filth.

So, Mr. Random Dude tells me that he is supposed to take his meds but he isn’t taking them any longer. Why not???!!! You need them! Then he tells me how he met this chick last week in the Starbucks and talked to her for hours and then went behind the Starbucks into a neighboring alley where she offered him a blowjob. He said he was bothered by her offer and that he doesn’t do such things. And he kept repeating the story. A woman in line behind me bolted and I would have too if I hadn’t already been to the shops nearby to know that there was no alternative place for me to change.

But regardless, here are my mental reactions:

What were you doing in the alley in the first place? Up to no good!
Was that girl really coming on to you? Ha! Doubt it!
Why are you telling ME this story (even as I pretend not to listen)? Don’t even begin to classify me as a chick to go down a dark alley with a random stranger! Haven’t started yet and ain’t going to now!
What the hell is that Asian chick doing in the bathroom? Hurry up!

Finally! The Asian chick runs out of the bathroom and I realize she stopped up the toilet which is why it took her so long. Hell! I don’t care about the friggin’ toilet, I just need to change into my running clothes.

I quickly change and run back to the start. And boy am I late! There are easily 50 people waiting for me to sign them in and no-one else on MM is around. WTF??!!

“Assfault, why didn’t you give the sign-in book to someone to start collecting?”
“There wasn’t anyone from MM here.”

Great! I’m starting off my second year badly. And where is Big Bend Over, pray tell? Dude – you’re my backup. You need to get here on time, too. And why are there SOOOO many people here? 18 virgins??!!! Don’t y’all know you’re supposed to stay home and warm when it’s cold and sleeting out? Yes, I’m complaining – y’all should know by now that I’m a big baby.

…and we’re off! And this time, the hares (Cum Dumpling, Areola Borealis, and Obeastiologist) really are telling the truth when they say the trail is short, dry, and flat. (Well, there are sections that aren’t flat with big check backs, but I skipped those parts and the trail is average length – 4-ish miles, but who’s counting?) Great trail!

One major complaint, though! Who keeps calling true trail on 3 dollops of flour? And who calls on-on when there is only one dollop? D*mn newbie FRBs!! And boy, do we have a fast pack tonight! I have to admit I’m a lemming, but why bother reading trail when I’ve got 50 people in front of me telling me the check goes straight ahead? This sh*t is ludicrous! And then half the pack gets all turned around in Dupont Circle for no d*mn reason at all! I have to admit, though, the hares did a hilarious Turkey-Eagle split where the Eagle trail is SHORTER than the Turkey trail by 100 yards. You guys are having entirely too much fun on this trail!

Since trail is over, it’s time for late sign-in, right? Well, I can’t sign anyone in because everyone’s coming to me with $20 bills. People! I don’t have the cash to give change – that’s Big Bend Over’s job. Where the hell IS he?

And this is where I must make my formal apology to Big Bend Over – I’m sorry I was cussing up a storm about him slacking on the job in front of the hash. I should have realized that he was still lost on trail. I was not pleasant and out of control. I’ll try better next time. Seriously.

Bar: Recessions
Total Bar Count: 8
Total DC Bars: 0

Recessions does not count because I did not consume a beverage. WTF??!!

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 5: Plan B Antics

Yes, I know! Plan B should be effectively over by now. And it is. However, there is one last story relating to Plan B that MUST be told. While I’m in the strip club I somehow lose my room key (stripping, perhaps?). I walk back to the hotel in the frigid cold (which again I’m incapable of feeling) and upon realizing I’ve lost my key, I climb into Brownie’s room since @ss Gagger informed me that he broke his window the previous evening. I do need a warm place to sleep!

He’s not in his room, but the next morning I hear knocking on the hotel door. I put my clothes on and open the door. Outside are Bloody Z and MILF – they’ve come to collect Brownie and cart him off to CO. The look on their faces when I open the door is priceless. I’m not sure what they’re thinking, but Brownie isn’t in the room.

I joke with Bloody:

“I’m lonely - I could use some company.”
“Stay put. I’ll come back and take care of you!”

Sure thing!

Unfortunately, Brownie returns while they’re out and kicks me to the curb. D*mn it! After everything we’ve been through this weekend? (and the way I’ve abused him) And this is how he treats me? (I can’t say I blame him) Hee hee!

About 10 minutes later, I run into Bloody in the hash-patality room. I ask him:

“Why didn’t you come back for me?”
“I did! But you didn’t stay put.”
“Ahh well….at least you tried!”

….so although Plan B is over, the practical jokes continue…until next time!

Oh…and could someone send me another lock of Brownie’s hair as a voodoo talisman? (I lost the one I had and need a replacement – to perform more evil influencing…)

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 4: Strip Club

It’s Wet Spot’s birthday! And since I am partly recovered, I join the group that is heading over to her birthday celebration at the local strip club, West Side (or something like that).

We walk in and immediately befriend one of the local strippers, a very Elvira-esque looking chick. She’s an Amazon too! She easily towers over me and I’m not a small girl. Oh and by stating she’s a chick, I’m referring to her gender, not her age, because if I remember correctly – she has 4 kids.

Of course, since I’m at a strip club and talking to a stripper, I have to ask this question:

“Can I strip?”

She says yes! I’ll have to wait until the end of the evening, but of course I can. I can wait! Let’s just play some 3-man to while away the time. I teach her the rules and instruct her on when she needs to drink. I believe she has a good time playing with us, but eventually I reach that state again where I’m incapable of processing information. I leave the strip club before getting my opportunity to strip. Shame on me! Maybe next year…

Bar: Prince Machiavelli’s
Total Count: 8
Total DC Bars: 0

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 4: Plan B Antics

P.S. At some point before I lose total coherency, and since I did not succeed in my appointed task, @ss Gagger and I decide to let Brownie in on our practical joke (although it ends up being more of a practical joke on me). I have lost all credibility in @ss Gagger’s, Meat Gazer’s, and High Beam’s opinion. What can I say? I’m very sorry! I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again – I’m a great planner, but a poor implementer.

