CoTEX – 25-ish Lessons Learned

Although my lessons are numbered 1 through 25, my first 4 lessons are several-part lessons (which is why it’s 25-ish).

1. Some lessons are NOT learned – at Texas Interhash, hashers discovered that interactions with the locals can end up in fights, with stolen property, and threats from the property manager. Sounds eerily reminiscent of this past weekend, doesn’t it? As a result, the following lessons are belatedly coming to fruition:
1. Locals in a secluded pop-500 town will crash a hasher party for the beer.
2. Another corollary: Don’t assume locals are invited simply cause some of the harrierettes decide to hook up with them.
3. Keep valuables locked. That way they won’t disappear when everyone goes to bed.
4. Threatening the locals with police intervention or holding a cowboy hostage is a successful strategy in recovering stolen property.
5. Beware of overly greedy property managers. They most likely do not have hasher’s best interests at heart.
2. Don’t bother with eating the food at a “resort”:
1. The “resort” food is overpriced, overcooked, and will not stay put in your stomach anyways.
2. There are always generous hashers with RVs and camping equipment to mooch off of.
3. The town is only 5 miles away. Usually, a hasher can down enough aspirin in the a.m. to withstand the short drive for breakfast. Plan to have a designated driver for other meals.
4. Snack food was included in the registration price. Chips, veggies, and bagels with beer might not be the healthiest meal, but they’ll keep you satiated for a long time.
5. Even if you take up a collection to feed 2 desperately inebriated hashers, you have no guarantee that they will actually eat.
3. Brownie trails are lessons unto themselves:
1. Pub crawls designed by Brownie will inevitably only include a maximum of 3 bars. He will either pass out at the third bar or some act of God will prevent a trail to the fourth bar to be laid.
2. Any trail that takes 4 hours to lay will result in the pack laying their own trail. However, Brownie will provide special rewards to the nuts running his 4-hour trail: a bottle of Night Train and a ¼-mile ride back to the main bunkhouse. Wow! Isn’t he a great hare.
3. Do not lay a trail with green vegetables on green grass. Color-blind hashers may have trouble distinguishing the broccoli from the lawn.
4. If you are a male v*rgin with pencil-eraser-sized nips, you may:
1. Be requested to go shirtless
2. Receive titty-twisters 20 times a day
3. Get named
4. Have a tit-off with a harrierette
5. If you get into a knock-down, hair-pulling fight with someone, at least remember the reason why you almost strangled the person. Also, don’t assume that your best friend or girlfriend will not help the other side.
6. If you find several glow sticks in your bed, you should rightly assume that you were anally probed by aliens in the middle of the night.
7. If you feel a warm body part on your leg, it is either a c*ck or an @ss crack.
8. Just because you are shown a picture of a 13-Oreo c*ck, do not claim to be 2 Oreos larger than the picture. Cause harrierettes WILL acquire a sleeve of Oreos to perform measurements.
9. A normal size girl can “ride” an albino midget, but an albino midget cannot “ride” a normal size girl.
10. Don’t perform handsprints on gravel, you may resemble Jesus Christ afterwards.
11. If you have plans to sleep with someone, make sure you tell that person before they decide to sleep with someone else.
12. Don’t assume that since bars are open until 1am that the main bunkhouse will remain open until that time. There are people sleeping in that building – didn’t you know?
13. Why sleep in a bed when you can sleep in the back of a SUV? We all KNOW how comfortable that is.
14. On-on ale will give you a killer hangover. However, when there is only 1 tap available, tap the keg with the biggest kick.
15. Wearing a tube top while dancing will cause you to inadvertently flash the bar.
16. Don’t sing karaoke to unfamiliar country songs. No matter how good you THINK you are – you are not.
17. Chuck E Cheeks can tell entertaining hasher stories for hours on end. He’s like a hasher “whisperer”.
18. If you’re painting your nails while playing 3-man, remember to use acrylic nail polish (cause of your fingernail oil). Also, try to be sober enough to accompany your best friend on the turkey trail.
19. Dancing in nothing but your cowboy boots will put doubts upon a previous 15-Oreo claim.
20. Ask and you shall receive: a strip lap-dance for a 16-year-old’s birthday? No problem. Who let that 16-year-old hash anyways?
21. If you go to the Purple Castle with the intention of earning a sticker by eating everything on your plate, try to order a plate that at least “sounds” small.
22. Also, throwing up your food once you’ve eaten it, will not qualify you for the clean plate sticker….unless the event occurs after viewing the contents of the latrine in Brownie’s backyard.
23. Don’t assume that sleeping arrangements can’t change after the first night. Anything is possible. Remember the TRASH saying: “You don’t lose your girlfriend, you just lose your turn.”
24. When administering apple pie shots, remember to inspect all eye protection and hole sizes. If necessary, enlarge holes and borrow glasses.
25. A dog tag to proclaim your property is simply not enough. Belt a chastity chain around your property’s waist to ensure it doesn’t stray.

Bars: Artic, Benny’s, Dutch Mill Tavern, Phantom Canyon, Ritz, South Park Saloon

Total Bar Count: 81

Total DC Bars: 38

I was actually in 2 additional bars during the CoTex Pub Crawl, but was too drunk to drink in either of them.