Lessons Learned: Whisky Tasting

1. Guilt is a powerful weapon when trying to coerce someone into doing something they are reluctant to do. Like painting houses.
2. If you are going to attend a whisky tasting party after spending the day painting an apartment building, make sure to take a nap between events.
3. @ss Spelunker owns a suit. In fact, he owns a blue pinstripe suit with a REAL silk shirt. I kid you not!
4. When you ask your significant other to look up an address, actually wait 1 minute before giving them the what-to-for. Otherwise, you will never know if he was just blowing you off or really was going to do the task in 1 minute.
5. Even if you try to dress conservatively, Christmas cleavage (whether a smidge or overflowing) provides holiday cheer.
6. There are many types of whisky: Scotch (single-malt or blended), Canadian, Irish, Bourbon, Rye, Corn (otherwise known as moonshine) – try not to sample them all in one evening.
7. When drinking whisky, nurse your drinks carefully and don’t pour more than a shot at a time. You may be able to continue tasting after 2 hours that way.
8. Although Military Special may not be of a caliber for a whisky tasting, it’s a great mixing whisky for those that can’t tolerate straight whisky and don’t want to be caught mixing the Chivas Regal with coke.
9. Whisky slush contains orange juice, lemonade, tea, and most importantly, whisky. This amalgamation is a delicious reminder of a whisky sour – and just as potent.
10. Real eggnog contains raw eggs and can give you food poisoning if not stored correctly. Instead, buy the eggnog that comes pre-mixed with rum – it contains no dairy or eggs, so poses no danger when left on a table full of mixers all night long.
11. You know you are drunk when the hostess points out that she forgot to put the mistletoe decorations up after you are caught making out with your significant other.
12. You know your significant other thinks you are drunk when he tells other guests in your presence that he plans on getting you drunk enough that he can do you up the butt.
13. A Santa hat that is longer than your dress, begs the question – is the hat too long? Or the dress too short?
14. Bring a box of macaroni and cheese to a party. When you get the food munchies past midnight, you can always make a tasty snack – even if you make it only with water.
15. You realize you passed out WAAAAY early when you wake up the next morning and there are other guests crashing who never saw you the previous night.

S.H.*.T. Hash #284

Due to some random decision on my part, I decide to attend the SH*T hash today (probably because it’s in Mclean). I don’t know what inspires me to brave this extremely cold (29º) and blustery day.

CO Kimchi Visitor
However, whatever my reason, I run into Nascock on his 2nd day in DC. Whattya know? A Colorado Kimchi hasher actually made it to the East Coast???!!! He’s surprised to see me too because for some strange reason, he thought I lived in Austin. Of course, I introduce Nascock to other SH*T hashers as the guy who took care of my “taco needs” while I was in Colorado Springs. And of course, he gets a few pictures of me with my CO Kimchi mug to post to the website.

I run just to keep warm, but that doesn’t mean that I run much or run fast. I’m having some difficulty with the shiggy because my headlamp isn’t very bright. Fortunately, just as I begin to realize that I’ve lost the trail, Lactose Tolerant joins up with me and helps me find my way back on trail. However, by this point, I am so far behind the pack that my little detour causes me to miss out on the first beer check. Boo!

Lesson Learned: While attempting a stream crossing, don’t set your feet down on leaves – there might not be a rock under those leaves.

Violations
Not surprisingly (it is a very small crowd), I am nominated for several rounds of violations:

First, I’m accused of running on the walker’s trail. However, I simply missed out on the runner’s dead end that ended in a back check that returned the runners to the walkers’ true trail arrow. So technically, I never left the runner’s trail.

Then, since the hare, Fire in the Cornhole, instructs the slower runners to head out of the beer check ASAP, Chlorine and I end up being the First B*tches In (FBI). I guess that’s to be expected when there are only 3 females are running on trail today.

Next, I get violated for failing to have high beams on trail. I really can’t help it if my headlamp batteries are dying. But don’t boo me for failing to flash my tits! Do you realize how cold it is out here?