Brownie, however, is thrilled that he has foiled us all. Dude! If I hadn’t been drinking so much this weekend, it would have ended up a LOT differently. Despite my resounding failure, I’m gonna try again! Next time I’m at a hashing event, I’m gonna pull another practical joke of a similar magnitude….but this time….I’m going to enlist someone else to do my dirty work! Watch out, Brownie! Plan C is in progress….

...but I guess I deserve what Brownie and MILF did to me below...

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 4: Never Leave Camp (except to hang out in the local bars)

I arrive back in my room to discover the door is open, sex toys are strewn all over the place, and the bed has been slept in. Hmmmm….when I left, Flamin’ was passed out ON top of the bed, so who was sleeping IN my bed? And did anyone play with my toys? Or did I leave the room in complete disarray? Gosh! Why can’t I remember??

After an extremely lengthy shower, I drag my tired, hungover @ss to Jack in the Box for some sustenance since I have missed breakfast yet again (I swore I wasn’t going to go through this again this year!). While I’m walking back, I encounter the Kimchi crew on their way to King’s X to watch the Seattle Seahaws play the Chicago Bears. Can I join? I don’t wanna do no stinkin’ trail today! It’s cold outside!

Once seated in the King’s X, the crew orders a round of beers, as do I. Unfortunately, we discover that since it is before 12pm and they do not have food in front of them on the table, they cannot be served. Huh! Interesting law. I, on the other hand, can have my Tecate immediately because I have food from Jack in the Box in front of me. Guys! You can’t wait a ½ hour for your beer? I try to be generous and offer the 2^nd half of my sandwich to the Kimchi crew but the waitress won’t allow it since the guys aren’t eating my sandwich. You can’t fault me for trying…

After consuming enough beers to kill my hangover, I head back to the hash-patality room to see what adventures are to be had there. And whattya know, I start playing drinking games (go figure!). Most of us are tired of 3-man, though, so we play this hands game that would take too much effort to describe here. It’s definitely entertaining, but it’s the beginning of my downfall today because contrary to my (somewhat) stellar beer-consumption record this weekend, I begin drinking vodka and Dr. Pepper. I also play Balderdash which I’m proud to admit I’m the reigning champion of (it’s that literary streak, you know!). So my downfall ends up being an extremely gradual one since I’m pretty good at the drinking games I choose to participate in. It isn’t until I join a 3-man game and drink TNT’s Koolaid-Everclear concoction that things start going downhill.

Do y’all know I’m an obnoxious drunk? I start passing out, but somebody apparently doesn’t want me to leave the festivities this early (come on! It’s our last night here). I am entrusted into the safe-keeping of TNT and Butt Darts (TNT always seems to take care of me when I’m drunk – why is that?). I think TNT forces me to puke and after I start to become coherent again (puke and rally!), Butt Darts takes over my care. He must be one of the most patient people on the face of the earth. Or else, I provided immense entertainment for him and all the latino hashers. I don’t remember a d*mn thing other than speaking LOUDLY in Spanish for hours and hours and Butt Darts feeding me corn (at least I think that is what I was eating…).

Bar: King’s X
Total Bar Count: 7
Total DC Bars: 0

Again, the King’s X is disqualified since I have visited it previously.

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 3: Plan B Antics

I’m sorry to disappoint y’all, but there were no Plan B antics tonight. I go to King’s X with the Kimchi crew and get totally trashed with my dancing antics. Some random dudes tell me they’re gonna buy me shots, but then never do – bastards! I go back to my room along with Flamin’, Gagger, and someone else I don’t recall. Flamin’ passes out on my bed and starts snoring, and I can’t sleep when there’s snoring, no matter how drunk I am. I think Gagger is playing with my toys when I walk out of my room to find another room to crash in. Surprises of surprises, Gagger finds where I’ve crashed and joins me.

Day 3 Synopsis: Mission failure. “This wasn’t supposed to happen!”

Bar: King’s X
Total Bar Count: 7
Total DC Bars: 0

The King’s X is disqualified since I have visited it previously.

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 3: Running for the Border (again?)

Unfortunately, by the end of the porn check, my stamina has worn out and I walk most of the 2^nd half back to the border. I have a very pleasant conversation with Pony Pumper in Spanish (I believe?) about the demerits of dating latinos. Of course, being a latino himself, he is very disappointed to hear that. So maybe that conversation wasn’t so pleasant after all….Sorry, dude!

Then I run into Penis Colada outside of the mall drug store. Guess what? She bought Viagara AND muscle relaxer. Why would she need both? In fact, why would she want to take either one? Well, that girl IS crazy. I am not surprised in the slightest. However, my small bladder is at it again and Penis and I find a nice fountain sculpture to hide behind in order to pee. I have no idea what the Mexican street vendors thought we were doing, but let me tell you Penis did something I have NEVER seen a girl do! I pee straight down, but as I’m peeing, I look over at Penis and her piss is arcing 3 feet ahead straight in front of her like a guy! Wow! Double-wow! She’s talented! Or maybe she took the Viagara already? I have to say…if you want future blog material there are 2 people you NEED to befriend – Penis Colada and Bone Sucker. That duo can keep hashers entertained for a lifetime!

As I walked most of the way to the border (well, I did run across the bridge a little bit), I am WAAAAAY behind Is It In Yet? who was a front-runner. I’m really worried that I will be stuck in Mexico since he has my ID. WTF?? There are, like, 100 people in line to go through customs. How am I gonna find 3IY? Fortunately, I spot Tie Me Down Dick in his bright lime green t-shirt and ask if he has spotted 3IY. Yep! He’s at the front of the line. Sh*t!! Well, what’s a girl to do? I act like an uncivilized gringa that I am and cut in front of all the Mexicans waiting in line in order to join up with my ID. Apparently, that’s an offense that can earn you a strip search as Follow the Bleeder (female version) discovered. Fortunately, my offense is not detected and I cross the border unmolested. Whew! That was close!

