Aunty Wendy and Other Familial Ponderings: 10 Lessons Learned

1. You will get yelled at for teaching a baby the word “poop”. Using the 4-letter alternative as your defense does not pardon your actions.
2. Do not wear white around babies. You may get pooped on. And no, poop is not sterile – wash your hands.
3. Babies like bumpy rides in a 20-year old carriage. Who knew that getting your brain rattled in a carriage was a pre-cursor to our love for roller coasters?
4. Babies can create boogers as large as adult boogers. I guess some things just don’t grow proportionally over time.
5. The hardest core drinkers are those that are under 21 and over 50 (with the exception of myself – and I just get plastered quickly). Why is it always the ones that have something to prove?
6. Apparently, Aunty Wendy is a silly-looking human being that inspires laughter. What? Do I have green stuff stuck between my teeth?
7. Either Grammy’s beds or the DE air are laced with chloroform cause everyone was asleep by 9:30pm and didn’t wake up until 8am. Maybe it’s the methane from the neighboring cow farm?
8. The biggest selling beers in the sticks are Coors Light and Natty Light – even Miller Light is upscale for the local beer and wine store. Have I just stepped into another century? Thank God my brother brought a case of bottled Yuengling.
9. According to my grandpa, my family’s residence is the ideal vacation spot compared to Rehobeth Beach and Virginia Beach. Of course it is, Gramps! No cable, no internet, no nightlife, no hashing – where else would I rather go?
10. When you wake up the morning after and your head aches and you’ve got bruises on your chest – don’t imagine that you’ve had another drunken interlude with Hoover. Nope, your baby nephew simply pulled all your hair out of your head and beat it against your chest during the previous evening.