How far have I fallen?

So this is me at Tidewater Green Dress on 3/16/07 at 172 lbs (I know this because my driver's license picture was taken 4 days later and I don't fib about my weight).


And this is me on 3/21/08 at 220 lbs in Las Vegas for Hermie and TOM's Elvis wedding.


Ugghhh! Now you see why I had to join WW! I gained a solid 50 lbs in 1 year!

I'm on a diet

I wrote this post back on April 13th, but am just now posting it...

I guess I’m overdue on a progress report. I’m still running daily; trying to get in shape for the fall running season. And I’m still struggling to run 3 miles. I can run 2 miles consistently, but my mileage can’t seem to creep beyond that before my shins and knees start hurting.

Slurpee has been running with me at most EWH3 hashes and suggested I diet while I train. She started her diet a couple of weeks ago, and to date, both she and Toothfairy have lost approximately 3-5 pounds each. Now don’t think that I gorge on tubs and tubs of Ben & Jerry interspersed with Butterfingers. I don’t. Although I like sweet food, I’m more tempted by salty pleasures. In all seriousness, though, I generally eat healthy. I overindulge by cooking comfort foods: pot roast, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, pasta with meatballs….you get the picture.

So, I asked around – who’s currently dieting and how are they doing it? Tuppy, Hand 2 Hand, and Earshot all lost weight on Weight Watchers. Slurpee and Toothfairy are counting calories and depending on each other to keep it going. Well, I’m not likely to be consistent counting calories online in a food journal, but attending motivational meetings sounds good. I’ll do anything that has a social aspect to it. Hand 2 Hand gave me a basic primer on the works and at $40 a month, it didn’t sound like a bad idea. I have to be able to run 10 miles by mid-July!

So, I get up early on Sunday, make breakfast for myself and @ss Spelunker and head off to my first Weight Watchers meeting.

Week 1 - Day 1: Meeting

Weight: 220.2

10% Goal: 198

Ultimate Goal: 160

Yipers! 220! Where do I hide it? This 10% goal thing, apparently, is a Weight Watchers (WW from here on out) motivational approach to make it sound like losing 60 pounds isn’t that far away. I prefer just to be honest about the fact that I’m fat now. Another curious item: WW measures weight in 1/10 of a pound. Is that really necessary? What’s the big deal if you lose 3/10ths of a pound in one week? Again that motivational approach of theirs. Hmmmm.

Just as I figured, the room is mostly filled with 45 – 60 year women (and a couple of men) who are in serious need of weight loss (probably on doctors’ orders). There are actually a few people under 45, and those that are, are in generally the same shape as me – tipping the overweight scale, in need of weight loss, but lacking the boob-to-belly rolls of fat that seem to be prevalent in this room.

The topic of today’s discussion? Exercise. Funny. The reason I’m here is because I want to be able to exercise more – 24.2 miles more to be exact. WW encourages walking – heavily. And that is no ding on walking. Walking is extremely healthy exercises and is an exercise that anyone of any capability is typically capable of performing. However, burning calories/fat/pounds/what have you while walking is difficult unless you power-walk or briskly walk for over an hour. Round-robin of the room shows that is the favored exercise of choice, followed closely by swimming. Hmmmm.

Following the meeting, there is a first-timer introduction to the meal plans – flex and core. Core allows you to as much as you want as long as it is on WW’s healthy food list. These foods typically consist of non-processed, whole foods, which require cooking to make them appetizing for the most part. Again, no knock on healthy food – I like fruits and veggies, but how many people want to make marinara sauce from scratch? Besides, beer is NOT on that list. Flex plan it is, then. This is the stereotypical WW plan where you get to count points (not calories!). The different thing about this diet is that you are required to eat your daily points – not save them. There are 35 weekly points that can be budgeted if you need/want them.

My daily allowable points - 28

Weekend at Hermie’s

This weekend there isn’t much going on, so when I get a call informing me that Hermie has invited his friends to drink and sing karaoke at his local VFW, I’m all for it.