We get back to the start location and Groping Bar-Knee is anxious to get us all transported back to the hotel. No problem! It’s getting chilly out here anyways! But it certainly seems like a long ride back! Did it take 20 minutes last time? I really have to pee! Yeah, I know, I sound like a broken record. But, it’s urgent! Since I’m sitting up on the ledge, I jump down to the main bed, ask a hasher to pull out the beer keg a little, grab a styrafoam cup and squat behind the keg to pee. I really have to pee! I pee more than the cup can hold and since by this time most hashers in the U-Haul realize what I’m doing, I proudly display the contents of my cup. However, the U-Haul is still in transit and the ride is a bit bumpy, so I spill quite a bit of my urine on the floor. I’m very sorry, folks! I did try to contain it! Y’all be happy to hear that I properly disposed of my urine upon exiting the U-Haul by dumping it on one of the hotel shrubs! I also washed my hands! Who said I’m a dirty girl??!!

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 3: Jumping Mexican Bars

And finally, we’re at the bar! Not such a long trail after all! But boy, am I hot now! So what’s a girl to do? Well, we’ve got all these buckets of beer and ice in front of us, so I pick up a couple of ice cubes and insert them in my sports bra. Unfortunately, I’m also using my boobs as my ID holder, so I give my ID to Is It In Yet?, so that my ID doesn’t get ruined by melting ice. I make him promise not to leave me in Mexico because otherwise I’m gonna be stuck on the wrong side of the border. In any case, due to the cold ice, I begin poking (although I can never poke 24-7 like High Beams). Of course, we immediately begin a game of 3-man (seeing a pattern here?), with the guys chanting “Get the chicks drunk”, “Get the chicks drunk”. Men! They’re all the same!

…and we’re off on another short run to our next bar (our porn check). It’s a lovely basement bar with a slightly raised wooden dance floor. Apparently, it’s where the strippers dance. Well, since there is a DJ and he’s playing music I enjoy, I begin dancing (by myself).

Penis Colada tells me, “You’ve had professional dance training…and I’m not referring to ballet or tap.”

Ha! Prove it! Although, I do jump on a table and a couple of chairs and dance off-stage for a bit. Oh! And I forgot! Repeat Offender and I give Brownie a lap dance. Apparently, it’s his first. That’s sad! I thought he always had to pay girls to join him.

I think our horseplay gets unwanted attention because Wet Spot (I think?) throws ice at us. Well! I’m not going to take that abuse! Besides, have you forgotten that I have a stash of ice stored in my tits? Take that! I aim about 10 chunks of ice back at them. A full-out ice war breaks out. I only think a cease-fire is called because all the ice melts. Ah well! Until next time!

Bars: Unknown Mexican Bars #1 & #2
Total Bar Count: 7
Total DC Bars: 0

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 3: Running for the Border

It’s a beautiful, but windy, day out. A great day for a run. And this year, I am determined to keep up with the pack and not get lost in the shops.

Unfortunately, we have to get to the border in a U-Haul. And boy is it hot in there with 60 people. I now know why people die in those things. Whew! Fortunately, I have a brass monkey to hydrate me. Unfortunately, my small bladder goes into overtime (again! seeing a trend here?). I find a prominent spot for a group girl pee with Tuna Delight and a young blonde harrierette from Arizona (I think?). Apparently, a group of Mexicans are able to see everything and cheer when the 3 of us stand up. Ah well…who hasn’t seen me pee this weekend?

…and I’m off! Up, up, up, I’m ¾ of the way to the top of the bridge….pfffffttttt…..okay, my uphill stamina just fizzled. Regardless, Lost Her P*ssy and Up the @ss still label me an overachiever. Whatever! Get your butts in gear! It’s all downhill from here!

We run through a park where we all get off track, not sure who is at fault, but it must be those stinkin’ FRBs! I spot a sign in the park that states “Bebidas Prohibidos”, which means “Alcoholic Beverages Prohibited”. I hope no one gets caught with a beer on them!

Then we run through dog pound city. Hell! Does everyone in Mexico own giant, barking dogs? I love dogs, but these critters are mangy!

Great trail! It’s like running through DC streets during rush hour! Playing frogger between the cars – don’t get run over!

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 3: Midget Porn

Amazingly enough, I don’t wake up hung over – what a wonderful way to start the day! And what’s even better? A co-birthday celebration for Wet Spot and Studmuffin! Let’s watch us some midget porn!

Up the @ss, who knew how popular Wet Spot’s midget porn was at CO Invihash, brought a new porno for her birthday viewing pleasure this weekend.

The movie starts off pretty badly – no midgets to be seen anywhere, just normal-people sex. WTF??!! Where are the midgets? Fast forward…..

…to an extremely ugly and fat midget lady….

Wet Spot, I’m afraid the quality of this porno will not equal what was available at CO Invihash…

Opinion of the Midget Lady:

Very bad blowjobs. The dudes (3 of them, in separate scenes, of course) all go limp on her. What guy goes limp getting a blowjob? Unless the chick is no good...

One of her dudes is kind of interesting cause he has bruises on his @ss and is wearing a wizard hat. I believe it’s around this scene that Bone Sucker begins singing the Wizard of Oz “Lollipop” song. At least we have some great commentary to enliven this midget lady’s sad performance!

Opinion of the Midget Dude:

Fortunately for us midget-loving freaks, the porno improves immensely with the introduction of the midget dude.

Apparently a dude in a black monk’s robes and green Army face-paint creates an alien. And to reinforce that the midget is an alien, the midget gives his paramour an alien doll fetus with a penis. Weird!

…but it’s pretty hilarious when his green face paint starts coming off when he gives her oral….until she starts sucking on the alien doll’s penis. WTF?? What sickos put this movie together? and what sickos would watch it?? hee hee!

But the spectacular finale is when the midget dude (sans face paint) is jumping up and down on a bed with a viking helmet on. And affixed to the helmet? A dildo! Of course, we all know what is coming…the chick ends up f*cking the midget dude’s helmet. This is too much! Y’all are killing me! I can’t wait until the next installment of midget porn!

Quotes:

“If you had green face paint smeared on your @ss, you’d have zits too!”

“Head? Who said head?
Like midget vikings with dildos on their heads!”

“I usually have a hard-on within 30 seconds of watching a porno. This one, I’ve got nothin”

P.S. Did anyone else see a resemblance between the midget dude and Ranger Smurf?

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 2: Plan B Antics

At Bombadiers, my plan comes into fruition. Somehow I manage to convice Brownie to purchase massive quantities of beers for me and even get him generous enough to buy several rounds of shots (all through the assistance of my lovely co-conspirators). Then Brownie starts dancing with me. Success!