Finally, I get nominated for hash sh*t because I’m wearing my houndstooth coat, which apparently causes people to think that they are looking at one of those 3-D puzzles. I have worn this coat so many times – I’m just NOW getting this violation??!!

Bar: The Mclean Pub

Lessons Learned: TRASH Prom from Hell

1. Don’t expect a road trip with 9 people to be short. There will be potty breaks, snack breaks, and dance breaks to extend the 5 hour trip into a never-ending van ride.
2. Never open the door of a moving vehicle. You never know who might end up as a chalk outline in the hotel parking lot.
3. Witnessing a hasher go down for the count will cause you to immediately reevaluate your religious beliefs. Also, it’s a serious buzzkill.
4. If you can’t recognize your significant other in a dark U-Haul until he laughs at your question, “What’s your hash name?”, you are either intoxicated or in need of glasses.
5. Ixnay on the vajayjay (independent noun clause, origin: Pig Latin): gynecological instructions following a routine pelvic exam that affect you and your partner for 10 days. Synonyms: frustration, aggravation, annoyance Antonym: satisfaction
6. Avoid drinking 151. It WILL cause you to puke. It’s only a matter of time.
7. If you cannot remember anything about the previous evening other than a bit of karaoke and standing in a U-Haul, it was a good pub crawl with plenty of alcohol.
8. Kool-aid can cure a hangover. I have never truly appreciated the wonders of fruit-flavored sugar water.
9. Don’t be surprised when the TRASH lays 2 back-to-back trails in a single afternoon because the first trail does not incorporate an acceptable level of shiggy.
10. Inquire about water hazards before setting out on trail. That way a search party doesn’t need to go out when you’re an hour late to circle because you decided to backtrack the entire trail.
11. Even after witnessing multiple TRASH bibbings in the past year, you still gag at the sight of bib mix being poured on the bib-ees.
12. Always have a back-up transportation plan after a TRASH bibbing. Do you want to be in a U-Haul with that bib stench permeating the vehicle?
13. Buck-a-fuffalo dressed as a leprechaun looks an awful lot like Rusty Prick.
14. Dolly Style makes a very good impression of Gene Simmons when wearing face paint. I really had no idea that he was metallically lisping “Stand By Your Man” until it was announced half-way through his song performance.
15. It has come to my attention that I must implement a new rule in the ongoing care of @ss Spelunker: Tippy cup is only permitted during ½ hour blocks following an acceptable period on the bench. As unfortunate as this sounds, this prevention measure is necessary to avoid carrying 150 lbs of dead weight.
16. A short lunch at Ruby Tuesdays can turn into a 3-hour pit stop if your waitress loses your order.
17. The road trip back home with 9 people in a supposedly 15-person van is hellish. If you aren’t combating space, comfort ability, or hangover issues then you have the other passengers’ day-after-drunkfest gastral juices and odors to contend with.

Bars: I really have no idea what bars I went to on the pub crawl, but Prom was held at Drifter’s Saloon.

Tupperware is Moving to CO

Another hasher is moving to CO. This time, it is the lovely Tuppy, founder of the SH*T hash.

Good luck!

WH4 Hash #1160

It’s been a while since I’ve been at White House. I checked my run count and I’m at a piddling 56 runs today. Boo! I’ve got 44 more runs before I even qualify for my pewter mug. Even though I’m 54 runs away from earning my EWH3 wooden mug, I’m certain I will have the EWH3 mug before the WH4 one. At least I have my Colorado Kimchi mug to tide me over until sometime next year. Thanks, Brownie! BTW, Dust Balls, if you read this, I have your mug too. He is a hard person to track down, that Old Fart hasher.

Today we are in College Park. Ahhh!! My old stomping grounds when I attended UMD. I bet there will be some good shiggy today. I definitely am packing a change of socks and shoes for this one. Of course, the last time I ran one of Peace O’Chum’s trails at BAH3, I ended up wading through a creek up to my waist. Hopefully, the water level isn’t that high at this time of year.