Now about 6 months ago, TOM’s homeowner’s association implemented visitor pass regulations and distributed 2 visitor passes to each homeowner. Since Hermie and TOM like to host parties regularly and didn’t agree with this new stipulation, they duplicated the visitor passes (and quite well too – I wouldn’t know the difference if I was asked to compare them). Because how can you have a party with only 2 carfuls of guests??? As an alternative, though, we could always park in the shopping center next door for overflow parking.

So we get drunk from plentiful and cheap booze at the VFW and spend the night. Then in the morning, we play several sessions of “Scene It?” on Hermie’s X-Box. Then we watch Balls of Glory and The Princess Bride and Fight Club and Beerfest. As you can see, this is turning into a marathon weekend of doing absolutely nothing but sitting around and drinking with buddies.

Before you know it, it’s almost midnight on Saturday. Hermie has ordered pizza and we’re in the midst of playing another session of “Scene It?”. Then the doorbell rings. I assume it’s the pizza delivery guy. Turns out, it’s Hermie’s next-door neighbor. She asks if any of us own a Jeep Wrangler because a tow truck just hauled it off. WTF???!! Sh*t!! That was Cheffy’s Jeep. Somebody must have caught on.

@ss Ogre and Rambutt up and leave, Chestnuts calls the number on the tow sign, and I see if I can make it hard for my SUV to be towed by locking the wheels in a turned position.

About 5 minutes later, I’m sitting next to the window and I hear what sounds like a big rig motor outside. Cheffy and I immediately look out the 2^nd floor window. Chlorine’s Grand Prix is missing. Okay, this is serious.

This time, I move my SUV to the shopping center. I’m not taking any chances. Designer and Wh*re Taste follow suit. However, when I pull into the shopping center, I notice the same tow signs that are in TOM’s development. I feel very uneasy about leaving my car there.

In fact, when I return to the Hermie’s house, I inform @ss Spelunker to get his shoes on because we’re leaving. He b*tches and moans about it being unsafe to drive after midnight, but I insist. Besides, I slept on the floor on Friday night and am not looking forward to sleeping on it again. Especially when I haven’t been drinking (I stopped around 7pm – I can only take so much). No one else is inclined to leave (or not sober), so we say our goodbyes and head out.

The next morning, we get a phone call around 9:30am. Designer is calling and informs us that Wh*re Taste’s car was towed out of the shopping center. The only people that did not have their cars towed were Chestnuts (who had a real permit – not a fake one) and Designer (who knows why? – she thinks it’s her AWD Subaru). So, I made the right choice by leaving when I did. However, the rest of my buddies are out $125 a piece. Extortion!!

TOM and Hermie plan on bringing this issue up with their homeowner’s association. I think Chestnuts plans to threaten to sue (on behalf of her friends). I really don’t think there is anything that can be done, but we’ll see. But is this the end of parties at Hermie’s and TOM’s???

No More Goofing Off

…as I have been for the last year. I haven’t run a decent training program ever since I jumped on the love train. And neither has @ss Spelunker. Since our lives have reverted to the old ball-and-chain routine and since Hoover has been hounding me for the last month to sign up for the Marine Corps Marathon, I resumed a regular running routine on Saturday. Nothing much to be proud of – a simple 2 mile jog. I didn’t even have a proper stop-watch to tell you how long it took me, although I wouldn’t tell y’all even if I knew. Spelunker didn’t fare much better, since he only ran 2 of his planned 5 miles. D*mn! Of course, that had more to do with his hangover than his running ability. Regardless, I have 9 months to train with Hoover as my virtual partner.

2008 is not a Traveling Year

I know this will come as a great disappointment, but I simply do not have the budget to travel this year (at least flight-wise). Missing from my annual jaunts in 2008 are TexMex, Texas Interhash, Colorado Invihash, CoTex, and a weekly sojourn in Tampa, FL. I was even considering USA Nash Hash, but I can’t even stomach the $300 round-trip airfare and required rental car cost. I guess the cost of crude oil has made air fares ridiculously expensive compared to what I paid for flights last year. As a result, the only hash event that I plan on flying to is Babe’s Hash Cruise in November. I hope to return to my traveling habits in 2009, or at least whenever flight prices go back down to the sub-$300 level for a weekend romp with hashers.