Gagger says to me, “Now’s your chance! He must be really drunk if he’s dancing.”

Only problem – I’m very drunk. I nearly pass-out during the ride back to the hotel, and although I avoid the fiasco at the hot tub (there were easily 30 bobbing heads in there), I pull a Brownie. I black out at my room. Damn it! I’m supposed to pull a trick on Brownie, not turn into him! Meat Gazer was even with me to supervise, but since I didn’t give her a signal, she didn’t bring in the team.

When I inform High Beams of my failure to stay sober enough to complete the plan (even when everything went exactly right), she isn’t worried. She tells me that I can try again. Yes, but wasn’t the point to be wearing the outfit? Ah well, maybe it will still be funny no matter what I’m wearing….

Day 2 Synopsis: Mission failure. Try again Saturday provided Brownie doesn’t catch on.

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 2: Pub Crawl

Tonight’s the night! I pull out my black vinyl Bond girl outfit that will suffice as Plan B attire. As an accessory? My light-up vibrator that Bone Sucker was so thrilled by earlier in the day. Now she can properly see the pretty colors! Since I’m wearing my favorite 5-inch stiletto heels and have a suspicion that the trail will be very long, I bring running shoes for the trek between bars.

And what a coincidence! The Arizona girls have dressed as Bond-age girls and I fit right in. Yippee!

Unfortunately, I decided to make my top strapless tonight (it has removable straps).
Tuna asks me, “Are you sure you’re not going to pop out?”
Well, I haven’t yet and I’m dancing up a storm (as usual). Wait! I’ve spoken too soon! I didn’t account for my favorite renegade DC harrierette, Double-Stuffed Whoreo. DSW! I do not need to show my tits to the general public! Stop trying to pull my top down! Okay, now stop pulling up my skirt! I swear! If I try to keep my tits covered, my @ss is revealed and vice versa. I can’t win! But I can try!

Now, I came prepared tonight with my drinking vessel, but at Sharx, as I’m distracted by DSW’s shenanigans, my vessel disappears right before my eyes. Well, I’m not going to let a little thing like that stop me! Gimme that pitcher over there! I’m gonna pull a Kandy Panties favorite – drink straight from the pitcher, redneck style. It works except whenever I set my pitcher down, someone tries to pour from it. Stay away! That pitcher is mine!

Now I’m pretty defenseless at this point with DSW attacking my tits from all angles and random hashers attacking my pitcher. To make matters worse, Studmuffin attacks my vibrator and dips the head into the pitcher. WTF??!!
“Suck it off!”
I comply. (Sh*t! I would never do this in DC! Or would I?)
…and then my vibrator stops swirling and the colors stop blinking. D*mn it! The batteries have worn out! I guess 10 hours of action in a day is more than this bad boy is used to!

No matter, it’s time to leave the bar anyhow and a 7-11 is on the way. New batteries here I come! I’m questioned in the 7-11 about what I’m up to tonight (What? Don’t I look like one of the regular El Paso customers?) – I tell them that we’re having a pub crawl with a James Bond theme.

…and then I’m off! For the long, arduous 2-mile trek to Bombadiers. Am I glad I brought my running shoes! I would never make it in my stilettos, especially since there are no sidewalks for a portion of the walk.

I’m pooped by the time I get to Bombadiers and look for a good place to sit down (I said “poop”!). Unfortunately, all the comfortable spots are taken – except – Donut Holer’s lap! Well, just because he has 3 women already sitting next to him, doesn’t mean I can’t join their little party! (besides, Donut Holer is a lesbian at heart!)

Speaking of poop….I find all these poop writings on the bathroom walls at Bombadiers. Did the Kimchi hashers attack this bathroom last year?

Bar: Sharx & Bombadiers
Total Bar Count: 5
Total DC Bars: 0

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 2: Second Round of 3-Man with Vibrating Panties

Of course, after we pick up the liquor, I haven’t finished playing with sex toys and neither have the girls and boys. Brownie is particularly fond of a blue dildo I bring out. He even takes it back to his room with him! I don’t see it again for 2 days….hmmm…. Brownie, is my dildo not a virgin anymore?

No matter! I bring out another toy to spice up our new 3-man game: Remote control vibrating panties. Even though I’m just joining the game, I make a new rule:

Whoever is 3-man must wear the vibrating panties and the last 3-man must buzz the current 3-man whenever 3-man has to drink.

A phenomenal rule! (even if I thought of it myself). I love seeing the sh*t-eating grins on player’s faces who enjoy being 3-man. Especially amusing is Dust Balls when I leave the panties on vibrate for a full minute because I forgot I turned it on in the first place. Unfortunately, Studmuffin proves that one-size does not fit all. He has to sit on the vibrating panties. And then….the batteries die on the panties…d*mn it! Just as the game is starting to get more popular too!

P.S. Before I brought the vibrating panties into the 3-man game, I had Bone Sucker try them on during a poker game. She spilled her chips and cards all over the floor…and MILF didn’t want to give me back the remote!

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 2: In the Pursuit of Liquor

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Tex/Mex 2007 Day 2: First Round of 3-Man

After Lucy’s we go back to the hotel to bum a ride off the Kimchi crew so we can go to Rosa’s Cantina. By the time we all stuff ourselves in the van there are 15 of us (at least!). I find a left over box of wine behind me and pass it around although I refuse to partake (yet).

Apparently the ride to Rosa’s Cantina only takes 5 minutes. So why is it taking us a ½ hour? Ohhh….we missed our turn – we’re taking the scenic route to get to Rosas’s. Damn! You know it’s not exactly comfortable with 15 pseudo-Mexicans in the back of a minivan that has “Show Us Your Boobes” (their spelling, not mine) taped to the window.

Quotes:

“Are we there yet?”

“F*ck, we just passed the Statue of Liberty!”

When we arrive at Rosa’s, Flamin’ Gamin’ Beaver Cleaver teaches me how to drink a Tecate. The proper technique is so:

1. Insert lime wedge into can
2. Pour salt through whatever opening is available
3. Watch beer foam
4. Suck foam down

Quote:

“It won’t fit. I can’t stick it in.”