Chum does not disappoint. I wade across 4-5 streams, sample some apple pie shots while in a tunnel, run next to an airfield and the metro train tracks, all while avoiding most local roads. Quite impressive! I do have to wonder how she finds her unmarked trails through the woods, though. And although I am not keeping track, Bad Dog beats me to the end during the last ¼ mile, which makes me the DFL (I think?). And he was wearing a tux on trail too! I suck balls!

Fortunately at the end, I get to sample some more of those lovely apple pie shots in my brand new wooden mug. I have to spit out some grit though. Is it from the cider or from the mug, I wonder? Ahhhh, well, I knew I should have rinsed the mug out before taking my first sip.

Milestones

A-Salt My @ss is the first person to christen the backseat of my Mini Cooper. Not much later, though, RPI gets a ride too.

Safety Third

I’m sure we all know that beer is of primary importance to a hasher, followed very closely by sex. At the WH4 camping trip this year (which I did not attend), safety was invariably proven to be a third priority. This resulted in the creation of the safety third arm cast (btw, EWH3 stole the safety third cast shortly after its inception and returned the cast after desecrating it by affixing several local hash stickers upon it). Any violation regarding safety requires the violated party to drink from a vessel wearing the cast. Since you are unable to bend your arm, the beer ALWAYS ends up on your clothes. Today we are honored to have 3 safety third violations.

Rant

It’s my fault, I suppose, but the bar served my sandwich cold. I just assumed that a corned beef sandwich would come out hot. Serves me right for not specifying.

Bar: Cornerstone Grill

Lessons Learned: Thanksgiving Week

1. If you ask for assistance to place your cat in a cat carrier, be wary of the methods employed to achieve that goal. Your cat may end up spazzing out from its mad dash to escape a sadistic torturer.
2. Pay attention to the time and time zone changes. Discovering that your seats have been given away because you boarded a plane with only 10 minutes to spare will put you in a bad mood.
3. Download movies to the iPod. That way the significant other will not b*tch in public about the laptop being stored in an overhead compartment.
4. Ensure the significant other informs his family about OUR hashing plans a month in advance. That way they will not organize the grandmother’s birthday barbeque at a time when we cannot attend.
5. The Border Jumper hash rocks! What other hash would postpone their regular hash start time to accommodate your travel plans?
6. Who in their right mind would own a passel full of yapping Chihuahuas? One is bad enough, but to place 5 in a yard as attack dogs is ludicrous.
7. Do not set your beer down where a 2-year old is capable of obtaining a quick nip. You may earn the Border Jumpers hash shit for your mistake.
8. I used to like football – before I was forced to watch 10 hours of it. West of the Mississippi, you can watch football non-stop starting at 10am. On a related note, you will always root for your home team even when they suck, if it will manage to piss somebody off.
9. Don’t play video games in front of 8-year olds. They will ask to play when you don’t feel like sharing.
10. GPS navigational software is not very reliable when performing local searches. To date, it has 3 strikes against it for providing faulty directions to non-existent bowling alleys, miniature golf courses, and chocolate shops.
11. If your wife has put the kibosh on your drinking, don’t call her after downing 2 shots of tequila and a couple of beers. She WILL know.
12. You can avoid airplane viruses by sucking on throat lozenges. Of course, knowing this AFTER coming down with a 102-degree fever does you no good.
13. Cover your mouth when coughing. Loogies do not belong on a laptop keyboard.
14. Sick people make great designated drivers. As long as the drugs they’re consuming don’t make them sleepy.
15. If you live in the state of MD, you can ship wine to yourself, but you can’t purchase it online. Bummer.
16. Guitar hero is an addictive game. Even when you’re stuck playing the trial version in Best Buy. What dork would do that?
17. Ethiopian food is fun and nutritious! Where else can you eat with your hands and be guaranteed a dairy-free meal?
18. Shuffleboard is a very competitive game at the VFW. So is the lottery. At least the beers are only $1.25 a piece.
19. A dip in the Occoquan River in November guarantees you a spot in the Polar Bear Club (otherwise known as the Idiot Brigade). Afterwards, it might be prudent to get your shots updated too.
20. Bondage porn is very dissatisfying if you’re not into that stuff. Come on! Where’s the penetration??!!! On the other hand, 80s porn is very humorous. Don’t you find mullets and unshaved beavers sexy?