However, I am driving to a good portion of East Coast hash events: Stinko de Mayo, NC/SC, Revolution, T.I.T.S., Commotion by the Ocean, Nittany Valley, PA Interhash, and VA Interhash are events that I have earmarked to attend during the summer camping season.

Clutch is Fixed

Well, $1250 later and my clutch is fixed. It seems a bit outrageous of a price, but the mechanic claims that replacing a clutch on a 4-wheel drive vehicle is more complicated. Whatever! I don't think I believe him, so I doubt I will return there again.

Car Problems

So when I bought my Mini Cooper (which I have yet to take a picture of), I decided to keep my Montero Sport around for road trips. Well, in November, I took my car in to get the shifter and brakes replaced. Then in December, my battery died and I replaced that. And then in early January, I somehow got a nail in my tire, and I replaced all 4 tires since they were due in 6 months anyway. So, in the last 3 months, I've laid out $1700 on a car I drive only on weekends.

After dinner on Wednesday, we returned to the car and were unable to shift into any gears. Uh oh! I believe my clutch is out. I do have 133K miles on my SUV. However, I conveniently blame @ss for my clutch problems. He isn't that great of a stick driver (no pun intended) and drove it on Monday and Tuesday while his Kia was being worked on. Am I glad that this happened 1 mile from home! This past weekend, we used my SUV to drive to Lynchburg. It would have sucked @ss if I had to drive 200 miles home with a top speed of 35 mph (cause I can get my car going in 3rd gear, but can't shift once the engine starts).

Anyway, I called my mechanic and he'll be inspecting my car today. I wonder what the damage will be?

Steak and BJ Day - 1 Month Early

Well, @ss took me out for dinner the day before Valentine's day (I hash on Thursdays).

He is currently undergoing an ordeal in getting his Kia to pass MD state inspection, so we stopped at Advance Auto parts before dinner. He b*tched when he had trouble finding matching brands of wiper blades (does this really matter??), and then complained after I requested that he buy me a $3 LED flashlight for hashing (in his defense, he didn't know how much it cost).

Afterwards, we decided to go to Outback since it is right next to Advance Auto Parts (I originally wanted to go to a local Italian place). Since they were going to make us wait the typical 20-30 minutes, we decided to sit in the bar area to have dinner. So during our dinner conversation, I promised to give him a BJ afterwards for his Valentine's Day present, since he bought me a flashlight AND dinner (a worthy exchange, right?).

It was then pointed out that we were actually celebrating Steak and BJ day, not Valentine's day. Ahh, well, who cares? We'll probably celebrate Steak and BJ day next month, too!

Lessons Learned: Ft. Eustis AGM

1. When offered road-head by your significant other, don’t respond with, “I can’t, I’m driving” even if you can’t trust your own driving to keep you on the road.
2. Leaving the shower curtain open to make sure that someone can’t sneak up on you to pour cold water on you doesn’t work when the person can easily throw cold water on you from another room. Lock the door instead.
3. John Taylor’s window for performing sock-dressed d*ck tricks is getting shorter since Barcode’s grandbaby is growing. In the future, the socks may be too large for his d*ck.
4. Even Cheffy does not have plausible cause to reserve a king waterbed room with his male virgin.
5. If the Moose lodge waitress is only allowed to pour one shot at a time into your wooden mug, provide her with multiple vessels to pour shots into, as a single shot will not make an adequate mixed drink in a 32 oz vessel.
6. Tippy cup is a game that requires easy access to a puke repository. If the restrooms are not easily accessible or if your significant other refuses to go outside while it is snowing to hold your hair, do not play.
7. Don’t be surprised that your room gets invaded when you reserve one of the 3 hotel rooms available with a hot tub.
8. Two naked hot chicks in a tub are appealing until someone mentions that they are related.
9. Young men (anyone under 40) need to watch out for cougars lounging naked in hot tubs and random beds.
10. If items disappear out of your room, always blame the Trash. Especially when some room keys are skeleton keys for other rooms.