Having learned said beer-drinking technique and learning all about Flamin’s interesting hobbies (he’s a spell-thrower!), I migrate over to the already-in-progress 3-man game.


What a mistake! I’m 3-man at least 3 times and during my last round as 3-man, I get doubles handed back to me after distributing them to NBN and DTR. I roll an 8, which means I have to drink 16, which is the remainder of my can. I have already drunk 3 cans of Tecate as 3-man and they’re asking me to chug a 4^th? Y’all understand I’m incapable of chugging, right? I can’t do it. I get down to the last swallow and run out the front door of Rosa’s into the parking lot. I puke everything up (including my breakfast of eggs and hashbrowns). I think Dust Balls got pics. But, I am proud to say that my crowning achievement is coming back to the table to finish my beer. That’s right! I’m good for another round now!

Bar: Rosa’s Cantina
Total Bar Count: 3
Total DC Bars: 0

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 2: Hangover Recovery

I don't know how I end up in my room or what time I got there, but I wake up the next morning naked and alone. Naked – typical. Alone - also typical (but surprising since I don't recall any of my actions during beer pong).

I am so hung over! I try to take a shower but I can’t get the cold water knob to budge. I call hotel maintenance to tell them I have too much hot water and no cold water. In the meantime, Dust Balls stops by to wake my @ss up, since I had told him yesterday that I didn’t want to sleep half the day away like I did last year. While he’s talking to me, maintenance arrives to fix my cold water problem. Well, I discover that there isn’t any problem with my cold water. I was too hungover to turn the cold water on! Yes, I’m pathetic!

I need major food, so we round up Gagger and Follow the Bleeder (female version) to get breakfast at Lucy’s….and then Bone Sucker joins us….and Wet Spot. Josue (our waiter) takes several rounds of pics for our ever-growing breakfast party. After 3 very large cups of coffee, Motrin, and many cups of water later, I finally begin comprehending the conversations around me. I apparently did all the things in my last posting. Can anyone confirm? Photographic evidence would help…

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 1: The Kimchi Party Room

As I am raging drunk at this point, I walk to the Kimchi party room from the hot tub dripping wet without toweling off. It’s definitely cold out, but I don’t feel a thing. The crew have set up a beer pong table in their room and I ask to join in as Wet Spot’s partner. She accepts since she doesn’t drink beer and I volunteer to drink all the beers for her. Big mistake! I suck at beer pong and I suck even more tonight.

From all accounts (as I do not remember anything beyond asking to join in the game), I throw most of my balls out the window (hee hee! I said "balls") and shake my @ss in everyone's face while playing (really? I find that so hard to believe). : )

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 1: Plan B Antics

The Hash

For those that were concerned about my performance anxiety, I can now verify beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am completely cured! I have such a small bladder that I piss 3 times between/behind cars in the parking lot where circle is to begin. All Shaft No Head is a true gentleman and blocks passing cars from viewing my relief efforts…although, I believe, @ss Gagger may have photographic evidence. However, Brownie, again attempting to compete on all levels, pisses beside my first pee stain and demonstrates that he wins that pissing battle. Dude! If you add up all my pee stains from around the parking lot, I win hands down!

Trail is fun and I get pricked all to hell by thorns when shortcutting through an off-trail patch. I’m still pissing a river at every hidey-hole on trail and am so desperate upon arriving at the beer check bar that I piss in the men’s bathroom (I didn’t bother to look for the women’s room and the men’s room was more accessible to my seat). High Beams kicks Plan B into high gear at this beer check. Apparently, while I’m in the bathroom, she feeds Brownie stories to get him going. Whatever she must have said works because Brownie plants himself next to me. In the meantime, High Beams has a grin so wide she could tie it into a bow on top of her head (hee hee!).

The Bar

After circle, which I don’t remember other than announcing sex toys for sale, the Kimchi and their honorees head over to the King's X to watch sports. Again, Plan B is working swimmingly. Brownie parks himself next to me at the bar while the remainder of the crew take a table. Everytime I glance at the crew out of the corner of my eye, they are falling out of their seats making fun of Brownie hitting on me. Dude, I can’t believe you haven’t caught on – we are being SO obvious!

When I go back to the hotel, I am distracted from Plan B when I encounter Anal Fission and Double-Stuffed Whoreo at the hot tub. I go back to my room, put on my bikini, and jump in the hot tub. Unfortunately, in the process, I lose Brownie.

Day 1 Synopsis: Plan B is progressing well, but not excellent. I still have plenty of legwork to complete my mission tomorrow evening.

Bars: Unknown Beer Check Bar & King’s X
Total Bar Count: 2
Total DC Bars: 0

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 1: Partying Poolside

By the time I finally get a room (the hotel lost my reservation) and unpack my clothes for the weekend, the CO Kimchi crew has arrived. Finally! Now some real drunken deviant behavior can begin! Kimchi hashers that are new to me: Nuthin But Net, Donnie the Retard, MILF, and Bloody Z. They’re already drinking brass monkeys, so of course, I ask for a donation. Love me some brass monkeys! I am also presented with my honoree Kimchi hash tag by Bloody. Isn’t he sweet?

I run into Hose Handler at the hot tub, but he utterly disappoints me. He doesn’t even remember me! I’m crushed! After he gave me the best pick-up line I have ever heard! For those that don’t remember, it went: “You look like a fire truck. Can I ride you?” Such originality! Wasted!

Some quotes I happen to recall (a week later):

“You’re that smurfy dude, aren’t you?”

"My verbosity amazes people."

"Don't believe anything High Beams says."
"Including that you have a little weenie?"
"Well, it looks big in a midget's hands..."

Tex/Mex 2007 Day 1: Airport Pick-up

Groping Bar-Knee picks me up from the airport and also picks up a crowd from other parts of TX who arrived around 1pm and have been drinking in the hotel bar next to the airport. They’re a wonderful crowd and since they’re 4 of them, we play the ol’ “who’s gonna sit on MY lap” routine. Who wins the honors? Tuna Delight sits on Donut Holer’s lap. Apparently, her lap-sitting wiggling antics earn her some poker in the rear!

To Donut’s wife: I’m sure he couldn’t control himself…and Tuna wasn’t happy with him. I swear!