Bars: Old Horse Saloon, Joe’s Billiard Hall, Etete, Occoquan VFW

The Dangers of Over-Packing

Due the generosity of the Arizona taxpayers, I am currently seated in the Phoenix terminal during my 2 1/2 hour layover utilizing public Wi-Fi to update my blog. My trip to NM was interesting although I can't call it a success (I'll get more into that later).

Regardless, I want to warn people of the dangers of over-packing. I thought I was a smart packer by packing a suitcase that was 43 lbs. for my trip out west. However, I didn't account for my shopping tendency and managed to buy 4 bottles of wine during my trip. I should've shipped them to myself, but thought I would take the chance that they wouldn't cause my suitcase to go overweight. Boy, was I wrong! I dropped my suitcase onto the scale at the check-in counter this morning and it hit a whopping 57 lbs. Uh oh!

I would've paid the extra fee if it was only $25 and not have to deal with the hassle of finding a shipper in the airport, but the fee is $50 for the extra 7 lbs. Ugggghhhh!

Fortunately, @ss was willing to check his backpack, so we removed 2 of my wine bottles and wrapped them up securely in his backpack. Hopefully, they survive the trip intact. Anyways, removing the 2 wine bottles dropped my suitcase weight to 50.5 lbs and the attendant let me slide with the 1/2 lb overage.

SUV update

So, $868 later and my SUV is fixed. Didn’t know I was having car trouble? Well, it all started when….

My good mechanic friend helped me pick up my new Mini Cooper from the dealer. I drove my SUV out to Annapolis and he drove my SUV back while I drove the Mini. After dropping my SUV at my house, he tells me my shifter has much more play since the last time he drove it. Hmmm….I can’t say I’m surprised because when others are driving my SUV, they have trouble finding some of the gears.

And…

Laa-Laa informs me at the Blue Hen Analversary weekend that 2 of my 3 back brake lights are burned out. Jeez! It’s a wonder I haven’t been rear-ended or pulled over for that.

So, last Thursday I drop my SUV at the mechanic with 4 complaints:

1. Inspect shifter
2. Brake lights
3. Engine noise – drive belt perhaps?
4. Burning oil smell – oil change perhaps? Its been about 4K miles since the last one.
   

Later that day I get the synopsis:

1. Shifters been worn out to the point that not only are bushings worn out, but all the widgets up to the shift lever are ground to dust.
2. Brake lights will take 10 minutes to replace.
3. The engine noise I’ve been hearing for 3 weeks are the oil pressure flaps. I’ve burnt my oil to a crisp. They’re going to perform an oil change and also include an additive to decrease the viscosity of the oil for the next oil change.
4. And that smell I just decided to check out on the way to the mechanic? Oh, that was just my brakes. My front left caliper locked up and scraped my brake pads down until there was nothing left.
   

Lord almighty! It’s a wonder that I haven’t been the cause of 6-car pileup with these sorts of car problems! All I can say is that driving back and forth to VA Beach has been hellish on my poor SUV. I’ve practically run it into the ground.

Well, no more of that from now on. Whether or not I drive 3K miles or not, I’m changing/adding fluids every 6 months (especially since the Mini doesn’t require servicing until 15K miles). I want my SUV to last a long, long time.

Thanksgiving in Las Cruces, NM

So I’ve been dating @ss Spelunker for about 8 months now and it has now come to that point in time where we get to meet each other’s family. Fortunately for me, @ss has chosen to visit his dad this year, so spending Thanksgiving meeting his dad and siblings should be painless. Although I’m sure his mom and grandmother are easy-going, men are just waaaaay more laid back about meeting girlfriends.


So, we fly to El Paso this Saturday where we plan to immediately hash with the Border Jumpers and party with them until we are either too drunk to move or until his family calls wondering where we are. After that it will be random family time/sightseeing around Las Cruces, NM through Wednesday when we head back down to El Paso to watch Butt Darts perform his comedy routine. Then more family time until we fly out Friday afternoon.