3rd Time’s a Charm

So, I’m doing it again – I will continue playing a role on Everyday is Wednesday’s mis-management. This time, though, I will no longer be taking attendance as hash cash; instead, I will be the hash bookkeeper (aka OnSec). It won’t be a far departure from what I have done over the last 2 years as I will continue to be a familiar face at beginning sign-in and busting the late-cummers at the end circle. However, I will have a greater planning role in coordinating events and such since I will have to determine the budget and pay the bills. I’m sure it will suit me immensely since planning is what pays my bills every month.

Herndon Commute

So I have learned that the commute isn’t too bad (in the morning), but can be horrendous in the afternoon. As long as I avoid the Connecticut Ave exit in the morning and avoid I-270 at all times during rush hour, the commute in the morning can be a bearable 45-50 minutes long. My odds improve when I minimize my time traveling on the Beltway, though.

I have discovered the alternative pathways of Seven Locks Rd, Old Georgetown Pike, and Beach Drive. I have also learned to avoid Norbeck Road and Randolph Road at all times of the day since they are primary east-west corridors. As long as the road goes north-south, the traffic flow is much faster.

I am definitely that kind of driver that will jump off the Interstate looking for an alternative route rather than sit in bumper-to-bumper traffic (which is how I discovered Seven Locks Road).

Of course, finding a way not to return home during rush hour is also a good plan, which is why I will probably be hashing more with SH*T in the upcoming months, as their territory coincides with my new project location.

Chores: Doing Dishes

As you may or may not be aware, @ss Spelunker moved in with me right before New Year’s. Of course, one of my conditions for providing him reduced rent is that he is required to do household chores. Believe it or not, I am a very good (but lazy) cook.

I had not cooked a proper meal in about 4 years because I didn’t feel that cooking for myself was a worthwhile use of my time. However, now that I’m not traveling 3-plus hours one way to whatever weekend destination I have chosen, I have re-evaluated this choice. As a result, I have informed Mr. Spelunker that if I cook all the meals, he must do all the dishes.

He doesn’t see it that way, though. Even though it could take me 1 ½ hours to cook a meal, he feels that doing dishes daily when he did not dirty the dishes and I did not cook that day is not required. I disagree. I have a dishwasher and 90% of my dishes can simply be placed in the dishwasher. So, at most, he spends 15 – 20 minutes per day doing dishes, while I spend at least 3-4 hours per week cooking.

So who is the lazy one here?

So far, my responses to this question have been cleanly split along gender lines – the girls think I am right and the guys think Spelunker is right. Jeez! Men and women will never agree!

New Project Location

Well, my 2-year sojourn in Bethesda has come to an end. The budget disappeared on the project I have been assigned to, and although I have been offered the prospect of transferring to a different department to perform budget tracking and analysis through March, I prefer to make a clean break now.

Fortunately, I am not required to stay on the bench twiddling my thumbs for long – I have been assigned to a rather interesting telecom implementation project in Herndon, VA. Uggghhh! Herndon??? I live 35 miles and across the dreaded Potomac River from Herndon. This will not be a pleasant drive. The good news is that I will be working under the direct supervision of a senior manager (before I was doing staff aug work and had no supervision), so a promotion might be in sight in the next 6 months. Hopefully, I will not have to drive to Herndon for the next 2 years….

Lessons Learned: Whisky Tasting

1. Guilt is a powerful weapon when trying to coerce someone into doing something they are reluctant to do. Like painting houses.
2. If you are going to attend a whisky tasting party after spending the day painting an apartment building, make sure to take a nap between events.
3. @ss Spelunker owns a suit. In fact, he owns a blue pinstripe suit with a REAL silk shirt. I kid you not!
4. When you ask your significant other to look up an address, actually wait 1 minute before giving them the what-to-for. Otherwise, you will never know if he was just blowing you off or really was going to do the task in 1 minute.
5. Even if you try to dress conservatively, Christmas cleavage (whether a smidge or overflowing) provides holiday cheer.
6. There are many types of whisky: Scotch (single-malt or blended), Canadian, Irish, Bourbon, Rye, Corn (otherwise known as moonshine) – try not to sample them all in one evening.
7. When drinking whisky, nurse your drinks carefully and don’t pour more than a shot at a time. You may be able to continue tasting after 2 hours that way.
8. Although Military Special may not be of a caliber for a whisky tasting, it’s a great mixing whisky for those that can’t tolerate straight whisky and don’t want to be caught mixing the Chivas Regal with coke.
9. Whisky slush contains orange juice, lemonade, tea, and most importantly, whisky. This amalgamation is a delicious reminder of a whisky sour – and just as potent.
10. Real eggnog contains raw eggs and can give you food poisoning if not stored correctly. Instead, buy the eggnog that comes pre-mixed with rum – it contains no dairy or eggs, so poses no danger when left on a table full of mixers all night long.
11. You know you are drunk when the hostess points out that she forgot to put the mistletoe decorations up after you are caught making out with your significant other.
12. You know your significant other thinks you are drunk when he tells other guests in your presence that he plans on getting you drunk enough that he can do you up the butt.
13. A Santa hat that is longer than your dress, begs the question – is the hat too long? Or the dress too short?
14. Bring a box of macaroni and cheese to a party. When you get the food munchies past midnight, you can always make a tasty snack – even if you make it only with water.
15. You realize you passed out WAAAAY early when you wake up the next morning and there are other guests crashing who never saw you the previous night.