Tex/Mex 2007: Plan B Prep

So...everyone knows that Brownie has had the hots for me for the last year. He has regularly sent me love letters and small gifts. His love letters become especially numerous, and hot and steamy, around hashing weekends I have deigned to attend with him. He must think hot and steamy love letters go a long way for buttering a girl up. They usually go, "You dork!" or "Wanker", "I can't wait to see you at XXX hashing event."

So last month sometime, he wrote the following:

I had a dream about you last night!

We were in some hash hotel. You were wearing the black outfit from your myspace thing, sitting on top of me on a lazy-boy type chair. The Black Keys were playing on the radio. Just as you leaned over to kiss me a bunch of unknown drunk hashers busted through the door. Then I woke up, and have been in a bad mood since!

He sure knows the right thing to say to a girl, doesn't he?

Well, I wasn't about to let this moment of opportunity pass me by! I packed a black outfit that is featured on my myspace page as he described (not the exact outfit since I also needed to look like a Bond girl) and then enlisted the aide of co-conspirators @ss Gagger, Meat Gazer, and High Beams to put the plan into fruition.

I had two plans:

Plan A - (which is kind of lame, I hate to admit) Present anal beads to Brownie in circle because he's the gayest of them all
Plan B - Make Brownie's wild dream from last month come true (especially the part where drunken hashers burst in the room). I am to let my 3 co-conspirators and other random hashers into my room after the pub crawl on Friday night prior to re-enacting Brownie's dream.



......but you'll have to check back later to find out what happened and the events leading up to the final execution of Plan B!

Lookie what I found!

I haven't been a total slacker....the next 4 posts I found today when I thought I would be ambitious enough to write about my Tex-Mex weekend. I have written Thurs and Friday already (on paper, that is).

Took me 3 months, but you can see some of the things I was up to during that period - drinking, and drinking, and more drinking....and being a r*cist too...

Marine Corps 10K

I'm at it again! I'm a r*cist!

Today I wake up at the crack of dawn to particpate in the Marine Corps 10K. No! not the marathon! No way! I'm supposed to meet up with Slurpee at the back of the 10K lineup, but I never locate her. Ah well...I guess I will run alone.

I have to say, though, having observers the entire course is great incentive to run faster. Everytime I see a Marine, I think I run just a bit harder. My official time? 1:05 - approximately a 10:30 mile - very good progress since the Army 10-miler! Of course, this was a much harder trail than the Army 10-miler.

Pimp n' Ho Party

It took me 9 months, but I finally repaired the red vinyl dress (courtesy of Fagnostic) in preparation for KP & Udder’s Pimp n’ Ho party (which, I have been told, it is only a coincidence that the Pimp n’ Ho party is the day after the Pimp n’ Ho hash – I guess the great minds of MotorMouth and KP think alike!)

Now, earlier in the week, I was fortunate enough to observe Fuxedo racing through the streets dressed as a drag queen for the annual high heel race (no, he isn't a drag queen! however, he is fond of recycling red dress apparel for multiple occasions). During the race, he had these fabulous red vinyl thigh-high boots, which I supposed would be PERFECT with Fagnostic's dress. Of course, I asked him if I could borrow them. And the kind gentleman said yes!

So here I am, at the Pimp n' Ho party and the only thing I'm wearing (besides jewelry) that actually belongs to me is my supergirl panties. Of course, no one would believe me! How could everything that I'm wearing belong to dudes? Apparently, 90% of the people of the party did not observe me undressing Fagnostic last year. Oh well, their loss!

But the big winners of the Pimp n' Ho costume party would be Hoover Daaaamn and her man, P.I.M.P. (how apropos!). They make a fabulous couple as she is the pimp and he is her ho...and of course, she takes me into her stable, as well.

3 Dog Night is adorable too...and after our little dialog on digbys earlier in the week - several dudes want to know if we will have a repeat sleep over session. Sorry! Not tonight!

Pimp n' Ho Hash

Damn! How many posts have I written but never published? Looks like I started this one but never finished it....oh well....

A themed hash – oh boy! Today, MotorMouth is extremely proud of his haring achievement – he has scored CCR (Crystal City Restaurant) as our on-after. What does this mean? Hashers get to experience strippers (although clad in g-strings and pasties), while imbibing beer and wine (the restaurant does not have a liquor license) and consuming cheap, good food. As a tribute to our entertainment this evening, MotorMouth has requested that hashers dress up as either pimps or hos. I, of course, have plenty of ho attire (no derogatory comments, please!) and have decided to wear a half-top and the leopard-print cowboy hat I brought back from CO Invihash.

Recently, EWH3 has started a trend of pre-gaming at a bar prior to beginning circle and sign-in. Now, at the first of these unofficial events back in the summer, I got seriously buzzed from a vodka-soda and 2 shots. I was so impaired that my mental faculties had difficulties locating names in the sign-in book and Assfault was concerned for my running ability on trail. Since then, Cum Dumpling has vowed that I am prohibited from imbibing prior to sign-in. KP, on the other hand, found the occurrence immensely entertaining and has been gunning for additional go-rounds. So, today, I find myself heading towards Bailey’s where they have happy hour specials of $3.50 shots of Jack Daniels. Since my ho running gear requires the exposure of bare skin in 55-degree weather, I def require a few shots to inject some artificial warmth into my bloodstream! Fortunately for Cum Dumpling, my tolerance is a bit higher than usual today and although happy, I am not incapable of performing.

I was given a bouquet of tootsie pops from a date (don’t ask why!) and placed them in my hash bag for instant snacks.

$1 – suckee, suckee! I exclaim to everyone who signs in.

Sleep Over

Damn! I forgot I wrote this one! Why didn't I publish this?

So I’ve been down in the dumps and in order to get my mind off things, I’ve decided there is only one option – drink myself into oblivion.

I stay with 3 Dog Night cause I don’t feel like metro-ing home

3 Dog Night stirs up trouble by posting the following to digbys:

I just wanted to say Thanks to LateNight for an awesome Friday night
and an EVEN BETTER Saturday morning...

3dognight

Responses from the hash list:

Something we should know about???

Inquiring minds are now curious and want to know.