But guess what @ss gets to do when we arrive back in Baltimore on Friday evening? Yep, the family fun time isn’t over yet! A 1½-hour drive to DE to meet MY dad, siblings, and grandparents. Depending on how ambitious I am and how stubborn @ss is to wake up on Saturday morning, I may drag him out to my high school for the annual Reindeer Stampede 5K. Since he loves to win races, I’d like to see if he can beat the course record of 16:43. He claims he can run 5½-minute miles for short segments. Let’s see what he’s made of!

Lessons Learned: OBX Marathon Weekend

1. 
   Just because you pick up some eye candy, does not mean that the person makes good hasher material. Especially when the person believes in working 20 and sleeping 4 hours each day.
2. 
   Follow the flow of traffic while driving a new car. Just because the dealer told you that you can’t drive above 80 mph for the 1st 1000 miles, doesn’t mean a cop won’t pull you over for doing a 69 in a 55 after your car fails to appear as a registered vehicle.
3. 
   If you absolutely need to take a piss, it is better to piss along the side of the road than to stop at a deserted gas station. The 45 minutes you spend in handcuffs claiming innocence of drug trafficking, drinking and driving, and urinating in public to 5 NC state troopers is just not worth it.
4. 
   Just because you are capable of providing a reminder, does not mean that the reminder will grant you a free pass to a blowjob or butt sex. And intentions to steal the booty could result in losing your turn.
5. 
   Don’t park your car near trees. Even if you only park for an hour, you could return to find that a flock of birds dumped their load on your vehicle.
6. 
   Always put a sheet down when sleeping on a foreign couch. There may be a reason that you weren’t invited to sleep on the couch in the first place – try flea powder in sensitive areas.
7. 
   Hashers of all abilities are capable of running a half-marathon with no training. You may not finish in under 2 ½ hours, but you’ll finish.
8. 
   Tell your significant other BEFORE a race to return to mile marker 10 to pace you to the finish line. That way he doesn’t look bad, lose his free pass blowjob, and have to spend an hour freezing his @ss off while you debate running the last 3 miles.
9. 
   If there is free beer available, hashers will figure out a way to drink it. Even if it means borrowing a finisher’s medal and aluminum wrap for 5 minutes to score the wristband that grants 6 beers.
10. 
    Chafing marks are unattractive, however, jock itch is both unattractive and contagious. Which would you rather choose if asked to perform oral sex?
11. 
    Even though Veteran’s Day is a Federal holiday, don’t expect a great turnout at a post-hash beer pong game. I guess even Tidewater hashers don’t want to show up for work with hangovers.
12. 
    Being sporked could mean 2 things: 1. Hitting a pong ball into a full vessel while playing beer pong. 2. Using Spock’s “Live Long and Prosper” hand signal to give your partner an alternative version of a shocker.
13. 
    Having a massage after running a half-marathon can be beneficial as long as you drink plenty of water afterwards and your quads are still capable of performing toilet seat squats.
14. 
    Crabs. The gift that keeps on giving. Especially when you slice your thumb picking at them.
15. 
    Sleeping for 1 hour prior to a 3-hour return journey will reduce the risk of falling asleep at the wheel. That and drinking a bottle of water to ensure regular pit stops.
    
    

Bars: Coastal Flats, Dogfish Head Ale House, Modern, Capital City Brewing Company, The R Bar