S.H.*.T. Hash #284

Due to some random decision on my part, I decide to attend the SH*T hash today (probably because it’s in Mclean). I don’t know what inspires me to brave this extremely cold (29º) and blustery day.

CO Kimchi Visitor
However, whatever my reason, I run into Nascock on his 2nd day in DC. Whattya know? A Colorado Kimchi hasher actually made it to the East Coast???!!! He’s surprised to see me too because for some strange reason, he thought I lived in Austin. Of course, I introduce Nascock to other SH*T hashers as the guy who took care of my “taco needs” while I was in Colorado Springs. And of course, he gets a few pictures of me with my CO Kimchi mug to post to the website.

I run just to keep warm, but that doesn’t mean that I run much or run fast. I’m having some difficulty with the shiggy because my headlamp isn’t very bright. Fortunately, just as I begin to realize that I’ve lost the trail, Lactose Tolerant joins up with me and helps me find my way back on trail. However, by this point, I am so far behind the pack that my little detour causes me to miss out on the first beer check. Boo!

Lesson Learned: While attempting a stream crossing, don’t set your feet down on leaves – there might not be a rock under those leaves.

Violations
Not surprisingly (it is a very small crowd), I am nominated for several rounds of violations:

First, I’m accused of running on the walker’s trail. However, I simply missed out on the runner’s dead end that ended in a back check that returned the runners to the walkers’ true trail arrow. So technically, I never left the runner’s trail.

Then, since the hare, Fire in the Cornhole, instructs the slower runners to head out of the beer check ASAP, Chlorine and I end up being the First B*tches In (FBI). I guess that’s to be expected when there are only 3 females are running on trail today.

Next, I get violated for failing to have high beams on trail. I really can’t help it if my headlamp batteries are dying. But don’t boo me for failing to flash my tits! Do you realize how cold it is out here?

Finally, I get nominated for hash sh*t because I’m wearing my houndstooth coat, which apparently causes people to think that they are looking at one of those 3-D puzzles. I have worn this coat so many times – I’m just NOW getting this violation??!!