-My Little Pony

ummm. what?

i guess LNDT is good at making eggs or something?
- Big Bend Over

So I post:

Thanks girl! Anytime I can experience your mirror-plated bathroom ceiling again, you just let me know!

And her reply:

nothing better than seeing a hot girl wearing your shirt in the morning....

I'm up for Friday at KP's.

Now wouldn't y'all really like to know what happened??!! Sorry, I don't kiss and tell!

Search Criteria

Well...checking the sitemeter thinga-ma-bobbie again since it hasn't been reviewed in a while - and boy! are there some people looking for hashers via the internet!

Let's see who was being googled:

1. Obeasiologist (the search spelling - not mine!)
2. Double Stuffed Whor-E-O
3. Metro Ho
4. myself
5. BurboJeff

....and let's not forget the search phrases!

1. hasher lesbians
2. I got my little sister to wear thong underwear (seriously! what do people think they are going to find with this?)
3. I used to work in Chicago (duh!)
4. fizzy's place (Fizzy, did you forget to take a girl home with you for once?)
5. c thru thong (as much as I talk about thongs, I'm not surprised...)
   
6. mexican midget dancing (how could I ever forget about TexMex?)
   
7. in her shorts cowgirl
8. girls sprouting boobs
   

Reactions, anyone?

Sh*t AGM - Wild, Wild West

The trains are so g*ddamn slow today. Thank God, Friendly Thighs is such a wonderful person to pick me up from the King Street metro station. As it is, we arrive 45 minutes late for the start, but fortunately, the Sh*t hash never starts trail on time, so I am still able to go off with the runners. Speaking of runners, why are there only 11 of us? Are all y’all scared of the trail that And How’s Her Bush, Sh*t-U-Gay and Udder Ho are gonna lay? It couldn’t possibly be that bad – we are talking about Udder, you know. Of course, I was concerned when Udder’s car alarm started going off minutes after he took off and the walkers’ hare was still able to catch up with Udder to turn off his car alarm. But who wants to de-pants Udder except Hoot? That’s what I thought! End of story.

…so trail is a reasonable pavement pounder, a little different from Sh*t standards, but okay by a tried and true EWH3er…except…look, we have a tunnel! Okay, it’s not too bad. The water is low enough that I don’t need to get my shoes wet. Uh oh! I spoke too soon! We have to cross the path of 3 other tunnel entrances and 1 has rushing ankle-deep water. MotorMouth chivalrously offers to carry Just Jen (who is just in front of me) across the tunnel entrance. Oooh, me, me, me! Piggy back ride for LNDT, please? Pretty, please? : )~ And surprise of surprises! MotorMouth carries me across on his back. Thank you, kind sir! No wet feet for LNDT today!

And need I mention that our 2 beer checks were within spitting distance of each other? Now I have since learned that one of those beer checks was supposed to be for the walkers. I thought they weren’t getting beer - only shots? Since the beer checks are so close to each other, none of the runners stop for the 2^nd beer check. Let some bum drink the beer!

In any case, the second half of the trail turns out to be much longer than the first half. Not that it is a big deal when the trail is 4 ½ miles long, but Slurpee is really upset that our FRBs, MotorMouth and S.S. Toothfairy, haven’t marked our checks for us. As a clarification, I truly believe all our checks were marked by P. Enis until we entered the last housing development next to Nick’s. At that point, MM and TF (and P. Enis did too, I assume) short-cutted the whole way, which explains the lack of marks. Unfortunately, there is a back check in the housing development which explains her anger. Ah, well…we can’t expect them to solve all the checks!

Now, our on-after is a country bar called Nick’s. It’s apparently an extremely popular place and we have the back room reserved from 4pm until 8pm. They have karaoke too, but that doesn’t start until 9pm. I’m not much of a country fan (see yesterday's post), so although there is a DJ, I’m not really bouncing around like usual. Sorry! I don’t even line dance to pop songs, why would I line dance to country music? My dancing is spontaneous and I doubt that will ever change.

So the announcements are made! Tuppy is the GM (again! Yay for her!) and Hermie is the RA (My God! I have totally got to go to a Sh*t hash, now! I can’t miss this!). There are other people involved too - Nub and Free P*ssy are On Sec, which I believe is the equivalent to my Hash Cash position at EWH3. Can anyone confirm? But other than that, most people that were integral to the Sh*t are still integral. Nice to know that the core likes to stay involved. Good for them!

Karaoke Night

This job is def interfering with my appetite and social plans! I thought I was going to be out the door on a Friday at 5pm, but lo and behold, I’m stuck making copies and delivering binders until 8pm. Of course, I’m not eating while I’m working, so by the time I drive into downtown DC to check out the Beltway Bob happy hour, I’m famished.

I meet up with Slurpee, S.S. Toothfairy, and Wooly Mammaries at Eastern Market, but my first priority is food! After grabbing a sandwich at Subway, we head over to the Southeast waterfront to check out Outback Snakehouse’s boat party. It’s a bit chilly outside, so I hibernate inside (I am wearing a sweater, btw!).

Hoover Daaamn calls me since she’s going dancing tonight and we’re each other’s dancing buddy. Rock It Grill? Of course! I love karaoke! Bye, everybody! Although I love drinking for free, I love dancing even more!

About 15 minutes after I arrive, I spot Friendly Thighs walking into the bar. Well! Whattya know? This IS a popular karaoke joint. She informs me that she is going to do “Summer Nights” from Grease. Since I haven’t signed up for the karaoke yet, I go over to the DJ and ask if anyone has requested Bon Jovi this evening.

“No one? Great!”

Uh oh. Someone signed up for “Living on a Prayer” on the line above me. D*mn it! Ah well, there’s always Joan Jett’s “I Love Rock and Roll”. That’ll work!

In the meantime, I’m asked to dance to a slow, country song. I accept even though the guy is 4 inches shorter than me, but what the hell, it’s only a dance!

When the song is over, the dude asks me, “We could go to another bar for dancing. Do you listen to country music?”
I reply, “Never” .

He promptly stomps off.

What? What did I say? Whatever…I don’t want to go to a country bar anyway.

Army 10-Miler

I completed it! All without stopping once!

My final time: 1:55

I ran approximately a 12-minute pace the first 9 miles and sprinted the last mile. Not sure if that's a good strategy, but at least I finished!