Lessons Learned: Blue Hen 15th Analversary Weekend

1. Surprised by Friday night bar congestion? Don’t be. It IS the University’s Parents’ weekend, after all. I’m sure all the parents are simply trying to obliterate the thoughts of what a 5-year education costs these days.
2. Don’t assume that a Pub Crawl will not incorporate some bit of running. Even if downtown Newark, DE is only a ½ mile long, trail can still be long and zig-zag in every direction away from and around the bars.
3. Don’t lay trail on railroad tracks in Newark, DE. Due to the proliferation of tracks and railyards, cops are especially vigilant of university students (or hashers) taking shortcuts. Also, the fact that the 90-mph Acela train cuts through the town on its way to NYC is a slight discouragement too.
4. Hashers can even offend local tree-huggers at their hang-out by singing “Jesus Saves”. It’s not because the tree-huggers find the lyrics offensive, it’s because they find the presence of “Jesus freaks” offensive.
5. Blue Hen hashers enter the Iron Hill Brewery with the sole intent to see how long it takes to get kicked out. Tonight’s sojourn is a Blue Hen hash record – 45 minutes (although only 5 minutes after their rendition of S&M man starts).
6. It may be wise to inform local hashers about the significant other – that way they don’t attempt to kick him out of the bar for hitting on his girlfriend.
7. Try to keep the significant other sober enough so that he won’t perform shocking feats like giving oral sex or a shocker in the presence of family. Or if he insists on drinking, ensure he is too drunk to contemplate sex.
8. Introduce scrapple to non-Delawareans. If it tastes good, does it matter what it’s made of?
9. Delaware hashing guarantee: Trail might not be dry, trail might not be short, but trail will most certainly be flat!
10. The concept of a beer mile can be applied to any sport, including baseball. Try chugging 3 cans of beer while running around a baseball diamond. First into homeplate without puking wins!
11. You can puke from several orifices at once. Namely mouth and nose. I’d like to see both ears next.
12. Holding a hasher after-party in a church may be unusual, but holding one in the Sunday School playroom is just a bad idea. It may be best next time to find a location that you are not guaranteed to lose your deposit on.
13. You can wear out your welcome by performing all of the following activities: building a castle wall from school room playtoys, having a wrestling match that ends up being a human pile-up, playing Beirut beer pong and spilling the beer on the school room carpet, putting a Barbie dress on your cock, peeking in school kids’ lockers, and bringing hard liquor to the school room when beer just isn’t enough.
14. Emphasize to the hare the definition of a hangover trail PRIOR to setting trail: “Short-ish type trail with plenty of beer checks and little physical jarring of brain activity.”
15. Even if 1/3 of the pack gets lost on trail and finds their way off-trail to the ending location, the remainder of the pack is only concerned about the safety of the lost hasher dog.
16. Circle always ends when the pizza delivery boy arrives. Do you want cold pizza?
17. When it takes 4 hours to drive home, don’t expect to catch the Patriots-Colts game live on television unless you have time for a lengthy pit stop.

Bars: Deer Park Tavern, Grotto’s Pizza, Home Grown, Iron Hill Brewery, East End Cafe

440th EWH3 Hash

Just like last year, EWH3 has put together a “Choose Your Own Adventure” hash. Hashers have the choice of 3 trails with 2 different starting locations: 9-mile ball-buster starting at Tenleytown and working it’s way across the Potomac to Arlington, a “regular” 4-5 mile trail and a walker’s trail – both starting at Courthouse. I am running the regular trail – I am still not ball-buster material, especially now that I can barely run 5 miles without stopping.

Rant:

I’m partly at fault on this one, but I truly did not see any flour anywhere. We come out of the ravine underneath I-66 and navigate around an apartment complex. At the far corner, I spot a true trail arrow that appears to lead down the road. Unfortunately, under the cover of trees and darkness, I don’t see any flour on the sidewalk up until the next street. So like a good hasher, I investigate the surrounding area. I go down to the Custis trail to see if there are any marks on the bike path. None. I check the opposite sidewalk to see if the flour jumped to the other side of the road. Nothing. There’s about 10 of us lost at this point. What’s last resort? Use a cell phone to find the beer check. We’ve been stuck here about 15 minutes. Thankfully, we are able to contact the brew crew and get directions. Unfortunately, we discover that trail is marked on the trees – we just weren’t very good at spotting it. Uggghhh!! I hate when that happens!

Circle gets broken up – again! I wish this would stop happening. Apparently, we aren’t circling up fast enough as people are mingling for over an hour before we start circle. I don’t notice these trends because I don’t wear a watch, but I will admit that I seem to be leaving the hash later and later each week – or maybe that’s due to other reasons, hmmmm?