Bar: The Mclean Pub

Lessons Learned: TRASH Prom from Hell

1. Don’t expect a road trip with 9 people to be short. There will be potty breaks, snack breaks, and dance breaks to extend the 5 hour trip into a never-ending van ride.
2. Never open the door of a moving vehicle. You never know who might end up as a chalk outline in the hotel parking lot.
3. Witnessing a hasher go down for the count will cause you to immediately reevaluate your religious beliefs. Also, it’s a serious buzzkill.
4. If you can’t recognize your significant other in a dark U-Haul until he laughs at your question, “What’s your hash name?”, you are either intoxicated or in need of glasses.
5. Ixnay on the vajayjay (independent noun clause, origin: Pig Latin): gynecological instructions following a routine pelvic exam that affect you and your partner for 10 days. Synonyms: frustration, aggravation, annoyance Antonym: satisfaction
6. Avoid drinking 151. It WILL cause you to puke. It’s only a matter of time.
7. If you cannot remember anything about the previous evening other than a bit of karaoke and standing in a U-Haul, it was a good pub crawl with plenty of alcohol.
8. Kool-aid can cure a hangover. I have never truly appreciated the wonders of fruit-flavored sugar water.
9. Don’t be surprised when the TRASH lays 2 back-to-back trails in a single afternoon because the first trail does not incorporate an acceptable level of shiggy.
10. Inquire about water hazards before setting out on trail. That way a search party doesn’t need to go out when you’re an hour late to circle because you decided to backtrack the entire trail.
11. Even after witnessing multiple TRASH bibbings in the past year, you still gag at the sight of bib mix being poured on the bib-ees.
12. Always have a back-up transportation plan after a TRASH bibbing. Do you want to be in a U-Haul with that bib stench permeating the vehicle?
13. Buck-a-fuffalo dressed as a leprechaun looks an awful lot like Rusty Prick.
14. Dolly Style makes a very good impression of Gene Simmons when wearing face paint. I really had no idea that he was metallically lisping “Stand By Your Man” until it was announced half-way through his song performance.
15. It has come to my attention that I must implement a new rule in the ongoing care of @ss Spelunker: Tippy cup is only permitted during ½ hour blocks following an acceptable period on the bench. As unfortunate as this sounds, this prevention measure is necessary to avoid carrying 150 lbs of dead weight.
16. A short lunch at Ruby Tuesdays can turn into a 3-hour pit stop if your waitress loses your order.
17. The road trip back home with 9 people in a supposedly 15-person van is hellish. If you aren’t combating space, comfort ability, or hangover issues then you have the other passengers’ day-after-drunkfest gastral juices and odors to contend with.

Bars: I really have no idea what bars I went to on the pub crawl, but Prom was held at Drifter’s Saloon.

Tupperware is Moving to CO

Another hasher is moving to CO. This time, it is the lovely Tuppy, founder of the SH*T hash.

Good luck!

WH4 Hash #1160

It’s been a while since I’ve been at White House. I checked my run count and I’m at a piddling 56 runs today. Boo! I’ve got 44 more runs before I even qualify for my pewter mug. Even though I’m 54 runs away from earning my EWH3 wooden mug, I’m certain I will have the EWH3 mug before the WH4 one. At least I have my Colorado Kimchi mug to tide me over until sometime next year. Thanks, Brownie! BTW, Dust Balls, if you read this, I have your mug too. He is a hard person to track down, that Old Fart hasher.

Today we are in College Park. Ahhh!! My old stomping grounds when I attended UMD. I bet there will be some good shiggy today. I definitely am packing a change of socks and shoes for this one. Of course, the last time I ran one of Peace O’Chum’s trails at BAH3, I ended up wading through a creek up to my waist. Hopefully, the water level isn’t that high at this time of year.

Chum does not disappoint. I wade across 4-5 streams, sample some apple pie shots while in a tunnel, run next to an airfield and the metro train tracks, all while avoiding most local roads. Quite impressive! I do have to wonder how she finds her unmarked trails through the woods, though. And although I am not keeping track, Bad Dog beats me to the end during the last ¼ mile, which makes me the DFL (I think?). And he was wearing a tux on trail too! I suck balls!

Fortunately at the end, I get to sample some more of those lovely apple pie shots in my brand new wooden mug. I have to spit out some grit though. Is it from the cider or from the mug, I wonder? Ahhhh, well, I knew I should have rinsed the mug out before taking my first sip.

Milestones

A-Salt My @ss is the first person to christen the backseat of my Mini Cooper. Not much later, though, RPI gets a ride too.

Safety Third

I’m sure we all know that beer is of primary importance to a hasher, followed very closely by sex. At the WH4 camping trip this year (which I did not attend), safety was invariably proven to be a third priority. This resulted in the creation of the safety third arm cast (btw, EWH3 stole the safety third cast shortly after its inception and returned the cast after desecrating it by affixing several local hash stickers upon it). Any violation regarding safety requires the violated party to drink from a vessel wearing the cast. Since you are unable to bend your arm, the beer ALWAYS ends up on your clothes. Today we are honored to have 3 safety third violations.

Rant

It’s my fault, I suppose, but the bar served my sandwich cold. I just assumed that a corned beef sandwich would come out hot. Serves me right for not specifying.