Yay!

Lingerie Run 2006

This is me at the beginning of the evening....


....and this is me at the end of the evening....


Enough said!!

Army 10-Miler

...so I never thought I would be ambitious enough to attempt a race of this length...but people change...

I know several people that are running the Army 10-miler and although registrations are unavailable, I'm training for the race. Hopefully, some inebriated hasher that has too much fun on the DC Red Dress Run will be willing to transfer their rego to me.

...so please! let me know if you've got a rego available!

Training is cutting into my partying time, but it's worth it! I'm so proud of the fact that I can run consistently now. Yay! I'm pretty slow at the moment - about 11:00 mile and hoping to cut it to 10:00. Hey! We all have to start somewhere!

Hashing Disgrace

I'm a disgrace to the hashing community. What kind of hasher is incapable of holding their liquor? I swear I only have 3 states: stone-cold sober (most frequent state since I rarely drink while hashing), slightly buzzed, or totally drunk off my a$$. D*mn lightweight!

I totally got trashed last night because I piled a couple of glasses of wine on top of my pleasant buzz from happy hour rum and cokes. Pitiful! To make matters worse, I had to force myself to puke in order to get back into a semi-coherent state. I'm d*mn lucky to have good friends! Thanks, T and C!

Hash Wisdom

I'm not sure if I should identify the creator of this gem, but at least I'll share it with y'all:

"Every girl believes she has the golden vagina"

Ha! Too funny! ...and too true!

APB Alert!!

Mugging follow-up….

…so 2 of the juvenile delinquents who beat me up were caught the weekend after they attacked me. They ratted their 3^rd partner in crime out and have been sitting behind bars ever since waiting for their court hearings. Well, it turns out that 2 of the 3 aren’t juvies and will be tried as adults. I just received the word that today 1 of the perps was sentenced to 3 years in jail in the “big house” (aka maximum security prison) despite being a first-time offender. The 2^nd adult won’t be tried until August, but hopefully I’ll receive good news concerning him too. I won’t receive any notifications concerning the juvie because of his age. I’m not too concerned about him anyway since all he did was egg the other two on from a distance.

Yay for the justice system!

Another BAH3 6-miler

Daaaaamn! I’m having a good day! I don’t even flinch when the hare announces that the runners trail will be 5-ish miles long. I’m here for my exercise! Double-daaamn! I actually keep up with the front of the pack for the majority of the trail. What’s gotten into me today? 5 ½ miles later – I’m still going strong – very atypical. Is this a turning point in my running career? I certainly hope so!

But….ker...chunk – beer check – stop running for a bit and down a bottle of water.

Ooohhh…lookee – a rope swing hanging over the creek (pronounced “crick” for those of you from Hickville, DE)! Anyone test this bad boy out, yet? No?? Let me give it a whirl, then!

Oops! My wide birthing hips are too wide to fit between the ropes. Ah well, guess I’m gonna stand then. Yippee! Hope I don’t fall! I get an offer to be pushed, but decline the offer (you know, I really need to live life a little – why didn’t I take him up on the offer?).

Ah well…back to running….or not. I’ve found I’ve hit my limit – I’m a walker from here on out. Still…not too shabby for an ex-DFL! Total trail length? 6.6 miles

7 Shot Checks

What a turnout tonight! Boy! 163 hashers have shown up tonight cause the (8!!) hares have promised us 7 shot checks. Lord amercy! Will anyone be capable of walking after 7 shot checks + 1 beer check? And Cum Dumpling, where are you? You’re supposed to be helping me collect money and you’re late this week! By the time he finally arrives, I have a line out the yazoo and can’t even b*tch at him for b*tching at me last week! (Don’t you love female retribution?)

So the line is unmanageable, Cum Dumpling is late, Happy on his Knees chooses that moment to cut the line, and Can’t F*ck Dust wants to know if Tiny Balls has signed in. Give the money to Cum Dumpling, yell at Happy for cutting line, and no, Tiny Balls hasn’t signed in yet. Dust hands me paper bracelets to hand out to hashers signing in (even though 40 hashers have already signed in) – “They’re for the beer specials at the bar”. I assume Happy feels guilty for cutting the line, so he volunteers to help hand out the bracelets. Sheesh! What chaos!

Finally, a break! It’s 7:15pm, I’ve been signing people in for 45 minutes straight and when I finally have a moment to take my bag to the bag vehicle, I spot even MORE hashers showing up! Get here on time, you wankers! Late sign-in is going to be a b*tch tonight.

So it’s another wonderful 90-degree day with a slight breeze. Fortunately, it appears as if it might rain, which should help us avoid passing out from heat and alcohol exposure. Unfortunately, the trail is rather long – not that it really bothers me, but when you’re not expecting a long trail, it comes as a bit of a shock when the distance between some shot checks is more than a mile. As a result, KP gives the runners the option to cut the trail short at the beer check by running straight to the end circle. I, being the improving runner that I am, decide I’m going to eagle this trail (hmmm…what am I thinking?). Well, the 2^nd half ain’t that bad. We really only have 2 more shots at this point, so how much more running could we possibly have?

So I end up at the ending circle and begin my routine for late sign-in.

Dust comes by and asks, “Where’s Tiny Balls bag?”
“What bag?”
“The bag I asked you to give to him at sign-in.”
“Excuse me? I didn’t hear that. I told him that you were looking for him and that was it.”

So now I’m responsible for leaving someone’s brand new WH4 embroidered hash duffel bag among the homeless dudes at Union Station. Dude, I’m sorry, but approaching me when I’m trying to perform sign-in with 100 impatient hashers is not very good timing. Next time, find a non-critical person to perform your task. But would a homeless dude have really wanted a bag that said “Tiny Balls” anyway? I think not…

But lookee here! Clear evidence that the bag was sitting next to me the entire time! It's the greenish bag to my left....duh!

Fortunately, this story has a happy ending. Fizzy, being a responsible hasher, noticed the bag sitting by its lonesome with Tiny Balls’ name embroidered on the outside and carried it with him to the first shot check (which happened to be Roadkill’s place). Now Tiny just needs to chase Roadkill down for his duffel bag!