Transplanted Cousin

Well, I postponed it twice, but I finally meet my cousin for dinner tonight at Spices in Cleveland Park. It’s a fabulous sushi restaurant, so I highly recommend a visit. The long and short is that she is now working in DC, moved into an apartment with a college friend, and is probably going to break up with her boyfriend this weekend. Ahhh….to be 22 again! I remember those days!

Here P*ssy, P*ssy

I seem to be in the mood to spend money recently. What is my newest purchasing decision? A cat. Or rather 2 of them. Why cats? They’re pretty easy to take care of compared to dogs. Why now? I’ve always had animals in my life. It just took me this long to get over the death of my cat 2 years ago. Why 2 cats? Cause they’ll keep each other company during my working hours and on the weekends I travel to hashing events.

I’ve Made My Decision!

It’s taken me long enough, but today I finally have some free time to make the short jaunt over to Annapolis to test drive a Mini Cooper. This car is an absolute pleasure to drive! I take a few windy roads and play with shifting in and out of gears while going through turns – what fun! So, I custom-order the car as soon as I return to the dealer. Why? Apparently, 60% of cars purchased from Mini are custom builds. The dealership usually only stocks about 30 cars on the lot and many of those are custom-builds that a customer changed his mind about.

So what exactly did I get? A Mini Cooper S with the double-paned sunroof in dark blue with an interior to match. I threw in the upgraded sound system, a center armrest, mudflaps, and a boot box (otherwise known as trunk compartments). I’m told my car will arrive in 6 weeks. The countdown begins!

Song: Empty Space

I actually wrote this song around the end of last month, but as you can see, I’ve been quite delayed in posting. I actually considered it an unfinished work and then today decided it was meaty enough to complete. I fixed the rhythm (which was inconsistent) and assigned a chorus (which is again 2 stanzas). I can envision this as a rock power ballad if rock power ballads ever gain popularity again.

I wake up in the morning

And you’re not there

The space where you should be

Is empty and bare

Chorus:

It’s that empty space

That makes me bitter

Only your voice each morning

Keeps me centered

It’s that empty space

That invades my soul

Steals a piece of me

And obliterates all

I am bereft and forlorn

Without your heat

When it wraps around me

And throughout my sheets

Chorus:

It’s that empty space

That makes me bitter

Only your voice each morning

Keeps me centered

It’s that empty space

That invades my soul

Steals a piece of me

And obliterates all

How much longer

Must this go on

Where I wake up

And miss your form

Chorus:

