Lynchburg Red Dress Run: Bar Crawl

Designer brings me the thrift store dress she picked up for me. What a cool dress!! It looks like something a female Nascar driver would wear. It zips up completely in the front and has some bad-@ss zippers, mesh fabric and pull strings all over. It’s so fabulous – It’s perfect for this country town and I can zip it up as high (or low!) as I want it to go. What’s even better?!! I even have pockets for my ID and my lip gloss. I loooove multi-functional dresses!!

We arrive at the bar, T.C. Trotters, and meet some fabulous Lynchburg hashers right off the bat. Gotta give props to Pink Panther who organized the whole shindig. Great work, man! And then I can’t forget the luscious and entertaining beauties Ain’t Your F*cking Mama and Sexual Chocolate.

Since I owe Designer for the dress and Chlorine for the ride, I buy several rounds of shots. First up, SoCo and lime. I happen to like this drink, but the bartender truly f*cked this one up cause it tastes horrible. How can you mess up Southern Comfort and lime juice?? Alright, lets try some Buttery Nipples! Yum!! Chlorine likes those so much that she even buys another round of them. Girls! I think we’ve caught up now!

Next stop – the Holiday Inn. WTF?? A Holiday Inn?? Apparently, their karaoke bar is one of the most happening places in this town. Who woulda thunk it? Well, they’re popular enough to have a bouncer manning the door. He asks for ID when our group walks up.

I unzip my dress and show off my cleavage, “Here’s my ID!”

Of course he lets me in! And I forgot to mention earlier, with each shot at T.C. Trotters, my dress zipper migrated farther and farther down. Hee hee!!

Now let me tell you that this Holiday Inn bar is completely filled with southern black folk. I have no issue with black folk, but to use Hoover’s terminology, I’m getting some serious STINKEYE from the mamas in the room. Ladies! I’m here for a good time! I don’t want your men!! Regardless, their looks are a bit discomforting, so I zip my dress up substantially. D*mn!! I sure am intimidated easily. However, I AM in Jerry Falwell’s hometown – I’m sure those of the Baptist persuasion think I’m a she-devil in my red dress.

I love me some karaoke – just cause I’m getting some nasty looks from the mamas, I’m not gonna stop from singing a song. Chlorine and I go up for Pat Benatar’s “Hit Me with your Best Shot”. And look who joins us – Ain’t Your F*cking Mama! D*mn!! That woman has got some pipes on her! And does she impress the crowd when she does Tina Turner’s version of “Proud Mary”! Lord amercy!! Give that woman a record contract – stat!!

Now Dirty Dawg wants us to drink the free beer at the hotel – and I can’t say I blame him – I don’t know who’s supplying my beers at this bar, but I certainly haven’t paid for a single one. It sure is fun being drunk and single!!

Room party in Designer’s room!! My gosh!! Designer has a slideshow going on her laptop - look at the pics from the WH4 holiday party!! I need to get my hands on those – very incriminating (hee hee!!). From this point onwards, things are very fuzzy….

Lubricunt doesn’t have a red dress to wear tomorrow, so she asks me if she can try mine on. Of course, honey – let me take it off for you. Yes, I just removed my dress in a roomful of people. I’m wearing a bra and panties – what’s the big f*cking deal?? Then @ss Spelunker tries on my dress. I think I’m incoherent by that point. I put my dress back on temporarily (or not) when Designer kicks us out of her room. I then pass out in the next room that the group treks to…..

Bars: T.C. Trotters & the bar at the Holiday Inn
Total Bar Count: 18
Total DC Bars: 8