Bar: Cornerstone Grill

Lessons Learned: Thanksgiving Week

1. If you ask for assistance to place your cat in a cat carrier, be wary of the methods employed to achieve that goal. Your cat may end up spazzing out from its mad dash to escape a sadistic torturer.
2. Pay attention to the time and time zone changes. Discovering that your seats have been given away because you boarded a plane with only 10 minutes to spare will put you in a bad mood.
3. Download movies to the iPod. That way the significant other will not b*tch in public about the laptop being stored in an overhead compartment.
4. Ensure the significant other informs his family about OUR hashing plans a month in advance. That way they will not organize the grandmother’s birthday barbeque at a time when we cannot attend.
5. The Border Jumper hash rocks! What other hash would postpone their regular hash start time to accommodate your travel plans?
6. Who in their right mind would own a passel full of yapping Chihuahuas? One is bad enough, but to place 5 in a yard as attack dogs is ludicrous.
7. Do not set your beer down where a 2-year old is capable of obtaining a quick nip. You may earn the Border Jumpers hash shit for your mistake.
8. I used to like football – before I was forced to watch 10 hours of it. West of the Mississippi, you can watch football non-stop starting at 10am. On a related note, you will always root for your home team even when they suck, if it will manage to piss somebody off.
9. Don’t play video games in front of 8-year olds. They will ask to play when you don’t feel like sharing.
10. GPS navigational software is not very reliable when performing local searches. To date, it has 3 strikes against it for providing faulty directions to non-existent bowling alleys, miniature golf courses, and chocolate shops.
11. If your wife has put the kibosh on your drinking, don’t call her after downing 2 shots of tequila and a couple of beers. She WILL know.
12. You can avoid airplane viruses by sucking on throat lozenges. Of course, knowing this AFTER coming down with a 102-degree fever does you no good.
13. Cover your mouth when coughing. Loogies do not belong on a laptop keyboard.
14. Sick people make great designated drivers. As long as the drugs they’re consuming don’t make them sleepy.
15. If you live in the state of MD, you can ship wine to yourself, but you can’t purchase it online. Bummer.
16. Guitar hero is an addictive game. Even when you’re stuck playing the trial version in Best Buy. What dork would do that?
17. Ethiopian food is fun and nutritious! Where else can you eat with your hands and be guaranteed a dairy-free meal?
18. Shuffleboard is a very competitive game at the VFW. So is the lottery. At least the beers are only $1.25 a piece.
19. A dip in the Occoquan River in November guarantees you a spot in the Polar Bear Club (otherwise known as the Idiot Brigade). Afterwards, it might be prudent to get your shots updated too.
20. Bondage porn is very dissatisfying if you’re not into that stuff. Come on! Where’s the penetration??!!! On the other hand, 80s porn is very humorous. Don’t you find mullets and unshaved beavers sexy?

Bars: Old Horse Saloon, Joe’s Billiard Hall, Etete, Occoquan VFW

The Dangers of Over-Packing

Due the generosity of the Arizona taxpayers, I am currently seated in the Phoenix terminal during my 2 1/2 hour layover utilizing public Wi-Fi to update my blog. My trip to NM was interesting although I can't call it a success (I'll get more into that later).

Regardless, I want to warn people of the dangers of over-packing. I thought I was a smart packer by packing a suitcase that was 43 lbs. for my trip out west. However, I didn't account for my shopping tendency and managed to buy 4 bottles of wine during my trip. I should've shipped them to myself, but thought I would take the chance that they wouldn't cause my suitcase to go overweight. Boy, was I wrong! I dropped my suitcase onto the scale at the check-in counter this morning and it hit a whopping 57 lbs. Uh oh!

I would've paid the extra fee if it was only $25 and not have to deal with the hassle of finding a shipper in the airport, but the fee is $50 for the extra 7 lbs. Ugggghhhh!

Fortunately, @ss was willing to check his backpack, so we removed 2 of my wine bottles and wrapped them up securely in his backpack. Hopefully, they survive the trip intact. Anyways, removing the 2 wine bottles dropped my suitcase weight to 50.5 lbs and the attendant let me slide with the 1/2 lb overage.