It’s that empty space

That makes me bitter

Only your voice each morning

Keeps me centered

It’s that empty space

That invades my soul

Steals a piece of me

And obliterates all

For now I rely on memories

Of moments together

And ignore the emptiness

My soul has weathered

Virginia Derby and Busch Gardens: 25-ish Lessons Learned

1. Don’t be surprised when you’re nominated to be a hare 10 minutes before the hash is to begin. And don’t be surprised when you must drink for laying a sh*tty trail. However, you can earn a free, warm Sparks from Barcode B*tch if the trail is short and stroller-friendly.
2. Trust in your parking karma to score a sweet parking spot in front of the track. However, don’t expect to arrive at the entrance before the rest of the group when a passenger chooses to chug a Sparks upon arrival.
3. Don’t expect reliable advice from an expert horse agent for your gambling tips at Colonial Downs. Especially when they’re drunk.
4. Make sure you know HOW to place a bet when you approach the teller. If you say your bet incorrectly, you still have to pay for it. Didn’t want the 2, 4, and 7 horses in a trifecta? Too bad. Pay up.
5. Bring a lawn chair to the Virginia Derby. Most of the available stadium seating will be occupied by senior citizens.
6. Don’t exclude longshots from your betting. Just because they’re not popular betting choices, doesn’t mean the horses can’t run. And win.
7. It pays to know the beer wench. You can have all-you-can-drink beer for only $4.
8. If you grew up in the shadow of a gambler and spent your entire childhood at the racetrack, you are a hot commodity come Derby day.
9. Don’t expect to find a franchised restaurant on VA Rte. 17 north of I-64. There aren’t any.
10. Turkeys are mean sons-of-b*tches if you approach them. Avoid them whenever possible, but especially when they’re hissing at you.
11. Watching a black lab chase a turkey around a backyard and into the neighboring woods is the funniest sh*t EVER! Hearing the bird’s terrified squawks are the best part.
12. Stand near a male as a preventive measure from dancefloor stalkers. If that doesn’t work, then drag your significant other onto the dancefloor. Also, dancefloor stalkers are NEVER taller than 5’5”
13. Apparently, kissing your significant other while at a bar will encourage your best friend to score a playtoy for the evening. Cause who wants to be the third wheel?
14. If you lose your drunk hairdresser at the bar, don’t expect to find her again until the next morning. Paging her via the DJ and walking around the bar for a ½ hour will not locate someone that has left.
15. A guy does not have to be attractive in order to dance well. Or at least, he seemed attractive before he took his hat off.
16. Don’t ask drunk people to navigate. You may end up making more U-turns in 5 minutes than you usually make in an entire week.
17. Take a dump before your morning run or trust in your karma to provide a port-a-potty at Mile 1.
18. Don’t forget to tip your waitress for breakfast. Otherwise, you will get heckled by your friends for your mistake and be required to return to the diner to make reparations.
19. Military types get in free to Busch Gardens. But they still have to pay $10 for parking in an auxiliary lot that is a ½ mile from the main entrance. This exorbitant fee can be circumvented by driving directly to the lot rather than waiting in line at the main entrance.
20. Expect long lines at Busch Gardens. For everything. Including food.
21. Season pass ticket holders get discounts on everything including food and parking. And if you’re a VA resident, the season pass costs $54. If you don’t live in VA, you’re SOL.
22. Apparently, you can acquire the habits of your significant other which can include stuttering, whining, and thriftiness even as you’re trying to curb/train these habits.
23. If you’re gonna do something gay at Busch Gardens, do something that doesn’t occupy an hour of your 6-hour time schedule. Waiting for the Corkscrew Hill ride is NOT worth it. Especially, if it is your significant other’s favorite ride.
24. Second to Corkscrew Hill, the American Jukebox performance is the gayest show at Busch Gardens; the performers wear gay-colored jump suits with ruffled sleeves during the 70’s bit. What college kid would admit to performing this on their resume? At least there isn’t an hour-long wait, though.
25. When eating a smoked turkey leg, think of the 30-lb. turkey from the previous evening and look forward to slaughtering it come Thanksgiving.
26. Don’t be on top on the morning prior to your weekly long training run. Your knees will NOT forgive you.

Bars: Colonial Downs Racetrack, Saddle Ridge

Total Bar Count: 98

Total DC Bars: 50

Week 1: Long Training Run

Start time: 9:00am
Mileage: 2.49 miles
Time: 27:28
Temperature: 81 F
Terrain: Pretty flat pavement

Ugghhh! I SO do not want to get up this morning to run 4 miles. But I've got to. I'm certainly not gonna want to run 4 miles after I finish riding roller coasters at Busch Gardens. I should've gotten up an hour ago. It's so d*mn hot out! And I stayed up waaaaay too late last night at Saddle Ridge.

My knee is throbbing. That's all @ss's fault.

And when I get back to Hoover's aunt's house, Hoover tells me that she would've gone running with me. You friggin' said no!

D*mn! I certainly did wake up on the wrong side of the bed today. I'm extremely b*tchy. I hope its just because I'm tired...

Week 1: Training Run #3

Start time: 5:30am
Mileage: 2.00 miles
Time: 21:02
Temperature: 61 F
Terrain: Pretty flat pavement

God! How can I get up this early in the morning before the sun is even up? I have no choice today though. I've got to take my cousin to the airport and pack for VA Beach this weekend. At least it's over quickly.

And I won my bet with @ss. I got home before 11pm last night!

Week 1: Training Run #2

Start time: 8:00pm
Mileage: 3.00 miles
Time: 32:01
Temperature: 88 F
Terrain: Pretty flat pavement

An improvement of 20 seconds over yesterday. Who woulda thunk it?